On such days, somehow even the worries he’d been having and the fearful future all sank to the bottom. He thought she probably worried in her own way about him who had no choice but to remain at the orphanage until becoming an adult.
‘Anywhere, doing anything, anytime. If you come here, I can at least give you a cup of tea. You have to do well. You know?’
It was so even on the day he had to leave the orphanage. It was naturally a place where adults couldn’t be, plus there were hardly any children attending high school at the time. Including Muyoung, were there one or two remaining?
For Muyoung, school friends and orphanage children were the same. The relationship wasn’t bad enough to fight, but that said, there was no warm relationship enough to remember each name one by one and exchange greetings. Having someone by his side was only heavy and difficult. There was also the fault of surroundings that only changed frequently, but in the end, he knew he was in a position to live alone in the world. Still, the director’s words to come to the orphanage anytime remained in Muyoung’s heart for a long time.
The day he left for the dormitory carrying luggage that all fit in one large bag. It was cold too, and the road he had to go was far. Since he had to find an unfamiliar place, Muyoung who was leaving in a hurry only briefly looked back when he reached the end of the road after exiting the orphanage entrance. A shadow that stood still at the entrance he’d passed and watched him was stretched out long.
“First, take good care of your body. They say that side works day and night.”
“I don’t have that much work, so I’m fine.”
“But why did you lose so much weight like this? Your complexion isn’t good either.”
“…You’re finding fault again saying it’s been a while.”
Sipping the moderately cooled tea, at the director’s words that made him flinch, Muyoung flatly denied and laughed. The thick tea like soup spread sweetly in his mouth. Even while gently running his tongue across the roof of his mouth, the tea he eagerly finished drinking was substantial like a meal.
“Your body is your fortune. If you’re sick somewhere, whine a bit and work cleverly.”
“…Director-nim doesn’t do that either.”
That’s why he anonymously helped this place, saving up some each time he received appearance fees. It was also under the pretext of repaying a debt, and if he didn’t do that, he somehow felt anxious. He didn’t bother weighing the reason. He just naturally did so. Even though he thought of the orphanage as just a place that received exactly as much help as needed and was occasionally remembered.
Starting work as an actor, the occasional questions received about his origin were unavoidable. Each time he mentioned the orphanage, he was neither particularly ashamed nor so proud. Anyway, he knew well that he had walked a slightly different time from the majority, and people didn’t welcome such foreigners.
Thinking it couldn’t be helped, yet the moments that occasionally became lonely were quite difficult to shake off.
“If you were working cleverly like me, I wouldn’t even worry.”
“I’m really okay. I just came to get some air, one thing and another.”
He felt like his insides were completely filled only with words mixed with worry and concern.
At age twenty, when he left this place. Until he left his sight, he thought that shadow watching him might be his only hometown.
A body where he didn’t even know how much time he had left to move completely, and hard to guarantee where and how it would be damaged. He thought it was a truly hollow diagnosis. Of course, it wasn’t that he couldn’t believe Lim Hyunsu the doctor’s words. Since he deliberately visited a hospital he hadn’t been to with determination, he thought there would be even a little clear answer.
Muyoung, who left the orphanage and walked the nearby walking trail, sat on the bench visible ahead and quietly leaned his back. Since the sun hadn’t set yet, the warm temperature of the wood subtly permeated through his skin. The prescription rustled inside his pocket. Briefly staring blankly at people passing by sporadically, somehow he felt his disappointed self in the examination results was strange.
Had he vaguely expected he could live well on his own somehow? After becoming in a position where he couldn’t be greedy even if he tried to be, he belatedly tried to salvage things but just heard words that he absolutely couldn’t do so.
Eat well, sleep well. If there’s a problem, go to the hospital.
He didn’t know why these most common words of advice became so difficult to keep. He had no choice but to live alone so he tried to live alone, and in the process he just met someone. He just cherished everything by pouring it all out wanting to protect the person he loved. It felt like the whole world was pointing out that was the stupidest thing he did.
How long had he been sitting blankly? Vibration rang from Muyoung’s pocket. Squinting one eye at the sound of being interrupted even in time alone and still, he took out his phone.
