At the quite firmly nodding head, Dowon burst into laughter. Muyoung, who had answered honestly and sincerely even to the joke, belatedly noticed his teasing and flushed. Dowon, who skillfully ordered from the menu with the flustered Muyoung laughing along in front of him, soon sent the staff away. Even in the silence, Muyoung, whose pounding heart couldn’t calm down, repeatedly gulped water while glancing at Dowon’s fingertips resting on the table.
They were hands that looked neat and strong whenever he saw them. The lines were straight and beautiful, but the joints were large and the whole was long. The kind of hands that when gripping something, would obviously never let go with terrifying grip strength.
“For helping me, I really… really thank you. I received word about the lawsuit. My agency said they’d respond strongly, but it seems like CEO-nim also got dragged into the work for no reason…”
“I just got lucky while personally looking into the rumor route. It was also fortunate I could arrive then. Since Muyoung-ssi is a sincere actor who’s never had a scandal, they probably thought lightly that you’d be scared of getting involved in such things and move as they wanted. It’ll hold out a bit but will be handled well.”
The situation being cleanly organized was no different from Dowon resolving everything. But he acted as if they could organize it without noise because Muyoung was a sincere actor. Muyoung’s thoughts were different. Scandals only happened if you were famous. Being an actor without incidents until now was simply because he had recognition that didn’t draw people’s attention. CEO Choi knew that fact well enough, so he’d been anxious whether Muyoung was thinking of sorting out his contract with this opportunity.
“Sincere… It’s probably because I haven’t been famous until now.”
“That statement now sounds like you’re saying if you’d been famous, you would have had scandals long ago?”
Muyoung, who had been appropriately adjusting the conversation and watching for an opportunity, stopped talking at the unexpected question. Dowon, who perhaps thought he’d laugh and brush off this much joking, looked puzzled at the stiffened Muyoung. Their gazes slowly intertwined. Dowon, who considered the silence unusual, asked without reservation.
“It seems I chose my joke poorly.”
“…”
Silence fell over the table again. Muyoung, who had been chewing the inside of his tightly closed mouth, soon lowered his gaze that had been looking at Dowon. It was difficult to bring up, but the resolution he’d vowed to tell had disappeared somewhere. His clasped hands trying to calm down even trembled a bit. The conversation completely disappeared as he organized his thoughts. Time flowed quietly until the food and wine to accompany it came out.
“If I startled you, I…”
“No, it’s not. It’s because I haven’t told you.”
This time doubt rose on Dowon’s face. His head tilting slightly along with it seemed somehow uncharacteristically cute, so Muyoung, who let a small laugh slip, covered his mouth with his fist and cleared his throat with a few coughs. He was resolved.
“I told you I’m a recessive Omega.”
Dowon nodded, remembering Muyoung hurriedly explaining himself the day they first met. A briefly lonely energy passed over Muyoung’s face as he fiddled with the glass he was holding. His lips that spat out a story he’d never brought up to anyone trembled weakly. Breaking the silence pooling between them, Muyoung’s calm voice crossed through the air.
“Originally everyone goes through it in adolescence. I manifested my first awakening too late. Moreover, I lived without even thinking I was a trait-bearer, let alone an Omega. I didn’t have much knowledge about traits either… Not knowing it was manifestation heat, I passed it off thinking I was just a bit tired, and manifestation suddenly came while I was in the club room I was active in during college.”
To Dowon, it sounded like a story even Muyoung was telling for the first time. It was even more so because he was telling it quite calmly, as if it were someone else’s story. Awkward and clumsy words were being slowly listed.
“College life as an orphan who came out of an institution was very busy, difficult, and all unfamiliar. I lived alone in a dormitory. I had to work part-time too… In the midst of that, perhaps because I was hungry for people, there was someone I secretly liked alone.”
I think that’s why I joined the club. He was a senior there. Muyoung tried not to mix in emotions even while tracing the past. It was just that it wasn’t quite easy since it was recalling good memories he’d first held. He just hoped it wouldn’t look like he had lingering attachment to the distant past.
“He was quite popular within the club, and I just admired him so it was good just to watch. But that person got swept up in my manifestation that suddenly burst. He was an Alpha.”
Muyoung looked at Dowon. His slightly furrowed brow made him instinctively sense this wasn’t a very welcome story to Dowon. But he didn’t stop talking.
“Things happened without knowing, and they had to be handled, and that person felt sorry to me in his own way… Fortunately, he was a kind person so he took me, who knew nothing, to the hospital and helped with institutional registration, so I could adapt. The suddenly faced situation was a bit flustering and in some ways satisfying too. It was a strange feeling. I tried to leave it as a memory and let go of my feelings of liking him, but… he said we’d imprinted.”
Muyoung, who couldn’t continue the following words, bit his lower lip tightly. Though he was talking calmly, the moment he recalled it again, it was vivid as if it happened just yesterday. That time when he’d collapsed in the gap of the old club room cabinet and could barely breathe. He could avoid the situation thanks to help received by chance. So he tried not to think deeply about it anymore.
