I thought ‘oops,’ but fortunately Yukyung seemed not to have heard. He wasn’t looking at me with a face asking for clarification, but really looking with a face curious about what I’d said. I cleared my throat.
“Uh, y-yeah, he’s handsome. Like an actor with presence.”
That was sincere too, but it was also sincere that Kwon Jukyung was more handsome. Probably Yukyung couldn’t make an objective judgment because he was Jukyung’s blood relative plus had rose-colored glasses for this person called Jehyun.
“I’m telling you, they stick together every day making work excuses. Kwon Jukyung is really irritating.”
Yukyung sighed.
“Look at that. He’s so happy he could die. Our hyung doesn’t usually smile much. You know that too, hyung?”
Of course I know. Normally I hardly remember seeing him smile, and only recently have I started to see his smiling face little by little. Even those few smiling faces are mostly when we’re rolling around in bed.
Fuck. What the hell.
We hid our bodies behind the lush leaves of a large planter and observed the two people with our faces pressed against the glass window. Since it was lunchtime, the two seemed to be waiting for someone at the building entrance and stood there briefly, and as Yukyung said, the atmosphere looked quite harmonious.
Kwon Jukyung when with Jehyun was different from when with his friends too. I don’t know if he was happy enough to die, but the atmosphere was definitely a bit softer. A scene suddenly came to mind at his profile with softly relaxed lines. The face that smiled while answering the phone saying “Jehyun hyung.” It was just recently at the winter villa in Donghae. Thin ice prickled coldly in my heart.
With two men of similar build standing there like models, passersby of both genders were casting furtive glances. My mood sank more and more at the sight of the two people who looked so well-matched. Yukyung’s chattering words no longer reached my ears.
***
Am I the bad one?
I thought on the way home alone after putting Yukyung in a taxi and sending him back.
Kwon Jukyung never once said he liked me, so I just arbitrarily misunderstood and arbitrarily expected. But I wanted to resent Kwon Jukyung. I wanted to believe it wasn’t that I misunderstood, but that Kwon Jukyung made me misunderstand.
Let’s say Kwon Jukyung, who was close to a germaphobe, letting me into his house when I was no different from a homeless person, was an action stemming from humanitarianism. Giving me food, buying me clothes, lending me money—the same. I could think it was because he was a person with more compassion than his appearance suggested.
But was really everything else besides that also simply stemming from compassion? I do have obtuse sides and definitely have a tendency to deliberately act obtuse and try not to look into my own or others’ inner feelings. But even so, I wasn’t that much of a fool.
I think our relationship over the past few months, though we call it fuck buddies, wasn’t much different from ordinary lovers. Jukyung, who claimed to be a germaphobe, ate what I’d been eating, brought food into the house for me, cooked, bought expensive things and gave them to me saying I could pay back slowly. When he got busy, he even came to the academy so we could eat dinner together and come home together. And if nothing else, he definitely liked sleeping with me. He’s especially affectionate at those times, that irritating bastard.
But then again, when I thought about whether it was specifically me, I lost confidence. It might be his tendency to be kind to anyone he sleeps with. How gentle and friendly was Kwon Jukyung to the students we met at the cafe recently? At Leroy too, he had a reputation for good manners with the girls he dated. Rather, I even thought maybe I was the only one he treated particularly prickly normally.
Moreover, thinking of how he looked with Jehyun during the day, I became even more certain that the possibility of Kwon Jukyung liking me was indeed just reasoning biased in my favor. Everything seemed like stubbornness created by my greed. Kwon Jukyung with that man who was his one-sided love interest looked happy and comfortable. Moreover, according to Yukyung, his real younger brother, didn’t he say that recently he looked so happy as if flowers bloomed on his face after going to the same company as the person he’d been chasing for years and seeing his face every day?
Kwon Jukyung was simply meeting the person he had a one-sided love for at the company, and at night resolving desires he couldn’t fulfill through me. For him who couldn’t sleep with just anyone because of his germaphobia, I who just rolled in might have been the perfect substitute.
I recalled Kwon Jukyung kissing me at the arboretum hotel. And my own appearance responding passionately. I let out an absurd laugh. With just a light poke, I tumbled over as if tripped, so how easy a target must I have been?
On the way home alone after finishing classes, my heart kept stinging. My eyes ached and I bit my lip. It was still broad daylight and the street was full of people. Though it was supposed to be spring, the wind was too cold and irritating. I wished the ground would just cave in. No, I wished the whole earth would just be destroyed.
