# Chapter 64
Jiman and Greed.
Two words that didn’t seem to match pierced my ears. It wasn’t unreasonable for him to think that way. I could guess how Devan’s actions must have appeared in Jiman’s eyes. From his past behavior of hiding me away where no one could find me, to now approaching me so casually again. All of these were actions Jiman couldn’t even begin to imagine. He might have felt hurt watching me treat Devan so warmly.
Jiman quietly observed my constantly changing expressions. He then took my outstretched hand in his and spoke awkwardly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you look like that…”
“No. I’m the one who’s sorry.”
An endless wellspring of guilt toward him bubbled up inside me. I had only thought it was inevitable that Jiman disliked Devan, but I hadn’t considered he might be feeling this way. This person who had fallen to the lowest depths for me. Who had willingly suffered alongside me. He too had the right to selfishly insist on something he wanted. Not just sacrificing everything for me.
“I agree.”
“Pardon?”
“I want you to do what you want. From now on.”
“Everything up until now has been what I wanted to do.”
Despite his calm response, I persisted in expressing my sincere feelings.
“I want you to be more greedy. Like you said.”
I could see the drawer containing his notebook in the distance. I remembered the old paper filled with various dried herbs. The effort of Jiman’s that had seeped into those layers, the voice with which he had happily spoken of his dreams.
He hadn’t been greedy not just with me, but with anything. I wanted Jiman to become a more selfish person for his own happiness.
“You need to be more like that. I know it was your choice to care for me… but that can’t be all you want.”
“Are you telling me to do everything I want?”
“Yes. If there’s anything I can do to help… I’ll do whatever I can…”
Though I spoke confidently, he merely smiled. Seeing his inscrutable smile, I naturally trailed off. This wasn’t the reaction I had expected. Jiman seemed both pleased and somehow sad. His eyes persistently gazed at me, gradually building something that I couldn’t quite recognize.
“Ludin.”
“Yes?”
He moved even closer to me. I anxiously watched him, not knowing what he might say. Jiman clenched his fist several times as if suppressing himself, but finally couldn’t hold back and spoke. A low voice escaped from his hesitant lips.
“Do you know what I’ve been thinking when I look at you…”
His body leaned more and more toward me.
“And what I’ve been holding back?”
Like someone entranced, Jiman stared at me endlessly. Unaware that his body continued to fall toward me, leaving only a tiny space between us. Jiman’s hands gripped my chair tightly, but they seemed ready to touch me at any moment. I held my breath and looked back and forth between his eyes. His hot breath touched my face, making the atmosphere increasingly strange.
“You probably will never know.”
He whispered. His lowered gaze moved to my lips.
“J-Jiman…”
I felt my limit. The distance was too close, and the breath I’d been holding was filling up to my chin.
“I can’t… breathe…”
“Ah.”
He finally seemed to become aware of our proximity and let out a short sigh. I squeezed my hand through the narrow gap and tapped his chest. Jiman, with round surprised eyes, hurriedly backed away.
“I’m sorry.”
His face turned bright red. Mine probably looked the same, but I was too busy exhaling my held breath to worry about that. He blankly stared at me breathing roughly as he continued to step backward.
Only when his back finally hit the solid wall was I able to calm my breathing. An awkward silence descended. Jiman still stood stiffly with a surprised expression. As I opened my mouth to break the strange atmosphere, the door suddenly burst open.
“Ludin. Are you in there?”
Wimu entered with his casual question. He peeked his head in, then walked into the room while Jiman and I remained madly awkward, unable to say a word to each other.
Only when seeing Wimu’s face did Jiman seem to regain his senses. He stuttered urgently and rushed toward the door.
“I-I’ll go to the infirmary now. Rio…”
Wimu gave him a strange look as he walked away in a manner that anyone would find suspicious. Conscious of his gaze, Jiman disappeared from sight in an instant without even finishing his sentence.
“Yes! Take… care!”
Flustered alongside him, I greeted him foolishly, making Wimu look even more perplexed. With the sound of the door slamming shut, Wimu’s unavoidable question fell.
“What’s going on? Did something happen between you two?”
“Huh? Nothing happened…”
I turned my head while speaking lamely. I wasn’t sure if my face had returned to normal after turning so red. Seeing me avoiding his gaze, Wimu asked more persistently.
“Are you feeling unwell?”
“I’m fine.”
This time genuinely concerned, Wimu took another step toward me. He caught me as I gradually backed away and turned me to face him.
“Look at me.”
“…”
“Are you really okay?”
