# Chapter 34
Is it me that’s the problem?
My body?
When Cha Yeonwoo’s hand touched my cheek, I felt an emotion that was difficult to explain.
Like discovering a ray of light while sitting in darkness and unconsciously responding to it…
Should I call it instinctive?
I looked at Cha Yeonwoo and then turned my head away.
Then he approached and embraced me.
As he held me quietly, Yeonwoo seemed to be watching whether I would push him away.
As if he wouldn’t do anything more if I pushed him away.
With an unbelievably considerate touch, his fingers traced my nape.
Slowly, like checking a racing pulse, those fingers caressed down my neck.
The hand that moved downward slowly traced over my body as if savoring it, with just one thin layer of clothing between us.
“…”
I should say something.
I should tell him this isn’t right.
I should tell him to stop.
It was pathetic that I’d run away fearing this might happen, yet here I was letting it happen again.
But I couldn’t stop Cha Yeonwoo.
“How far did you go? With Irun hyung?”
Was it my imagination that the voice in my ear sounded ominous?
That infinitely gentle and warm gaze and touch.
It didn’t match his voice.
It sounded jealous.
Or perhaps more accurately, hurt.
Cha Yeonwoo cradled my nape and gently pulled me in, pressing his lips against mine.
“Give me more. Since I couldn’t be your first kiss.”
I should tell him not to say such nonsense, but what was I expecting?
I shook my head, but it was too feeble and powerless.
He didn’t seem to interpret it as active rejection either.
“This feels so good. I’m going crazy.”
Cha Yeonwoo smiled.
After a wet kiss.
“If I’d known it would feel this good, I would have just gone for it even if I was scared.”
Looking at his mischievous smile, I turned my head away.
It felt like seeing a statue of an angel smile maliciously.
He seemed reluctant to end our kiss, pressing his lips against mine several times while caressing me.
The fingers that played electric guitar to cheers from audiences everywhere.
Pretty nails.
Pretty fingers.
I could think of several more such descriptions about Cha Yeonwoo.
To me, who knew how much people cheered when they saw him on TV, this all felt so surreal.
“Yeonwoo… Cha Yeonwoo…”
That was how I told him not to stop.
After clinging to him for a while and then separating, Cha Yeonwoo chuckled.
“Can I come again next time?”
“I’m resting now, but I’ll be working later. It’ll be hard to match our schedules.”
I was awkwardly scraping together those words.
“I’ll figure it out.”
Cha Yeonwoo seemed to think I was already setting boundaries.
“I should make some coffee. I haven’t been a very good host, considering you came all this way.”
While I opened the window and made coffee, he came and sat at the table.
“Hyung. What do you think about Sijin?”
“What about him?”
“It seems like you like Sijin too.”
“I liked Sijin. I supported him. I told you.”
“No, I mean in a different way.”
I didn’t answer.
“You’re precious to Sijin. That’s why he’s so careful. I also hesitated until now, worried about what if you pushed me away, so I understand how Sijin feels.”
“Let’s stop talking about this. It doesn’t seem like something I should discuss with you here.”
Cha Yeonwoo laughed loudly.
“Go. This isn’t working. My mom will be home soon too.”
“Okay, Hyung. Make sure to answer when I contact you.”
“…”
“I mean for normal conversation. Don’t think anything strange.”
Cha Yeonwoo said with a smile, but still seemed to have some lingering feelings as he looked at me.
“Just like how Irun hyung meets with Dagyeong, maybe once in a while…”
“Get out of here, you.”
As I grabbed his arm and spoke, Cha Yeonwoo laughed.
He seemed to take my lack of clear refusal as affirmation.
After Cha Yeonwoo left, I became lost in thought.
Somehow, I’d crossed the line with three of the five members.
How did it come to this?
Would I be able to see the kids again in the future?
The kids would come looking for me, but should I meet them when they do?
But the answer didn’t seem difficult.
Each member had already entered too deeply into my heart, so it seemed I wouldn’t be able to forget them even if I moved to Seyoung Electronics.
Until my mom returned, I watched Crop Five.