***
CH 18
My words decreased a bit. At first Jukyung asked if I was sick somewhere, then later frowned according to his personality asking what was wrong, but thinking about it, I wasn’t originally a very talkative personality. While being with Jukyung, since Jukyung was so silent, relatively my words increased a bit. I was just returning to the beginning. I made excuses to Jukyung that I was just a bit tired.
I definitely needed to talk about it, but in my current state I didn’t know what to say. I needed time to think until my mind was organized one way or another. It seemed right for me to leave the house first, but I was troubled because I had no suitable excuse. I couldn’t suddenly say I got money dropped from somewhere so I could get a house, and there was no way an academy instructor would have business far away.
Meanwhile, my head was constantly jumbled. Occasionally there were days when Jukyung didn’t come home saying he was pulling an all-nighter at a hotel near the company, so my delusions leaned even more toward the negative side.
Was Kwon Jukyung together with that person called Jehyun from dawn to night? Were they alone together, or were there other people too? Thoughts I couldn’t verify endlessly stirred my mind.
I felt stupid. Petty and childish. I got pointlessly angry alone thinking that bastard played with me, then also comforted myself that everything was something I couldn’t know without confirming directly with him.
I never thought a day would come in Kang Doyun’s life when I’d suffer inwardly because of one-sided love. At Kwon Jukyung of all people. When alone, I’d space out then realize it and let out an empty laugh.
Jukyung came home late past 1 AM, 2 AM regularly, and since I had to leave at dawn, I went to bed early. Of course I was usually not asleep tossing and turning until Jukyung returned, but I held my breath and pretended to sleep. Days continued like that where we hardly saw each other’s faces, and weekends weren’t much different either.
Then on Friday night, Jukyung who had just finished showering pressed against me lying in bed pretending to sleep as usual.
“Mm… I’m sleepy. Don’t….”
I pretended to be sleepy and batted away the hand that went straight into my shorts. But the hand attempting to penetrate again was quite persistent.
“Why? Tomorrow’s Saturday.”
“I have class tomorrow too.”
“Not from dawn though. Let’s do it just once. Don’t you think we’ve rested too long?”
“I said I’m tired.”
I also put in strength and removed Jukyung’s hand from my body.
“……”
This time, surprisingly, the hand came off easily. Silence fell in the darkness for a moment. I was lying with my back turned, so I couldn’t tell what expression Jukyung was making.
“You weren’t asleep.”
After a long while, Jukyung suddenly spat out. His tone was somewhat cold.
“I was unsure, but Kang Doyun, you’re avoiding me, right?”
“……”
“Look at me. What’s the problem?”
Jukyung grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. Our eyes met in the dim darkness. I lowered my eyes and avoided his gaze.
“What problem when I said I’m sleepy? There’s nothing like that.”
I tried to shake off his hand and turn my body again, but Jukyung pressed my shoulder down and half climbed on top of me.
“It’s not nothing. I let it go on weekdays in case you were tired, but let’s talk openly. What are you dissatisfied about? Is it because I’m too busy? It’ll end in three months. After that….”
Haah….
I let out a long audible sigh. Jukyung stopped talking mid-sentence and closed his mouth.
“Why would I be dissatisfied that you’re busy? Put away those cringeworthy words. As if we’re lovers or something.”
“What?”
“Just.”
I pushed Jukyung away and sat up. I swept my hair back and sighed.
“No, I am sorry though. Sorry for it being sudden, but having time alone to think, everything feels futile, something like that.”
“…What are you trying to say?”
A stiff voice rang out. I couldn’t see Jukyung’s expression clearly, but it was definitely a voice in a bad mood.
“That’s right. Haven’t you thought about what kind of relationship we have? Honestly, I also thought it wasn’t bad to just comfortably relieve our desires with each other, but I don’t think that’s it. Didn’t you also say before that you wanted to get married normally and have kids?”
“That’s….”
Thinking about it, it was a ridiculous story. The person he really likes is a man, the person he rolls around with is me. But he wants to get married and have a family. Is this bastard really trash?
“If so, you should think about having a proper serious relationship instead of doing this with me. Honestly, I don’t want to do things like marriage or whatever. But that doesn’t mean I want to continue this meaningless life rolling around with a man. As you know, I originally like women. It’s just that my circumstances don’t allow me to date anyone, and since I’m living off you, it felt awkward to say it doesn’t seem right, so it turned out like this.”
