“Cough, cough…!”
I tried hard to swallow the wine, but with the liquid rushing down quickly, I couldn’t last long and had to cough and spit most of it back out. Only then did Lee Hyeonseok pull the wine bottle away. While I caught my breath, he licked the wine that had spilled on my body with his tongue.
“…Does it taste good….”
“Yeah.”
Watching Lee Hyeonseok ignore me while I was coughing and happily lick my body made me feel suddenly deflated. Sensing that my energy had drained, Lee Hyeonseok answered and carefully untied the sash of my robe. I’m fine. The first time is the hard part. I took a deep breath and let Lee Hyeonseok do as he pleased.
“Urk.”
Lee Hyeonseok continued to molest my now-exposed chest without hesitation. Rather than pleasure, I only felt goosebumps as always. Ignoring my reaction, Lee Hyeonseok raised his body again and began moving as he wished.
“Huk…! Ah, wait…! Stop!”
As expected, it was too much. I struggled desperately again, but since he was already positioned between my legs, it was a futile effort. Moisture began welling up in my eyes, and I felt my whole body growing cold, as if my consciousness was fading away.
“I’ll send you to Hong Kong.”
“Mouth! Mou-mou-mouth!”
Lee Hyeonseok deliberately said vulgar things to get on my nerves. An irritated voice escaped me, but in the meantime, he began pressing firmly on a place too embarrassing to mention. The unfamiliar sensation made my stomach churn.
While Lee Hyeonseok stroked my cheek and focused on my intimate place, I took deep breaths and tried to soothe myself. Ah… This really is violence. From the humiliation and helplessness, tears eventually flowed.
“Why does your face look like that?”
“……”
So that’s why his personality had died down for a while. Lee Hyeonseok, who had been persistently trying to please me, furrowed his brow and spoke in a low voice when he saw me crying. Whether he was asking while knowing or genuinely didn’t know, either way, I had nothing to say. Now that it had come to this, I judged it better to finish quickly and tried to relax while thinking good thoughts.
Though I was trembling, Lee Hyeonseok didn’t unfurrow his brow at my cooperative behavior, but he didn’t stop his hands either. Truly, there was no such thing as indomitable will. …No, rather, he seemed slightly more excited than before.
“…Lee Hyeonseok?”
“Haah….”
I carefully called out to Lee Hyeonseok at his slightly crazed-looking eyes, but he didn’t answer and only let out heated sighs. Though he hadn’t drunk any alcohol, his body was hotter than mine, who had.
“Seo Jiwoo….”
“Uh-uh…. Huh…?”
I thought he’d angrily abandoned his consideration, but it seemed his reason was truly starting to go crazy. Though flustered by the way he called my name with eyes glistening with lust, sticky and low, I tried to relax my body.
Satisfied with my now-docile body, Lee Hyeonseok kissed me again. The sounds ringing in my ears made me feel like my mind would grow distant.
When my body, which had relaxed somewhat from fear, stiffened again, the work became difficult once more. Lee Hyeonseok kissed my nape and urged me to relax. But if that were something I could control, I would have done it long ago.
“Haah, haah…. Al-alcohol. Give me alcohol….”
“Yeah, after we do it.”
“No, now. Give it to me now….”
“Good boy? Let’s endure a little longer.”
“Ugh…. Huk!”
Unable to hold back any longer, Lee Hyeonseok rejected my request and was busy kneading my body as he pleased. Unable to do anything and only making disgusted sounds, at some point, I let out a moan along with pleasure. At my reaction, Lee Hyeonseok grinned and his movements became steady.
“W-wait…!”
A moan burst from me that wouldn’t be strange to call a cry of ecstasy. I never dreamed my own voice would feel disgusting. Yet the feeling was good, which was enough to drive me crazy. When I was writhing in self-loathing, Lee Hyeonseok looked at me and let out a laugh.
“Ah! You, you condom…! Use a condom… Urk!”
“……”
As if he would use a condom when he hadn’t even given me alcohol. He didn’t even respond. Rather, his eyes looked like he was sizing up where to devour me from. I was just in so much pain that only short screams came out.
“Why should I? You like it too.”
“Don’t fuck with… Ah!”
