It seemed like having my heart torn apart would hurt less. I couldn’t breathe and it hurt as if someone was stabbing me with a knife.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I’m sorry for saying mean things to you… I’ll come later. Okay? Don’t cry….”
“Urk, heok….”
I cried my heart out, then my stomach hurt so I collapsed to the side and curled up my body. When I panted in pain, Bihyeon held my body and cut his arm with a knife as if to feed me blood like that time. When I refused the blood and turned my head, he grabbed my chin tightly and forced me to drink the blood. And he hugged me tightly in his arms. I kept my mouth shut and just stared at the wallpaper. But even on that wallpaper there were three dwarves shedding tears and watching us carefully, so I eventually closed my eyes tightly.
“Please stop. I’m sick of it. How long are you going to stay in the past?”
“You… so you really remembered everything.”
Oops. I moved my lips and exhaled long before opening my eyes. When I pushed away Bihyeon’s hand, he grabbed my hand. I knocked that hand away. I reached out to grab the door but was caught again. I felt frustrated and suffocated. Bihyeon, who forcibly laid me down again, trembled. He had the eyes of a lost child as if he didn’t know what to do with me. I covered myself with the blanket, turned my back to them, and pulled the blanket over me. Strangely, nothing hurt but my body felt heavy and sleepy. Without strength, I blinked then closed my eyes. My body seemed to be getting hotter too.
* * *
– Child. Please accept that child’s Cintamani. I beg you.
When I opened my eyes, my head was resting on someone’s lap. A white space with nothing. There was a god looking at me with countless eyes. Those countless eyes were bloodshot and wavering as if about to cry. This again. I definitely said I wouldn’t accept it. When I moved my lips and turned my head sharply, the god slowly stroked my head.
– You will have a body weaker than any human even if you receive the Cintamani. You can live forever without aging, but if someone kills you, you will die.
I kept my mouth shut. The voice sounded so mournful that I felt like crying.
– I hope you will give my children a chance. And to me too….
The god raised its head. And looked somewhere. I turned my head following it. At that moment, I woke up from sleep. These days I keep seeing things in dreams. Is it because this is a place where divine energy resides….
I exhaled with difficulty when I suddenly realized there was a comfortable yet sweet smell, and a strong flower scent. I blinked and looked to the side. The lamp I received from Baekryeon sometime ago was softly lit beside the blanket. And I looked at my body. On the blanket were countless flower petals and beautiful flowers. And broken branches could be seen. Surprised, I opened my eyes wide and looked to the side. There sat the Mountain God with his eyes closed. On his body were places where branches were broken, wrapped in blood-stained bandages.
“Mountain God-nim? Why…!”
When I tried to get up, I heard a slightly trembling voice.
“…At first, I wondered what kind of lively and curious child there was. Coming regularly and offering strange things.”
I don’t know what I did in the past for you all to go this far. I only hurt everyone. I only tormented everyone….
“Every time you came, my gaze went to you, and as I watched what you did, somehow….”
The Mountain God reached out his hand. Perhaps because the flowers fell, the bare branch wrapped around my hand.
“I thought what a lovely child there was.”
It was weak. The Mountain God, much thinner than before, slowly raised his head and made eye contact. He was shedding tears.
“Every time I watched you with Bihyeon, I couldn’t have been happier. We really liked your laughter and liked your voice.”
His hand was trembling. As if the emotions held back until now were exploding, he squeezed out sadness and longing heavily.
“…Won’t you live without giving up?”
Thud. My heart seemed to plummet. Why must I hear such desperate and warm words from you all now when I’ve given up everything? I had no intention of changing my mind. But feeling like I would keep weakening, I couldn’t dare grab the flowers on the blanket and only looked at them.
“Even now you’re so lovely, how could I send you away forever….”
The Mountain God, who grabbed one of the flowers on the blanket, pressed it into my hand. Then he got up from his seat, opened the door and left. He looked afraid to hear my answer. He who always acted detached looked anxious and seemed to be running away. Outside the door sat Bihyeon. Still with precarious eyes as if about to collapse, he entered the room as soon as the Mountain God left. Unable to make eye contact, I lowered my gaze toward the flowers. I couldn’t touch them for fear the flowers would be ruined.
‘Was he watching me from the beginning?’
No wonder his eyes looking at young me were gentle as if he’d known me for a long time. I touched the petals for no reason then lay down. Bihyeon opened the door again and received porridge that the bear brought. As if trying to feed me the porridge directly, he tried to lift my body again, so I turned my head sharply.
