# Chapter 59
Woosang never answered me in the end. Though I vaguely understood why he didn’t say anything, I couldn’t fully comprehend it.
What did he think of my story? Was he already prepared to accept it? Or did he think we should maintain a certain distance?
I couldn’t know for sure, but I didn’t feel that my existence would disappear like this. His expression told me that much.
I lifted my hand that had been patting his shoulder and carefully caressed Woosang’s eyelids. Just a few hours ago, the eyes hidden beneath those lids had looked at me steadily.
But now I couldn’t fully remember what kind of gaze he had given me. Perhaps feeling my touch, his eyelids fluttered.
And naturally, he took me into his eyes.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning.”
“What time is it?”
“It’s around, um, 10 o’clock now.”
Woosang adjusted the blanket he was under, then threw it off and got up. I also rose to match him and picked up the clothes that had fallen beside the bed, handing them to him. I turned around, put on my own clothes, and waited for him to change.
Before long, I heard Woosang get up and enter the bathroom, the sound of washing coming from within. Having stayed at a nearby hotel last night on short notice, I was still disoriented. Since I’d only been to Berlin a few times, I didn’t know anything about the local geography, and Woosang had also said he didn’t know the area well, so we’d just entered somewhere that looked decent.
After he came out, I also washed my face, and then we left the hotel. As I hesitated and looked at Woosang, he seemed to be contemplating something while standing still in front of the hotel.
“If you’re still sleepy, should we get some coffee?”
“Sure.”
“Wait a moment. I haven’t been to this area much, so I need to find a place.”
Looking around, the surroundings were so quiet and the buildings so sparse that I wondered if this was really the same Berlin I’d visited before. Paris was always crowded everywhere, and you couldn’t help but be jostled by people, so this was an unfamiliar landscape. Woosang groaned a bit while looking at his phone, then nodded at me to follow.
“Is it okay if it’s somewhere you don’t know well?”
“Yes. I don’t know it well, but it’s not completely unfamiliar either. Let’s go quickly.”
Seeing him leave so nonchalantly, it seemed that for the time being, he wouldn’t give me an answer about last night. If that was the case, it would be better not to be anxious and swallow my concerns. I massaged my stiff neck with my hand and followed behind him in his light attire.
“Come to think of it, where is your luggage?”
“I left it at Bel’s place. We’ll need to go get it when we return.”
That’s right. He had planned to come meet Bel. I felt embarrassed that this fact had only just occurred to me. Woosang had come all the way here specifically to meet her, but in the end, he was with me again. A mix of guilt and a strange resentment arose.
Woosang, striding forward with large steps, seemed to have no hesitation. He was still a different person from me, who was intimidated by the unfamiliar city. With summer approaching, the deep blue sky and the slightly swaying trees matched Woosang very well. His appearance, as if someone had placed him in a painting, tickled my insides.
After staring for a long time, I realized we had arrived in front of a small café.
“Let’s just buy coffee and go outside.”
When I nodded, he went in and naturally ordered two coffees. While I kept my mouth shut at the language I couldn’t understand at all, I wondered how I must look in the eyes of the people. I was a bit worried.
‘It’s about time I stopped standing stupidly behind him all the time…’
He received two cups of coffee in his hands and handed one to me. I thanked him and took a sip, but the taste was truly awful. Rather than making me sleepy, the taste seemed to wake me up entirely.
“This coffee tastes really…”
“Fantastic, right?”
After we both stiffened our expressions for a while, we couldn’t help but laugh softly after leaving the café.
After laughing for some time and taking another sip of coffee, I was enveloped by an indescribable feeling. Encountering new experiences together was somewhat overwhelming for me.
After walking in silence for quite some time, I noticed we had arrived in front of a subway station. Not knowing whether to enter the station or continue walking, I looked at Woosang, and he seemed lost in thought as well.
“Since we’re here, would you like to sightsee around Berlin?”
“…Sure.”
“I don’t like crowded places, can we go to a place I like?”
“Of course.”
A place he likes. In Paris, Woosang didn’t particularly favor specific areas. He just liked places with good restaurants, nothing more, nothing less. After throwing my coffee into a trash can, I followed Woosang into the station.
He bought me a train ticket and placed it in my hand.
“Where are we going?”
“A park near where I used to live. There are still a few people on weekday mornings, but I liked it because it’s quiet.”
“Ah.”
I had wondered if he had preferences for specific places, but I nodded at his simple reason of liking it because it’s quiet. Like me, Woosang didn’t particularly like crowded places. He had said that Korea was more bustling than Paris, but compared to Berlin, Paris had slightly more people.
