# Chapter 39
That was really the only reason, nothing else.
But Han Sijin’s eyes wavered strangely as he looked at me.
Then he pulled away the hand that was touching his shoulder.
“Uh…”
“Why do you keep doing this? I’m trying so hard to hold back.”
“You… I just find it amazing that you’re within reach. I’m wondering if you’re really there when I reach out.”
“…Why is that?”
“It’s nice. Han Sijin was always just inside the monitor. It was the camera that Han Sijin looked at and smiled for. But now you’re smiling for me, not the camera. The smile you make. It’s only looking at me. Only I can see it. Your smile is just mine.”
“What are you saying? This is driving me crazy.”
Then he suddenly pulled me into his arms.
It felt like everything was spinning, then his face came closer and I felt his hot breath.
“Are you determined to drive me crazy? You came here with that intention, right?”
I suddenly became alert.
But soon after, my strength faded again.
If I had been a little less drunk, I might have sobered up completely then, but that didn’t happen.
Was it a bit of a shame?
I didn’t think so.
I seemed tired, and just looking at Han Sijin made me feel at ease.
There were many things I felt sorry about to him, and I really wanted to say those words.
But I couldn’t speak rashly, afraid that saying I was sorry might hurt him instead.
“Han Sijin.”
“Yes.”
“Han Sijin.”
“Yes. Tell me. I’m listening.”
“Were you upset with me?”
“Do I need to say it for you to know? I was so upset I couldn’t even sleep, wondering how you could do that to me.”
But even as he said this, he was smiling.
“I thought I wouldn’t be able to stand it, but I could. I found myself tolerating it. It was strange. I thought I would hate you. I thought I could hate you, but I couldn’t. What’s that about?”
“…”
I couldn’t bear to look at Han Sijin speaking like that; he seemed so pitiful.
“But what was it anyway? You didn’t do anything properly.”
“What…?”
“All you did was just kiss.”
While those words came out of his mouth, I became dizzy and completely lost for words.
“Wh… What…?”
“Why? Are you going to deny it? I heard everything.”
“No. You crazy guys. Why would you talk about such things? And why are you asking?”
I yelled out in bewilderment, and he burst into laughter.
It must have been hard for him, but I was grateful that he was still laughing so refreshingly.
I seemed to be angry at him right now, but that’s what I was thinking.
“So what!”
“So it’s not really something to be angry about. Among hyung’s firsts, there’s still something left that no one else has taken.”
“…Huh?”
I stared at him, deeply pondering what he meant.
“What? I’ve already had my first kiss and held hands.”
“What? Are you deliberately trying to look cute right now? What a fox.”
“What are you saying? Are you crazy?”
I was speaking very reasonably and logically, but what on earth was this guy saying?
“Your first time. I’m going to take it.”
“What… do you mean?”
But he didn’t answer and just looked at me, pulling me into his arms.
It seemed like he definitely had some bad intentions, but I couldn’t tell what they were.
Even when his hands moved gently and quickly, undressing me.
Even when my clothes fell to the floor in a pile, my thoughts were frozen.
What was he trying to do?
I was thinking about what he had said.
And about the things I had done with the other guys.
Han Sijin looked at me like that and smirked.
“You’re really a bad person. How can you think about such things in front of me?”
“Hey. Sijin. Can you really tell what I’m thinking just by looking at me?”
“I can. Don’t you know?”
Of course I don’t.
That’s normal, right?
Was it because I was drunk and my brain wasn’t working, or was he saying something strange?
By now, I was finding it hard to just stand, so I tried to sink to the floor, but Han Sijin held me up.
“Not yet. Hold on a little longer.”
Then he leaned me against the wall and threw off his own clothes.
He’s crazy.
I had seen Han Sijin’s body before, but it had never been this dazzling.
I knew he had a beautiful body with well-defined muscles before, but now it was on a completely different level.
“Just how much have you been working out?”
He looked at me and chuckled, then took my hand.
“From now on, I won’t let you go. I won’t let you see other guys. You’ll belong only to me. And I’ll look only at you.”
“…Who said you could? Can you just decide everything on your own?”
