“Yes! Of course I remember. But why do you ask?”
At the same time, a large piece of fish landed on top of my rice bowl. I got excited and scooped it up generously with rice, then hesitated.
“Because now I’m proud that you’re good at using chopsticks.”
It was because my conscience pricked me a little.
“……Right. But I can debone fish myself, I just didn’t touch it because hyung-nim deboned it for me.”
“That’s right, I’ve been deboning fish for Hajin since you were a baby, and you’ve only ever eaten what I gave you.”
“Yes, I just wanted to mention it just in case.”
It was a hasty addition, but it was neatly organized. Hyung-nim laughed watching me chew again, then asked quietly.
“How about stopping by home next weekend?”
“What?”
I opened my eyes wide at the sudden remark. The ‘home’ hyung-nim was talking about wasn’t the officetel, but our family home in Songnim-dong where we grew up.
“I think Imo and Uncle would want to see Hajin too. If this much time has passed, they must be waiting.”
Oh, really……
Now that I think about it, quite some time had passed since I’d seen Mom and Dad. I didn’t think Mom and Dad really felt the absence much. They sent me messages occasionally, and though I was often late replying because I was busy with assignments, I hadn’t heard any complaints yet.
Did my parents say something to hyung-nim? Or was it the consideration of family-oriented and caring hyung-nim who understands adults’ hearts well?
“You know, hyung-nim.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re the only person I can ask about this……”
Hyung-nim was silently waiting for my words. While I was choosing my words, hyung-nim’s eyebrow twitched, but there was no urging.
I was suddenly curious. No, actually I’d been curious all along. Every single day since I went to the hospital recently.
“If…… just if, something big happened to me.”
“……”
“Mom and Dad would be really heartbroken, right?”
I don’t know why. I glanced at hyung-nim and instantly dropped my gaze.
“What kind of big thing.”
In the brief moment our eyes met, hyung-nim’s gaze was sharper than ever.
His voice had also instantly sunk.
It was puzzling. Did he feel something strange about the sudden topic? At the atmosphere that was different from usual, I unknowingly lowered my eyes.
“What do you mean, a big thing?”
“No, it’s nothing much, just, like getting badly hurt, or having to be hospitalized, or going far away…… things like that.”
“How is that nothing much?”
Hyung-nim’s brow furrowed noticeably. I hurriedly waved my hands.
“I don’t mean it like that, so! I mean, for example.”
“It wouldn’t just be heartbreaking.”
I thought so too. Just thinking about it made me choke up. This was also the reason I decided to ignore everything for the time being.
More than anything, I had no confidence I could bear my loved ones suffering because of me.
“……What do you think you would feel, hyung-nim?”
Hyung-nim finally put down his chopsticks. As if he’d heard something unpleasant, hyung-nim’s eyes turned cold. Not just now, but hyung-nim’s attitude had been the same since right after I brought it up.
He was just holding back because he was in front of me, but I could clearly feel his cold displeasure.
“I don’t want to imagine such wasteful thoughts.”
“……”
“Why are you bringing this up?”
Hyung-nim’s voice lowered. I waved my hands in confusion. If hyung-nim started interrogating me, I had no confidence I could get away.
“We were eating well with your pretty new hair, why are you asking something like that, Hajin-ah.”
“I-it’s nothing much. Just, there’s a friend of a friend who’s not well…… After hearing that story, my heart hurt. I wondered what it would be like if it were my situation.”
Hyung-nim’s gaze didn’t withdraw easily. He kept staring at me intently.
It was a very sharp gaze, as if he would dig up everything about me.
“A friend of a friend?”
“Yes, really. You know…… that I’m weak to sad stories like this. So I kept thinking about it. Even though they’re not even a close friend.”
Hyung-nim opened his mouth while still staring at me.
“What do you think you would feel?”
“What?”
“If something like that happened to you, what kind of feelings would you have, and how would you deal with it?”
I thought, trapped helplessly under hyung-nim’s gaze.
If my eyes were suffering from a serious illness like I found on the internet, and so I might have to go through great hardship to live, what would I do?