Rather, he felt guilty about the facts revealed while going to the hospital for examination. Whether he’d dragged another person into his life for no reason, whether they were suffering some loss because of him. But on the other hand, it felt like he’d received an answer to the love he’d been ailing with alone insignificantly.
“Manifestation overlapped with a cycle and the situation was complicated. While speculating on the cause, it felt like an answer that it wasn’t just my one-sided love. At that time, it felt like receiving a gift. Thanks to imprinting, I acted and was active like a Beta, and being recessive, it wasn’t uncomfortable. So maybe I was too relieved.”
The most devastating moment was still vivid.
Dowon drank the wine in front of him. Probably he could guess what Muyoung had lost in the process of institutional matching, of meeting Dowon.
Muyoung eventually took a bit of wine in his glass. He still didn’t want to look like he was speaking borrowed from alcohol.
“I realized too late that the imprinting might have just been an accident to that person. So I couldn’t stop that person who said let’s break up and cancel the imprinting. I couldn’t catch the person turning away either… Who had been by my side all that time? Was it all a feeling I held alone, only alone…”
Dowon quietly stared at Muyoung’s face struggling to hold back tears. The reddened corners of his eyes trembled slightly, but his stubbornness to absolutely not cry seemed resolute. But he could tell from the already hardened expression. It must have been a wound difficult to endure. The heart that must have shattered in an instant when the time that would have been heavy just with a secret relationship became a memory that had to be cherished alone. Through Muyoung’s blurred eyes, the pain barely tied up seemed to flow out.
“…I didn’t have the presence of mind to handle it properly and missed the timing to receive imprint cancellation treatment. No, I just, I didn’t receive it. I couldn’t.”
He knowingly took no measures. Dowon also knew it was an attitude like suicide for a trait-bearer. He was an upright and innocent person. Sometimes, but when Muyoung laughed pleasantly, he looked like an innocent person who’d never had shadows exist their whole life and had never experienced pain. It was the kind of face that looked so clear that you couldn’t possibly think he was someone who’d endured alone while being rejected by family and by a loved one.
Until reaching the conclusion of destroying himself and getting to now, Muyoung’s chest had always been somewhere stuffy. He’d sometimes thought that because he couldn’t take the truth outside, all those dark and sticky things pooled somewhere inside his body. He’d thought he’d never have occasion to bring out the things piled up carefully outside his mouth until death. He’d vowed to sort it out without anyone knowing even after leaving the world forever. It’s a life where nothing goes as he wishes.
“I didn’t mean to deceive you, but I thought you shouldn’t not know about this. I’m receiving treatment now, but there might be times when we can’t meet for a while. I received a diagnosis that my pheromones are unstable, so they said I need to watch it. It’s okay even if you don’t continue meeting regardless of the contract.”
His greed wouldn’t stop. It was a feeling that had already started from when he tried to correct his condition after just postponing the hospital. If he’d truly tried to give up, he wouldn’t be sitting in this seat.
“…I know it’s not that there’s absolutely no method, right?”
The calmly asked question was nothing more than reconfirming a fact already known. Muyoung tried to answer sincerely while nodding. Rather, he was grateful Dowon wasn’t listening to his story emotionally.
“…Yes. Still, they said to be careful for now.”
Both knew about trait-bearers’ imprinting. Even without more explanation continuing, what he was asking with in mind. Muyoung was inwardly surprised that breaking up didn’t seem to be in Dowon’s consideration at all. His heart pounded fiercely, unable to hide the swelling expectation.
Muyoung recalled the reason for bringing up this story. The truth he couldn’t pour out gradually became heavier. Even if it made him uncomfortable and he might choose to never see him again, he at least didn’t want to leave him misunderstanding. And if he thought even such a him wasn’t bad, if such a miraculous thing happened, he felt he could muster courage once more. Even if it seemed like too selfish a greed.
For a while, silently eating the food on the table or sipping alcohol without any words, the silence wasn’t uncomfortable.
“It must have been hard alone without anyone knowing.”
“…It wasn’t all bad. Work was enjoyable, and CEO-nim and Section Manager-nim were by my side too.”
His narrow human relationships stood out and Muyoung was inwardly embarrassed, but there was no hesitation in mentioning them. They were people who gave much more strength than when there was absolutely no one around.
“Next time you go to the hospital, let’s go together. It bothers me that I let you go alone.”
The casually dropped words released Muyoung’s breath. Taking a big breath and raising his lowered gaze, Dowon’s smiling lips were the first thing that entered Muyoung’s eyes. At Muyoung’s eyes shaking more than when he’d spilled his secret, Dowon made a troubled face.
“I won’t give up that easily. I have no intention to either. Did you… hope for that?”
“Ah, no. It’s not. That’s not…”
While shaking his head at Dowon’s words and answering, Muyoung realized what answer he’d given. His face that had paled and sunk instantly reddened. Though Dowon’s expression that became somehow more mischievous didn’t seem to have other intentions, he himself had been fumbling and didn’t even know he’d been caught up in his playfulness.
“Things to do together have increased.”
“…That’s right.”
I’ll have to free up a lot of time. I’ll leave work on time from now on.
