20.
The fact of being alone is felt deep in one’s bones when surrounded by people. Especially in places like school trips where you need a lunchbox, or hospitals where you need someone to care for you. That was true for me, but it wasn’t much different for Cheon Jaerim either. Cheon Jaerim and I used single-patient hospital rooms that were right next to each other, and because they were so close together, we could clearly hear the sounds of doors opening and closing. The timing of Cheon Jaerim’s hospital room door opening was exactly the same as mine. After the doctors and nurses who came for examinations left, the door to the room next door would open right after. That’s why whenever we passed by people in multi-patient rooms surrounded by friends and relatives, we stuck together like twins.
I spent most of my daytime hours with Cheon Jaerim, but for the amount of time we spent together, we barely exchanged a word. That was thanks to me, who usually didn’t talk, and Cheon Jaerim, who kept his mouth shut. As time passed, the limping while walking also decreased considerably. Looking at my noticeably improved ankle, the doctor said I could have the cast removed. The moment I heard those words, I almost levitated from where I sat like Icarus with wings. The problem was Cheon Jaerim—because Cheon Jaerim’s arm had a fracture, he said it needed twice as much time for treatment. The doctor added that because that arm and shoulder were the same spot that had been hit by the bowling ball before, they needed to be more careful with recovery.
I remembered the back view of him trembling with his shoulders shaking, lying face down on the dark floor. Being so focused on my own safety, I had completely forgotten about the person who caused all this.
“What happened to him?”
“……”
As if it wasn’t a pleasant topic, Cheon Jaerim wanted to talk about something else. His answer was simple. Casually flipping through a borrowed comic book, I think he said something like, “He dug his own grave.”
The next day, the police who came after the case was closed put Cheon Jaerim in a bad mood.
“The perpetrator’s information is overwhelmingly excessive.”
The police stumbled over the words of Cheon Jaerim, who was much younger. The gist was this: Anyway, even if not everyone, the people who were in the building were too scared to come out and look, and after feeling the situation gradually escalating, they belatedly called the police. (It seemed like Cheon Jaerim was the one who called the ambulance.)
I understood the residents who wouldn’t even open their door no matter how much I screamed like crazy. Studio apartments are places where people live alone, so isn’t it terrifying if something happens? Cheon Jaerim had come home early that day, and when I didn’t come home until early evening, he left the house to look for me. However, when my phone broke and the GPS signal was lost, he found me through the cell tower using a lost phone report and location tracking.
It seemed like Kang Jueon was going to receive proper punishment this time.
“What’s amazing is that there’s a life that can get even more ruined from there.”
After the police left, Cheon Jaerim stacked packs filled with strange liquid neatly in the refrigerator.
“What’s that?”
“Snail extract.”
“…Snail?”
“It’s good for ankles.”
“……”
“If you eat it consistently.”
“……”
Cheon Jaerim seemed to think I was still trembling in fear because of Kang Jueon, since I was horrified by the words “snail essence.” He said, ‘Don’t worry. He won’t be able to act up again, will he?’ while filling the refrigerator again. His tone carried strong conviction. As if he had donned a judge’s robe and delivered a verdict, pounding the gavel.
***
The guilt Cheon Jaerim felt toward me stayed and remained by my side for a long time. As my body improved, Cheon Jaerim stayed in the hospital room with a face that couldn’t even get a spoonful of porridge. I could feel it lately. He had definitely become haggard.
Today was the same. Cheon Jaerim, sitting in front of me with a tired face, seemed to have something to say. The pockets of the cardigan he wore were noticeably bulky. Watching Cheon Jaerim chewing his lips anxiously, I thought that what he was about to say might be something important. After stalling for a long time, Cheon Jaerim blurted out something difficult to understand.
“A person who has something to protect is weak.”
“……”
“I’d never felt weak in my entire life… but now I know what that is.”
“……”
“So from now on, I won’t be able to beat hyung.”
“What are you trying to say?”
The area under Cheon Jaerim’s plump eyes seemed to turn slightly red. I looked away from beneath those eyes. My heart started pounding. It was because I anticipated what those words might mean. Cheon Jaerim takes something out from the pocket of his large cardigan. It was a small key, like a toy key. The part you hold with your fingers was covered with blue plastic. It took me a moment to realize that what Cheon Jaerim was holding in his hand was a house key. Cheon Jaerim clenched and unclenched the key several times, then trapped it in his own hand.
“That house hyung bought before. I paid the balance. I won’t visit and I won’t bother you.”
“……”
“I want hyung not to be in pain.”
‘I want hyung not to be in pain.’
It’s a familiar phrase.
After I returned from the hospital, Cheon Jaerim used to say he wanted me not to be in pain—the first time I heard those words was in the car, and the second time was when I took medicine twice in one meal, breaking Cheon Jaerim’s rule. So this is the third time. These words, spoken only three times, pierced me like a thorn. If the first time meant I would try not to be in pain, and the second time was asking to try together, then this time…
I began to infer the correlation between the key Cheon Jaerim offered and the words telling me not to be in pain.
“Even I think this is a shameless thing to say. But they say you only understand after experiencing it. If you’re next to me, I feel like hyung will keep getting hurt.”
