Even though blood was flowing from his solar plexus and his insufficient brain felt like it would burst, the things he had to do remained unchanged. He ate a simple meal, then took his medicine. And, as always, they overlapped bodies.
Because his mind was in such disarray, he was confused about whether the food was going into his mouth or whether Gil Taeseo’s weapon was going into his nose. But anyway, he’d gotten through it, so wasn’t that enough?
‘No, fuck. How could I mistake that.’
Saehyeon, who had been moving his body, grabbed his waist and let out a small groan. From the thought he’d just had, he didn’t know about the former, but he definitely needed to cancel the latter. Starting from his waist, everything was shattered and screaming in pain—it was impossible to be confused even if he wanted to.
“I told you not to let your mind wander.”
“Just now, I wasn’t…! Hng! This… fucking bastard…”
Gil Taeseo was always tenacious, but this time he clung on especially intensely. He noticed almost like a ghost every time Saehyeon’s thoughts wandered elsewhere for a moment. It was so severe that the divine possession hypothesis he’d thought of in the car came to mind again.
“Why don’t you just sleep here before you go.”
“No… thanks.”
Saehyeon coldly rejected Gil Taeseo’s suggestion as he followed him to the doorway. Unlike himself who was staggering, he ground his teeth at the sight of Gil Taeseo standing upright.
“I guess I underestimated you… I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”
According to those ominous words, there seemed to be a purpose behind today’s tenacious acts. Like making him pass out so he’d sleep over at Gil Taeseo’s house.
However, Saehyeon had absolutely no intention of doing that today. It was because he desperately needed that shabby but cozy one-room to gather his shattered mind.
He’d barely won the right to go home. But his original plan to organize his thoughts and then go to sleep went up in smoke. He collapsed onto the blankets with that grim expression still on his face and fell asleep. It was the delayed effect of Gil Taeseo’s manipulations.
Still, up to this point it was fine. Sleep at least came with avoidance and recovery functions. The problem started when he woke up in the middle of sleeping.
‘…Why can’t I fall asleep.’
His body was still as heavy as a thousand pounds and ached everywhere. His mental state was just as shabby, his rationality kept flickering on and off. It was his brain’s defense mechanism trying to avoid what it couldn’t handle.
But strangely, sleep wouldn’t come. As he lay with open eyes just staring up at the yellowed ceiling, at some point he felt like he would die from suffocation. The moment he became aware of it, this small house that had felt peaceful suddenly transformed into a cramped coffin. He opened his mouth wide to breathe at the feeling of his throat being choked, but it wasn’t enough.
Then at some point when he came to his senses, Saehyeon was standing in the middle of the street. It was a dreary levee road with only streetlights standing here and there.
“…Where is this now. Do I have sleepwalking or something?”
The outfit he was wearing when he glanced down was also a sight. He was wearing the t-shirt he used as pajamas, and on his feet were mismatched slippers of different colors. It was clearly the appearance of someone who had rushed out in a daze.
He threw out random words in his confusion, but that was only for a moment. His mouth shut tight like a clam, and instead his insides became noisy. Saehyeon silently began walking down this road to who knows where.
Though he was flustered for a moment, he seemed to understand the reason for this behavior. Because he was swept up in complicated feelings, his mind went on strike and only his body moved. Kicking small pebbles on the ground, Saehyeon pulled out the core he hadn’t fully digested yet.
‘So they weren’t step-siblings but half-siblings.’
The moment he heard those words, Saehyeon unconsciously examined the other person’s face. In doing so, he was suddenly able to identify the source of the déjà vu he’d belatedly felt at the beach. Even when he didn’t recognize Lee Soohyun, Saehyeon had thought he looked familiar somewhere. That wasn’t finding traces of a younger sibling he’d been young with and had little contact with. Saehyeon had found elements resembling their father in the grown-up Lee Soohyun.
They resembled each other to a degree that made him wonder why he hadn’t noticed until now. Perhaps incomparably more than himself, who only somewhat resembled him in body hair, eye color, and eye shape.
“No, damn it… what kind of birth secret revelation do you drop out of nowhere in a cafe.”
Saehyeon raised his hand and roughly tousled his hair.
It was absurd even thinking about it again. That Lee Soohyun was born just 2 or 3 years after he himself was born. That was of course a time when Saehyeon’s mother was still alive and well.
‘Lee Saehyeon. You can’t lose, you have to be the best.’
When he closed his eyes, his mother’s sharp voice vividly came to mind.
The delusion that if he just did a little better, then he could make up for it—that was shared by both Saehyeon and his mother. If there had been no hope at all, they would have given up early. The sense of distance that seemed like it would barely reach if you stretched out your hand drove people crazy.
If he became a satisfactory son, if he showed results that surpassed his unavoidable inadequate traits. Maybe, just maybe, he could make up for it.
Seized by that delusion, the two people picked up sharp tools. The pointed tips were generally aimed at themselves, and sometimes at each other.
