Something suddenly came to mind, so I turned my phone back on and opened the diary app. This was an app I’d newly downloaded yesterday evening.
They say it’s good to write a bucket list before life’s final moment arrives.
Having become a bit bolder after becoming certain of my death, I could write the first item on the list without hesitation.
Bucket list of things I must do before I die
- Try kissing hyung-nim
Nothing else came to mind yet.
In my snotty-nosed childhood when I knew nothing, I’d casually asked hyung-nim to marry me. My greed had been gradually becoming more modest as I grew up.
If not marriage then at least dating, if not dating then at least sex, if not even that then at least a kiss.
Naturally, it was just greed and I thought it would be impossible to achieve, but recently I’d at least tried something like a kiss—a peck. There was no law saying I couldn’t kiss either.
Things had become a bit difficult since becoming awkward with hyung-nim after last time though…….
After briefly closing the memo app, I looked for hyung-nim’s number in my messages.
Yoo Jeongwoo hyung-nim
Hyung didn’t consider Hajin’s position enough. You must want to play to your heart’s content now that you’ve finally become an adult.
Have coffee with your friends and cheer up.^^
(Gift coupon)
Don’t drink it with Jiryeong or Jihyeon or whatever.
“Earthworm?”
I thought I knew hyung-nim well, but I tilted my head for a moment.
Was there still a side of hyung-nim I didn’t know? Looking at it, hyung-nim seemed to have a surprisingly childish side too.
I was quite angry at the time, so I didn’t even reply to hyung-nim’s message. Instead, I just pressed the ‘read’ icon firmly on the last message.
Of course, I also used the gift coupon with Choi Jihwan. Of course, this was less out of revenge against hyung-nim and more because Choi Jihwan was still my only comfortable friend…….
After our conversation at the front gate last time, I had been acting as if I was still angry at hyung-nim. But now I thought that my anger at hyung-nim that day was a kind of venting. That day I’d been having a pretty tough day because of the hospital.
But to think hyung-nim got fired from his company.
That’s why he ate breakfast at our house like someone with time to spare, and why we ran into each other the day I came home drunk.
To think hyung-nim, who had only walked a smooth path until now, got fired—I felt truly heavy-hearted. I’d even snapped at hyung-nim a few days ago on top of that…….
I really seemed to be immature. Hyung-nim was probably a bit disappointed in my immaturity over this incident.
“……Phew.”
Thinking that way, I couldn’t help but feel a bit gloomy.
Having only messed around during the entire lecture, time had already passed in a flash. Since it was today’s last class, I packed my bag to hurry home but was blocked by my classmates.
“Hajin-ah! You know there’s a general meeting today, right? It got postponed from last week so we decided to do it late today.”
“Ah, yeah. I saw the group chat earlier.”
March at university was truly a busy and vibrant month. There was some event every week, and even on days without events, there was definitely at least one departmental drinking session.
After becoming close with Choi Jihwan, I attended the first few times, but this week my mind was troubled so I hadn’t been attending. I could only guess that the general meeting would probably be an event to build friendship over drinks, like the freshman welcome party.
“Oh, I thought you didn’t know but that’s unexpected. Then you’re going too, right? All the classmates decided to go.”
“Hey, just outright say you’d like Hajin to come.”
“You shut up.”
I heard giggling sounds from here and there. The classmate who first spoke to me was Han Seoyoung. She was a girl who’d been called a candidate for class president since recently, and I only knew she was an alpha like Choi Jihwan.
“You kept saying you were busy last week, so I wondered if you could make it today. So are you going or not?”
“Uh……”
The gazes of at least five people were all directed at me. I could feel it was positive attention, but I wasn’t someone accustomed to this situation.
Choi Jihwan was among those waiting for my answer. He seemed to find this situation amusing and was smiling, then quietly opened his mouth.
“Let me guess. Hajin doesn’t know what a general meeting is.”
“What, really?”
The moment the class president’s eyes widened as if surprised, I could instinctively feel that this was the timing when I’d be teased. So I answered hurriedly.
“No, I know what it is. I’ll go too!”
“Ooooh.”
Everyone exclaimed in admiration, but somehow everyone seemed convinced that I didn’t know what a general meeting was.
