# Chapter 114
“Ah, this is so spicy I could curse. My tongue feels like it’s being torn apart. I’m eating this to relieve stress, but why does it feel like I’m getting more stressed?”
Even though his tongue felt numb from the burning sensation, Mo Eunje couldn’t stop using his chopsticks. The same was true for Ban Hajun, who was eating with him—both were sweating profusely and suffering while still spooning up the sauce from the chicken feet and tteokbokki. It paired well with sweet white wine, so they kept eating despite being full.
“Do you have something stressful going on?”
“I thought you said you wouldn’t ask anything.”
“No, it’s just that you said you were eating to relieve stress but it’s making you more stressed, so…”
Ban Hajun looked like he had a lot he wanted to say but was struggling to hold back. Even knowing this, Mo Eunje didn’t want to discuss the sensitive issue. It wasn’t right to talk about Tae Igyeol’s sincere feelings that way.
“Don’t try to test me when you already know everything. I really won’t let it slide.”
“…What do I know?”
“If you didn’t know anything, why did you call right when we were about to enter a motel? Hajun-ah, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want excessive attention.”
“Why do you always struggle alone whenever something happens? That’s not a good habit either.”
Because he knew Mo Eunje’s tendencies, Kwon Jiyeon and Gye Minho had also said they’d listen anytime if he’d just talk. Before that, Jang Jiha had said similar things, and even his father, Mo Yeongwoo, often said the same.
“What’s the point of talking when it won’t solve anything? Even pleasant conversations get boring if repeated too often, so who would want to spend their precious time listening to someone else’s troubles?”
“Of course, no one is so free that they’d make time to listen to others’ worries, but that’s what friends are for. When you’re having a hard time or feeling lost, you talk together to relieve some of that frustration.”
“I know two heads are better than one, but what I’m experiencing now isn’t a worry but a conflict, so talking about it wouldn’t mean anything.”
“What’s the difference? Worries and conflicts are the same thing.”
“They are similar. Worrying is what you do when you don’t know the answer, and conflict is what you experience when you know the answer but other feelings are too strong, making it difficult or awkward to act on it.”
Before Tae Igyeol’s confession, Mo Eunje had spent a long time avoiding and worrying about what to do, but now that he’d received the confession, he was clearly experiencing a time of conflict. In his mind, he had firmly concluded that he couldn’t form a relationship that would betray the adults, but his heart wanted to indulge in selfish desires, leaving him uncertain.
“So you know the answer, but because other feelings are strong, it’s awkward and difficult to act on it?”
“Why are you reconfirming? Are you going to tell someone?”
“Tell who? We’re on our second bottle of wine so my cognitive ability might be lower, so I’m just checking if I understood correctly.”
“That’s ridiculous. You drink soju and beer by the crate, how strong do you think this wine is?”
This is why he should be careful with his words. While showing off by explaining the difference between worries and conflicts, he’d gotten caught. As he was rapidly turning his brain to prepare excuses, fortunately or unfortunately, Ban Hajun changed the topic back to himself.
“Then is what I’m going through now also a conflict rather than a worry?”
“What is it?”
“I’ve done two shoots as an advertising model, and while I only get cursed at when acting, I received praise every minute that I’d never heard before.”
Tae Igyeol’s eye was accurate. He had said several times that Ban Hajun would do well if he focused on visual appeal rather than acting, such as being an advertising or image model where he wouldn’t have to open his mouth. When Mo Eunje had told him to tell Ban Hajun directly, Tae Igyeol had pretended not to hear.
“How did you feel about it? Your emotions, feelings, that sort of thing.”
“I felt good being praised. My self-esteem skyrocketed too. I was in a good mood even the next day and wanted to shoot again. It wasn’t about earning part-time money, but wanting to hear those compliments again.”
“Then isn’t that it? It seems like you don’t need to think about it so complicatedly or weigh options. If you feel good, that’s what matters.”
What you like and what you’re good at can be different. It’s a blessing if you’re good at what you like, but such cases are rare. Once, when Mo Eunje had sought advice about wanting to become a poet, his professor had said something similar. He said that often, if you continue doing what you like, you become good at it, and in most cases, if you continue doing what you’re good at, you come to like it. At the time, Mo Eunje had thought, “What kind of basic advice is this?” but now he could vaguely understand. He’d often seen the term ‘deok-eop-il-chi’ (hobby-job match) on social media, and realized that even this required good luck to achieve.
