# Chapter 47
“Why are you here…”
The locked voice leaked through his cracked lips. Sunlight penetrating through the small window illuminated slowly drifting dust. While Kadilen’s surprised gaze was fixed on me, I looked at his damaged face. His dark complexion and excessively loose sleeves spoke of his declining health.
“Are you hiding here by any chance?”
The doctors who seemed somewhat hurried, and Kadilen standing alone in an unfitting space. It wasn’t difficult to guess the situation. He awkwardly avoided my gaze and spoke as if making an excuse.
“They worry excessively, so I’ve just temporarily hidden myself.”
“That’s what doctors do. Go out and get examined.”
I grabbed the doorknob while speaking coldly, but footsteps approaching closely cast a shadow over my head. Kadilen urgently pressed against the door and pressed close to me.
“Didn’t you hear the sound of a door closing just now?”
“It must be the wind. Hurry up and listen to this.”
The doctors’ conversation could be heard through the thin door. My hair tickled his chin, and two heartbeats overlapped from our touching chests. When I opened my mouth as my held breath suddenly burst out, Kadilen reflexively raised his hand. His large hand lightly covered my mouth. Hot breaths escaped urgently between his fingers.
My view was blocked by his neck, and I couldn’t see ahead. Unlike my loosely untangled mind, my breathing became rapid as if I had run far. Eventually, as the surroundings quieted down, Kadilen, who had been watching through the door crack, discovered me on the verge of suffocation. Various emotions tangled in his downcast eyes. He hastily backed away.
An awkward silence flowed. Everything seemed to stop, not even the slightest movement. Even the dust flowing along the thin beam of light stood perfectly still. I recalled his cool hand that had touched my lips. I recalled the vibration that wasn’t mine, felt from my chest that had been heaving to an increasingly faster rhythm. A strange emotion filled my heart like fog. It sat heavily, laden with moisture. I felt like crying.
“…Kadilen.”
There was no time for courtesy. At his name, which I uttered unconsciously, Kadilen looked at me awkwardly. There was something I needed to confirm with him. Something was strange.
“What… is this?”
Like drowning, an alien emotion was flooding my lungs like a tide. My mind became increasingly confused by the intensely crashing emotions.
“Answer me.”
I approached him. I raised my head and stared directly into Kadilen’s eyes. I tried to find the answer by examining the jet-black shining circles countless times.
“Is this my emotion, or your emotion?”
“I don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Don’t lie. I just can’t understand what this is…”
It was an emotion difficult to name. It warmed the chest hotly but then became a needle that wounded, powerlessly crying like a bleeding beast but igniting again at a small spark. I knew the closest name for this. If it hadn’t been so wet, if I hadn’t been suffocating with piercing repentance, I would have called it that without a doubt.
“Look at me. What exactly are you doing?”
I approached him even more closely as he turned his gaze away as if troubled. The more the distance shortened, the more intense the unknown emotion became. Once again, our breaths met and flowed irregularly. A hot sigh touched my eyelids. I felt like crying at the surging emotion, but I gritted my teeth and endured it. Finally, Kadilen met my eyes as if declaring surrender. As if succumbing to my questioning, or like someone who couldn’t bear not looking at me.
“It couldn’t possibly remain with you.”
A calm voice echoed softly.
“…So it must be mine.”
He moved very slowly. It took an unbelievably long time for his cold hand with visible veins to split the air and carefully reach my cheek. Distinct pain passed through him.
“It all transferred to me.”
His slow touch moved down my cheek and reached my neck. A chill ran down my back from the low warmth at his fingertips. There was no longer an awkward avoidance of gaze. Kadilen focused all his attention on looking at me. It was a gaze that was newfound as if facing something never seen before in life, yet also fearful as if examining an old wound.
“After seeing those who died with this heart, in the end…”
“…”
“Because of you, I’ve come to know.”
I was at a loss for words. His emotion was so intense that I couldn’t discern my own feelings. Every word coming from Kadilen’s mouth completely filled the surrounding air. With each breath I took, the emotion gradually intensified, making it impossible to think of anything else. He spoke the sentence with sincerity.
“I thought it was painful because I learned it from you, but even that was something to be grateful for.”
Tears eventually leaked out. Not because I was sad. They were tears flowing regardless of my will, overwhelmed by the wave of emotion. Then he should have been crying too. For these tears were not mine.
But Kadilen quietly smiled. And with a heavy silence, his body suddenly collapsed powerlessly.
“Kadilen!”
I screamed his name as I caught his body falling towards me. Only after shouting frantically several more times in confusion did the storage door open roughly. I handed him over to the doctors rushing in and stood up staggering. I followed the people running for emergency treatment in a daze.
Something strange was happening.
* * *
I spent the night by his bedside. The doctors, unable to identify the king’s illness, anxiously kept watch. I saw Jiman, who had come after hearing the news, discussing various matters with people. Questions were also directed at me, but I wasn’t much help.
Jiman first ensured secrecy. He cautioned everyone to prevent news of the king’s health from leaking outside the ward and left a message only for Wimu. He said it would take a full day for him to arrive here as he was handling business somewhat far from the palace. Surrounded by doctors seriously checking his condition, Kadilen lay unconscious with a face as pale as a corpse.
“I will inform you when he wakes up. The night is deep.”
“It’s fine.”
Jiman looked worriedly at me as I sat in a daze. My eyes were stiff with fatigue, but I wasn’t sleepy. There were too many things to think about, and I didn’t know where to start. It was like trying to untangle a knotted thread but not being able to find the starting point. I blankly stared at the hopelessly tangled thread, just waiting for Kadilen to wake up. At least to have a chance to question him.
“Do you still care for His Majesty?”
“…”
I was at a loss for words at the sudden question. It’s true that I was frightened when he collapsed. But it’s also true that I had made up my mind to leave him someday. Even with him sick before me, if someone gave me a perfect opportunity to escape right now, there would be no reason not to grab it.
“I don’t know.”
It was all a mystery.
“Should I? If Kadilen…”
If he loves me. If he has truly come to love me, what should I do? What would I want to do? As I extended my words with prolonged contemplation, Jiman quietly answered.
“Don’t do it.”
I looked at him in surprise. While I hesitated and watched Kadilen’s closed eyes, he had been staring at me. His straight gaze was directed at me without wavering. Jiman still whispered gently with a kind and calm face.
“Don’t do it, Ludin.”
At his calm request, my precariously standing heart completely collapsed. Jiman repeatedly comforted me with the same words. He said he wanted my happiness, so please don’t care for Kadilen. His delicate voice deeply caressed my tired heart. Looking at Jiman, who had always been the only sanctuary for me, I steeled my resolve.
Kadilen had changed. And for some reason, I had become able to feel it. If so, from now on, the future of him and me would be determined by the choices I make. But I no longer wished for a future to remain for me. Not because I resented him, but because I didn’t desire any future at all. Somewhat impulsively, with a somewhat unburdened heart, I spoke the words I had been hesitating to say to Jiman.
“Let’s run away.”
While I talked about Wimu’s proposal, Jiman just listened quietly to my words. He didn’t press me, nor did he make new suggestions. And after all explanations were over, he smiled kindly as always.
“Alright.”
Knowing exactly what that meant, he simply nodded and said he would stay with me. Without any further comment, he held my hand. A person who wished for my happiness even more than I did for myself. Thus, he willingly gave up his only desire.