“……I don’t know.”
I’d never thought about how I would react then.
Pessimism was my only shield.
Actually, nothing was decided. But I was already no different from someone who had accepted their death date in their heart.
I’d never been healthy since I was young, always getting scolded because of my eyes and having problems because I couldn’t hide my emotions.
I thought, these hateful eyes are causing trouble to the very end.
Only then could I accept that moment indifferently when it came later.
At first I cried because I was scared, but gradually as time passed I accepted it calmly, and I wanted to live without regrets anymore. To say what I want to say freely, to see the people I want to see more.
If I could just live like that a little, then face my fate, wouldn’t that be somewhat okay? I was living each day with that thought.
“Still worrying about others first and agonizing over it.”
Hyung-nim slowly reached out and stroked my head.
“But I think I’d be more okay than expected. The problem is my family……”
“Do you remember when Jeongyeon was hospitalized?”
“Uh…… The day he had appendix surgery?”
That was in elementary school. His complexion had been bad since morning, and suddenly he grabbed my pant leg saying his stomach hurt and rolled around. I cried hysterically next to him in a panic state.
When he was taken in an ambulance, it was what they commonly call a ruptured appendix, and after surgery he was discharged energetically.
But I, who had nothing to do with it at all, got sick for a whole week after that. The reason was absurdly ‘because I was too shocked.’ The whole process of Jeongyeon crying and rolling around during the day and being taken to the emergency room was too big a shock for me.
“I remember it vividly. Hyung-nim took care of me all night then.”
It happened to be the day when both Mom and Dad, who were university professors, went on an overseas business trip for an academic conference presentation. Because of that, I had to stay next to Jeongwoo hyung-nim the whole time I was sick.
According to hyung-nim’s description, the first two days my whole body was hot like fire, but I actually shivered as if I’d fallen naked into a snowfield because of chills.
“You came home crying and barely fell asleep, then had a fever from dawn.”
Imo and Uncle were next to Jeongyeon, so the only person who could carry me to the emergency room at 3 AM was Jeongwoo hyung-nim.
“It was the first time I saw a kid get sick because their friend had appendix surgery. How soft-hearted you are.”
Still vividly remembering being shocked then, hyung-nim stopped stroking my head and lightly pinched my cheek.
“Now that I think about it, you’ve been good at shocking people since then.”
“……You were very shocked because of me.”
“Do you think I was only shocked?”
Though it was from the very distant past, I felt somehow sheepish every time I heard about this.
Even after coming back from the emergency room, I would wake up and vomit, and cried because I missed Mom and Dad.
And Jeongwoo hyung-nim hugged me and wiped my burning body with a wet towel.
For three whole days, he didn’t go anywhere and stayed by my side.
So even without Mom and Dad, I recovered little by little. That memory that was both sorrowful and warm still remained vivid.
“It’s fortunate they couldn’t see you. They have such a hard time when you’re sick.”
“I think so too.”
In fact, after that incident, Mom took time off work for several years because of me. Perhaps she had a lump of guilt for not being able to be by my side, but I could empathize with hyung-nim’s thoughts too.
“Our baby, Mom and Dad are sorry. You were sick and we couldn’t even be with you……”
Because I heard Mom and Dad crying quietly while I pretended to sleep after they came back later. If Mom and Dad had been by my side while I was sick, they would have cried even more.
Parents must be beings who consider not being by their child’s side when they’re sick as a sin, and grieve while considering the sickness itself as their sin.
Me not knowing I’m sick versus knowing—which would be even slightly less painful for Mom and Dad?
I hope Mom won’t consider either as a sin. What should I do to make that happen—no matter how much I think about it, I don’t know.
“I hate that other people are sad because of me. Especially Mom and Dad……”
Now that I think about it, I was in 4th grade of elementary school then, so hyung-nim was a 22-year-old university student then.
At that time, hyung seemed as much like an adult as Mom and Dad to me, but now I was a university student at a similar age to what hyung-nim was then.
