# Chapter 43
Father originally had a talent for making people angry with his endlessly light pranks. Though it was a playful notification of departure in his father’s style, it wasn’t a joke. Jaei, who had been monopolizing Doha, lost him overnight and became alone.
Of course, he didn’t really think Doha’s parents had forcibly taken him and run away. Obviously, Doha must have wanted to leave his side. Though Lee Doha was a child who had rolled in unexpectedly, he was never the type to obediently listen to his parents. So, the ill-mannered, arrogant Lee Doha had left Korea of his own will without even saying goodbye to his hyung.
Jaei tried to retrace Doha’s movements from the day before he disappeared. Doha had met Ryu Seungha at the office. After parting with Ryu Seungha, he figured out apartment 1002’s password, unlocked it, and entered. When Jaei stopped by apartment 1002 after being discharged from the hospital, there were traces of someone having been there. The only person who could have rummaged through that place was Doha. Seeing that he’d left without turning off the fluorescent light, Jaei could easily guess how flustered he must have been.
He couldn’t know exactly what had happened to Doha in that room that night. Nor could he know what Doha was feeling or thinking now. But one thing was certain: what he needed now was time, not Lee Jaei.
He couldn’t express how much he regretted after hearing Doha’s honest feelings at the hospital. From Doha’s perspective, it was only natural to consider himself ‘a substitute for Lee Jaei’s dead first love.’ After talking with Ryu Seungha and confirming the traces of love left behind by Ryu Doha and Lee Jaei in apartment 1002, that thought might have become even clearer. As long as he couldn’t accept himself as Ryu Doha, he would only feel like he was awkwardly wedged between Ryu Doha and Lee Jaei.
Stupidly, Jaei hadn’t anticipated those feelings from Doha at all. Even at the moment when he was pouring out his innermost thoughts, Jaei failed to understand his heart and stubbornly threw a tantrum. He was so sorry that Lee Jaei’s supposedly delicate personality seemed to only apply when it benefited himself.
Why had he done that? Why had he thought Lee Doha would be happy learning about Ryu Doha’s existence? Like a fool, he had imagined Doha shouting happily, “I never had to suffer from unrequited love, you loved me from the beginning,” with a happy smile. It was all because he was selfish and arrogant.
Now he would humbly wait for Doha’s decision. He would respect and accept whatever choice he made. Of course, “accepting” was one thing, but what he would do afterward was separate from Doha’s choice. However, the longer Doha was absent from his side, the more his negative thoughts inevitably grew. He even imagined the worst scenario—that Doha might never return.
It didn’t matter. If he didn’t come back to him, then he would go after him. Now they were even tied by an employer-employee contract, so he planned to wield the law if Doha wouldn’t listen. Anyway, no matter how far Lee Doha might fly, he was still in the palm of Lee Jaei’s hand.
After two months of no contact, Doha returned on the last day of that year.
[Congratulations on your Grand Prize. Watching the award ceremony from home. I’m back.]
In the car returning home after finishing his schedule, Jaei screamed when he saw the message Doha had sent an hour ago. He grabbed his phone with both hands and frantically kicked his legs.
But his joy was fleeting. He wiped away the tears welling up in his large eyes and put earphones in his ears. He searched for the video channel that had greatly helped with his mental care over the past two months and played a video titled “Breathing Meditation for Not-Too-Painful Breakups.” He calmed his breathing steadily, focusing on exhaling and inhaling.
After arriving home, Jaei stood in front of apartment 902’s front door with his hands placed neatly on his chest, mentally preparing himself. His infinitely weak and sensitive heart was racing wildly. Since he had heard the New Year’s Eve bell during the award ceremony, he was now facing the crisis of breaking up with Doha as soon as the new year began.
If Doha had completely made up his mind, Jaei intended to let him go as un-pathetically as possible. And after finishing the breakup, he planned to watch “Healing Meditation for Overcoming the Wounds of Separation” with Doha on TV.
After preparing his heart, he pressed the lock’s password and opened the front door. New sneakers that appeared to be Doha’s were placed in the entryway, and the lights were brightly lit inside. Feeling somewhat afraid, he couldn’t readily enter the living room and instead stood by the shoe cabinet, saying in a loud voice:
“Doha. I’m home. The head of this household has arrived.”
However, he couldn’t hide his somewhat intimidated manner. Soon, the Doha he had missed so much appeared before his eyes. The moment Jaei saw his beloved’s face, he exhaled, “Hah,” releasing his tension. Doha, whom he hadn’t seen for two months, somehow felt very different. He definitely seemed unfamiliar.
Though it might just be his mood, Jaei felt like Doha was trying to look more handsome than usual. He had his broad shoulders stretched out, his back straightened upright, his chest—which had become noticeably firmer and broader—pushed forward, and he wore a handsome expression only seen in dramas. He appeared conscious of Jaei’s gaze.
Above all, he was wearing outdoor clothes at 1 AM. It was the black knit sweater that Jaei had always told him to wear when meeting parents and even on his wedding day. This outfit boasted a 100% success rate visually. Why was he wearing clothes that accentuated his shoulders and chest and brightened his complexion when he should have been in pajamas or loungewear?