On the screen where the vibration stopped, short sentences rose one after another along with a notification window of a familiar color. Even while seeing and reading the notification window with his eyes, it didn’t immediately input into his head, so he pushed with his finger again to open the message window. Whether he was temporarily dazed for a moment or his eyes hurt from seeing too much sunlight, only now was a new text under the name Han Dowon confirmed.
Han Dowon
Did you sleep well last night?
The afternoon has already passed. Did you eat your meal well?
I had no leisure so I’m only about to eat now, and I thought of Muyoung-ssi so I contacted you.
Eat well. Sleep well.
Dowon’s words asking him about the things the hospital advised felt strangely unfamiliar. At greetings similar to urging, worrying about things that become endlessly lazy when trying to take care of them alone, he looked back on the day. He woke up in late morning, had a quick meal with salad, and visited the hospital. And was reprimanded about his body condition he hadn’t taken care of. For such a poor patient to listen to, Dowon’s texts were questions that were too kind.
Expressing interest might ultimately start from such questions. Being curious about someone’s day, being curious about someone’s work, being curious about someone’s meals and rest.
The phone screen he was looking at turned black as time passed. Bending his upper body as is and at the breath he inhaled, moisture he didn’t even notice himself was present.
It was only pitch dark. Even knowing that if he left like this, someday he’d be forgotten by everyone, he was at a loss and scared. In the not-too-distant future, he was someone who’d hurt them once. He felt awkward about himself only receiving bit by bit right now, and simultaneously anxious because that kindness was too sweet. He thought he’d be dull toward people too since he was dull enough not to even feel his body screaming in pain. Had he been so starved for people that he’d burst into tears at a few words of greeting?
What words should he use to answer? After repeatedly asking questions he himself didn’t know the right answers to, he eventually slowly entered a reply. Words he wrote and erased several times floated around chaotically in his head, even though he wasn’t going to mention that he’d been to the hospital.
Facts he couldn’t reveal, dishonest words piling up became increasingly burdensome and uncomfortable. Acting as if nothing was wrong was also gradually becoming difficult. The public sphere as the public sphere, the private sphere as the private sphere. The self from all the days he’d lived grabbed his ankles and made him gradually move away from the truth.
I slept well and took good care of myself.
CEO-nim, please eat well and take care of your health too.
Letting flow into the window only words that wouldn’t cause major hurt even if he didn’t answer, he dropped his heavy arms. He knew he was doing this not because he didn’t want to hurt the other person, but ultimately because he himself didn’t want to receive it. The thought also followed that if he was going to be scared of the hurt he’d receive from such a text, he should have properly taken care of his body, but that too wasn’t something that could be done as he pleased.
Noticing the gradually slanting sunlight, he got up from the bench. He had to pick up the prescribed medicine and go home to eat something. Eat well, sleep well. Then would he become a bomb that could at least look fine on the outside for a while? Taking a deep breath and looking around, he slowly moved his steps.
* * *
The weekend they were supposed to meet arrived quickly as if it had been waiting. The day before, when he let out a short sigh at the subtly expectant voice, he was harassed by the man who caught him on it, asking if he sighed because he couldn’t say he was annoyed right now. Thanks to that, Muyoung ended the call after repeatedly floundering without being able to deal with what he’d done.
It was like that even though they’d already met three or four times. It was more so because of the skillful way of speaking of a man who completely captivated his attention whenever they met.
‘Do you usually tease people this well?’
‘…Me, you mean?’
‘…You’re doing it right now too.’
‘Mm, because Muyoung-ssi is always a serious person. It’s comfortable if you relax even at times like this, isn’t it?’
‘…You don’t need to say I’m boring like that.’
You’re very honest. That’s unfortunate. Dowon’s tone as he smiled faintly with an expression that was genuinely regretful was listless. The moment he realized he’d overreacted, he couldn’t keep looking at that face. It was embarrassing.
Even as he withdrew his gaze, the lightly raised corner of his mouth kept catching at the edge of his vision. Actually, he wanted to look properly too. Even though they had to part ways soon, there was no way he didn’t notice Muyoung’s suddenly blunt mood. But because Dowon suddenly conveyed honest words at that time, he himself became more flustered instead.