Now I could see Crop Five on channels other than CMN too.
When I turned on the TV, Jeong Chan appeared discussing with his team to prepare for the stage.
—”What if we bring in cello here? If we lay down that heavy, mesmerizing sound, the atmosphere would change. I’ll start singing when the sound drops.”
Jeong Chan, with shining eyes as he discussed with the musicians, looked quite different from how I’d seen him before.
I hadn’t seen that scene, but it felt good to sense how hard he was working to improve the quality of the performance.
Next came Han Sijin’s team.
Although Han Sijin seemed a bit unmotivated, he was still being considerate of others and trying not to make them uncomfortable because of him.
He even apologized in advance for his lack of energy, saying he might be coming down with a cold—something that would have been hard to imagine from the previous Han Sijin.
‘Should I call him? He must be having complicated thoughts after coming all the way here.’
I wanted to tell him it wasn’t because of him, so I fidgeted with my smartphone for a while and finally made the call.
The call connected so quickly that I didn’t realize it for a moment.
Until I heard his voice.
—”…Hyung?”
* * *
We were sitting side by side in the car.
I often rode in cars with him like this before, but today was different.
Because we were together when we didn’t necessarily have to be.
When I connected with Han Sijin on the phone, I realized I wasn’t prepared for what to say.
Han Sijin seemed so moved by the fact that I had called that he kept calling my name.
When I responded, Han Sijin asked where I was and said he would come over, then he really took a taxi and came.
My mom happened to return home, so I got in the car with Han Sijin and went out.
During the drive, Han Sijin was almost silent.
I also couldn’t think of what to say.
Then finally, I spoke first.
“The timing might make you think I quit because of you, but that’s not it.”
“I’m sorry. I did wrong.”
“…”
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t do anything right either.”
“…”
Talking with Han Sijin was definitely difficult.
It felt much harder than talking with the other guys.
If Cha Yeonwoo hadn’t come to see me first, and if I hadn’t heard from him, I wouldn’t have understood why I was acting this way.
“I saw the broadcast, and you were doing well. You seem to be good with people too. Skills and other things are important, but in the end, the most important thing seems to be character. What good is being a genius? If people don’t want to support you, that’s the end. There are plenty of talented people around.”
Han Sijin nodded.
Not having much to say, I felt like I was just lecturing.
“How’s Team Leader Hyun?”
“He’s good.”
“Everyone adapting well?”
“I don’t know. They’ll manage on their own.”
“By the way, have you lost weight?”
“Of course I have.”
Seeing his expression that seemed to ask why I didn’t know, I was at a loss for words.
We had such a dull conversation that I wondered why we even met.
Still, Han Sijin answered each question diligently.
It was amazing that we spent two hours with such questions and answers.
“Go on then.”
“…”
“Keep in touch. Let’s see each other sometimes.”
“Yes. You should contact me too, hyung.”
“I will. Should I drive you back?”
“No… yes.”
“Okay.”
Deciding to drive him back extended our time together a little longer.
As we approached the dorm, Han Sijin, seemingly growing anxious, talked about various things.
They were all truly meaningless conversations in retrospect.
Still, they made me smile after hearing them.
“Stay healthy, eat well, and don’t try too hard, just do things moderately. Hyung.”
As we got closer to the dorm, Han Sijin made his requests to me.
“Working hard doesn’t leave you with anything. Health is the most important. There’s no need to wear yourself out. Just do as much as others do and hang in there like that.”
“Sure. I’m good at that kind of thing.”
“What do you mean you’re good at it? You’re always grinding yourself to the bone.”
“You should take it easy too. Just say you can’t do what you can’t do and that it’s not your specialty. Don’t suffer from vocal nodules. And don’t get injured by pushing yourself too hard when you can’t even dance well.”
“Ha…”
Han Sijin looked at me as if he couldn’t believe it and shook his head.
“Now that you’re not our manager anymore, you’re really speaking harshly, hyung.”
“I try to show concern and you give me crap.”
“No, this is… I get it. Thank you.”
Even that response was funny.