But Jaei didn’t bother asking why. Doha had the freedom of attire. And it was also understandable if he thought Doha hadn’t adjusted to the time difference yet.
With his hands in his pants pockets, Doha stared intently and greeted him:
“Thanks for working hard to take responsibility and provide for me today too, Jaei-ya.”
At the “Jaei-ya” title Doha chose, Jaei rolled his eyes and twitched his soft nose. Although Doha had declared in the hospital room two months ago that he would play the role of Ryu Doha’s substitute, it wasn’t very pleasing that he was deliberately speaking informally as if pretending to be Ryu Doha. But he didn’t point this out either. Anyway, he was planning to end their relationship, which had been maintained by his selfishness, from now on.
With a faint smile, he nodded and entered the living room. Doha followed. After removing his outer clothes and placing them on the sofa, Jaei stood facing Doha and calmly began the speech he had prepared while riding in the car.
“Have you sorted out your feelings completely?”
“Yes. I’ve sorted everything out. Cleanly.”
“Then I’ll speak first.”
Looking down to avoid Doha’s gaze, which was honest to the point of burning, Jaei said:
“During our time apart, I’ve thought deeply about what you said to me. There wasn’t anything wrong with it. So I’ll also clearly state my feelings. I won’t love you if you’re not my first love, Ryu Doha. Even if you have the same face and personality as Ryu Doha.”
This statement must have deeply hurt Doha. Jaei was truly sorry. But it was an issue that needed to be precisely addressed—not for himself, but for Doha. When he raised his head and looked at Doha’s face, contrary to expectations, there was no trace of hurt, but he still judged that Doha must be wounded inside.
Nevertheless, Jaei continued with what he had to say:
“When I thought you were Ryu Doha’s younger brother, I wasn’t attracted to you at all. You were a cute and dear younger brother, but you couldn’t be anything more. Everything you said was right. I don’t love anyone but Ryu Doha. But I believe you are Ryu Doha. That’s why I love you, and everything about you is beautiful to me.”
Doha, who had been quietly listening to Jaei’s serious talk, rubbed his heating cheeks with his large hands. At this moment, with Jaei’s bombardment of love pouring over him, he couldn’t control his expression well. He didn’t want to show a bright smile with two red circles on his cheeks in such a serious atmosphere. So he picked up “Ryu Doha and Lee Jaei’s Exchange Diary” from the table to hide his lower face.
Though this should have been enough, Jaei showed no intention of stopping his love confession. It was an absolute love that no one could stop.
“I’ve never liked anyone else since I was born. Ryu Doha is my everything.”
At this unrestrained love confession, Doha opened his eyes as wide as possible. The hand holding the diary was trembling. It was because he had to hold back the laughter that was leaking out. Jaei, completely unaware of Doha’s mood, clenched his fist and continued with determination:
“If you find this unpleasant, I can’t help it. I love you, but if you don’t think of yourself as Ryu Doha, then ultimately you’re not him to me either. You shouted that you’re not a substitute for Ryu Doha? The same goes for me. No one can replace Ryu Doha for me. So you don’t need to try to become Ryu Doha on purpose. Not for you, not for me. You replacing Ryu Doha’s position with such feelings isn’t happy at all.”
Doha finally smiled brightly, raising the corners of his mouth from behind the diary. Having said everything he had prepared, Jaei concluded the breakup with a hurt expression:
“As promised, I’ll leave all my assets to you. This house is yours too. I’ll move all my things upstairs soon. I know you hate me. But for both our sakes, I think it’s right to end things like this as soon as possible. I’m sorry, Doha. I’ve been too selfish until now. Let’s go back to being brothers. So stop calling me ‘Jaei’ and respectfully call me ‘hyung’ again, you impudent guy.”
Though he finished speaking calmly and composedly, he couldn’t hide his flowing tears. After wiping the tears that had streamed down his cheeks with his palm, Jaei turned around with slumped shoulders and walked weakly toward the bedroom. While walking, engrossed in the painful breakup, he tripped over the handle of Doha’s suitcase lying on the floor.
“Ack! What’s this!”
He hit his knee with a thud while placing his palm on the floor. Doha, who had been watching Jaei’s passionate love for Ryu Doha with interest, was greatly surprised. He threw down the diary, ran over, knelt, and shouted:
“Jaei-ya! No! Don’t die! What would I do if you died!”
“I won’t die from something like this. My knee hurts, and my wrist too.”
Doha, who had been making a fuss like a machine with no expression, lifted the body of the foolish cat and placed him on his thighs. He confined Jaei, who was always getting hurt and falling, within his arms. As he gently caressed Jaei’s round knee, he looked at him with sharp eyes and said:
“You really need a lot of looking after, even as an adult.”
“Hmm?”
Jaei thought it was the timing to bang his head against Doha’s, but feeling somewhat puzzled, he tilted his head. Doha lifted the paper-light Jaei and moved to the sofa, continuing:
“Do you fall like a slime like this on set all the time too?”
“Slime? That’s harsh. I’ve been exercising lately, so it’s not that bad.”
“You should value your life. Otherwise, you’ll get a lot of penalty points. You should always be careful too, Jaei.”
“…?”