“……”
“When I think about you being in pain, my heart just stings.”
Cheon Jaerim was frowning like someone whose heart truly ached. He said he would let me go for ‘my’ sake, not his own. There’s only one reason why you feel the same pain when you see someone else in pain. Such things come from very deep emotions. What am I supposed to do about it now? I have no intention of questioning those feelings, and that burden is Cheon Jaerim’s to bear.
This time Cheon Jaerim put his hand into another pocket. The bulky pocket became slim again once Cheon Jaerim’s hand came out. Cheon Jaerim held out what he took from his pocket in front of me. A bundle of rolled-up paper. It was my medication that had been recovered. The pills hidden in the opaque paper showed off their colors, waiting for me to take them.
“I got a new prescription, the same ones.”
“……”
I’d caught both rabbits, so to speak. The key in my left hand, the medication in my right. When I obtained both of these simultaneously, my heart swelled. I felt like a child holding delicious things in both hands, wondering which to eat first.
The impact of the time I spent with Cheon Jaerim made a huge mark on my life. I will never be able to forget that trace. Thinking that I could finally return to the ordinary life I wanted, I couldn’t stop the corners of my mouth from rising. I forced my twitching mouth into a straight line with all my strength. Having received an unexpected confession, I had no choice but to reconsider and weigh the situation, but there was no time. I didn’t know when Cheon Jaerim’s heart might change. First, I forcibly stuffed the key and medication into a small pocket inside the bag I had placed at my feet. Cheon Jaerim’s gaze followed the back of my hand zipping up the bag. It was my house and my medication to begin with. The ridiculous guardian role was something Cheon Jaerim had done on his own. I pushed the zipped black bag between my feet. Cheon Jaerim didn’t say anything until I finished all my actions.
Suspicion slowly began to rise. I wondered if this was another scheme to mess with me. But Cheon Jaerim was sincere. His will was visible in his tightly closed lips, and beneath his eyes was still red.
“When should I go?”
“Why are you asking for permission?”
“……”
Right. Why was I trying to ask for permission? I just walk out on my own two feet whenever I want.
Moreover, today is my discharge day.
I thought if there was a final moment with Cheon Jaerim, it would be either me dying or him dying—one of the two. It was that extreme. We weren’t family, we weren’t friends, and we certainly weren’t lovers. That’s why it was all the more anticlimactic. There was no dramatic ending like you’d see in any movie, and like pedestrians walking on the street, we headed our separate ways.
I held the black bag to my chest and left the hospital. Cheon Jaerim only came out to the front of the hospital room and waved at me. I kept looking back until I left the hospital. Cheon Jaerim didn’t follow. As soon as I left the hospital, I got in a taxi.
I need to stay at the house with the yard for a few days to pack my things. My ankle throbbed the entire way home. For several days, when I opened my eyes, I was alone. If I stayed in this house, I couldn’t erase the feeling of being connected to him. So on some random day, I left the house. I watered the flowerpots on the terrace and packed a few bottles of the alcohol I’d been looking for in the cupboard. I didn’t even glance at the secret, cozy attic. I felt like if I opened the door and went in, naked Cheon Jaerim would be sitting on the windowsill waiting for me.
I withdrew the meager amount of money I had saved and came back to square one. Unlike when I first visited, I’m in a very sparse state. By the time I stopped by the local hospital that the hospital had referred me to, the day was drawing to a close. The old bus still rattled around carrying people. I headed home carrying the luggage I’d brought from outside. The house in the remote location had changed since I last saw it. Instead of the stones and small pebbles that kicked at my feet with every step, fine soil was laid down. At the end of the soft dirt path was a neat gate. The old green gate was painted sky blue like the key handle. I took out the key, fit it into the hole, and turned it. There was no creepy squeaking sound it used to make when opening and closing.
Following the season, the surrounding nature was covered in green foliage. The background of green foliage and the house harmoniously blended like watercolor paints. The house in my memory was almost falling apart. The shabby door like a wicker gate had been replaced with a door with a sturdy wooden frame, and the roof that seemed like it would leak rainwater when it rained was filled with blue tiles to match the gate. The warehouse that had been full of flying dust had regained its original function, with a black pot lid sitting there like a household deity.
When I opened the solid wooden door, the cramped room of barely one pyeong was neatly decorated. The walls that had been covered with black stains were papered with pure white wallpaper, and as a result, there was no musty smell. The wardrobe that had been the only piece of furniture was removed, and there was a white closet. Next to it was a new door connecting to another room, and when I opened that door, a large bed was positioned facing forward. The hassle of having to open the door and go out to get to another room was eliminated.
I felt dismayed looking at the completely transformed house. Normally, if a house had been renovated like this without much effort, it would have been a good thing, but I was the opposite. Cheon Jaerim was selfish to the end. If he really planned to let me go, he shouldn’t have shown this kindness. He made it so his touch was on every part of the place, then brought me back to the space he created. It’s an inappropriate space to forget Cheon Jaerim and start anew. The cleaning supplies I’d bought to do a deep clean felt shabby. If I had a little courage left, could I have thrown all these away and left to find another place? But I didn’t want to do that anymore.
