# Chapter 58
I was about to speak to him as he bowed his head in embarrassment, but I closed my mouth again and tried to read his emotions. He must have come running here because something had happened to him, yet Teo was only showing concern for me as he asked:
“Have these things happened to you often before?”
“Yes. Quite often.”
“……”
I answered honestly about a topic I had tried to avoid before. Even though it was a subject I had only tried to avoid, looking at his expression, I didn’t feel like hiding anymore.
“How often?”
“Every day before I met Teo.”
“Every day…”
As we came out of the airport, the sky had already turned pitch black, and there was no light except for the streetlamps.
Even though summer was approaching, the air was freezing cold, and I could feel my body rapidly cooling down. What about him?
Perhaps because he had rushed here in a hurry, his clothes were noticeably disheveled. I moved closer to him and straightened his clothes, and he made that sad expression again.
It was always like this. Clearly, he was the one who had been hurt, but I couldn’t leave him alone as he acted as if he had inflicted a great wound on me.
“I told you before. That I had no proper place to stand here. The only one who really saw me…”
“……”
“I don’t trust anyone but you now. Because you made me this way.”
“…!”
He seemed somewhat shocked by my words.
My heart sank heavily. His expression instead made me feel tormented. I became terrified of being abandoned.
“I was just being honest, is that too burdensome for you?”
The noise of passing cars erased the silence we had created as they went by. I liked his eyes wavering under the streetlight.
He ran his hand through his hair and staggered slightly. Afraid he might fall, I approached and grabbed his arm, but he startled and shook off my arm.
Then, hesitating, he spoke to me again.
“Please hold me.”
After pushing me away, he hesitated before reaching out his hand. I took his hand, which seemed dizzy, and waited for him to look at me.
Suddenly, with our eyes meeting, we sorted out the things we wanted to say. Teo firmly closed his mouth as if deliberately swallowing his words.
I couldn’t fully understand his emotions, but somehow today, it felt like I might hear the words he had left unspoken.
I thought I would feel deep delight, but surprisingly, I felt nothing at all. Rather, I was surprised by the incredibly peaceful feeling.
The long, long wait was finally about to show me its end.
***
We boarded the surface train, and Teo, perhaps tired, immediately fell asleep leaning on my shoulder. Seeing the fatigue around his eyes, I stroked his eyelids with my finger out of concern, and a tear that had been welling up fell.
A feeling of concern and breathless joy came over me. At this moment, I felt completely alive.
But suddenly, a tear fell from my eye too.
“…Why am I like this.”
My reflection in the window didn’t look pathetic. Seeing Teo who had run to me with a tearful expression despite all my intimidation and threats, somehow I felt like I completely possessed him now.
Nevertheless, an inexplicable emotion wouldn’t let go of me. My eyelids trembled finely.
I liked how Teo acted as if he couldn’t fully escape from me. So this emotion didn’t seem to be perfect sadness either. As I stared blankly outside for a while, I realized we had already passed the station where we needed to get off.
Though I knew I should wake Teo, I didn’t want to. But before long, as the surface train was about to leave Berlin, I felt we couldn’t continue like this and called him.
“Teo. Wake up now.”
He just frowned without showing signs of waking up, so I had no choice but to shake his shoulder. After several vigorous shakes, he flinched and opened his eyes.
“We need to get off. It looks like we’re about to leave Berlin entirely.”
“…Ah.”
He looked around, seemingly trying to figure out where we were. And he blinked in surprise, perhaps startled by the unfamiliar German language echoing throughout the surface train.
“I’m glad you’re awake. Let’s get off.”
He nodded silently, and I finally led him off at the station. But we had already left Berlin, and everywhere around was pitch black.
It seemed like we could take another surface train back to Berlin from the station, but I wanted to walk a little right now.
He seemed confused by the unfamiliar dark surroundings, but he didn’t seem to dislike it.
“I was thinking we could walk a bit, is that okay?”
“Yes, it’s fine.”
After moderately checking our direction, I walked ahead. Teo looked around a few times at the unfamiliar scenery, but soon walked normally beside me.
In the quiet scenery, even my excited thoughts seemed to be erased. And only then did my damp eyes brush against my hand, and I secretly wiped my eyes when Teo wasn’t looking.
“…Are you crying?”
Teo, who noticed it with uncanny perception, asked in a surprised tone.