There were drinking sessions every single day without fail, but I hadn’t attended them all. Maybe that’s why, without me knowing, the classmates had already become quite close with each other.
And yet they were trying to include me—university was truly a fascinating place.
After that, I headed to the department room with my classmates and casually asked Choi Jihwan.
“Hey, we’re going drinking today, right? That’s why everyone’s excited, right?”
“The general meeting isn’t like that, but there’s a dinner after so that’s why they’re excited.”
“Aha. I see.”
“The general meeting is just a formality where we pick the class president and student council members, and they tell us what major events are coming this semester.”
“Ahh.”
So that’s what it was.
It was the moment when everything finally made sense. I nodded with a serious face and quickly picked up my phone to type a message.
It was the family chat room with Mom, Dad, and me—three people total.
I’m drinking today so I’ll probably come home a bit late. Go to sleep first!
(Emoticon)
The last one was a bear emoticon hugging a big heart. After sending a few more similar emoticons, I put my phone in my pocket.
I’d been holed up in my room all week. I thought it might be better for shaking off sadness to drink, laugh, and chatter outside instead.
Whether it was true that when life is bitter, alcohol is sweet—today I felt like I could confirm it.
***
What did I do wrong?
No matter how much I thought about it, if there was any sin for me who’d lived as a model student, it was only that I fell in love with Jeongwoo hyung-nim. If that were a real charge, I would definitely be sentenced to death because I loved Jeongwoo hyung-nim so much.
Because I liked someone I shouldn’t dare covet, not knowing my place.
Since I masturbated thinking of hyung-nim from a young age, and recently even secretly molested a sleeping person, I was definitely, definitely not a good person. Certainly, the peck incident last time was the biggest sin among the wrongs I’d committed.
If I went to hell to be judged, wouldn’t the King of Hell ask me about that incident first?
But I felt wronged. If I was going to be punished for the crime of loving hyung-nim, since I was going to be punished anyway, I wanted to love properly at least.
The problem was I didn’t have the guts for that either. I’d never done anything rebellious in my life, and all I knew about sexual things was theory—there was no way I’d have such guts.
Actually, after realizing my one-sided love early on, my sexual curiosity grew tremendously. They say everyone is like that, but I was enough not to lose to anyone in comparison.
Just pecking Jeongwoo hyung-nim’s cheek made my heart pound and feel so good, so how good would it feel to kiss? Then what kind of feeling would sex be?
Actually, there was something else I wanted to write first on the bucket list. But in this life that probably didn’t have much time left, having sex with Jeongwoo hyung-nim seemed completely impossible, so I’d conscientiously backed down one step.
What sex felt like, especially sex between an alpha and omega, and in addition to that, what it would feel like if an alpha suppressed my pheromones. I would probably die without experiencing those things in my lifetime.
“Jihwan-ah, Jihwan-ah.”
“Hm? What, why are you laughing again?”
“Hehe.”
My head was complicated, but separately from that, I kept giggling since earlier.
After passing the second round and reaching the third round, only four or five people remained at the drinking session that had been bustling. Even among those, the rest had gone to smoke, so only Choi Jihwan and I remained at the table now.
“You are……”
This guy is pretty drunk too. To be swaying like this.
I blankly watched Choi Jihwan swaying in my vision, then slowly opened my mouth.
“You…… what’s the worst thing you’ve done while living badly until now? No, what’s the worst thing you’ve done in your life?”
Man, my tongue is getting twisted like this. Usually in cases like this, people tend to be misunderstood as drunk, so I quickly corrected my words properly to prevent Choi Jihwan’s misunderstanding.
“Well, I……”
“You don’t have much either, right?”
I ended up giggling. The reason I could ask him such a question was clear.
From what I’d seen from the side all this time, Choi Jihwan was a model student contrary to appearances. Just like me and Yoo Jeongyeon.
That made sense because both of Choi Jihwan’s parents were elementary school teachers. Having grown up in such an educator’s household, no matter that he was an alpha with a large build that looked threatening on the outside, his essence was a properly raised model student.
“I don’t have much, but probably more than you think.”
“Huh? What? Did you skip class?”
“No, I kissed a teacher inside the school.”
“……”
Huh?
My mouth fell open blankly.
