Jang Juwon kicked back his chair and left. He’d heard the worst words he could have imagined. His heart beat irregularly. Tears fell endlessly without pause. He wanted to see him right now. He wanted to be held by him right now. Jang Juwon rubbed his reddened eyes.
* * *
He pounded bang bang bang on the door of Baek Iseon’s house that he’d run to without thinking. Please let him be home. After a moment the door opened and his lover appeared. As soon as the door opened, he urgently hugged his waist and buried his face in his chest.
“Jang Juwon? Your body is cold. Did you come all the way here without a coat in this weather?”
Ah. Come to think of it, he realized he’d left all his belongings and coat behind. It didn’t matter. None of that mattered at all right now.
“Hold me. Right now.”
“……What happened.”
“Just, I just want to.”
“……Okay.”
There was something awkward in Baek Iseon’s answering voice, but he soon kissed him affectionately.
“Don’t cry, okay? I won’t ask anything.”
“……Ah.”
“I’ll wait. Until you tell me.”
Instead of answering, Jang Juwon stood on his tiptoes and kissed him.
* * *
Jang Juwon raised his head to quietly gaze at Ahn Jaeon sitting in front of him. When their eyes met, his eyes curved gently. His thick eyelashes lightly settled along his eye shape, casting a small shadow beneath his eyes.
Jang Juwon grabbed his thick, white hand without thinking and pulled it toward himself. As if it were some treasure, Jang Juwon carefully gripped that large hand tightly.
He raised his finger and poked the palm. Then Ahn Jaeon smiled slightly as if ticklish. Jang Juwon slowly moved his finger, writing letters.
Down, to the right, then down again, to the right…….
The skin touching his finger was soft. After dotting a point to finish, he raised his head and immediately met those deep black eyes. The corners of his mouth were twitching slightly.
“Mine?”
“……Yeah.”
“Pfft.”
“What, why. You don’t like it?”
Since it wasn’t the reaction he’d expected, Jang Juwon was a bit sulky. Then Ahn Jaeon laughed softly, making small sounds.
“Juwon-ah.”
“Yeah.”
“I, I’m yours.”
“……I know.”
That’s what he answered, but honestly he still couldn’t believe it. That this man, Ahn Jaeon, was his. So he carved letters on his palm. That he’s mine.
“You’re mine too, right?”
“…Yeah.”
“Here.”
Ahn Jaeon suddenly held out his hand to him. Jang Juwon reflexively placed his hand on his palm without knowing why. Then Ahn Jaeon firmly grasped his hand.
“I’ll carve it too.”
Ahn Jaeon’s fingertip pressed firmly against Jang Juwon’s palm. He pressed down on his fingers one by one, slowly but clearly carving out letters. Jang Juwon thought he would write the same letters as him, but the movement was a little different. He held back the ticklish feeling and followed the movement of his fingers, picturing each letter he was carving in his mind. And when the letters were complete, he unconsciously uttered them.
“I love you.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“…Idiot. You’re the one who wrote it.”
Jang Juwon chuckled at that brazen answer. Ahn Jaeon laughed along with him. Jang Juwon felt happiness as he looked at that smile.
* * *
Ahn Jaeon was a person with an affectionate nature. He endlessly whispered his affection to Jang Juwon and reassured him of it. Dreamlike days continued, unrealistically so. Blooming love within a one-time physical relationship wasn’t such a difficult thing. The two fell for each other without delay. They shared their daily lives and melted into each other’s existence. Now, they couldn’t even imagine a world without each other. All these experiences were a first for Jang Juwon. That’s why he couldn’t escape, and the more that was so, the sweeter the happiness became.
On weekends, Ahn Jaeon would take Jang Juwon to the outskirts. They watched together as flower buds bloomed, flowers blossomed in full, green leaves swayed aimlessly, brown fallen leaves covered the ground, lush reeds fluttered in the wind, and pure white snow fell. The scenery changed so quickly it was regrettable how time passed.
And Ahn Jaeon recorded all those moments. Under the flowering trees, beneath the shade of thick deciduous trees, on top of crumbling fallen leaves, submerged in the reed field, when leaving footprints on clean white snow—he captured all those moments in his camera.
Jang Juwon naturally followed suit. He remembers the moment when he first held Ahn Jaeon’s camera and awkwardly pressed the shutter. The photo was a mess, but only Ahn Jaeon in the lens was shining brightly. He learned then the meaning of a subject filled with affection.
