22.
This is Cheon Jaerim. I’m contacting you because I have something to ask. Yes, Sunjo hyung hasn’t been eating meals or going out at all. Was he like that there too? More than that, he seems to have gotten a bit stupider than before… He just keeps saying strange things…….
What am I talking about? He’s just been talking in his sleep more. He’s always unable to keep track like someone drunk on sleep. Especially, he insists on staying up all night but ends up falling asleep in the end. Every time, he mumbles. Then suddenly wakes up and looks around. No, I don’t ask what dreams he’s having. I kind of have an idea already…… His eyes are always bloodshot and watching that isn’t very pleasant. A person needs to be healthy to recover from illness. He doesn’t live regularly and just tries to take medicine unconditionally…… Still, these days he does go outside and walk, but the problem is he drinks alcohol. I threw away all the medicine. I did it in a fit of anger too, so I’m contacting you.
…Hyung wants to hide the fact that he was hospitalized. That’s why I asked about the records issue. So, I think something a bit stronger than before would be okay. What he took before didn’t show any improvement either. But from what I’ve heard, that medicine…….
……You’re saying if you stop, it comes back again? Sensitive people would faint. Thank you. Yes, I’ll visit you soon.
***
I’m not being oversensitive. Other people might not be able to do such simple calculations for a moment, but for me, it’s an unacceptable thing. The 19 times table was as simple as counting one sheep before bed. Your eyes look strange. Your eyes look strange. Your eyes look strange…… Those words won’t leave my ears like a chant. A whirlpool keeps circling around me. Should I have asked the woman where and how I looked strange? Ah, no. I must have done something wrong, so she looked at me strangely and ran away.
As soon as I got home, I went into the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. This all happened because I didn’t take my medicine. I hurriedly got some water and went into the room. I’m as weak as someone who rolled down a downhill slope. I opened the drawer roughly. Thud, thud, thud—the miscellaneous items that fell scattered below my knees. I tore open the medicine and dumped it into my mouth. If I wait, I’ll get better. Just like how you forget all nightmares after a nap.
However, even after the long hand of the clock went around one and a half times, the whirlpool surrounding me spun even more vigorously. Formless fear overpowered me. The wood grain drawn on the floor turned into the countless gazes that had been glaring at me just before. Startled, I got up from the floor. I ran to the room with the bed and covered myself with the blanket. I curled up inside the darkened blanket. Where am I? Why am I alone? Did I take my medicine?
The sound of insects comes from outside the door. It’s the same evening scenery as yesterday, but it’s no longer the same place. That chirping sound is as chilling as a cackling devil’s laughter. Inside this blanket covering me is as terrible as a demon’s den. Where did it go wrong? The gazes of the people surrounding me cling to me like a game of tag. It seemed to take me back to that place where they were gathered like a swarm of ants. Did I drink too much? Or the medicine…….
I got up from my seat and brought the medicine packet. I tore open the packet I’d taken without thinking and examined the pills. It’s that medicine I’ve been taking for a long time. It can’t be because of this. An idiot who doesn’t know how to do even trivial things on his own was reflected in the window. Living buried in a mountain village alone like this, I might turn on the gas and burn to death. Who would hire an idiot like me? Even the office I go to with my resume will turn me away at the door.
I was transforming into an incompetent, utterly incompetent human being. I walked around wearing a skin that even young children would look at with distrust. Since when had I been degenerating? The sorrow I’d been suppressing since the market burst out. Tears formed round shapes and fell to the floor. Below the fallen round tears, the color of the wooden floor turned pale. I even missed the time I was hospitalized. Because back then, at least I wasn’t even aware that I was a deficient person.
They say when a person receives a big shock, something goes wrong in their head for a moment. Was the fact that Cheon Jaerim gave up on me a shock worth bearing this level of risk?
First, I want to get out of here. I didn’t want to stay in this small house for even a moment. I needed someone to pull me up, I needed comfort that I would be okay, but there was no one around. I didn’t want to be shut up in the room crying like a defeated person. I wanted to show that I was living well, defiantly.
A ‘kkeuheuheuk’ sound flows from my tightly closed teeth. My efforts vanished like bubbles. My throat opens and the crying spreads. As time passed, I blamed things other than myself. This is already the second time my hopes held in this house have collapsed. Forget purple dreams—even my blue hopes like the roof were torn to shreds. I shouldn’t have chosen a house that was falling apart in the first place.
