“When did you two start?”
Now there was really no way to avoid it. Jang Juwon nervously ran his hand through his hair.
“…It hasn’t been long.”
“Ha, I see. If I had, if I had decided just a bit faster…”
“…”
“If I had…”
“No, nothing would have changed anyway. I already sorted things out with hyung.”
“How can you say that to me!!”
Ahn Jaeon cried out. He no longer had the right to say such things, and Jang Juwon no longer had any reason to hear such things. However, Jang Juwon knew that was the only thing Ahn Jaeon could say right now. So Jang Juwon silently accepted his outcry. But he wouldn’t apologize. Because he hadn’t done anything wrong. And Ahn Jaeon probably knew that fact well too.
“Jang Juwon!!”
“…”
“Please… Can’t you reconsider, even just once?”
“…”
“Just think about it… Just think about it…”
This time Ahn Jaeon pleaded. His body was gradually crumbling to the ground. He thought he wanted to catch him because it was too pitiful. But this was something he had to endure and rise from alone. Just as I had in the past.
“…I can’t.”
So he forced out a single phrase.
“It’s too late.”
The corners of his eyes stung. Jang Juwon bit his lip hard. The past, filled with all kinds of resentment and regret, was becoming a high wave trying to swallow me. If I too were to drown here, I would be swept away together with Ahn Jaeon. So for his sake too, I had to hold on. I had to show that I could hold on.
“I’ve forgotten all about hyung now.”
“…”
“So, so…”
His words caught for a moment. He struggled to move his lips, but no sound came out, as if his throat was completely blocked. His vocal cords churned hotly.
Ahn Jaeon approached carefully. I should step back, but like a person submerged in water, I just floated in place. Ahn Jaeon raised his arm. I could feel his warm, large palm touching my back. And soon my cheek touched his shoulder.
“Don’t cry. Okay? I’m sorry…”
Ahn Jaeon’s shirt was stained with dark-colored droplet marks. He lifted my head slightly and pressed his lips to the thick hair.
“Don’t do this, Ahn Jaeon.”
“Do you like him?”
The “him” Ahn Jaeon was talking about would be Baek Iseon. Jang Juwon nodded his head slightly.
“…I can wait.”
“Don’t wait.”
“Yeah, meet him as much as you want.”
“Hyung, you don’t have the right to say such…”
At that moment, Jang Juwon’s eyes widened. Beyond Ahn Jaeon’s shoulder, there were eyes staring at me. Our eyes met. Jang Juwon quickly pushed Ahn Jaeon away hard.
“Sunbae…!”
Jang Juwon called out to him and ran straight forward without any hesitation. Ahn Jaeon stood in place, quietly watching Jang Juwon leaving his embrace and growing more distant.
He could see a bright smile appearing on his face that he hadn’t shown in front of me. It used to be mine. Strength filled his fists tightly.
Baek Iseon. The person Jang Juwon liked. Though they weren’t close, Ahn Jaeon had always found him off-putting. In his thorough self-management and sociable behavior, he had never felt any sincerity. Because he knew how to gather people around him without revealing himself at all, there was always an indescribable wall that he felt. He was always surrounded by people but was always alone.
As a result, there were occasionally bad rumors following him around. Absurd stories like how he actually gave bribes to get grades so he didn’t do study sessions, or that he changed the people he met every day. Ahn Jaeon knew well that such rumors weren’t worth believing, but separately from that, he couldn’t help finding Baek Iseon suspicious. He had many things, yet didn’t have the things that ordinary people had. Things like mistakes, longing, jealousy, loneliness—the things that made a person human. So he was perfect, and at the same time, deficient.
He was worried about Jang Juwon. He wouldn’t be able to hold onto that kid for long with just his outward appearance. Poor Jang Juwon. The moment his dark insides were revealed, Jang Juwon would surely be hurt. Or he might be hurt because they wouldn’t be revealed.
Ahn Jaeon knew Jang Juwon better than anyone. He always wanted to confirm affection and felt very lonely. There was no way Baek Iseon could satisfy him. So the only person suited for him was himself.
“I’ll protect you.”
Because you have no one but me at your beginning and end. Ahn Jaeon muttered to himself with no one listening.
* * *
He ended up showing him the sight of me being held in Ahn Jaeon’s embrace. I quickly pushed Ahn Jaeon away and ran to him, but I thought I couldn’t avoid being interrogated. If he found out I’d been crying, it would be the worst. I might have to confess my relationship with Ahn Jaeon to him. But fortunately, Baek Iseon didn’t seem that upset. Still, he showed signs of sulking and grumbled cutely.
“What were you talking about there?”
“Just, about when we were in school before.”
“You talk about that stuff while hugging?”
“That was, hyung… he was happy to see me after a long time…”
“Ah, is that so?”
Did the excuse work? Baek Iseon lifted the corners of his mouth refreshingly.
“I want to hug too, Jang Juwon.”
“You know we’re outside, right?”
“Why? What does it matter. Sunbae and hoobae who are happy to see each other after a long time can hug.”
“We saw each other yesterday, what do you…”
Baek Iseon suddenly reached out his hands and wrapped them around Jang Juwon’s waist. And then he lightly lifted him up. In an instant, his feet were in the air. The stiffness from the shock lasted only a moment before laughter burst out.
“Ahahaha! Put me down!”
“I don’t want to.”
Even though he said that, Baek Iseon quickly put Jang Juwon down. As Jang Juwon’s feet touched the solid ground, Baek Iseon placed his palm on top of his small head.
“Must have been a really close hyung. Right? Close enough to hug because you’re happy to see each other.”
“Haha, well…”
“It’s fine. I’m a hyung who’s close enough to have sex with.”
Baek Iseon whispered in a small voice and chuckled. Jang Juwon squinted slightly and glared at him.
“Sunbae, we’re outside…”
“Jang Juwon.”
Suddenly, Baek Iseon’s hand that had been stroking his head stopped moving. His constantly grinning lips began to droop downward. Did I say something wrong? Jang Juwon tensed up without realizing it. He raised his eyes slightly and waited for his lips to move.
“But why…”
Baek Iseon’s voice was low.
“But why, do you still call me sunbae?”
“…What?”
“I also, I also…”
“You want to be called hyung?”
Yes, yes! Baek Iseon nodded his head vigorously. Jang Juwon snickered. The tension deflated ridiculously. What, he set up this whole atmosphere just to say that? Anyway, Baek Iseon had cute aspects that were different from his appearance.
“Then you should have said something, hyung.”
Jang Juwon smiled, rounding his eyes as much as possible. He called him hyung for the first time, hoping Baek Iseon would like it. However, Baek Iseon’s expression only stiffened even more rigidly than before.
“…Hyung?”
“Fuck…”
Baek Iseon covered his lower face with his palm. The skin that his palm couldn’t cover was turning red.
“This is more of a turn-on than I thought…”
“…You’re really something.”
“Let’s go.”
Baek Iseon turned his head sharply so Jang Juwon couldn’t see his face. This was a bigger problem than he thought. He was definitely more into him than he’d realized up until now. Getting turned on by just one word, he was pathetic. Even in the midst of that, he hurried his steps with the desire to quickly lay this kid down on the bed and make him cry a lot. Soon other thoughts disappeared from his head as if washed away.
* * *
“I like you.”
“Wait… Ngh!”
“I like you, Jang Juwon.”
Baek Iseon chewed on Jang Juwon’s reddened earlobe and whispered in his ear again and again.
‘In the early stages of a relationship, it’s normal to feel anxious. Contact each other often and say you like each other often.’