Later, Jang Juwon pressed the shutter more often. He wanted to keep him in indelible records. So he captured Ahn Jaeon again and again. In the world within the lens he looked through, only affection existed. He couldn’t bear how lovely it was.
One autumn, Ahn Jaeon gave Jang Juwon the camera he’d been using. It was the moment the camera finally found its true owner. Jang Juwon was happier than if he’d received a new camera. The small scratches remaining on the surface seemed like traces of him. He was entirely his person, and the same was true of the camera.
Films gradually piled up in the desk drawer. So did their affection.
“Juwon-ah, I love you.”
“Me too. I love you too.”
May this moment be eternal. Jang Juwon already knew how to make that moment eternal. And he had learned it from Ahn Jaeon. Now Jang Juwon could no longer discuss his life apart from Ahn Jaeon. He had become his everything.
* * *
Jang Juwon tore up all the film. Ahn Jaeon left him upon graduation. As if it had been planned from long ago, he easily spoke of their separation. From those red lips that had spoken of love, cruel words came pouring out indiscriminately.
“Why…”
“I want to live a normal life.”
“What does that… mean…?”
He asked even though he knew. Wanting to live a normal life was the same as saying that as long as Juwon remained by Ahn Jaeon’s side, Ahn Jaeon couldn’t live that kind of life. It was more cruel than any other words. It felt like his very existence was ruining his life. Just say you’ve come to hate me. Then I could’ve slapped you once and been done with it. Then my heart wouldn’t have hurt this much.
“Exactly what it sounds like. I want to get married like everyone else, start a family.”
You? A bastard like you could never do that. He wanted to pour out equally cruel words. But he swallowed all those words. There was no way he could hurt him.
“…So I can’t see you anymore.”
What answer did he give to those words back then? Did he resent Ahn Jaeon for wanting only the things he couldn’t give? Or did he resent himself for being unable to do anything? What was certain was that Jang Juwon couldn’t hold onto him.
The relationship where only endless affection had existed ended in an instant. Just a few words, that was all. What he’d thought was his entire life was such a trivial thing that shattered so easily.
To soothe the emptiness, he slept with anyone. The first time was difficult, but later he slept around like it was a habit. He thought it wasn’t bad. There was nothing more suitable than light pleasure to empty his head.
Sometimes he even thought this. If Ahn Jaeon found out he’d become such a mess, what would he think? Would his heart ache? Would he regret it? No, they were all futile thoughts. Because he wouldn’t come back. Probably, he wouldn’t care at all.
He spent several nights with a man he was fairly compatible with. The man quite liked Jang Juwon. Eventually, one day, that man hugged Jang Juwon’s waist and said,
“Jang Juwon, will you be mine?”
Those corny, ridiculous words made Jang Juwon completely fall apart. Without even answering, he frantically left and ran through the streets. Ah, he could never escape. Ahn Jaeon’s shadow was still following him.
That night, Jang Juwon smashed Ahn Jaeon’s camera. He fell onto the shattered plastic pieces, clutched his broken heart, and cried for a long time. It would’ve been nice if it ended there, but once broken, the pieces couldn’t be put back together.
The wandering continued. Instead, he never slept with the same person twice. He was afraid he’d hear those words again. He didn’t want to belong to anyone. He didn’t want to come to like anyone.
What saved him was, ironically, the camera again. Mulling over Baek Huiseon’s words, Jang Juwon went outside and photographed landscapes without Ahn Jaeon. When he looked at the photos that were full yet empty, he had no choice but to accept that he was now completely alone. The reeds captured in the photos were as beautiful as before. So his life, too, even without Ahn Jaeon, could continue.
New films piled up in the drawer. As the empty drawer gradually filled, Jang Juwon’s heart emptied.
* * *
Jang Juwon buried himself in the warmth of familiar skin. He wanted to confirm. He needed certainty.
“You… you do like me… right?”
“Yeah. I like you.”
Baek Iseon kissed Jang Juwon’s small head. His lover burrowing into his arms was quite cute, but for some reason, his anxious appearance, different from usual, grated on his nerves. So he acted nonchalant and playful for no reason.
“Jang Juwon, why are you so proactive today, hm?”
“…Just, because I like it…”
