A few days after graduating high school, I officially began my life as a retaker, matching with Lee Hyeonseok who entered university. I voluntarily distanced myself from the internet and switched to a college entrance exam phone that could only make calls and send texts. To be precise, Lee Hyeonseok took my original phone and handed me a 2G phone.
Using January as the baseline, Lee Hyeonseok explained that traits were collectively transformed, and those who would manifest around February-March all manifested, and afterward people would appropriately manifest here and there on their own. When I asked what kind of plausibility that was, he said it was plausibility due to a high school girl’s anger, revenge, and desire. Come to think of it, my coworker also said it was a good novel to read while turning off your brain. Apparently questioning plausibility was an unnecessary task.
Internet posts were uniformly uncertain, making it hard to determine truth from falsehood, and articles were full of incitement, misinformation, and distortion. Even the news felt like it was starting to be controlled.
Rather than spending days alone touching my phone and falling into anxiety and worry, it was faster and more accurate to ask Lee Hyeonseok. Eventually, I gave up searching for information that changed every time.
Before April came, the hospital was recruiting trait examination participants on a large scale, so I held Lee Hyeonseok’s hand and received various tests, then received a Beta diagnosis. They said it wasn’t certain and could change, but anyway I was Beta. When I showed Lee Hyeonseok the paper with the Beta diagnosis as if showing off, he cleanly tore the paper in half.
* * *
After the first attempt failed, Lee Hyeonseok, who had been reluctant to make contact with me, spent even the faint rut that came after discharge alone. Then in mid-April, Lee Hyeonseok, whose rut came again, tried to drag me in once more.
After washing cleanly, I sat on my knees politely on the expensive king-size bed with only mood lighting on. Looking at each other, we couldn’t quite approach each other.
Lee Hyeonseok, perhaps still traumatized by the penile fracture, couldn’t easily approach me like a wary beast. Unlike such Lee Hyeonseok, perhaps because the first time was ruined, surprisingly I didn’t feel displeasure or anxiety, so I was relatively relaxed.
“I’m not sending you to the hospital this time, okay?”
Lee Hyeonseok’s wariness reached its extreme to the point where I was soothing him instead.
We weren’t in the tension or anxiety felt during lovers’ first relationship, but rather in a mysterious standoff due to tension or anxiety like before a duel.
Lee Hyeonseok, who was utterly promiscuous, couldn’t carelessly approach me like a virgin, and I was anxious that we’d fail again and this time I’d be the one going to the hospital.
“……”
While in that mysterious standoff, Lee Hyeonseok spoke to me in a voice full of distrust.
“…I don’t think it’ll be okay after all.”
“I said it’s okay.”
“I can’t trust you….”
I was scared Lee Hyeonseok would really do something to me. I made my voice as gentle as possible and slowly approached him with just my upper body, but rather Lee Hyeonseok pulled his body back slightly and refused.
“Then should we not do it? I’m fine with never doing it in my life. I’d actually prefer that.”
“There you go getting cocky again.”
“Then let’s hurry up and do it.”
“I said I can’t trust you….”
Now if anyone saw, it looked like I was the one dying to do it. When I, tired of soothing, straightened my body and sighed, Lee Hyeonseok finally became serious and brought his upper body close to me. But when I laid out the mat, he backed away again. What the fuck did he want me to do.
“Then what do you want to do.”
“Well, ah. Tie….”
“Ah. I want something normal.”
“It’s okay. Once we actually do it, it won’t be bad. I’ll make you writhe.”
“Writhe…. Ha, please just your mouth…. No, never mind. Anyway, normally. Okay? Let’s not struggle with each other again by doing it weird, let’s do it normally. Let’s not go too far.”
Just as Lee Hyeonseok was about to speak as if he’d had a good idea, I said seriously. I, who wanted to do it as normally as possible since it was the first time, and Lee Hyeonseok, who had trauma, wouldn’t bend our opinions. If Lee Hyeonseok wanted, I would have been forced, but Lee Hyeonseok, who had no hobby of doing it by force, tried to accommodate me as much as possible. As a result, we couldn’t quite find a compromise.
“Too far? The one who went too far is you who broke mine.”
“It’s not that rare an occurrence.”
“Don’t get cocky when I’m being lenient.”
“Everything is my fault.”
“Ha….”
Lee Hyeonseok sighed and pressed his forehead. Even as I felt sorry, I only did things that made me think serves him right.
“No, I’ll really stay still this time?”
“Attempted murder by choking, attempted body disposal, making someone a eunuch, and breaking mine too. Why are you so good at lying and making excuses too? What the hell should I trust about you….”
“……”
When I, finally exhausted, appealed as if wronged, Lee Hyeonseok let out an empty laugh and even pointed at me while listing all the things I’d done until now. Though I felt quite wronged, I kept my mouth firmly shut in case I couldn’t even recover my investment if I protested for nothing.
