“If something like that were to happen now……”
Hyung-nim said quietly.
“Even if you didn’t get as sick as you did back then, everyone would be surprised and worried. At our house too.”
“……”
“If you had appendix surgery.”
His eyes had been sharp just moments ago, but still, hyung-nim’s voice was quite calm. I liked hyung-nim’s composure, his maturity in not losing his calm even when faced with bad things.
Even when I was sick, hyung-nim had calmly checked my condition and taken me to the hospital more composedly than Mom and Dad. So in some ways, hyung-nim was more comfortable than Mom and Dad.
“Hyung won’t go anywhere, I’ll stay by Hajin’s side the whole time. Close your eyes and count numbers one by one. Then Mom and Dad will come see Hajin soon too.”
The large hand that patted my chest all night long, the voice that rang endlessly warm and kind. And the deep eyes I saw when I opened mine.
From all of that from hyung-nim, eleven-year-old me received baseless comfort that felt like everything would be okay.
Even if I told him I might actually be very sick, wouldn’t hyung-nim accept it more calmly than Mom and Dad?
Then would all the fear and worry until now disappear? Like back then.
“So don’t get sick, and in the time you’d spend worrying about that, contact your parents often. I’ll take you there, so sometimes deliberately visit on weekends too. It’s close by.”
“Yes, I should do that.”
Even to me as a college student, hyung-nim was still a large presence like Mom and Dad.
I realized once again. In Lee Hajin’s world, the existence called Yoo Jeongwoo could never become small. I bit my lip tightly.
“Hyung-nim, you contacted Mom, didn’t you?”
When I asked playfully, hyung-nim took a sip of water. As expected, it seemed Mom’s influence was involved.
“Of course, I’m looking after you in place of those two.”
He was just flustered a moment ago. In an instant, he hid such signs completely and spoke calmly.
Hyung-nim kindly keeps in touch with my parents and doesn’t find it bothersome at all. He’s always been like that.
“It’s not quite looking after me. We’re roommates……”
“Right, let’s say we’re roommates.”
Hyung-nim nodded with a smile. Even his smile gesturing for me to hurry and finish eating was affectionate. I raised my cup and drank water to hide my face that was about to turn red. Just like hyung-nim had done moments ago.
“Come to think of it, is there anything going on at school? Looking at it, you don’t seem to talk to me about school.”
“Um……. In our department. Couples are forming these days.”
“Couples?”
I nodded vigorously at hyung-nim’s words.
“There’s Gyeongho, a friend who broke up with a girlfriend he’d been dating for a long time, but now he’s doing well with another girl among our classmates. The girl is the department president, and in my opinion, they suit each other really well.”
Han Seoyoung and Lee Gyeongho weren’t officially dating yet, but everyone was guessing the two would soon become an official couple.
“I wondered how he could forget his girlfriend so quickly, but they say you forget love with love. And they say when bodies grow distant, hearts grow distant too.”
If that was the case, I wanted to stick right next to hyung-nim. And never be apart for even a moment.
In my own thoughts, the saying about hearts growing distant when bodies grow distant made sense. Although it wasn’t in the form of love, the biggest reason hyung-nim’s interest in me had been consistent was probably because we always lived close by.
“What about Jihyeon?”
I came to my senses at the suddenly mentioned name.
“Ah, Jihyeon is still trying. It seems really hard. Because the other person is a difficult person……”
“How difficult of a person are they?”
Hmm. I chose my words for a moment.
“They’re much more adult than us…… someone they’ve looked up to since childhood, an ideal type they’ll never meet again in their lifetime, that kind of existence, I guess.”
The reason I could empathize whenever I heard Choi Jihwan’s one-sided love story was because I knew that feeling well too. Even if not exactly the same form, there were many similarities between Choi Jihwan’s and my love.
“Then it must be hard. It’s troublesome from an adult’s perspective too if a young kid just rushes at them saying they like them.”