Aaaaah! Unable to bear it, I screamed. Since I don’t have the courage to escape myself, I wished someone would help me escape from here. I hoped someone would come after hearing the loud cry I let out. But hope was just hope. The only person who could see and hear me was far away. He said he would give up on me. Veins stood out on my neck, and I screamed again. Aaaaaah! I feel the fishy taste of metal. Even if I scream at the top of my lungs, the one in pain was myself. Sweat drips down between my soaking wet hair. My face, which I’d washed without even wiping off the moisture, became damp again as if I’d washed it again.
I crawled on all fours like a turtle. I looked for the brick-colored phone. The path to get there was as slow as if it were a thousand-li journey.
Someone, please…….
Before I realized it, I was pressing Cheon Jaerim’s number. Only today did I learn that so much sweat could come from a human body. I recalled the words I used to recite like a spell at the hospital. I’m normal, normal, I’m normal, normal…… My hoarse throat makes wheezing sounds. It sounded like the sound a hungry snake makes when it flicks its tongue.
-Hello.
I hear a monotonous voice. I covered my mouth. I didn’t want to let the other person hear this sound. Heueuk, heueuk, heueu…… I wanted to speak, but only panting breaths leaked from my mouth.
-What’s wrong?
Classical music can be heard through the receiver. His figure comes to mind. Was he lying in a chair with his eyes closed, legs wrapped in bandages stretched out? As if someone like me was from long, long ago…….
“……He, heeu, come here, heuik, please, please come……”
-……
“Ple, heueu, please.”
-I said I’d stop, but what do I do when hyung does this? Wasn’t the house enough?
“Th, that’s not it, here, here heuik, keup! Sca, scary. I, I……”
I hear a sigh from the other end of the phone. I censored myself—’Am I a bothersome existence to Cheon Jaerim?’ The fact that he might not come unfolded darkly. If I tell him about the problem I have, his behavior will change. I hurriedly started speaking.
“Heueueuk, keu, I, I’m a li, little, heup… my head is getting strange, ge… heuheuk, peo, people… heueueu.”
-What about people?
Cheon Jaerim’s voice became sharp, but I didn’t notice the changed voice as I was busy confessing my situation.
“Stra, stran, heuik, looking at me stran, heuk, gely……”
-Did you go somewhere with a lot of people?
Cheon Jaerim’s voice rose and fell, and the foundation of the air changed. He seemed to have gotten up from his seat and was moving busily. I leaned toward the idea that Cheon Jaerim would come to me.
“Nothing, heueu… heup! I can’t, can’t do, eueup, anything……”
I heard a beeping mechanical sound from the other end of the receiver.
“Will, will you, heueu, will you come?”
-You called me to come.
“Sca, sca, ryyyyyy……”
-Don’t hang up and talk about anything until I get there. Tell me what happened when I get there.
“Oka, okay, heueueuk……”
-Did you cry a lot?
“No……”
I rubbed my face roughly. My cheeks sting. I’m becoming more of a mess. Before Cheon Jaerim came to me and lost all affection, I had to pull myself together. If even he turned away from me and turned his back, I might live miserably in a place like a deserted island. Thinking that, blood rushed backward and my body jumped from the floor.
“N, no, th, that won’t do.”
-What won’t do?
I put down the receiver as if throwing it. When I opened the door, a cool night breeze rushed in. Cheon Jaerim’s voice boomed from the receiver touching the floor, but that was for later. I ran into the bathroom and took off my clothes. The short-sleeved shirt and underwear soaked with sweat stuck to my body and wouldn’t come off.
I gave up taking them off and turned on the cold water. Standing under the showerhead, a strong stream of water hit and passed over me as if I were under a waterfall in midwinter. After being hit by water for a while, my lips started trembling. Just when I was getting used to it, water hit another part of me, making my body shake. I can’t get used to this cold. I rubbed my stinging face and struggled to take off my wet clothes.
About five minutes must have passed. I roughly dried my body with a towel and came out. I took out a thin blanket from the closet and wrapped it around my body. Cold water dripped from my hair, wetting the shoulders covered by the blanket. While shivering, I realized that strange talking sounds were echoing through the room. I heard Cheon Jaerim’s voice from the receiver that had fallen. I remembered that I’d thrown a fit alone without even hanging up the phone. Wrapped in the blanket, I picked up the receiver with my pale hands. As if the other party noticed my presence, they immediately raised their voice.
-Fuck, are you out of your mind?
Behind Cheon Jaerim’s voice, I hear honking sounds. The steering wheel is turned roughly, and Cheon Jaerim’s raw breathing comes through completely.
“Do, don’t say, say such, things……”
-Why does your voice keep trembling, really…….