“Yes. Because it’s me. It’s okay. I’m your idol. Your star.”
“…”
I think I’m going to be persuaded.
His hands moved gently, and each time, I trembled with sensations I had never experienced before.
He was like a magician.
Perfect and beautiful.
“You’re crazy.”
“That’s right. I’m crazy. Crazy about you, hyung.”
He caressed my cheek.
“I like you, hyung. I won’t ask if it’s okay. Because I’ll do it even if you say no. Because I can’t help it.”
Then he pulled me in passionately.
He pulled my arms to wrap around his neck and tightly embraced my waist.
The deep kiss was infinitely gentle.
What would Han Sijin’s kiss be like?
What kind of kisser would Han Sijin be?
I had wondered about that before.
And now I was realizing it.
That his kiss was infinitely gentle.
That it made me dizzy and made all thoughts fly away.
As his hands caressed down my back, I felt my whole body growing hot.
Why was I getting so excited?
It was just the touch of fingers brushing against me.
“What am I to you? Just one of the many members of Crop Five? If that’s the case, I won’t insist anymore.”
It seemed like too harsh and difficult a question to ask my drunken brain, but I wanted to look into my own heart too.
Han Sijin.
My favorite.
The guy who saved me when I heard my mother’s words that I was the grandson of Seyoung Group’s chairman, when I thought my mother was caught in a paranoid delusion.
Han Sijin might only superficially know what he meant to me, how grateful I was, but he was my lifesaver.
It wasn’t just that feeling.
Aside from everything else.
I liked him.
It would have been better if he had been my first kiss instead of Seo Irun.
What would have happened if things hadn’t gotten so twisted in the fitness room?
But if we had approached each other fearlessly with those unripe emotions back then, we probably wouldn’t be standing face to face like this now.
It might be sophistry, but to me, and at this moment, that was my true feeling.
“You’re different.”
“…What?”
“You’re different. You’re, my idol.”
Then a smile spread across his face.
He seemed to vaguely understand what I meant by “my idol.”
That he wasn’t just someone I took care of as a manager, but an idol in my life.
I embraced Han Sijin’s neck.
His smile became even brighter.
He pressed his lips against mine without hesitation.
Wrapping my tongue around his and immersing myself in the kiss, I opened my eyes and looked at him, and Han Sijin caressed my cheek.
“I wish I had known earlier that I liked you, hyung. Why was I such a fool not to recognize those feelings?”
“Shall we… go to the room?”
When I suddenly came to my senses and spoke, Han Sijin nodded readily.
When I tried to go out just like that, Han Sijin was startled and dressed me.
All I had to do was stand there, but I kept staggering, unable to do even that properly, so he shook his head.
Then, as if a thought had occurred to him, he suddenly took my hand.
“Let’s just go. I don’t want to hide it. What about you, hyung?”
“…Huh?”
He must be saying he doesn’t want to hide from the others in this house?
Somehow I had ended up in a strange relationship with everyone except Jeong Chan, and it seemed Han Sijin wanted to proudly confirm our relationship in front of them.
That is, if the other kids saw us leaving together.
So we went out with the mindset that it didn’t matter who saw us, but we didn’t run into anyone until we entered Han Sijin’s room.
Han Sijin snickered, but that smile disappeared once we entered the room.
“From now on, I won’t go easy on you.”
Then, without listening to anything, he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed.
I was thrown onto the bed and laughed.
I laughed because it was absurd; I never imagined I would be lifted so lightly and thrown like a doll.
Han Sijin approached me and began showering intense kisses on my neck.
That was good too, but still, I…
No. This seems even better.
I focused on him, letting out hot moans.
When Han Sijin moved down my back and continued to shower kisses, I clung to him desperately, feeling dizzy with pleasure.
Wait a minute…
It was fine when he went down to my waist, and even to my buttocks was more or less okay.
But suddenly a strange thought occurred to me, and I glared at Han Sijin and began an interrogation.
“Han Sijin. You. This isn’t your first time, is it?”
“What?”
“Sex.”
“What!!”
His eyes widened.