“Hah…. It feels good.”
Lee Hyeonseok seemed so drunk on pleasure that he didn’t even know what he was saying. His careful movements were only brief. I screamed in pain as if my whole body had been beaten with a club, but also let out moans of pleasure.
“You feel it well. What would I have done if we hadn’t done this?”
Lee Hyeonseok, filled with excitement, was busy tormenting me not only with his body but also with vulgar words. Still, I realized that was what he looked like when at least some reason still existed—it was when he only let out excited moans without speaking. He was truly scary, like a beast.
I could understand why Lee Hyeonseok didn’t want to show others his rut. He’d said “the appearance of a beast” and “an appearance I don’t want to show others.” Lee Hyeonseok, when his rut began in earnest, was truly a beast.
Having taken his first failed attempt lightly because he still had some reason left before starting, I literally cried tears and regretted why I’d agreed to do this with this bastard.
At the fact that I had to do this periodically for about a week, I was hit with a reality check and despair, but indeed, the first time is hard, not the second. The more our bodies overlapped, the fainter my resistance and discomfort became. By that point, I even thought it was fortunate that Lee Hyeonseok had lived promiscuously.
But separate from that, if he was fine and then acted like that every month, even non-existent depression would surely develop. I just thought I was truly fortunate that I showed no signs of manifesting.
* * *
My arm stung and hurt.
“……?”
I didn’t know how many days had passed, but after the intercourse that barely ended, I truly slept like the dead. Then, at an unknown sensation felt in my arm, my eyelids tried to open faintly. With no energy at all, my limp body couldn’t even properly open its eyelids. Though I couldn’t properly recognize who was there, in front of me were two shadows presumed to be people.
“…Ow….”
Then my arm stung and hurt again, so I whined without realizing it. Even to my own ears, it was a very small, dying voice with no strength. It was such a small voice that it wouldn’t be strange if they didn’t hear it, but perhaps they did hear it somehow, as I felt the sensation in my arm hesitate. At the same time, someone put a large palm over my eyes and closed them.
“Good boy? Sleep.”
With those words, my consciousness faded away.
Though my parents both worked, our family relations weren’t bad. I think I’m quite good at lying and making excuses for a kid who grew up in a fairly ordinary household.
‘Assaulting people, attempting to dispose of a body, turning someone into a eunuch, breaking mine too. And why are you so good at lying and making excuses? What about you can I even trust….’
The first time was probably the first field trip, I think. I don’t remember exactly what grade it was, but it was probably first grade. The school’s announcement that we’d go on a field trip and to bring lunch boxes was enough to make the children excited.
Among the kids who brought lunch boxes that, even if they didn’t know about taste, were pretty to look at for this first field trip, I was the only one holding two rows of gimbap wrapped in foil inside a black bag and a Cider.
Amid questions, teasing, and some consideration, the words I managed to spit out were “I threw a fit because I like this store’s gimbap.” After finishing my first field trip with an uncomfortable feeling, as soon as I came home, I poured out my hurt feelings to Eomma. What did Eomma say to me then?
Ah, Eomma said in an awkward voice that she hadn’t thought of that. Appa scolded Eomma, saying how important that kind of thing was among kids, how could she not think of it? After exchanging a few more words like that and criticizing each other, the two people said to me:
‘You don’t need to worry about that. If you become friends with kids who tease you about things like that, you’re the only one who loses.’
‘When it’s difficult, just gloss over it with plausible-sounding words.’
‘Lying is bad, but you can do it when necessary.’
Perhaps it was meant to be comforting words, and also a tip about worldly life that was still too early to give a child.
The second time was on a day when rain poured down torrentially. While each parent came to pick up their own child, I returned home alone in a taxi. It was a call taxi that Appa, who happened to have the day off, called for me. His reason was that a taxi going would be faster than him going. At age 9, I rode a taxi alone for the first time.
I pretended not to hear even when the taxi driver kindly asked, “Are your parents busy?” Nevertheless, the taxi driver asked me this and that, but when I said nothing, he eventually grumbled to himself. I was cursed at with things like “What kind of home education did they give to make a child ignore an adult’s words?” and “The kid has no manners.”
