# Chapter 57
He didn’t fit perfectly with the midday sun. Even amidst the pouring sunlight, he kept his darkness heavy within him. The shadow that stretched out against the vivid light soaked his feet. His black garment flowed down beneath the chair, looking just like black ink overflowing.
“Have you been well?”
I couldn’t think of anything to say besides this formal question. Despite seeing me awkwardly breaking the silence, Devan maintained his expressionless face. Like someone so completely distracted by me that he had no time to form an expression.
“With you gone…”
After a long time, he finally opened his mouth.
“How could I be well.”
His sentence trembled at the end. Devan lowered his head, followed by a bitter smile. I lost words and stood watching him gather his emotions. He raised his large hand and quietly brushed his face. Deep fatigue was evident along his darkened eyes.
“Still, you should have been happy, Ludin.”
Devan murmured as if soothing me. He turned his gaze back to me, standing silently. Too many emotions passed between us. It was no longer difficult to look at him. Not because bright sunlight was nearby. Because he already looked too small for me to be afraid of. He was exhausted from his endlessly continuing sorrow.
Rather, it was he who feared me. Every time he faced me, a momentary vitality flashed in Devan’s eyes, but it was soon followed by even greater guilt. His suffering was nakedly exposed, making the surrounding air heavy.
“Devan. You can be happy too.”
He tried to look at me, but his eyes just briefly brushed past my chest area. It hurt my heart to know that he was afraid to look at me.
“Really. Let’s stop resenting each other. You came to help me even now. I was afraid to even ask you for help, but you came right away.”
“…”
“That’s enough.”
I approached him little by little. Devan was staring only at the floor. His hands resting on his knees tensed up. I gently covered the back of his hand, which had begun to tremble slightly. The hot back of his hand, rippled with protruding veins, carefully touched my palm.
“Help me just once more. This time, I’ll be honest with you. Without hurting either of us.”
I bent my waist to meet his eyes. Devan remained silent as he saw me approaching him. His hand was still hot, and his dark eyes were frighteningly dark. But I could clearly read that gaze. It wasn’t that of a beast that had been wounded, writhing in pain, and raising its claws. It was an eye containing repentance for past days after gathering its embers, and even greater affection than that.
Devan’s hand gently moved to grab my wrist. Following the softly sliding fingers, my pulse beat violently.
“You’re foolishly kind, Ludin.”
“Me? Have you already forgotten how I deceived you?”
“If someday you regret showing me mercy…”
He lowered his gaze and looked at his hand tracing my veins. His mouth, which had been closed for a moment, opened again with difficulty.
“Hate me again whenever you want. And then decide. Whether to keep me by your side and slowly strangle me, or make me disappear from your sight forever.”
His fingers that had been moving along my wrist stopped. He froze as if I might threaten his neck at any moment. I deliberately placed my hand on his shoulder.
“That won’t happen.”
“…”
“I’ll never regret it. I’ve already been through that sickening experience.”
Hearing my firm words, Devan was silent for a while, then soon wrapped his arm around mine. Led by his strong pulling force, our bodies pressed together. I silently let myself be embraced by him. The warm hand caressing my back was trembling faintly.
I thought about it as I lost Rio. If everything truly originated from me, what I needed to do wasn’t to fall into distress. Until I disappeared from here, it was about restoring what I had ruined back to its original state. Did I really want Devan to live a lifetime in unhappiness? Never. Even when he drove me, drove himself, and blinded his eyes, I pitied him. After all, it was a hell I had created. If I left this place harboring resentment toward him, both Devan and I would inevitably become unhappy. We had fallen into the abyss together, so we had to rise together again.
“I’m afraid of losing you.”
Devan whispered quietly. Anxiety permeated the touch pressing gently on my back. The day I first met him after returning to the palace, Devan held me repeatedly just like now. At that time, I was looking out the window, captivated by the desire to quickly leave along the path led by the familiar darkness. Catching my tilting body, Devan endlessly held my shoulders, checking my complete breath several times.
