# Chapter 131
“So…”
“…”
“If you’re not going to give me permission, don’t hold me back.”
Tae Igyeol spoke calmly, but he looked as if he was crying. Soon, Mo Eunje’s wrist was released, and Tae Igyeol began packing again. Mo Eunje unconsciously took two steps back. His heart was breaking at the thought of losing Tae Igyeol forever.
He couldn’t lose Tae Igyeol, but he didn’t know how to proceed and couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t ignore Tae Igyeol’s desperate request not to hold him back. Because it wasn’t something he could give permission for. Even though he wanted to avoid this irreversible situation, he had been driven to the edge of a cliff with nowhere left to run.
Immersed in helplessness, Mo Eunje could only stand in a daze, watching Tae Igyeol pack. He hated not seeing Tae Igyeol, hated not being able to talk comfortably in the future, hated not being able to return to their previous relationship, and hated himself for ultimately not having the courage to push away such a pure and noble heart.
But what he hated most was that despite resenting Tae Igyeol, he couldn’t bring himself to dislike him at all. Truly, he didn’t dislike him one bit. Far from disliking him, he still liked him so much that it hurt, making his eyes sting.
Words mixed with resentment and blame lingered on the tip of his tongue, but he pressed his lips firmly shut, fearing that the moment he opened his mouth, all the unnecessary and inappropriate emotions he had been suppressing would pour out uncontrollably. As his vision, hot as if burned, grew increasingly blurry, Mo Eunje turned around and headed for the entrance.
In the midst of all this, he couldn’t let Tae Igyeol discover his feelings.
Tae Igyeol was Mo Eunje’s everyday life, his routine, his habit, his part. No, perhaps not just a part, but everything. That’s why he wasn’t someone who could be easily cut off like this.
But cruel and regrettable as it was, life doesn’t always flow in the direction we want.
&
A week had passed since Tae Igyeol left for New Orleans, and the date for the “Book of the Month” live broadcast was approaching. Manager Yoon Hyesu dropped Mo Eunje off at the front gate first, and Mo Eunje entered the second-floor studio in time for the standby call. Just as poet Jang Jiha had done last month, today’s guest, SF novelist Lee Choyoung, had already arrived.
In the photo on the band of Lee Choyoung’s new book “I’ll Wait for You on Earth,” she had short bobbed hair with a slight curl, but that must have been a pre-taken photo because now her wavy hair had grown to just barely touching her shoulders.
“Choyoung.”
Mo Eunje approached Lee Choyoung and casually tapped her shoulder with the back of his hand in greeting. Lee Choyoung, who had been sitting in the waiting chair reading the script, looked up at Mo Eunje with a bright smile and stood up.
“Oh? Eunje, you’re here? It’s been a while. But why do you look like someone who hasn’t eaten for days? And why are your eyes so red?”
“Ah, I haven’t been able to sleep properly lately…”
Mo Eunje hadn’t slept properly for a week since the day Tae Igyeol left for New Orleans. Even when he dozed off briefly, he kept having recurring nightmares of Tae Igyeol dying, causing him stress from sleep itself. Despite diligently taking care of his health and eating regularly—knowing that even trillions of won are useless if health is lost—he had lost 3kg in a week due to sleep deprivation. This was despite eating four meals a day to make up for the lack of sleep.
That’s how unbearable Tae Igyeol’s absence was for Mo Eunje, deteriorating his daily life. There was a vast difference between temporarily not seeing someone while avoiding them and having the relationship completely ended with no possibility of seeing them again even if desired.
How could someone who claimed to like him leave with such harsh words about never seeing each other again?
Then suddenly, he recalled the threat he had made to Tae Igyeol on the day he received the confession.
‘Don’t call me. Don’t hold me back, and don’t think about leaving. If you do… I really won’t see you anymore.’
He had just said those words without the slightest intention of actually never seeing Tae Igyeol again. But unlike him, he was consumed with fear that Tae Igyeol might genuinely intend to never see him again. It was terrifying.
He couldn’t understand why Tae Igyeol was so insistent on dating when the only real difference between friends and lovers was physical intimacy. He thought that if you truly liked someone, you would suppress your desires and try to stay by their side. Just as he had been doing all this time.
Once or twice a day, Ban Hajun or Gye Minho would contact him, but he hadn’t been able to meet them. Partly because he had no motivation to go out, feeling that everything was futile, but also because Ban Hajun was suddenly busy with various advertising shoots, and Gye Minho was struggling to balance frequent dates with daily serializations.