Even as countless scars formed and wounds reopened where scabs had fallen off, they didn’t stop. It repeated tediously until young Saehyeon could no longer endure it.
‘I don’t want to. I want to stop now!’
His young self’s face twisted miserably.
‘It’s because I’m a Beta, because I’m stupid, because I’m timid that it doesn’t work. I can’t change it anyway… if it’s going to be like this, you just shouldn’t have given birth to me.’
He wasn’t unaware of how much those words would hurt his mother. He knew and still wielded them. But that blade had no handle, so it left equally deep scars on the person holding it. Through the absence of the guardian the blade was pointed at.
That evening when he ran out of the house, wandered here and there hesitantly, and returned. Young Saehyeon discovered his mother’s toes dancing in the air. In that ambiguous position, neither sitting nor standing, until someone else came and screamed. He just stood there in that spot.
‘Oh my, how pitiful, our young master…’
‘That child is tough too. How could he not cry even once?’
From then on, Saehyeon stuffed away soft personalities that cried easily and gave up into a box in his heart. No matter how hard or overwhelming it was, he just accepted it.
This was a kind of self-proof and a choice for survival, and it was also a process of atonement. He couldn’t fail anymore. He had to survive well on his own, showing them.
And with his truly honest heart, he wanted to be acknowledged. He wanted to settle down and also… wanted to be loved.
“All of that was in vain…”
But was the motivation that started all those things, the goal point he tried to achieve, actually an illusion?
‘…You’re an Alpha?’
‘Me? Well… yeah.’
That damn trait. Saehyeon muttered a small curse. He should just admit it wasn’t his from the beginning, but that wasn’t easy at all. Speed gradually built up in Saehyeon’s staggering steps as he walked. But there was no way he’d have any skill at running, now or ever. His body was too weak to follow his racing heart.
In the end, Saehyeon splendidly tumbled to the ground. It wasn’t tripping over a stone or manhole groove, but getting caught on his own tangled feet.
“……”
He flailed about like an overturned Galápagos turtle, but it was futile. He had no strength in his limbs and honestly no motivation either. Saehyeon just flipped his body over and lay sprawled on his back on the ground. The ground being cold, rough, and dirty wasn’t a big problem. When his very essence was already tattered like a rag, what was there to measure and consider?
It was late at night but thanks to it being midsummer, it wasn’t cold. It seemed he didn’t have to worry about his mouth getting paralyzed during this brief time. It was after a short while that Saehyeon, lying there, began to look around.
“Where is this…”
No matter how much he looked around, there were no particular distinguishing features. Just in case, he fumbled through his pockets but his phone wasn’t there. It was hard to distinguish whether he hadn’t brought it from the start or dropped it on the way.
Once the absence of his location and means of contact was confirmed, he actually felt more at ease. His rationality urged him to get up right now and walk back the other way or sexily stick up his middle finger and hitchhike, but it was useless.
When you don’t know where you came from or where you should go, what can you do? Moreover, unless it was a specific time, there was no one looking for him or waiting for him. If he knocked on his chest right now, it might make an empty hollow sound. That’s how empty and lost he felt, like a child somewhere.
“Ah, I don’t know anymore. Whatever happens, happens.”
Saehyeon, who had now curled up and started playing dead by himself, slowly steadied his still gasping breath. All kinds of sounds burrowed into his quieted ears. The sound of leaves rustling in the wind, the sound of crickets and such crying hidden in the grass.
Something heterogeneous penetrated between those small disturbances. It sounded vaguely like shoe soles trampling the ground.
‘Is it auditory hallucination?’
He had crawled home late at night, passed out, and then come back out. He hadn’t checked the time separately, but given the dusky surroundings, it was clearly the dead of night.
Moreover, in this deserted place where it wouldn’t be strange if someone died and was buried, there couldn’t be anyone…
‘…It’s not some weird person, right?’
That sound had a faster tempo like running rather than walking. It even wasn’t getting farther away but gradually closer.
Though he had a self-abandoning mindset, he had no desire to die horribly. Saehyeon decided to get up for now.
But simultaneously with his decision, the footsteps that had been continuing noisily stopped abruptly. If he hadn’t heard wrong, the last footstep was definitely right nearby.
Should he close his eyes and play dead like this, or open his eyes and run away? As he stood at the crossroads breaking out in cold sweat, unexpectedly the other person spoke first.
“Lee Saehyeon.”
It was a familiar voice. Saehyeon’s eyes flew open. The scenery seeped into his wide-open field of vision. A man standing against the navy blue sky slowly bent down and sat. Gil Taeseo, who had swept up his sweat-soaked hair, muttered a curse in a low voice.
“Fuck, what the hell are you doing here right now.”
The moment he met those glistening eyes, he could tell. Even if the identity of the ominous presence was Gil Taeseo, he couldn’t be certain whether it would be good or bad for him.
