I just silently patted Yoo Seonjae and waited until he stopped crying. After being held like that for a long while, when his tears stopped, Yoo Seonjae released his embrace with his head hung low.
“Yeoul.”
“Y-yeah?”
“Do you hate being with me that much?”
I was troubled. Leaving aside whether I like it or hate it, can this… be called being together? I am confined, that’s true, but if I think about whether I’m together with Yoo Seonjae, that doesn’t seem quite right either.
“I, Yeoul.”
“……”
“I think I’ll go crazy if I can’t see you even for a day now.”
I looked at Yoo Seonjae’s eyes as he lifted his face and gazed solely at me. Those eyes that completely contain only me and are directed toward me are burdensome, but I don’t feel bad about it. Rather, should I say it feels good? Should I say it feels reassuring?
What is it exactly?
What could have happened between us that even though I left Yoo Seonjae, my heart becomes at ease when I see him like this?
“Um, it’s a misunderstanding.”
So, I need to make sure of what needs to be cleared up.
“I wasn’t trying to die.”
At my words with a sigh, Yoo Seonjae’s eyes widened as if surprised.
“Why would I die? There’s a baby in my belly, and I’m not that irresponsible. Well, I don’t really know what kind of person I am either.”
“…Yeoul.”
Yoo Seonjae suddenly pulled me into his arms. Is he relieved?
“Thank goodness.”
When Yoo Seonjae spoke as if exhaling, his voice was trembling. The strength of his embrace grew stronger. Literally, Yoo Seonjae hugged me as if I would break.
“Wa-wait. You’re, you’re too tight—”
“Just a moment, just let me stay like this for a moment, honey.”
Yoo Seonjae whispered while releasing pheromones fully. I trembled without realizing it at the pheromones wrapping around my entire body.
Ah…, this is dangerous.
I felt like I would get drunk on Yoo Seonjae’s pheromones. It wasn’t pheromones pouring out explosively like before, nor was it pheromones with a nuance of blatantly wanting me, but I don’t know why they make a person so yearning.
“Ah, l-let go.”
“Just a moment. Hm? Just a moment, Yeoul.”
Goosebumps rose at Yoo Seonjae’s hand stroking my back, and I ended up making a moaning sound without realizing it. He’s just hugging me and stroking my back, yet every cell in my body seemed to be screaming wherever his hand touched. To hurry and touch me.
“Haa.”
“Yeoul.”
As if answering the moan I let out, Yoo Seonjae called my name. I couldn’t even think of answering and just stared blankly into space.
“You won’t leave me, right?”
Yoo Seonjae asked. Simultaneously with that question, the pheromones clinging stickily to me seemed to urge an answer.
Unable to say anything and just making moaning sounds, Yoo Seonjae asked again.
“You’ll stay here, right? Hm? In our house, you’ll be with me, right, honey?”
Honey…
If we broke up, why does he still call me that? But hearing his “honey” somehow reassured me. As if somewhere in my heart I had been hoping for that term of endearment too.
“Y-yeah…, I won’t go, anywhere.”
I answered as if enchanted. Forcing out a voice that wouldn’t come, words that had nothing to do with my will. I just, felt like I had to answer that way.
At my words, Yoo Seonjae released his embrace and smiled softly while meeting my eyes. That smile was also wonderful, so even in my dazed state, I just stared endlessly at his face.
“I’m happy, Yeoul.”
Yoo Seonjae lowered his head and took my lips. As soon as his lips touched, I opened my mouth. I intertwined with his soft flesh entering my mouth. It feels good. I don’t know if I’m excited like this because of pheromones or because of my feelings that I don’t remember, but it was good. That fact alone was certain.
“Haah, Yeoul. I love your pheromones so much.”
As soon as our lips parted, Yoo Seonjae buried his nose in my nape and muttered.
Pheromones?
I’m not sure. My pheromones have such a faint scent that I can barely feel them. Besides, I didn’t try to release pheromones just now, I just unconsciously leaked a little, yet he’s ecstatic from smelling that? Just how much does he like me to be so blindly devoted to me?
