# Chapter 115
As I came out of the bathroom wearing only a black brief, Ban Hajun was sprawled on the sofa, chuckling while watching a variety show. I looked away from his completely relaxed appearance and hung my freshly washed underwear on the drying rack standing to the side.
“What’s so funny?”
“Don’t know. It’s just funny. By the way, have you lost a lot of weight?”
“Everyone I’ve seen recently has been saying that. That my face looks gaunt.”
“When you’re suffering emotionally because of an ambiguous relationship that’s neither friendship nor romance, how could you not lose weight?”
“Say one more word.”
I approached the sofa and gripped the remote that was sitting quietly on the table, glaring at him.
“Hey, why are you suddenly about to use violence? If you hit my crown with that, my head will crack open.”
“It’s not my head, is it?”
“Look at you picking up only the bad habits after living with Tae Igyeol.”
“That’s why I said, say one more word.”
“I’m going to shower too. I’ve laid out some clothes here.”
Ban Hajun avoided me by circling around the sofa and quickly slipped into the bathroom as if escaping. I don’t understand why he brings up useless things when he won’t even get his money’s worth.
With a refreshed and clean body, I sat on the sofa and changed the channel. As I quickly flipped through the screens, I unconsciously stopped when I came across a movie from the series that Tae Igyeol often watched. Tae Igyeol had repeatedly watched all the movies in this series with people driving cars at crazy speeds, as if he never got tired of them.
“Ugh, what temperature did you set the air conditioner to?”
Feeling a chill, I checked the indoor temperature and it was 22 degrees. Earlier, I was sweating so much from eating spicy food that I hadn’t noticed the cold. I turned off the air conditioner and put on the t-shirt and sweatpants that Ban Hajun had laid out. There were two sets of achromatic clothes—tops and bottoms—but they all looked the same, so I just put on whatever.
“…”
While my eyes were blankly fixed on the TV screen, my complicated and tangled mind kept spinning without rest. No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t understand. Even at a young age, I knew that love with Tae Igyeol wasn’t possible, so I gave up and put away my feelings. How could he keep such inappropriate feelings for over 10 years and even confess? The more I mulled over the situation, the more my anger piled up.
It’s his freedom to maintain those feelings, but even if it seems harsh and cold, he shouldn’t have confessed. By confessing, he dragged me in too, which was selfish and inconsiderate.
But on the other hand, his tender and desperate emotions made me feel sorry and pitiful. Although it was only for a short time, I had experienced the same feelings first, so I knew how difficult it was to have such emotions. But Tae Igyeol had harbored those feelings for more than 10 years. How could that not be heartbreaking?
“Haah…”
For now, Tae Igyeol had only confessed. A confession is merely the act of letting someone know your feelings. He hadn’t made dangerous statements like suggesting a change in our relationship or asking to date. So I rationalized that there was still a chance to persuade him to give up.
However, given Tae Igyeol’s personality, the fact that he confessed feelings he’d held back for over 10 years meant there was no room for compromise. I was bewildered at how he could have such strong conviction and put his feelings first when people’s hearts can change dozens of times in a day. He had declared that his feelings weren’t the kind he could sort out just because he wanted to. As firm as Tae Igyeol’s resolve was, the faces of both our families repeatedly came to mind despite my attempts not to think about them, choking me.
Still, his courage was admirable. I was a coward who was only desperate to hide my feelings, but Tae Igyeol, even if it took him 10 years, at least managed to express them.
If we had been ordinary friends like with Ban Hajun, Gye Minho, or Cha Hyunwoo, I might have taken a chance and tried dating, even at the risk of potentially losing them. I might have gathered the courage to love freely and date, accepting that if things went wrong, we could break up and live without seeing each other, just like other couples. How could I not do it when I liked and loved him so much? Since we’d be dating anyway, I was fully inclined to set up a household together. But Tae Igyeol had too many connected acquaintances, and since all those people were like family to each other, if he and I became uncomfortable with each other, it would be difficult to maintain good relationships with those people as well.
Making the maximum concession, I briefly imagined what would happen if he and I dated secretly. But that doesn’t make sense either. I couldn’t risk deceiving the adults and plunge into a relationship that wouldn’t be eternal. Even setting aside the families, I didn’t want to step into anything that had even a slight possibility of losing Tae Igyeol.
So, conversely, I was hurt in multiple layers wondering why Tae Igyeol was willing to risk losing me for a love that couldn’t promise eternity, like a flower that blooms and withers in a season. I couldn’t understand what he was thinking when he confessed, or why he threw away the chance to turn back when I told him to contact me when his feelings were sorted out. It was really difficult to grasp his inner thoughts.