“To be honest, fuck, I feel like it wouldn’t be strange if in the future you told me ‘I accidentally killed someone. Please help me.’ I feel like it wouldn’t be strange if the day comes when I have to pull you out of fucking prison.”
“You’re having serious delusions.”
Lee Hyeonseok, as if determined to make me a complete criminal, rattled off absurd stories with a serious face. No matter how slightly colorful my record was, they were all unavoidable things. At the statement that crossed the line considerably, I frowned and spoke, but Lee Hyeonseok’s expression didn’t change.
“Ah. Fine, fine. Just don’t do it.”
Finally piqued, I lay spreadeagled on the bed and spoke curtly. He’s the one having a hard time, not me. Fortunately, he said he wouldn’t do it by force, so since it had come to this, whoever got tired first would lose. Lee Hyeonseok glanced once at me lying spreadeagled, then took off the bathrobe he was wearing. It seemed he was about to bend his opinion.
“……?”
As someone inexperienced, I was waiting for Lee Hyeonseok’s lead and obediently waited for Lee Hyeonseok who was approaching slowly. My heart, which had been beating mercilessly from tension, stopped when Lee Hyeonseok climbed on top of me.
“Uh…? Ah, wait…!”
I was flustered by the posture that seemed to suppress me, but he finally smiled as if relieved. This bastard had really suppressed me for the safety of his own body. Lee Hyeonseok smiling as if he’d won, and me. It wouldn’t be strange to mistake that what we’d climbed on wasn’t a bed but a ring.
“…Ugh.”
“…Should we have a drink and then do it?”
The relaxed feelings I’d had until just now—as soon as I lost the mount, I started tensing up again, stiffening my whole body like at the beginning. When I momentarily dry heaved briefly as if something would come up from inside, Lee Hyeonseok moved his body away and offered alcohol. Thinking when else would I use the adult’s cure-all if not now, I nodded my head vigorously.
“Wine?”
I took a deep breath waiting for soju or beer, but what Lee Hyeonseok brought was wine. When I tilted my head at the item I’d never seen once in the house, he said while uncorking it that he’d bought it today. Lee Hyeonseok, you had it all planned?
“Why straight wine, ah…!”
I’d hoped he’d move aside now that he’d uncorked it, but Lee Hyeonseok held the wine in his own mouth and let it flow into mine. The sweet taste spread through my mouth and went down my throat.
“Ngh, hah….”
Before I could calm my startled heart, a strange sensation made a moan flow out. How much had he rolled around that he could kiss without hesitation with someone he had no feelings for? I was surprised by his morals and disgusted by his skilled technique that made me feel pleasure simultaneously with rejection.
“Haah….”
When Lee Hyeonseok’s tongue entered my mouth, swept over my teeth and coiled around my tongue, a moan like a sigh squeezed out along with wet sounds. At the unfamiliar sensation, my body kept twisting and I heard a low laugh. While wrapped in a strange feeling, at that laugh, it was like cold water had been poured, my mind snapped clear and goosebumps rose again. Even if I thought it was okay, having an unwanted relationship was still difficult.
“Ugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh….”
“Okay. I got it.”
I turned my head and begged in a crying voice, but it didn’t seem to truly reach Lee Hyeonseok. Lee Hyeonseok just smiled as if I was funny or cute and gently soothed me. That was my limit. Goosebumps rose all over and I unconsciously struggled, startled by the touch on my shoulder.
Perhaps because Lee Hyeonseok had been hurt by me before and was being cautious, he wasn’t very flustered and suppressed me.
“Giving up would be good for both of us.”
“Ugh…. Hk!”
With too much I wanted to say and thus nothing to say, I turned my head further and buried my face in the bed. Lee Hyeonseok deliberately made smacking sounds as he continuously kissed my trembling shoulders and chest. A scream-like, frightened exclamation burst out.
“Where did that spirit from earlier go?”
“Shut your mouth…. Shut your mouth and just do it….”
“You’re trembling.”
The positions of Lee Hyeonseok who was trembling earlier and me who was relaxed had become reversed before I knew it. Lee Hyeonseok leisurely continued to calm the trembling me. Seeing him persistently soothing me this time, it seemed he was being careful not to end up in the same situation as last time.
“It’s okay. Hmm?”
Not only Lee Hyeonseok but I also tried to convince myself, but it wasn’t okay. It was disgustingly not okay. Fucking not okay. I just found Lee Hyeonseok detestable.
“Al, alcohol. Give me more alcohol.”
Eventually I requested alcohol from Lee Hyeonseok once again. Lee Hyeonseok, wary of my body, tilted his body sideways to pick up the wine on the nightstand.
“Mmph!”
Instead of pouring the wine into his mouth, Lee Hyeonseok grabbed my head and made me bite the bottle directly in my mouth. The turned head was uncomfortable from that sudden and rough action, but after he grabbed my cheeks tightly to fix them, then forced my mouth open, I had no choice but to drink as he poured.