These days, phone calls with this man were the most difficult and most awkward rather than all the strange people he encountered in the industry. Whether it was a problem with himself who didn’t live mixing well with people, or an inherently difficult person to handle, it was difficult every time even without seeing his face directly.
Actually, if he were in front of him, he could at least put on a smiling face thinking of it as acting, but on the phone where emotions were fully exposed, he was only awkward about what points of the other person he should read and what of himself he should show.
“Did you wait long?”
He’d been waiting briefly in the parking lot at the words that arrival was near. At the message earlier than the promised time, only the image of himself who’d been flustered just checking if he’d forgotten anything came to mind, so he just shook his head.
The man who deliberately got out of the car and approached closely was dressed more casually than ever. Dark jeans with a simple t-shirt underneath and a thin summer jacket thrown on suited him to the extent of looking refreshing and light.
“No, right after I got your contact… I came down.”
“I was careful not to be late, so that’s fortunate. Let’s get in.”
More than anything, the bangs that were usually swept back to look rigid were naturally disheveled today, so his eyes kept going to his face. After only seeing an appearance without disorder in several meetings, confirming such a different appearance like this made today’s meeting feel real.
Whether a gaze looking like this was nothing at all, Dowon’s expression opening the passenger side car door was plain. Muyoung, who would usually have felt burdened, got in the car as if drawn by the kindness that wasn’t excessive.
Because of the hot weather, Muyoung had also dressed a bit lightly. He’d checked the mirror several times and chosen his current clothes to avoid showing signs of caring too much. Cream-colored cotton pants with a white shirt seemed like it wouldn’t be strange. But when Dowon’s gaze just staring blankly while sitting in the driver’s seat continued, Muyoung couldn’t stand it and checked his own outfit while running his hand over his face.
“…Is something strange?”
“No, you just look different today.”
“It’s similar to before though.”
“Then maybe my mood is a bit different today.”
At the cryptic words, whether Muyoung’s head tilted on its own, he narrowed his brow at Dowon’s face imitating him the same way. Reading the complaint that wasn’t very scary, a laugh leaked out with a “pfft.” When his gaze was briefly distracted following the gentle arc that flowed at Dowon’s mouth, firm fingertips lightly pressed his brow and withdrew.
“If you keep frowning, you’ll get wrinkles. Someone whose face is their fortune.”
“Not particularly…”
“An actor not managing themselves like this.”
Even at words spoken as if exaggeratedly regretful, his expression was a face dying of fun. Unable to tell at all how to respond, Muyoung turned his gaze outside. Although he let out a small sigh without responding, Muyoung’s face as he fastened his belt and leaned back comfortably was more relaxed than just before. The car that flowed out toward the road with a soft sound soon drove leisurely among cars that had come out onto the streets.
Muyoung, who had been blankly there listening to the music flowing in the car without prominent conversation, followed the movement of Dowon taking out and putting on sunglasses. He captured in his gaze everything, even the blinking several times as if his eyes were dazzled by the summer sunlight beating down through the car window. The profile that briefly looked at him then looked ahead again for driving was subtly creating a languid atmosphere.
Muyoung, who had been looking straight ahead after forcibly turning his gaze from the face his eyes kept going to, slightly grasped the belt he was wearing. He absolutely couldn’t stop himself from unknowingly deeply inhaling the scent filling the car.
It definitely didn’t seem to be like this when they first started. Muyoung kept fiddling with the hem of his pants that were already quite dirty, concerned about it.
Less than an hour after arriving at this lake where he was sitting blankly with a fishing rod cast, something happened. Actually, Muyoung, who hadn’t known he’d come out to the provinces like this, was at first slightly excited by the drive gradually moving away from the city center.
Although there were no restrictions on moving anywhere as long as he informed the company in advance, he’d never gone far alone or traveled. It was because of excuses like not knowing when work might come up or Jinho might contact him, so even on days off, he never left the house. Even though he’d never found that uncomfortable or frustrating, when he actually faced completely different scenery, his mood became refreshed.