“……”
“Advise them that it’s much better to meet someone their own age. Like other normal kids.”
At those words, I quietly lowered my gaze. The rice bowl, more than half empty, came into view.
I bit my lip for a moment, then spoke in a lowered voice.
“But Jihyeon said they’ll never give up. How can you control feelings of liking someone? It’s not like there’s no possibility.”
From then on, I picked at the side dishes again. I no longer felt like talking much with hyung-nim. To do that, silently putting food in my mouth would be natural. Lastly, I added.
“They’re going to confess, and won’t give up until they’re rejected.”
Up until a moment ago, it had been a mix of Choi Jihwan’s and my story. And just now, those were Choi Jihwan’s words.
Unlike me, Choi Jihwan is brave. They’re constantly courting and said they’ll confess.
What about me?
I can’t confess. At least not now.
When I don’t even know how much time I have left. I still haven’t gained the confidence to handle the sadness of being rejected by hyung-nim.
But I can’t give up being next to hyung-nim.
Throwing tantrums asking for kisses, spending time together with hyung-nim like today.
These things are still being tolerated because they probably feel like the brazen whining of an immature younger sibling.
It might not be bad for me if hyung-nim keeps calling me ‘baby’ forever and insists only on playing the role of guardian.
If so, I should stick right next to hyung-nim like a baby, see hyung-nim’s smiling face, and eat the fish hyung-nim debones for me.
“Your friend’s story seems to have made quite an impression.”
I must have seemed strange for suddenly going quiet. Still, I couldn’t raise my head.
Watching me eat silently, hyung-nim continued his meal without saying much.
The tip of his chopsticks paused briefly, then moved quietly again.
It won’t be too late to confess after confirming how much time I have left. Until then, I decided to live as a spoiled brat just a little longer.
The precious memories built up over such a long time felt good but brought an equal amount of guilt.
The affection hyung-nim gave me while I was growing up was more than I could ever repay, even going forward.
And yet, I dare to harbor other desires toward hyung-nim.
***
The road was quiet.
When the window was rolled down halfway, the evening breeze slowly seeped into the car.
Hajin, whose eyelids had quickly dropped after getting in the car, was dozing quietly. His chin repeatedly dropped slowly then came back up.
How tired must he have been. Yoo Jeongwoo smiled and muttered to himself. The neat and pretty hair color, finally similar to the original shade, touched by the light and glowed softly.
Suddenly, the words he’d heard at the dinner table circled through his mind.
“If…… really if something big were to happen to me.”
He knew this wasn’t a child who would say such things for no reason. He knew exactly the source of the dissonance he’d been feeling since earlier.
“Such a little thing, what could there be to cause a change of heart.”
The child had been very thoughtful since he was much younger than now.
What was there to be so mindful of with such a small body and small head—it had been the most fascinating thing about Hajin since he’d watched him from long ago.
Though such words had suddenly popped out, Hajin, sleeping soundly, gave no answer as expected.
“Hyung-nim, sleep well. Today was really fun.”
“Okay.”
When they arrived home with half-closed eyes, Hajin bowed in greeting, then staggered into his room half-asleep.
Hajin had weak stamina. Even when he ran around with an excited face as if never getting tired, he’d become a robot on the verge of running out of battery in an instant. Right now was exactly one of those times.
After finishing his bedtime preparations, he turned off the living room lights but paused for a moment in front of Hajin’s door.
The breathing heard from inside was steady and peaceful.
He’d fallen asleep. After making that judgment, the following action had no hesitation.
He opened the door and entered the room.
Yoo Jeongwoo had no qualms about rationalizing his own actions, even normally.
He was eloquent, and in all matters a logical and rational person.
The majority of his actions were, after all, for Hajin’s sake. It meant surveillance by a guardian who had made appropriate judgments.
Thinking this too was a rational action with sufficient justification, he immediately passed Hajin’s bed. Then he opened the drawer under the desk, and there should be a familiar notebook there…….
It wasn’t there.
