Sudden fatigue washed over him. Pressing firmly on his eyes, Seonwoo leaned his body against the wooden railing and quietly looked at the ceiling where spider webs were tangled messily.
The village in the morning was quiet. It was because most people were out working in the fields. That’s why Seonwoo had chosen this place as the meeting spot with Yeongyeom. Because it was an open place suitable for meeting someone he was reluctant to bring into his own house.
“Why did you come?”
At Seonwoo’s calm question, Yeongyeom let out a light sigh.
“Because I thought you might be dead.”
“I think the time for you to worry about that has passed.”
The hesitant demeanor had a sense of disparity from what he’d said so sharply the night before. Seonwoo let out a heavy breath and straightened his body. The warm wind brushed his neck. Only the occasional sounds of cultivators and car wheels rolling replaced the silence.
“Really. I came because I was worried about you.”
“Were you expecting me to do the same thing as you?”
“That’s…!”
“That’s what? That you really crawled all the way to this countryside because you were worried about me? Seo Yeongyeom. You were just scared I might talk about the reason I retired in a fit of anger, or make an article about why I stopped working. Should I do that for you even now? Should I say I’ve been hiding because I was scared that an actor who was receiving sponsorship from me threatened to die right in front of me?”
It wasn’t sponsorship, and it wasn’t a threat to die. However, from a raw perspective, it was somewhat accurate.
The more Seonwoo’s words continued, the paler Yeongyeom’s face became. At that face, Seonwoo chuckled. He hadn’t expected anything, but it was as if the answer sheet had already been shoved in front of his face.
“Seonwoo-ya.”
“……”
“But we loved each other.”
At the word “love” that came lightly from Yeongyeom’s mouth, Seonwoo burst into laughter.
“You chose fame and popularity instead of that measly love. Being by my side was to catch directors’ eyes even once. And you call that love? Seo Yeongyeom, you’re crazy. You put that word in your mouth? Are you insane?”
“I had no choice back then! You know what the world’s eyes are like!”
“I know. I know too well. I knew, so I pulled out first. I stayed quiet.”
The shock of betrayal bred fear. Even the eyes of the public, whom he believed would love Ki Seonwoo completely, felt strange anew. Afraid they too might turn away. Seonwoo was afraid of receiving such looks.
That’s why his eyes kept going to Yoonjo. That smile like sunshine that seemed like it would accept whatever Seonwoo did flickered before his eyes.
‘So trust me. Hyung, you’re a really amazing person.’
It was a firmness that seemed like it would hold onto Seonwoo who constantly swayed and fluttered. Seonwoo slowly savored Yoonjo’s words. The heart that was about to murmur instantly settled down calmly.
“We ended at the point when you chose something other than me. You said it too. Let’s stop here.”
At Seonwoo’s calm words, Yeongyeom’s face crumpled completely.
“Then why are you suddenly doing things you never did….”
“……”
“I came because you suddenly disappeared. In case you died in this backwater that doesn’t know you.”
“You must be disappointed. That I’m alive and well.”
“That’s not what I meant! Ki Seonwoo, you really until the end…!”
Even at the scream-like sound, Seonwoo showed no particular reaction. He just looked like someone half-closing his eyes, waiting for when this tedious battle would end.
At Seonwoo’s faint reaction, Yeongyeom recalled the young man he’d seen last night who had a similar height to himself. A man whose face looked young, between boy and adult.
“So you’re seducing that brat whose head still smells of milk?”
“…Who are you talking about?”
“That kid who blocked me like a guard dog.”
“Yoonjo…?”
A guard dog…. It seemed right, so Seonwoo nodded his head and leaned his arm on the railing. He could hear a rough engine sound in the distance. It was about time for people to finish their morning work and return. At the very front would be Yoonjo driving a cultivator. Thinking that, Seonwoo turned his eyes toward the roadside.
“He’s a kid who lives here. I happen to see him often here…. That’s all. I don’t know why I have to explain this one by one, but anyway.”
“Then let’s go up together. Instead of staying here like this.”
“Is that all you came down for? To confirm my survival and tell me to go up together.”
It was a voice without even a speck of emotion. As time passed, Seonwoo was getting tired. This purposeless war of attrition wasn’t suited to his disposition. Nevertheless, the reason he didn’t easily get angry was only out of duty for the warmth he’d received from him long ago.
“I’ll say it again…. Our relationship ended back then. Yeongyeom-ah, you….”
Listening to the gradually approaching engine sound, Seonwoo said like a sigh.
“You were originally talented. So let’s stop.”
“…Seonwoo-ya.”
“……”
“After breaking up with me…. Were you okay?”