“Send me home.”
“Go.”
“You have to move aside for me to go.”
“Just push me away and go.”
Knowing I can’t do it. Having already decided on death, I thought what couldn’t I do? But when I faced him with eyes that seemed abandoned, I couldn’t turn away. Moreover, the sword that wasn’t openly visible before was now conspicuously behind him, making it even more so. The bear’s expression, standing outside the door staring at me without leaving, was strange. He looked fierce, and also like a face distorted to hold back tears.
“Hey, human… Hansol.”
Bihyeon grabbed my body tightly and scooped up a little porridge with a spoon to offer me. When I turned my head the other way, the bear called out my name in a voice holding back tears. I didn’t answer.
“You have to eat to get better. Huh? Malgeum says your body and soul… just everything is in tatters. So….”
“Just leave me alone.”
Is the heart included in that everything too? At my cold voice, the bear flinched and bowed his head deeply. His ears drooped down too. Now I was so tired that even reacting was difficult. And I started to get a little angry. When I try to end this long, long misfortune, why doesn’t it go as I want? I was struggling alone, but why can’t I be alone when I try to die….
“Please just leave me alone….”
When I spoke weakly without making any expression, Bihyeon had more hurt eyes than ever. I didn’t eat the porridge until the end and pushed him away before lying down. He who was frozen as pushed eventually handed the bowl to the bear. The bear, who glanced at me, trudged away closing the door. I closed my eyes. Darkness came. Now this darkness wasn’t scary and had come to the point of being tiresome. I really… wanted to stop, but at the same time I felt sorry for them holding onto me. So I wanted to die even more.
* * *
I heard sobbing sounds. My head was heavy so I tried to keep sleeping, but the crying was annoying so I eventually opened my eyes. As soon as I opened my eyes, a soft, sweet and cozy scent came. As expected, today too the lamp Baekryeon gave me was lit beside the blanket. When I wondered who was crying like this, beside me were Boss Ppik from the cafe and the fish customer. Why are these people here? I blinked blankly and tried to close my eyes again. Then with a splash, they both grabbed my hands.
“Are we too late? Huh? Is it already too late…?”
“…What brings you here?”
At my cold voice, their bodies that flinched had more bandages. I had an ominous feeling. They pressed talismans into my hand. The fish, who looked at me with tears, opened his mouth with difficulty.
“These are talismans received directly from a god. They can’t break the curse, but surely….”
“That’s enough now….”
Ah. Only then did I understand why they had those wounds. They begged a god and received talismans, paying the price with wounds. Just like Bihyeon made talismans by wounding his own body. So I was angry. I tried to refuse saying it was enough, then closed my eyes tightly and gripped the talismans. I couldn’t throw them away like that time. Their eyes, their trembling voices…. Because in the end, I could see them worrying about me with their whole bodies.
“What am I that you go this far!”
Eventually that anger exploded. When I trembled and shouted, the two flinched and trembled. But then the fish grabbed my hand tightly again.
“Child. Our wounds can heal quickly.”
“That’s why I’m asking why you do this much for me. We’re strangers. There’s no reason to…!”
“Because you were so lovely and warm.”
I was at a loss for words. How could they describe a part-timer they barely saw like that?
“At the end of a day tired and exhausted from work, drinking the coffee you made, eating the snacks you made… and you don’t know how much strength we got from you smiling at us.”
Beside me, the boss was nodding eagerly. With tears welling up in his eyes.
“Yeah, you were truly like a lantern pulling me into a warm feeling.”
“No, I’m not such an existence….”
“Hansol.”
The boss, who had been quietly listening to the fish’s words, grabbed my hand.
“I’m keeping a spot open for you. Come anytime.”
“Please don’t do that.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
“I asked you to find another part-timer. There are plenty of people who work better than me.”
“That’s right, you work well. But I just like being with you.”
While speaking softly, the boss sniffled. My heart was weakening more and more.
“Because human life is too short compared to ours… I want to see what future you’ll draw, and if possible, I want to see it while walking beside you.”
The boss, who wiped tears with his sleeve, looked at me.
“I guess it’s because I’ve come to like you so much.”
The expressions of the two looking at me became strange. Something fell on the blanket, and tears had finally burst out. I raised my hand to touch my cheek then wiped the tears. Then I eventually covered my face. What am I even doing…. I don’t know anymore. My resolve to kill Aunt, kill myself, and end everything wavered.
