“So does Hajin torment hyung like this now because you liked me more back then? Back then you cutely kissed me on the cheek, but now you’re making perverted demands to the person who raised you……”
Even while speaking, hyung kept letting out chuckles. No matter how much I thought about it, my request yesterday seemed absurd.
“You should add what you’re going to add. How is it that the first demand you throw at me is slyly asking for a kiss?”
“Kiss was already in the first list, I thought you would have expected it.”
“That was supposed to be done alone, and if we were doing it together, naturally I thought the added content would be within common sense. You make that kind of demand from the start?”
“I don’t know. It makes sense to my common sense. Maybe it’s because I grew up slyly.”
“I guess so. But hyung-nim didn’t grow up that way, so it won’t work.”
Wow.
I clearly had fairly won the opportunity yesterday. But it became like it never happened, and only the image I’d built up over 20 years was severely damaged. Considerable loss with no gain.
Hyung poured egg mixture into the oiled frying pan, and I started protesting next to the sizzling sound.
“Please kiss me, hyung-nim.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Honestly, it’s not difficult.”
“It is, extremely.”
“You made a contract with me.”
The only weapon I could thrust forward in protest was the promise with hyung last night.
“You said any content could be added to the list! Then shouldn’t you not back out like this?”
Hyung stopped skillfully making the rolled omelet and turned to look at me. Seeing me flinch, hyung said with a completely shameless face.
“Hajin-ah, on our side, we call that a slave contract.”
“Then if you won’t kiss, what about the other things? Won’t you do the other things together either?”
The amusement park date too? Playing games together too?
“Having lost trust now, it’s hard to accept.”
“Why? You can do the other things. Except for the kiss, there wasn’t anything weird on the list.”
“Well, who told you to make brazen demands from the start? You should have tested the waters first. Hajin shouldn’t go anywhere to negotiate.”
Everything became like cotton candy washed away by water. Power gradually entered my eyes.
“Hyung-nim, you’re a lawyer. How can a lawyer not know the weight of a contract? Yesterday that was also a contract……!”
“It’s not easy to prove that a pinky promise is a contract.”
That voice answering calmly sounded so hateful. Now that I look at it, he never had any intention of unconditionally accepting from the beginning. I blankly stared at hyung completing the rolled omelet and plating it, then just suddenly approached hyung closely. And I stood on tiptoe.
Smack.
My lips touched and separated from hyung’s cheek.
The air stopped for a moment.
Only the sizzling sound of eggs cooking spread through the house.
With eyes wide open, hyung froze like ice. Soon hyung slowly turned his head and stared at me.
It was an impulsive action. My heart pounded, surprised by my own action.
As I gulped down dry saliva, hyung slowly asked.
“What are you doing?”
“……S-since I got a promise yesterday, I’m trying to claim at least a little.”
At my words, hyung’s eyebrows rose. I bit my lip.
I’m scared hyung will scold me, but I want to do it one more time.
“This is really……”
Smack.
I quickly did it once more before hyung’s reprimand could fall. Because once was too tantalizing.
It was a kiss too short to even call a kiss, but even this kind of peck was okay in its own way. It had its own sweetness.
And whether I was getting used to this too, the more I did it, the less embarrassed I became. Should I do it just one more time for the last time?
It was the moment I tried to approach again.
“Lee Hajin.”
Hyung reacted faster than me. Hyung’s hand grabbed my shoulder and slowly but surely pushed me away. The broad palm created a firm distance while holding my shoulder.
Three syllables again.
Hyung drew a line again. Thick and dark. It was a form of address that crushed my surging courage. I lowered my gaze in case my eyes reddened.
“Even if the last time was a mistake, from the second time it’s the adult’s fault.”
“……”
“From now on, it’s my fault for not being able to stop you, Hajin-ah.”
But the voice that followed became gentle again. Hyung said while still holding my shoulder.
“What are you going to do if you really get someone you like?”