This isn’t even like we’re really going to date or anything…
“Huh? Did you turn off the air conditioner?”
“…”
“Hey, Mo Eunje.”
“…”
“Look at you. What are you thinking about that you don’t even hear when someone calls you?”
I was only pulled out of my deep contemplation when Ban Hajun, who had come out wearing only underwear, kicked my calf lightly.
“Huh? What?”
“I asked if you turned off the air conditioner.”
“I was cold. If you’re hot, turn it back on. But don’t set it too low. We’re going to sleep soon and might catch a cold.”
“You’re right. If it gets hot later, I’ll just turn it back on.”
Ban Hajun seemed to be exercising more diligently—he had shed excess fat and had visible abs, and his body had noticeably improved compared to before. Still, perhaps due to inherent physical differences, he couldn’t match Tae Igyeol’s ideal body with its finely woven, taut muscles.
“Looks like you’ve been working out hard lately?”
“It’s the same. The only consistent exercises I do are weight training and Pilates. Since the Pilates instructor changed, all my excess fat has disappeared. But now I might have to stop because the lesson fees are burdensome.”
“Take group classes.”
“I might have to. Hand me those clothes.”
I passed him the t-shirt and pants left on the sofa. Even among friends, it’s not unusual at all to be in underwear after a shower, but Tae Igyeol always made a fuss about it and made sure to wear a robe when he came out. But now, objectively thinking about it, I wondered if he had a reason for having to wear a robe. And there I was, oblivious, saying it was comfortable as I casually used his thigh as a pillow.
“I wasn’t in my right mind…”
“What?”
Ban Hajun questioned me as he slipped his arms into a short-sleeved t-shirt, apparently having heard my muttering.
“Nothing.”
I shook my head, pressed the power button on the remote, and got up. The sudden silence felt unfamiliar. Trying not to show it, I silently sighed and naturally stepped onto the stairs leading up to the loft. Ban Hajun’s bedroom was upstairs.
“Whoa!”
But halfway up the stairs, my neck was grabbed. Ban Hajun, who had followed me up immediately after putting on his clothes, stopped me from climbing further.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“It’s almost 4 AM, so we should sleep. Don’t suggest drinking more.”
I shook off the hand restraining my neck and turned to face him. Ban Hajun was frowning with a rather sour expression.
“Even though my bed is a double, isn’t it a bit odd for us to lie in it together?”
“What’s odd about it? My back hurts, so I can’t sleep anywhere but a bed.”
“No, that’s not it. I don’t let anyone sleep next to me unless they’re my partner. I don’t share my bed with friends.”
“Hey, that’s a stereotype too. Friends can sleep together. Since you’re already being generous, let me have the spot next to you too.”
“Haah… I really can’t kick him out either…”
When I made my shamelessly brazen request with complete nonchalance, Ban Hajun sighed in resignation. Then he patted my back with the back of his hand as if telling me to continue up.
“I thought most lofts required you to bend your head, but your ceiling height is really tall?”
“It’s just open inside, basically like a two-story house.”
Though I’d been to Ban Hajun’s place quite a few times, this was my first time coming up to his bedroom. The loft, furnished as a bedroom, was in a studio-type layout without a separate door.
After climbing all the stairs, Ban Hajun turned off the lights downstairs and turned on the mood light next to the bed.
“Which side should I sleep on?”
“The outer side. Even with the railing on the inner side, it’s better not to risk it for someone who’s not familiar.”
Ban Hajun got on the bed first and raised the safety guard on the inner side next to the railing before lying down. Only after lying on the bed did I realize that I had never shared a bed with any friend other than Tae Igyeol. It made sense, considering I had hardly ever spent the night away from home except at Tae Igyeol’s place.
“If you want to sleep with the lamp on, you can leave it on. I sleep well regardless of whether the lamp is on or off.”
“Oh, thanks. Sleep well.”
“You too.”
Tae Igyeol must have told him that I sleep better with some light. I was genuinely grateful for Ban Hajun’s consideration. On a day like today, if I had been exposed to darkness as well, it would have been quite stressful. Even though I hadn’t experienced anything traumatic enough to create trauma, I was afraid of pitch-black darkness where I couldn’t see an inch ahead. Even after getting used to that darkness over time, I was still afraid without light.
I lay straight, covered myself with a thin blanket up to my chest, and closed my eyes, but the fact that someone was lying next to me felt subtly uncomfortable and distracting. It was a strange sensation I had never experienced when lying down with Tae Igyeol.