“Why? Do I seem like someone who wouldn’t bleed a drop even if stabbed?”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
Teo, not knowing how to respond to my joke, vehemently denied it. I wore a lukewarm smile.
Then suddenly, I felt that if not now, I might never be able to ask anything. As I unconsciously erased my smile and put on a serious expression, he too seemed prepared to listen to something.
Taking a deep breath, I said to him:
“Why did you come looking for me? Weren’t you afraid of me?”
“…You know I can’t do that.”
How would I know that? We were closer than anyone else yet also farther apart than anyone else. So there was no way I could fully understand his emotions.
When Teo made such blind expressions, I was rather the one who felt confused. The way he would act as if he didn’t care at all, and then subtly blame me for not understanding him, often gave me a sense of bewilderment.
Unlike before, Teo was becoming an increasingly complex person, and I couldn’t completely control him.
“Are you ready to tell me now?”
“……”
Seeing his expression as if someone was choking him, my mouth felt dry. I wondered if the time still wasn’t fully right. That could be the case. But right now, I wanted him to tell me.
After hesitating for a long time, he opened his mouth.
“When I was young, I lived in a place with a lot of snow.”
“…!”
I hadn’t expected him to talk about his past. Since I thought he would simply explain why he had come to Berlin, it felt like I had been hit with an unexpected attack.
“It was incomparably colder than France, but now I can’t even remember how cold that place was. France is always warm…”
I knew he hadn’t been born in France, but actually hearing it from his lips felt strange. I held my breath and listened attentively.
As I listened silently, Teo pondered for a while and then continued.
“I lived deep in the mountains with just my parents, but my parents always looked at me with disapproval. And I didn’t find that strange. Because I thought there was no such thing as someone’s goodwill in the world.”
“…You said that.”
“It wasn’t that bad when I think about it,” he added.
I recalled the initial Teo who pushed away my emotions as if they would crumble. That naive time when he incomprehensibly turned away from and couldn’t accept others’ goodwill.
What was I thinking when I saw Teo back then? Only a small fragment of emotion remained within me, so I couldn’t remember perfectly.
Was he perplexed by the goodwill he felt from me? Or was he happy?
“At that time, the person who raised me made me a proposal. He asked if I wanted to go to a warmer place than where we were living.”
He took a breath and suddenly made a painful expression. Even in the dark street, I could see his lips trembling.
Because he seemed more distressed than I expected, I vaguely understood why he had refused to speak until now.
“He said he would take me if I killed my parents with my own hands. And, I nonchalantly left for France with that person…”
“……”
I thought I wouldn’t be affected by any story, but his expression took my breath away. More than the story itself, seeing him suffering was even more heartbreaking.
I wanted to reach out and grab his sleeve, but it felt like I shouldn’t touch him. Somehow, it felt like a distance was gradually forming. Not my distance toward him, but the gap that Teo had been building toward me.
“I thought I had never killed people because I wanted to since I was young, but from the beginning, I had started with malice.”
His wavering eyes turned to me. As if he couldn’t stop the emotions once they were released, he pondered for a long time and then said:
“Don’t you dislike someone like me?”
His trembling hands repeatedly gripped and released themselves, seemingly trying to hide his body that was moving on its own.
What thoughts must he have while speaking words that deny himself?
“…I’m not sure I won’t kill you someday. After all, that’s how I was born,”
After hesitating for a long time, he finally whispered:
“What are you going to do?”
***
I shifted my body as the incoming sunlight stung my eyes. Noticing that the blanket I was covered with felt different from the one I usually sleep under, I touched it several times with my hand.
Then, sensing someone’s presence beside me, I hurriedly got up, and the person next to me also seemed startled by my movement, showing a small reaction.
“Where is…”
I lifted the blanket that was gently covering me. Naturally, Woosang was beside me.
‘Right. After coming to Berlin…’
Recalling what had happened last night, I realized why I couldn’t be in my right mind.
Letting out a sigh as I became distressed again, I pressed my eyes. I had clearly had a long conversation last night, but somehow my mind was hazy.
Then, feeling Woosang shifting, I swallowed my breath and hid my body back under the blanket.
I gently reached out and tapped his shoulder with just my fingertips. The familiar sensation seemed to spread from my fingertips throughout my body.
Though I somehow felt resentful toward him who was still beside me, I knew it wasn’t my true feeling.
One side of my chest became unbearably itchy, making it impossible to stay still.
Taking a breath and then inhaling again, as the familiar scent entered my body, I wanted to hide comfortably for now.