It was a soft and affectionate voice, but this time without any laughter.
“That’s what I’m worried about, hyung is. It could become a memory you want to erase.”
“……”
“When that time comes, don’t you think about how I’ll feel hurt?”
And my heart sank.
“What’s already happened can’t be undone.”
Hyung’s gaze was firm. Those eyes were so serious that it rather hurt my heart.
Because I couldn’t believe what hyung just said.
“Will you really feel hurt? If I get someone I like and regret kissing hyung-nim……”
“……”
“When you won’t feel hurt at all.”
I had no choice but to say that. That day won’t come, but somehow I wanted to hear hyung say it would be like that.
And as expected, hyung didn’t say what I hoped for.
With the face of a firm but warm guardian, he just quietly stared at me.
“I always say one thing. Don’t do things you can’t handle.”
“Hyung-nim doesn’t know whether I can handle it or not either.”
“That’s why I’m telling you to be careful since you don’t know the future. Originally people don’t know what will happen to their own future either. As an adult, it’s natural to worry that you might resent me in the future.”
“……”
“And I only found out yesterday how reckless you are.”
The gentle words strangely stung sharply. Hyung clearly had a smiling face, but it was like the blade hidden in the smile touched me.
“I can let it slide once, but not after this. Just thinking about getting involved in twenty-year-olds’ romance later is tiring.”
I couldn’t say anything for a while.
Perhaps I was going through a long adolescence and only now gradually learning how to stand as myself before hyung. Just now I talked back to hyung for the first time and acted as I pleased, yet I felt no guilt.
“Hyung’s not joking.”
But when hyung draws the line this much, I can’t do anything.
“……I understand. I’m sorry for being unreasonable.”
“Good.”
Finally satisfied, hyung stroked my head once instead of answering. The large hand moved more gently than usual. Like really comforting a young sibling.
“Good boy, Hajin.”
That touch was so warm, it rather made me more upset.
I turned my head. I couldn’t look at hyung’s face.
After eating the breakfast hyung prepared, I put on my backpack and headed to the entrance. Before opening the door, I briefly turned back.
“Have a good day. Listen well in class.”
Suddenly, hyung seeing me off felt too distant. Even though we’d actually gotten closer in the past few months. This must be the relationship hyung wants.
Like before, a relationship like guardian and ward.
He even said that if we kiss again, it would be hyung’s fault.
The image hyung wants of us and the image I hope for of us were this far apart. That thought suddenly pressed down on my chest.
I closed the door and stood for a while gripping the backpack strap.
My feet walking toward the elevator were too heavy. Even though I’d always known this fact, I don’t know why I’m so sad and why I resent hyung.
One-sided love really does make you hate someone who’s done nothing wrong. Even at this moment, I know hyung did nothing wrong.
He only treated me as a younger sibling. I’m the one being greedy alone, trying to cross the line and ultimately getting hurt.
Coming out of the officetel, the still cool spring breeze brushed my cheek. I turned around again and entered the elevator.
Hyung, who was about to enter his room holding a coffee cup, raised his head.
“Did you forget something?”
I quietly looked at hyung and said softly.
“I won’t let it be like it never happened.”
“……”
Hyung’s eyebrows slowly rose.
That kiss means so much to me. This had to be corrected. I can’t erase it as if it was nothing.
“I already marked the first list as complete and drew lines all over it. I won’t let it be like it never happened.”
“……”
“Hyung-nim has already gotten involved in twenty-year-olds’ romance. Because that was my first kiss.”
Hyung accepting my suddenly started mischief was only within the boundaries of not going against our original relationship.
The moment I try to step outside those boundaries, hyung tries to push me away.
But my greed was already growing more and more.
“Anyway, my first kiss is now forever hyung-nim’s. I can’t change that from now on.”
I thought I’d be happy just being by your side. I thought it would be good to remain forever in our original state.
But not anymore.
