So how many more times should I say it? How many more times should I say it for this anxiety to disappear?
“Jang Juwon, I like you.”
“I got it, I got it, so go easy…!”
Not anxious? Don’t need an answer or anything? That was all lies. I deceived myself. Because it seemed like only then could I let go of this abnormal obsession.
The moment I saw my lover in Ahn Jaeon’s embrace, I thought I’d lose it. I wanted to run over right away, separate the two of them, and shout asking what they were doing. But I couldn’t.
He also had his own relationships, and there would be private matters I couldn’t intrude on. A hug between men, it was nothing at all, I knew that well. Ahn Jaeon, a close sunbae. Right, Jang Juwon definitely said he was a close sunbae. Then it could be like that. Yeah, it could.
‘I know, I said I know. I know, but fuck…’
I knew it in my head, but I couldn’t help getting heated. I wanted to intrude on his life, interfere with his relationships, and control him as I pleased. I wanted to pour out crude questions like how close were you with Ahn Jaeon? In what way were you close? But if I did that, my perceptive lover would notice. That I was on the verge of being blinded by lowly jealousy right now.
‘He might think I’m clingy.’
I wanted to always be a sweet person in front of him. Because this would be the kind of lover he wanted. Baek Iseon pulled Jang Juwon’s shoulder into an embrace.
“Jang Juwon.”
“…Yeah.”
“Who am I?”
“Baek Iseon.”
“What… am I to you?”
So I changed the direction of the question. Because what’s important isn’t the flies buzzing around him, but Jang Juwon himself. Because only his heart is what matters. Baek Iseon obediently waited for his answer. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t nervous at all.
“The person… I like.”
“Yeah.”
That’s enough. That’s sufficient. Baek Iseon nodded and pulled him into a deeper embrace. That he liked me, that was enough. It would be. It had to be. Jang Juwon’s lover was only me, and the person he liked was only me. And that would continue to be the case. Probably.
* * *
Behind the Engineering Building, Baek Iseon was smoking a cigarette alone. Perhaps because the weather had become quite chilly, he’d been reaching for cigarettes more often these days.
“Iseon-ah.”
At the unfamiliar voice calling my name, I turned my head unconsciously and soon frowned. The person I didn’t particularly want to run into, Jang Juwon’s “close hyung,” Ahn Jaeon, was approaching me.
When their eyes met with that pale face, his insides twisted. The shitty scene from a few days ago flashed before his eyes again.
“……Hello.”
“You’re graduating in a few months, right?”
Ahn Jaeon approached him with a smiling face, striking up conversation. He wasn’t in the mood to respond, but for Jang Juwon’s sake, it would be better not to be excessively rude.
“Yes.”
“How’s your job hunting going?”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it myself.”
“Well, your grades are good anyway.”
Ahn Jaeon let out a hearty laugh. He hadn’t meant to speak this bluntly, but the words kept coming out sharp.
‘Don’t act childish, Baek Iseon.’
Baek Iseon exhaled cigarette smoke mixed with a sigh.
“Cough.”
Ahn Jaeon coughed lightly at the cigarette smoke. He was annoying in every way. Baek Iseon glanced at Ahn Jaeon from the corner of his eye. When their eyes met, he could see him smiling faintly.
“……Do you have something to say?”
As if he’d been waiting for those words, Ahn Jaeon finally brought up his real business.
“Are you two dating?”
Baek Iseon’s hand paused for a moment. He could tell who he was referring to without him saying it.
“That’s an extremely rude question.”
“Don’t worry. I have no prejudices.”
“I’m not at all curious about your beliefs.”
“Haha, it’s just a question…… Why are you so on edge?”
“……”
Baek Iseon avoided his gaze and looked into the air. He thought maybe he’d overreacted. It was always like this. When that kid was involved, his rationality wouldn’t listen. He thought he might need to cool his head a little now.
“Don’t be so guarded. I’m just asking because you two seem especially close.”
“Yes. We’re dating.”
“I thought so.”
Ahn Jaeon smiled gently. For some reason, Baek Iseon felt uneasy about that smile and narrowed his eyes slightly.
“Juwon said he wasn’t seeing anyone.”
“Well, you know, right? There’s nothing good about it being known.”
“If that’s what you think, then you must be right.”
It was the moment doubt turned into certainty. Right now, Ahn Jaeon was definitely provoking him on purpose. And with such an obvious, cheap provocation at that.
“Did you come all the way here just to ask that?”
Baek Iseon stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray. Then he immediately took out a new cigarette and put it in his mouth. Ahn Jaeon didn’t seem to like cigarette smoke. It was a childish action, but right now he just wanted to mess with him like this.
Ahn Jaeon, who had been acting relaxed until just moments ago, hesitated briefly. Baek Iseon slightly raised his eyes toward him as he finished lighting his cigarette. This was probably going to be the main point.
“What did he, what did Juwon say? About me.”
“That you were a sunbae he was close with.”
“Haha! Right. Yeah. We were close……”
Ahn Jaeon trailed off and fidgeted with the back of his neck. Baek Iseon was dumbfounded by that action. Who was he doing this in front of……
“Which means you’re not that close now.”
“Hmm…… Is that how it works?”
“Isn’t it?”
“I…… still think we’re close.”
“He doesn’t seem to think so.”
“That’s just what you think, right?”
With this, Baek Iseon realized he could no longer hold back.
“What’s your intention in saying this to me?”
He ended up raising his voice. He’d tried not to react to this low-level provocation, but as his attitude became increasingly blatant, it was impossible to respond calmly.
On the other hand, Ahn Jaeon tilted his head slightly and obviously lifted the corners of his mouth.
“Well, you seem to already know.”
“What a pathetic provocation.”
“If that’s what you think, that’s fortunate.”
Baek Iseon clenched his fists. He wanted to punch him right now, but he held back. Ahn Jaeon wasn’t even worth it. It was a waste of time. Don’t engage with him. Repeating this to himself, Baek Iseon suppressed his anger.
“You’re not just playing around with him, are you?”
“Fuck, knock it off, will you?”
Despite thinking he wouldn’t engage, he immediately reacted. Ahn Jaeon didn’t know it, but those words had touched Baek Iseon’s weakest point.
‘Are you having fun playing with people?’
Those were the words Jang Juwon had said to him. Why did everyone think that way? Why did everyone think he was playing around with Jang Juwon? Actually, Baek Iseon knew the answer. Because he actually had been like that. Because he was that kind of person. Someone who was only flashy on the surface, lacking something, perhaps someone insufficient to deserve a place by that kid’s side. That was Baek Iseon’s weakness.
Ahn Jaeon slowly closed and opened his eyes, looking directly at Baek Iseon.
“I wonder if you can handle it.”
“I’ll handle it myself.”
Baek Iseon threw the cigarette, which had burned down close to the filter, into the ashtray. He shouldn’t have talked to him in the first place. It just made him feel shitty for nothing. So before he could spout more bullshit, he was going to leave.
“Iseon-ah.”
Ahn Jaeon held out his hand. It was a small paper bag he’d been holding. Baek Iseon squeezed out his last remaining patience and asked him.
“What is it.”
“Take it.”
Baek Iseon took the paper bag without dropping his suspicion. When he opened the bag and looked inside, there was a familiar piece of clothing neatly folded inside.
“Juwon left it behind. I thought it would be better if you gave it to him.”
“……..”
“Since you two are dating.”