Could that be why? When he said it was a place he liked, I found myself wanting to see it.
After about 20 minutes on the subway, he tipped me off that we needed to get off at the next stop. I just nodded at the unfamiliar announcements I heard as we passed by.
“Here, we need to get off here.”
As I got up and disembarked with him, no one else got off besides us. As we went up from underground to ground level, the sunlight was shining more strongly than before. Woosang walked forward, unconcerned about the sunlight.
It was strange that a city that was unfamiliar to me was a natural place for him. But there were many cases where things that were clumsy for me were familiar to him. I knew that well. I hoped that the familiar things he had would become natural to me too.
Because I was tired of being led around without being able to do anything.
“This is a place called Zehlendorf, I used to live around here for a long time. It’s a distance from the central area, but I think that’s why I liked it more.”
“It’s quiet.”
Even the roads were empty, and few people were walking around. It was as if someone had removed all the people from the city.
“Would you like to live in such a quiet place?”
“I wonder… But I know it’s difficult to live like that.”
“……”
“Because I always have to live under someone’s gaze.”
Woosang’s words were heavy, but his steps seemed light. Living under someone’s gaze. If I wanted to hide, he would also hide his body and live day by day. But what meaning would such a life have?
There was no place in the world where one could completely hide. Just as Oliver had witnessed my childhood self, which I thought no one would ever know about.
Thinking of Oliver, I was reminded of that winter again. Winter had already ended, and it was the season when warm sunlight fell. Nevertheless, the memories that surfaced were still here.
The sound of Woosang’s footsteps was occasionally erased by the sound of passing cars. Disliking that, I walked closely beside him.
Before long, we came to a wide open space where cars couldn’t enter. The place was a continuous smooth field without a single hill. Perhaps because it was still an ambiguous season with wind, there wasn’t a single human shadow.
I reached out my hand and brushed the grass that came up to my waist. The rough sensation awakened me.
“I think it would be nice to live in a place like this.”
“Really?”
“Yes. But…”
A strong wind came and divided the space between us. I paused my words briefly and stared blankly at Woosang.
“I know that things like places don’t matter.”
The remaining wind seemed to have cut off my words as well, but I believed Woosang had heard enough.
***
After walking for hours, we boarded the subway with a tired feeling. It had been a long time since I’d walked enough to make my legs ache.
The rattling subway was dirtier than I expected. Since Paris’s subway was similar, I couldn’t say it was particularly bad, but seeing a fight breaking out right in front of us made me wonder if the field we had just been in was all an illusion.
“Where are we going?”
“Well, shall we go to the central area first?”
“Sure.”
I changed trains and continued walking as he led. And before long, we arrived near a bustling city area.
“What should we do now?”
“……”
Looking at him asking me casually, my mind turned completely blank. Woosang seemed to read my confused expression.
“Now think about what you truly want to do. What you completely want, without needing to listen to what I say.”
What I completely want.
What he said was like an answer to last night. Even in this bustling city, our conversation rose clearly.
While all other things would become blurred and disappear, the current time where we existed was vivid.
“For now, I want to eat something.”
“Good.”
Woosang, smiling with his teeth showing like a child, which was unlike him, looked pleased. Though I couldn’t fully understand his emotions, I wanted to be happy with him.
Although I hadn’t eaten anything yet, my stomach felt heavy, as if I couldn’t breathe. My emotions filled me to the point of almost overflowing.
“Do you like being in Berlin?”
Wondering if his excited appearance might be due to the city, I asked Woosang, but he answered lightly.
“I’m not sure.”
After his ambiguous answer, I looked down slightly at Woosang who was waiting for me to move.
Whatever it was, it seemed like I needed to go first.
The loud sound of sirens. People passing by, laughing loudly. Gazes observing us as we stood still.
The bustling city and narrow spaces had never been welcome to me, but the discomfort I had was gradually changing.
***
I walked near the riverbank with a bottle of beer in my hand. After having a decent meal, we bought a bottle of beer each from a nearby mart and took a sip.
It was still a taste I couldn’t understand, but with the cool breeze from the river, I wondered if there would come a day when this too would become alright.
Woosang had already finished his bottle and put it in the trash can, and was now gauging how much I had drunk by looking at my bottle.
“…Want some?”
“No. You finish it all, Teo.”
Wondering if he was being a little mischievous, knowing I couldn’t finish it all, I hesitated before taking another sip of beer. The bitter taste wouldn’t leave my mouth.
“Sometimes I enjoy drinking like this with someone.”
“…?”
Thinking he might want to finish it after all, I silently handed him the beer bottle I was holding. He grinned again and waved his hand.
“So, give it a try.”