“Are my eyes very red?”
“Yeah. With your big eyes, you look just like a rabbit. It seems like you’re about to bleed from your eyes.”
“Ah… I shouldn’t look like this during the live broadcast.”
Manager Yoon Hyesu, who had been shocked when she first saw Mo Eunje, had disappeared to find horn-rimmed glasses that might hide his red eyes a bit, but she hadn’t returned yet. Still, since she was so capable at her job, Mo Eunje had faith that she would find something before the live broadcast began.
“But why can’t you sleep? Shouldn’t you be going to the emergency room instead of doing a live broadcast?”
“It’s not that serious. It’s just stress from the new work, that’s all. How do you manage to constantly release new works like you do?”
“I have so many stories I want to write. The problem is that I don’t have time to write them all. I’d like to ditch all external events and just hole up writing all day.”
Her voice noticeably lowered when speaking the latter part, as her agent was nearby. Seeing how she managed all her external schedules while publishing without a break, it seemed that not only her skills but also her physical and mental strength were quite remarkable.
“Choyoung. I’m really curious, do you actually have that many stories you want to write?”
“Don’t you? When I see a tree, I wonder what the human world looks like from the tree’s perspective, and even when talking with friends, I sometimes wonder if they might be aliens. Don’t you ever imagine things like erasing memories of yourself from people’s minds after getting drunk and creating embarrassing memories? There’s so much to write about just from stories that branch off like that.”
Lee Choyoung excelled at utilizing even trivial things that we would normally pass by as material. It was strange how she came up with such thoughts, but even stranger why she had them in the first place.
“You’re different because you’re an SF writer. When I see a tree, I just think it’s a tree. When I talk with friends, I don’t think about anything special. And when I get drunk and create embarrassing memories, resolving the hangover takes priority over erasing others’ memories.”
“Really? That’s so fascinating. I’m a fan of poet Jang Jiha, so I watched this broadcast last month. I liked it so much that I wanted to reach into my phone and pull out poet Jang Jiha. So I’m writing a medium-length piece about what happens when someone teleports using that method.”
“You’re writing another medium-length work in the midst of all this?”
“Yeah. Did you know that most Korean children’s stories deal with SF themes, and it’s almost impossible to write children’s stories without SF elements? That’s why I’m trying to challenge myself with children’s stories too.”
“…You were just born for this. What would you have done if you hadn’t become a novelist?”
While preparing his second short story collection, Mo Eunje had interviewed people from various occupations for research, and occasionally he would meet people who seemed to have found their true calling. Lee Choyoung was exactly that case. Not only did she love her work, but she was also good at it. Mo Eunje wondered how beautiful and happy the world must look to her.
“If I hadn’t become an SF novelist, I would’ve become a science fiction cartoonist? I graduated from an arts high school, you know.”
“…Regardless of the medium, your focus would have been on science. Then let me ask you one question. Answer from a scientific perspective.”
“What is it?”
“If there’s someone you love, but your parents don’t approve, what would you do?”
Mo Eunje thought he had asked quite seriously, but Lee Choyoung shrugged with a light laugh.
“I would scientifically prove why I fell in love with that person, and ask my parents to scientifically prove why they disapprove and convince me.”
“…”
“I’m kidding. Why are you looking at me like I’m out of my mind? How can you scientifically prove love? If my parents didn’t approve, I’d be sad, but what can I do? If I’m confident in my love, I’d fight with my parents until the end to get their permission, or if that really doesn’t work, at least protect my love.”
It was hard to tell if she was speaking so fluently because it wasn’t a real situation for her or if she was being sincere. Still, one thing was clear: Lee Choyoung could look at the situation that Mo Eunje found heavy and burdensome with clear confidence and simplicity.
“How can you be so confident that you would choose love?”
“My parents won’t live with me forever, but my love, whoever they may be, is someone I’ll spend my entire life with. Eunje, do you know what criteria I use when dating?”
“No? You even have criteria for that?”
“Of course. I can’t date just anyone.”
“What’s your criteria?”
“Someone who I feel would always be on my side no matter what happens. Someone who would take my side, not others’, no matter what the issue is.”
By that standard, from Mo Eunje’s perspective, no one compared to Tae Igyeol. Because no matter what happened, no matter what the issue was, Tae Igyeol had never taken anyone else’s side in 26 years and had consistently been on Mo Eunje’s side. And Mo Eunje too had always been on Tae Igyeol’s side until now. Suddenly, his heart fluttered as if he were getting motion sickness.