“But Mo Eunje, you said it yourself. If you keep holding onto a dream, the time will surely come for it to be realized.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then who?”
“Goethe said it.”
“Goethe? ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’? Hmm… I read that book but didn’t understand why young Werther was so sad. What’s the big deal about liking someone else’s wife and then committing suicide?”
Mo Eunje was struck speechless by Ban Hajun’s outlandish one-line summary. It was a representative work that had established Goethe’s reputation and had a tremendous influence on literature in other countries, and it was disappointing that Ban Hajun couldn’t appreciate its true value.
“Wow, what’s with that one-line review? It might not be your taste, but you shouldn’t make such biased judgments about literary works. There’s a reason it’s still considered essential reading.”
Despite his passionate argument, Ban Hajun shrugged lightly with an expression that seemed to say, “So what?” as if he couldn’t understand.
“I just get sleepy reading world literature and don’t understand why people read it.”
“When we took that liberal arts class together back in the day, the professor asked what book had impressed you most in your life, and you answered ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther,’ right?”
“At that time, the only book titles that came to mind were that one and ‘Demian.’ But Demian was difficult, so I still don’t know what it’s about. Anyway, I answered with the one whose plot I at least roughly knew, in case the professor asked what impressed me about it.”
“Did the professor ask you what impressed you about it back then? What did you answer?”
“I said I was impressed that Werther chose to end his life without betraying his ethics, even though he liked someone enough to dream of kissing them.”
They say words can differ like ‘ah’ and ‘uh,’ but a one-line review of the same work could be this different.
But it must be his mood that made it sound like pressure that he too should not betray ethics, even though their situations were different.
“Wow. You still remember that?”
“I sometimes get questions like that at auditions. Anyway, knowing that it was said by the person who wrote ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’ makes it lose all credibility. I don’t think the time will come for dreams to be realized even if you keep holding onto them. So I’m going to stop conflicting and take a break from acting for a while.”
It seems that trying out advertising modeling work was fun for him, and receiving compliments by the minute boosted his self-esteem, so he wanted to continue. Even if he said he’d take a break from acting for a while, no one would say anything, but it seemed Ban Hajun needed a plausible reason.
No, even if he didn’t take a break but completely gave up acting, no one would add their two cents. Ban Hajun’s parents would welcome it with open arms, and as discussed earlier, his friends would cheer and support him. This was Ban Hajun adopting a way of speaking to protect himself from hurting his own feelings.
“Sure. If you need a proper reason to change your dream, who cares about Goethe? Socrates, Aristotle, Hermann Hesse, Benjamin Franklin—no matter whose words you use, it’s reasonable to deny their credibility.”
“That’s a brutal hit.”
“I’ll support and cheer for you no matter what you do.”
They toasted and drank the last glass, draining every last drop from the wine bottle. Though it felt like he had lost his sense of taste, somehow the heavy mood that had weighed him down had recovered somewhat, perhaps from chatting while eating spicy food. After thoroughly mixing the flying fish roe rice balls with the chicken feet sauce and eating them, they cleared the table. After rinsing the containers for recycling under running water, Mo Eunje felt sticky all over.
“I need a shower. I sweated too much from the spiciness. Lend me some comfortable clothes to wear.”
“Yeah, I’ll put them on the sofa.”
He took a new toothbrush and underwear and went into the bathroom to shower. He considered washing his hair but decided it would be too bothersome to dry it, and since he was going to bed soon, he’d wash it tomorrow. He only hand-washed the underwear he had been wearing.
While drying his wet body with a towel, he thought it was a shame there was no body oil. At least it was mid-June and not winter; if it had been winter, his skin would have been dry and cracking. That’s why whenever he went somewhere during seasons other than summer, he carried travel-sized 10ml or 60ml body oil. Honestly, 9 out of 10 times, Tae Igyeol had packed it for him. Now he clearly understood why Tae Igyeol had always called him “a high-maintenance bastard.”