I’m so curious about our past that I don’t remember. I’m curious what kind of feelings we broke up with that Yoo Seonjae looks at me with eyes dripping with such lingering attachment.
“I, Yeoul, even while I locked you here and kept doing things you’d hate—”
Yoo Seonjae muttered with his nose still buried in my nape.
“I want to keep holding you.”
Ah. Again pheromones cover me. This time it was a bit lighter than before, but still, I’m bothered because it seems like I’ll keep getting wet below from continuing to smell his pheromones.
“I want to keep touching you, kissing you…”
Yoo Seonjae stroked my back again. I tried hard to suppress my body from trembling every time his touch reached me. I didn’t want him to find out this way that I was also excited.
“I want to enter you, Yeoul.”
“Haah—”
But at his explicit words, I ended up letting out a deep sigh-like moan without realizing it.
“Yeoul…”
Yoo Seonjae chewed on my earlobe. I’m going crazy. I’m anxious that he’ll notice by now that I also want him.
If he tries to embrace me this time, I don’t think I’ll be able to refuse. While saying that every night when he slept beside me, I actually wanted to be held, that I was disappointed he left without embracing me.
But I can’t do that.
I still don’t know for certain what kind of relationship I have with Yoo Seonjae.
The Yoo Seonjae in the diary I wrote, the Yoo Seonjae Kim Yeonghyo told me about, and the Yoo Seonjae before my eyes now all feel like different people, making it hard to gauge my feelings.
I clearly loved him, and yet if we broke up, there must be a reason, but I have no idea what that reason could be.
I did notice Yoo Seonjae’s forceful attitude and obsessive aspects, but I thought that wasn’t the cause. Anyway, even while confined, I didn’t feel my current situation was uncomfortable at all. Rather, even in this situation, I wanted to see Yoo Seonjae.
Then that means I liked even these aspects of him, so this couldn’t be the cause of our breakup.
“Wait.”
I pushed Yoo Seonjae away with all my strength. If I continued like this, I really felt like I’d beg him to hold me. But the fact that I pushed him away seemed to be quite a shock to Yoo Seonjae. Yoo Seonjae looking at me with a hurt face makes me feel sorry again.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you like that.”
“…No, I understand. I was clinging too much.”
I unconsciously reached out my hand to Yoo Seonjae speaking with a completely dejected expression. Yoo Seonjae looked at me with surprised eyes as I touched his face, then soon grasped my hand and smiled while rubbing his cheek.
It was a picture-perfect wonderful smile. My heart beat rapidly.
Right. There’s definitely something. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense to break up with him when my heart pounds like this.
“Yoo Seonjae.”
“Yeah?”
Yoo Seonjae, who had been smiling at me, answered with a hardened face. Why that expression again? My heart feels uncomfortable.
“Why… did we break up?”
The expression disappeared from Yoo Seonjae’s face as he looked at me asking. Seeing Yoo Seonjae’s cold face, I unconsciously became tense and swallowed dry saliva.
Yoo Seonjae, who had been looking at me like that for a long while without answering, let out a deep sigh.
“Yeoul.”
“Yeah?”
Looking at Yoo Seonjae’s face with his brows deeply furrowed, I felt myself unconsciously tense and steadied my mind. Don’t get swept up in whatever he says. Don’t judge rashly until I know for certain.
“We never broke up.”
I was momentarily flustered by the words that came from Yoo Seonjae’s mouth. The diary said I even submitted divorce papers, but never broke up…
Is he unable to accept the separation? Is he trying to do something to me by taking advantage of my memory loss?
“I have no intention of breaking up with you for the rest of my life either.”
His eyes were so resolute that I was the one who was flustered instead. I did expect something like this.
“Then why did I leave home?”
I’m genuinely curious. When my husband wants me this much, and I also have no aversion to the way he treats me, why did I leave home? Why did I try to leave him even when I was pregnant with his child?
