Kadilen’s Disciple 48

# Chapter 48

In the empty room, I was watching Kadilen in the hospital room where only a muffled silence had settled. He lay with his eyes closed, saying nothing. I sat with my chin rested on my hand, watching him sleep. This was the first time I could look at Kadilen without any interference. I always had to look at him through something in between. Sometimes it was the medium of written words, sometimes an unbelievable event, sometimes a desperate wish.

Kadilen sleeping was literally just Kadilen. Just Kadilen, without any need to add any other background. A frightening stillness erased everything in the space. Nothing could be heard or seen. Except for him.

Unconsciously, I reached out my hand. With just a slight gap between us, I traced his face. My hand moved slowly along his firm forehead, straight nose bridge, and lips pressed in a straight line. It was close enough that I could touch him if I extended my hand just a little more, but I carefully maintained the gap. With each passing moment, memories rushed in. The moment when his quietly closed eyes looked at me with hatred, the moment when angry cries came from his closed lips, and finally, the moment when he spoke of affection to me with those same eyes and lips.

In truth, the ending I wanted wasn’t for him to love me. I didn’t want forgiveness from him or anyone else. If that was what I’d wanted from the beginning, I wouldn’t have started any of this. From the moment I decided to maintain Ludin’s reputation to save Kadilen, I anticipated my own shabby ending. Perhaps, as I had expected, if Kadilen had never known the truth and all my steps toward him had been buried in the grave, things might have been better than they are now.

There were many things I had missed. I didn’t think Jiman would follow my wishes, I didn’t think Wimu would find out about the situation. I truly didn’t think that Devan wouldn’t be able to let go of his feelings even after learning my true intentions. If they had truly hated me, a much better ending would have come to everyone. Jiman wouldn’t have struggled helping Kadilen with me, Wimu would have only been sad about losing a friend, Devan would have laughed freely at my failure. And Kadilen… wouldn’t have loved me.

Just as the original Ludin had planned. If I had met the predetermined death along with my honor that had fallen to the ground.

I was someone who should have disappeared like that. I should have quietly vanished without anyone discovering that I had tried to change the ending of this world.

“…Ludin…”

Kadilen called my name in his sleep. I felt his pain faintly. Just as he can sense my emotions, have I also become able to sense his? I gently patted his shifting shoulder.

Though it was too late, I needed to leave this place now. Not to escape from a situation I could no longer handle. As Wimu had said, I was someone who shouldn’t exist in their present if I stayed, because everyone would never be able to let me go. After all, the desire for me to live would ultimately contain skewed lingering attachments. What they needed wasn’t my existence, but a heart to heal their wounds. They would recall their wounds every time they saw me. Just as I do.

I thought about what to write in the letter. Looking at Kadilen, who had fallen back into peaceful sleep under my touch, I considered sentences that could serve as an ointment for past memories. The halting farewell message I was forming momentarily paused at the calm approaching footsteps.

“Get some rest.”

“You’re here?”

Wimu approached with a small sigh. He looked much more composed than I had expected. He looked at the sleeping Kadilen. Although he probably had heard from Jiman, I explained the situation once more for the concerned Wimu. He just quietly nodded. After saying that we were waiting for Kadilen to regain consciousness, silence fell upon the hospital room again. I was the first to break the quietness.

“Jiman has agreed.”

Wimu’s gaze shifted from Kadilen to me. Seeming to understand my meaning, he didn’t ask for an explanation. A painful expression briefly crossed his face, but soon a conversation like whispers followed. Three days later, Wimu promised to help Jiman and me completely escape from the palace.

“It’s a small island. Rarely populated and has many fruits.”

It was a calm statement, but suddenly my heart ached. When I was at the temple, Wimu always brought delicious fruits to lead me to training. When I wasn’t feeling well, fruits were about the only thing I could eat, and he thought I liked them. When Wimu tempted me with fruits, I would pretend to give in and comply with his requests. I would pick up the sword for him while controlling my overwhelming breathing.

“Thank you.”

He didn’t respond to my gratitude. I looked at the floor, lost in thought, and mumbled.

“Now everything will go back to its rightful place. They won’t have to recall their wounds while looking at me…”

“…What?”

It was like talking to myself, but suddenly his voice grew louder. Surprised, I looked at him, and Wimu squinted his eyes and walked closer to me.

“Ludin. Look at me.”