But now it was different. He wasn’t losing me. He was just realizing that he had to let me go.
“You should have kept being harsh to me.”
“…”
“You should have stopped when it was just a one-night game. Then, like this…”
The hand that had been stroking my shoulder blade gently settled on my head. Devan continued in a low voice as he tousled my hair.
“I wouldn’t have felt like I’d go crazy if I didn’t hold onto you.”
His words weren’t wrong. Even before I met him, Devan had known Ludin. They clearly had a casual relationship then. Ludin didn’t love him, and Devan accepted that fact without complaint. It all began because I reappeared and showed weakness to Devan, he embraced me in that state, and I gave him affection too. If I had coldly rejected him, or if he hadn’t discovered the wounds covering my body, he might not have become so obsessed with me. At least, if I hadn’t used him for my own greed, we might have remained in a different relationship than now.
But I was tired of all those countless “ifs” that could never come true. Above all, without his care and help, I would have had to return facing an even more miserable end. I spoke soothingly to Devan, who was firmly embracing my head.
“Don’t be afraid. There’s something you don’t know.”
“A new secret?”
“Yes. It might sound strange, but… actually, I’m not dying.”
The movement of his hand that had been heating my hair suddenly stopped. Devan separated me from his embrace and examined my face. A weak smile escaped me as he seemed to be suspecting whether my mind had gone strange again.
“It’s true. I’m just going back to where I originally was.”
“Where’s that?”
“Where the real me is.”
He frowned. I wanted to explain more, but it wasn’t easy. If I said this place was just a novel, many things would become awkward, and even I didn’t know how this had happened. Devan, who had been staring at me silently, spoke as if exhaling a sigh.
“This is difficult.”
“I’m just staying here temporarily.”
I knew it would sound like a riddle, but there was no other way to explain it. Even if he thought it was crazy talk, there was something I really wanted to convey. To Devan, who was staring at me with an expression of incomprehension, I finally spoke what I most wanted to say.
“So when the time comes, you can let me go.”
He adjusted his posture.
“Let you go?”
“Yes.”
“And you want to go back?”
I hesitated and then slowly nodded. Devan squinted his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. Only after a long silence did he speak again.
“What’s the reason you can’t stay long?”
“That’s…”
This was even more difficult to convey. It wasn’t because it was hard to admit my own wrongdoing. It was just that my throat choked up at the thought of a child whose life was in danger because of my presence. I was the only one who knew what ending had changed because I was here. I was also the one who had not only failed to take responsibility for the lives that had changed because of it but had also tangled everything up. After saving Rio and wiping away the wounds from all relationships, there was no reason for me to remain here. Not a single reason why I should live here came easily to mind, except for a greed I had long ago.
I looked into Devan’s eyes, waiting for an answer. While thinking that even the despair lodged in them was created by me.
“I’ve made a mess of everything.”
“…What?”
He was silent for a moment. I could see a new emotion appearing on his face, which was marked with fatigue. Uncomfortable with the awkward silence, I raised my body, which was still leaning toward him. But Devan immediately grabbed my arm. With his gentle pull, my body tilted back toward him.
“Say that again.”
“…I know there are people who care for me. I know they don’t want my death. But you all don’t know how much their lives have changed because of me. That’s why you can love me. The same goes for you too. Let alone now, even Rio…”
“Ludin.”
Devan called my name as if frustrated and squeezed my arm once more. I twisted my body at the suddenly increased grip, but he looked at me without budging. But the next moment, I heard someone entering the room as the large stone door smoothly opened.
Both Devan and I turned our heads at once.
Kadilen, who was approaching with calm footsteps, lowered his eyes and looked at my arm that Devan was holding. I hurriedly tried to pull my arm away, but Devan pulled me more toward him as if to show off. Kadilen’s cool eyes narrowed, and then his cold voice dropped.
“Let him go.”