When I spoke as if complaining, Cheon Jaerim caught his breath. Then he continued speaking in a gentle voice. I’m not trembling because I want to. It’s not even midsummer, and I showered in ice-cold water, so I had no choice but to tremble. The arm that had escaped from the blanket was cold enough to be chilly.
-I’m sorry for the bad words. What did you go do?
“Shower……”
-Ah, you showered… Good job. Dry your hair well. It’s colder there.
Cheon Jaerim seemed to have thought of something grand. When Cheon Jaerim finished speaking, I put down the receiver again. This time I put it down carefully. I found the hair dryer among the scattered miscellaneous items. It’s a small hair dryer about two spans long. I’ve rarely used this to dry my hair, but since Cheon Jaerim told me to wait while drying it, I have to be drying it. As if possessed, I connected the electric cord.
-…Hyung?
The faintly audible voice on the phone was buried in the loudly spinning wind sound. I held the inlet of the hair dryer spinning like a pinwheel to my scalp and shook it wildly. The water droplets that had been wetting the blanket also slowly dried. When I squeezed my hair with my fist a few times, it feels crispy. I picked up the phone again.
-Did you dry your hair right after hearing me?
Good boy. Cheon Jaerim said as if humming.
A deep light comes over the door. That light entered my field of vision through the gap in the blue gate. Cheon Jaerim’s voice still came through the receiver, and I was giving answers that weren’t quite answers. Seeing Cheon Jaerim’s car that had arrived, I became distracted. Cheon Jaerim, who had rushed over here, felt like a hero from a movie I’d watched with him before.
The call ended, and I heard the sound of the gate opening. The car’s headlights were brightly lit. It was like a lamp illuminating me trembling in fear. However, the bright lights made it impossible to properly see whether Cheon Jaerim was approaching. I had to gauge whether he was getting closer only by the sound of footsteps. I sat with my back flat against the wall. I wanted him to quickly open the door, come in, and shower me with words of comfort. However, even after waiting a long time, he stood still outside and didn’t come in, taking his time.
“Why aren’t you coming in……”
“……”
“Hu, hurry……”
Is it not Cheon Jaerim? Did he send someone else because it was bothersome? But the car sounds I heard throughout Cheon Jaerim’s call with me were definitely sounds coming this way.
“Hyung has to open it for me.”
“…Huh?”
“I won’t go in until hyung opens it.”
That wasn’t a difficult task. I threw open the round doorknob. The white door opens outward. Right in front, Cheon Jaerim was standing like a totem pole. I wiped away my tears and greeted Cheon Jaerim. The corners of my eyes droop down. Cheon Jaerim, who took off his shoes, closed the door and entered the room. I grabbed Cheon Jaerim’s arm and whimpered like a country dog that lost its mother.
“Why are you so cold? You said you showered.”
“…Heueu……”
“I should turn on the boiler.”
Cheon Jaerim turned on the boiler and took me to the adjacent room with the bed. My body, lifted with the blanket, was trembling intermittently. Cheon Jaerim constantly kneaded my cold body like loosening knotted muscles. Laid down on the soft bed, I went back into the thick blanket.
“What, what do I do now? I’m suddenly so, so scared… keung, like a fool, I’m just, getting strange……”
“Think about one thing at a time, one thing at a time.”
“One thing at a time?”
“Don’t worry about everything all at once.”
“Keuheung, heup……”
When Cheon Jaerim stayed by my side like a knight, the whirlpool that had been pounding quiets down. I told Cheon Jaerim all the things that happened today (even the trivial things) in detail. While talking, I sometimes mumbled incomprehensibly and sniffled disgustingly. Cheon Jaerim hugged me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. It was suffocating. The large bed was very spacious due to us clinging together.
“Everything’s okay now.”
“……”
“Hyung opened the door for me.”
The way for a butterfly caught in a spider’s web to survive is to hold its breath and stay still. The more it twists its body to escape, the more the tough spider web will choke it. Was it my mistake to struggle and escape?
Cheon Jaerim realized for the first time that cheap shampoo smell could be this sweet. Was this the feeling of Adam who took out his rib to make his Eve? Like them, without a single thread on, that critical moment when he stretched both arms toward me will be unforgettable forever and ever.
Cheon Jaerim looked down at his pitiful lover, the only one in the world, and deleted the now useless 11 digits from his phone. When the sun rises, I’m going to throw away all those garbage-like medicines too. When you wake up, everything will be back to normal. Cheon Jaerim, who whispered sweetly like an angel in the sleeping ear, thought the contact was later than expected and warmed the lukewarm body with his own body temperature.