He captured my gaze with his firm words. As I stared at him, not understanding, Wimu spoke in a low but strong voice.

“If that’s the reason, you must live.”

I wanted to ask what he meant. But he gazed at me intently. So complex and yet so clear that it left me speechless. Wimu whispered softly, like someone entranced. His firm voice immediately scattered cautiously.

“I don’t recall any of those things.”

“…”

“Rather, I can’t think of anything at all…”

“…”

“I only see you.”

A heavier silence than ever before settled. My lips moved, but no words came out. He looked at me without blinking once.

“If you hadn’t saved him, I would have died with him.”

He truly had straightforward eyes as he said he didn’t recall any wounds when looking at me. It was a gaze directly toward me, without any thoughts or hatred.

“You saved me too.”

Did I really save Wimu, as he said? In the original ending, Kadilen was executed along with the rebels. Wimu, who was one of his representative people, couldn’t have survived. Looking at the results, his words were true. But I thought he would be in pain, just as I was…

“Why did I only realize it now? Even though I knew for so long, I never saw you like this before.”

The only pain in his eyes now was from my impending death. Wimu was sad about losing me, not wishing for me to live out of complicated lingering feelings and greed. Because he was solely looking at me.

“Something was different.”

Although it wasn’t an intense gaze that bound my body, it took a lot of effort to move my stiffened lips. I forcibly tried to say something.

“So I…”

“Ludin.”

A hoarse voice called my name. Startled, I turned my head to see Kadilen looking at me with a tired face, as if he had just regained consciousness. Although I had been waiting for him to wake up, I could only freeze in embarrassment. Wimu’s words and actions wouldn’t easily be forgotten. Unlike me who had stiffened, Wimu greeted him respectfully.

“I’m sorry for startling you. You must have come in a hurry.”

“Not at all.”

Unlike someone who had just regained consciousness, Kadilen immediately began talking about Wimu’s duties in a familiar manner. In a space where incomprehensible conversations were exchanged, his eyes occasionally turned to me. I felt his gaze but didn’t have time to manage my expression. I focused all my attention on calming my mind while listening to their conversation. As the discussion roughly concluded, Wimu withdrew politely. He calmly left the hospital room with an attitude completely unaffected by what had just happened between us.

I watched his back as he left, feeling somewhat dazed, but then thought that perhaps this behavior was his best effort as someone who would be defying his lord in three days. Because of me, he was planning to go against Kadilen’s will for the first time. His words and this situation tangled together, making my mind complicated.

“You seem deep in thought.”

I looked at Kadilen at his careful words. Though he was the one lying in the hospital bed, he was examining my face with eyes full of concern. Suddenly feeling indignant, I glared at him not unkindly.

“You’re largely to blame.”

In the storage room, I had called his name carelessly, forgetting royal etiquette. I had spoken down to him as if addressing a subordinate, treating him as an equal like before. Since we were alone anyway, I had no intention of changing my attitude now. Especially not toward him, who had created such a confusing situation.

“I have many questions, but I don’t know where to start.”

“…”

“Just tell me this. Is it true that I can feel your emotions now?”

Perhaps the right choice would have been to leave the palace according to plan without asking. Nevertheless, the reason I had waited all night for him to wake up was to respond to that emotion. If he had come to love me, by my escape, Kadilen would remain in eternal pain.

At the very least, I wanted to tell him to live his own life now, to continue fully the life I had protected. I believed I had that right. Since I hadn’t wanted him to recognize me, I just wanted to be forgotten by him with everything remaining in the past. Also, I hoped we would each live our lives without resenting each other.

Kadilen didn’t answer my question. Seeing his troubled expression, I judged that he had given a silent affirmation.

“But how…?”

Once I accepted this fact, a natural question followed. Having been surprised at knowing Kadilen’s heart, this was a part I hadn’t seriously considered. I knew his emotions were true, but how could I feel them?

It had never happened before. It was always Kadilen who read emotions. This was the first time I experienced someone else’s emotions filling my heart regardless of my will. As if the bead had connected us…

The bead, the three beads inside my body.

His body collapsing weakly, his emotions rising like a hazy fog.

“Wait, you didn’t…”

A strange thought occurred to me. Looking at me fumbling, Kadilen whispered faintly.

“Ludin.”

His eyes followed me anxiously.

“Give me the pain…”

“…”

“Can’t you possibly be safe?”

“…What are you saying?”