If it had been Seonwoo from just a month ago, he would have said he wasn’t okay, that he spent every day with his eyes open, couldn’t sleep properly, and forced his eyes shut by taking sleeping pills up to a lethal dose.
How could he breathe normally? At one time, it was a person who had blinded him under the name of love, and it was a memory of sharing the freshness of twenty years old. Nevertheless, he could now understand that it was time to fold it away, cover it up, and throw it away.
Seonwoo looked at Yeongyeom’s pale face, then lightly clenched and unclenched his fist. A stuffy wind blew and the sound of noisy chatter became a bit clearer. The clear voice that could be heard occasionally pierced painfully into his ears.
Yeongyeom, who had approached closely before he knew it, firmly held Seonwoo’s hand with both hands and brought it to his forehead as if praying.
“I wasn’t okay. Not okay at all. You should have at least cursed at me. Then I could have thrown you away while cursing you.”
Yeongyeom’s voice, which flowed out as if about to cry, trembled. Seonwoo brought his hand to Yeongyeom’s bowed hair, then barely pulled it away.
“…Back then.”
“……”
“When I watched you acting in that small theater company, I believed you could rise higher and shine more brilliantly. I just, it felt like if the path opened up a little, it would work. Because you sparkled so much. In the end, the fact that you heard you were backed by a sponsor…. Was my fault.”
“……”
“That’s why I couldn’t say anything that day. When I let go of acting and turned to scenarios, I thought that was a better method.”
Smiling bitterly, Seonwoo slowly pushed Yeongyeom away. They were within reaching distance, but neither Seonwoo nor Yeongyeom easily reached each other.
“Even though I realized that wasn’t it either…. You climbed up to that position. You built up steadily without needing to give up what you wanted.”
“……”
“Yeongyeom-ah.”
“…Yeah.”
Seonwoo had drawn this conversation in his head countless times. The moment of properly facing each other and talking, continuously, endlessly. He had every year, repeating it every moment. But what burst out at each of those moments was an empty cry.
Every time he had to swallow words he couldn’t quite spit out, Seonwoo was consumed by terrible nightmares and wandered through a muddled mind. Like someone who had dug their grave in advance, he curled up his body in a narrow, dark room.
“We ended long ago. You know it too. You chose something other than me, and I couldn’t protect you. That’s our ending.”
“……”
“You live your life well. Whether it’s acting, dating, building fame, whatever. It’s been too long now to discuss our feelings or my guilt.”
Seonwoo, who stood up pressing the floor, went to stand at the edge of the pavilion. Behind him was Yeongyeom still tightly clasping both hands together.
“We were both vessels that only went this far.”
Seonwoo and Yeongyeom each had their own sorrows that they could never understand about each other for a lifetime. Trapped in that sorrow, they didn’t properly see each other. Perhaps it would be grief they could never empathize with, and would never empathize with.
“Don’t try to confirm it every moment by blaming me. I’m going to let go now. No, I’ll try to let go.”
Having said that, Seonwoo came down from the pavilion. It was such an easy thing, but he’d suffered because he hadn’t done it properly all this time. He had a bitter taste.
At the same time as coming down from the pavilion and putting on his shoes, a bright voice cut through the air along with a noisy engine sound from not far away. The clean laughter that was always welcome seeped into the edge of his vision.
“Hyung! I picked watermelon today! Let’s eat watermelon!”
It was Ji Yoonjo.
***
Sitting in front of the corner store located not far from the village, Yoonjo bit the stick of a finished ice cream in his teeth and shook it. Right next to him, an old fan was rattling away, spewing out hot air. Sticky sweat flowed down the back of his neck. Yoonjo slightly stretched his collar and shook it this way and that, then crunched on the stick.
‘But I’ll definitely go back to Seoul with you.’
He’d heard it just when he was excited about picking a plump, solid watermelon to eat with Seonwoo. Right after passing the village entrance.
“I think he said Seo Yeongyeom….”
It was a familiarity that felt like he’d vaguely seen him somewhere. Yoonjo looked at the road beyond the widely spread parasol. Perhaps because the sunlight was bright, he could see heat waves here and there. As he lay sprawled out and wiggled his feet in slippers, the sound of dirt and sand scraping continuously could be heard.
At the sound of cicadas and the strong sunlight that seemed to pour in beyond the parasol, Yoonjo closed his eyes. Continuously shaking the wooden stick with the tip of his teeth, he turned over his body and took out his phone. His shirt rode up a bit and the platform heated with warmth stuck to his stomach.
Even though he only typed two characters, Seoyeon, related search terms appeared in a row. Name Seo Yeongyeom. Age 28. Height 181cm. Recent work is….