When I told everything in detail to Appa who came to meet me with an umbrella, he soothed me saying he’d call the company and scold them. And then he taught me various things.
‘If you have nothing to say, just go “Yes, yes.” Then most things will just pass.’
‘If they ask about your parents, you can say “I just contacted them,” or “They’re busy right now, so you can contact them later.”‘
‘People who talk about home education are just people who want to get angry, so ignore them.’
After such things repeated a few times, it was difficult at first, but later I got used to it. Moreover, it wasn’t just me. People quite often glossed over or deceived others to get past difficult situations. In my case, it was just that the timing was a bit early. As early as it was, becoming proficient was quite natural.
Though we never all went out to play together, they came without fail to parent participation classes. Though they never spoke to me first unless it was necessary words, when I spoke to them, they answered sincerely. Though they never expressed affection first, when I acted spoiled, they gladly received it.
Unless I demanded something, they gave nothing, but when I demanded, they always gave it, yet strangely, something was lacking. It might have been because I was greedy, but in any case, it was lacking.
In my second year of high school, I got on the wrong side of some delinquents and became bullied. I thought I was mentally strong, but at that time, I couldn’t do anything.
Unable to tell my parents and suffering alone, Eomma discovered I was being bullied when she witnessed injuries on my body.
Though I was scared wondering if I’d be scolded, I also hoped they might comfort me. After saying it wasn’t my fault, my parents hired thugs.
Eomma said she didn’t hire thugs but requested an “uncle service.” Appa said that in life, there are times when you inevitably have to do such things. When I asked what if something big happens, he said, “Then what about being pissed off?”
Though they were my parents, they really were people who would cause big trouble.
What they said later when divorcing was their life motto: “Just do it first. Whether for good or bad, there’s a way anyway.” So don’t endure when you’re pissed off.
My god, they were truly people with no fucking backing down.
* * *
I woke up naturally from the unfamiliar pain slowly rising throughout my body. Every part of my body hurt as if I’d been beaten all over. When I tried to move my arm, it didn’t move properly, as if a heavy weight had been placed on it.
Just as I wondered why my body was like this, I remembered spending several nights with Lee Hyeonseok. All kinds of harsh words came to mind, but I had no strength to speak.
Though the lights in the room weren’t on, thanks to the curtains being drawn, sunlight came in through the window. It was bright enough that I could tell I was the only one in the room. To try going outside once, I tried to grab the nightstand and stand up, trembling like a newborn calf, but eventually failed and collapsed onto the bed with a thud.
“Urk…!”
Even though I fell onto the soft bed, a short scream burst out. A completely hoarse voice came out from how much I’d moaned. I was in so much pain that tears almost came out, when at that moment, the sound of the door opening came and someone entered.
“What, you’re awake?”
I could tell from the cheerful, light voice that he was in a good mood. Enduring the pain and forcibly turning my head, as expected, it was Lee Hyeonseok. Lee Hyeonseok was looking at me with the brightest face I’d ever seen. I’d never thought I’d get angry seeing another person’s happy appearance, but right now, I wanted to immediately grind down Lee Hyeonseok’s face that was so bright it looked fortunate.
Someone here can’t move because they’re in pain, and you’re fucking laughing?
“Want to drink water?”
“You…. Urk, haah….”
Lee Hyeonseok, who approached me closely, held out a water cup. Before receiving the cup, I wanted to pour out all kinds of complaints and curses, but my throat hurt so much that speaking was difficult to the point of being painful. In the end, all I could do was glare at Lee Hyeonseok.
“Drink water first.”
Lee Hyeonseok, as if finding me ridiculous, let out a laugh and personally put the cup in my hand. Even so, when I couldn’t hold it properly and trembled, he laughed once more and bent down, approaching me closely.
“You felt it really fucking well. Your talent was overflowing, wasn’t it?”
At that moment, from who knows where the strength came from, I raised the hand holding the cup high and brought it down on Lee Hyeonseok’s crown.
Fortunately, I must have hit him properly, as with a clanging crash, I heard Lee Hyeonseok’s dumbfounded yet angry shout and lost consciousness once again.
Ah. Parents outside the book. You were right. What can I do when I’m pissed off?