Only then could I properly see his face. Wimu looked so sincerely worried that I felt a bit guilty. But I couldn’t possibly tell him truthfully about what had just happened, so I tried to maintain a calm face while reassuring him.
“Yes. Don’t worry.”
Still, Wimu’s anxiety wouldn’t easily subside as he checked my temperature several times to see if there was something wrong with my body. I obediently let him examine my condition while asking.
“But what brings you here? If it’s about the Maran country map, I sent it through Devan yesterday. If you’re here to ask about the parts marked in blue…”
“I know. The entry route markings.”
“Then why…”
Wimu, who had been checking the temperature with one hand on my forehead and one on his, smiled brightly.
“I came to ask if you want to take a walk together.”
“You want to have a meeting while walking?”
This time he laughed out loud. I looked at him, confused.
“No. Just walk. Normally.”
“Just walk?”
I was momentarily speechless. There was nothing strange about what he said, but somehow it felt odd. This had never happened before. Actually, it wasn’t just with Wimu. I had never gone for a stroll with the people who protected me here without being driven by circumstances or desperate feelings. I’d never had such a calm meeting where someone came casually to invite me out like a friend. Feeling awkward, I hesitantly replied.
“…Okay.”
Wimu smiled comfortably, seeming to sense my feelings. Thinking this was truly a strange day in many ways, I followed him out the door.
* * *
Wimu and I really did go for a walk. He asked me about Rio’s well-being, and I hoped everything was going well. I excitedly described how cute the child had been, worried about tomorrow’s meeting with Luan, and we slowly continued our walk.
“The weather is nice.”
“It is.”
There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. The sun, hanging ambiguously at the horizon, shed drowsy light as it gradually sank lower. The sound of leaves rustling in the gentle breeze rang like bell sounds. I lifted my head and took a deep breath.
“The air was better at the temple.”
Wimu stared at me as I muttered.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
He stopped walking and examined me carefully. As I waited nervously for his answer, Wimu said cheerfully with a smile.
“You’ve really changed a lot.”
I lost my words and stopped alongside him. My mind went blank for a moment. There was a fact I hadn’t told him yet, and wasn’t sure if I could ever tell him. How would Wimu react if he knew I wasn’t the real Ludin? Would he get angry and hate me for deceiving him all this time, or…
“Aren’t you going to ask how you’ve changed?”
He asked with a slightly puzzled expression. I hurriedly managed my expression and grumbled.
“I already know. My body’s weaker, and I’m not even a prince anymore. In short, I’ve become a nobody.”
I said it just to cover up, but there wasn’t a single thing that wasn’t true. I felt a bit down. The Ludin that Wimu knew was truly an amazing person. The reason he had tried to believe in Ludin was because he knew how righteous and intelligent Ludin had been in the past.
In reality, my current self was very far from Ludin’s perfect image. I had made endless mistakes and hurt many people. Although I had saved Wimu and Kadilen’s lives, it wasn’t due to my wisdom. Even when Ludin was banished to the temple, he was still a prince, but I didn’t belong to any status now.
“Don’t say that.”
But Wimu gently shook his head.
“When I saw you shining, I thought I wanted to be your friend.”
“…”
“And when I look at you now…”
He was silent for a moment. I set aside my worries and looked at him. Wimu’s eyebrows settled evenly.
“I don’t want to be friends.”
“…Why?”
“Just. That’s how I feel.”
I seemed to understand what his words meant. My mind naturally recalled an unforgettable memory.
‘Is this friendship?’
The wet voice, and the irregular rhythm felt from my hand on his chest.
Wimu spoke in the same voice as then.
“At first, I thought I cared for you because you who had always seemed so great suddenly looked precarious.”
“…”
“But after realizing I could lose you… I understood what was different.”
He gazed at me again.
“It was my feelings that were different.”
A brief silence fell. While the soft sound of the wind filled the empty space between him and me, I struggled to organize my dizzy thoughts. I wasn’t unaware of Wimu’s feelings, I clearly knew, but even so, I couldn’t easily speak in this moment.
“How could that happen? You were the same person all along.”
I couldn’t answer. Saying that I wasn’t the same, that the person receiving his changed feelings was someone else wouldn’t change anything. Wimu was my friend. A truly precious friend. I wished for us to be together, but I didn’t share the same feelings as him. I bowed my head like a sinner, hesitating and unable to choose an answer. But as if trying to quiet my confused mind, he whispered in an infinitely gentle tone.
“Even so, this is what I think now. Whatever kind of feelings I have, I won’t leave you.”
“…”
“You can leave me, leave this place if you want. But either way, I intend to watch over you until the end.”
