# Chapter 42
Jaei had preserved every memory he’d shared with Ryu Doha, down to the most trivial details. True to his meticulous nature, it seemed he had collected every trace Ryu Doha had left in his life since they were eight years old, without discarding a single one. If Ryu Doha were to discover this fact, he would be profoundly moved. Doha thought about this as if he himself had somehow become Ryu Doha.
And in that moment, a strange certainty came over him. He was convinced that apartment 902 would contain carefully preserved traces that Lee Doha had left in Lee Jaei’s life.
Just until moments ago, Doha had been observing the evidence of the love that had built up between Ryu Doha and Lee Jaei since childhood as a third party. He had naturally expected to feel jealous of them. He thought he would feel alienated from their desperate love affair that not even death could separate, and that he would end up feeling insignificant.
But that wasn’t the case. Strangely enough, each time Doha examined one of the memories Jaei had kept, he found himself replaying the story and scene in his mind like a movie. He vaguely thought, ‘This must be how it really was.’
When he placed his palm on the unopened set of lemon-scented soaps, he almost concluded that his identity was psychometric.
“The last birthday present…”
He felt a sensation like being stabbed in the head by an awl. It was so painful that he worried his eyeballs might pop out, but he didn’t stop and continued to experience this unfamiliar sensation.
He carefully unfolded a neatly folded piece of paper. On the long letter paper, resembling a formal petition, was written Jaei’s desperate plea for Ryu Doha’s return. Doha mumbled through the lengthy letter, reading it aloud.
“My Doha, who changed even before your debut! You’ve been named the number one fastest-changing celebrity in the world! This is a congratulatory letter for your first-place ranking. I’m happy whenever you rank first in anything. Even though your dedication as an actor has completely pushed aside the initial passion you had when dating me, it’s still something to celebrate because it’s proof of your immersion in acting. It’s not okay at all, but I’ll try to bear it. They say love can’t be explained with common sense anyway. In dramas and movies, there are many adults who forgive and watch over their cheating partners. I’m pretty much in that situation now.”
Choked with emotion, Doha forced a smile and quietly closed his eyes. With his eyes still closed, he continued speaking, making sure to imitate Jaei’s tone and voice.
“Will you come back to me when filming is over? But it doesn’t matter if you don’t. I can just follow you around. Of course, if you don’t like it, I’ll hold back and not follow you. But if you won’t even allow that, I’d be terribly sad. I’d have to lock myself in my room and cry all day. I’d doodle ‘I miss Doha’ on my textbooks and desk during class~ Keep replaying your movie~ I absolutely don’t regret telling you to take that movie role!”
Doha wasn’t looking at the letter anymore. He wasn’t reading the words with his eyes. He was simply reciting from memory the words of Jaei’s love, words he had read over and over until the paper wore thin, words he knew by heart from the first letter to the last.
“Doha, you are a part of my identity, the backdrop of my world…”
After fluently reciting the sentence as if delivering a memorized line, he knelt down in that spot, tears streaming down his face. He checked the letter again, like an actor reviewing a script. The sentences he had just spoken were written on the paper, exactly word for word.
Tears continued to flow more heavily. Doha kept crying for a while longer, unable to understand why. Without fully composing his emotions, he pulled open the desk drawer handle. His face contorted in pain as soon as he saw the suspicious objects filling the drawer.
Syringes, refined pills, and things like utility knives were scattered inside. These were items suggesting some kind of purpose. Moreover, all of them had been opened and showed signs of use. Had Lee Jaei been consistently attempting to join Ryu Doha all this time? In so many different ways?
Short life, short life—even though he hated hearing those words repeated, he thought they were just verbal threats. He believed Jaei would never actually carry them out. Doha had always thought that way until now. But Ryu Doha had never thought that way, not for a single moment.
Therefore, the Doha living and breathing in this world right now already knew that Jaei had endured such painful days without him.
“That’s why I had to come back…”
His head hurt so much that he didn’t even understand what he was saying. Everything was in chaos. He was engulfed in intense fatigue and confusion. As his mind reeled, it felt as if his soul was being cut by unfamiliar memories surfacing hazily. Nausea rose, and he knelt down, gasping for breath. Feeling like he might lose consciousness at any moment, he pressed his head to the floor, barely holding onto his senses.
Memories that weren’t his own until just moments ago were now invading his mind all at once, as if they had been waiting for this very moment to find him. Had Ryu Doha’s soul entered him? Or was directly witnessing the traces of Jaei’s suffering in this room the spell that completely awakened his sealed memories?
Collapsed on the floor like a dead man, Doha fumbled in his pocket for his phone. Then, barely able to support his body and in a complete mess, he managed to contact someone who could help him.
“Father… Please help me now. Keep this secret from Hyung…”
He had a brief phone conversation with Jaei’s father. Doha judged that he wasn’t in his right mind. He thought he might develop a mental illness if he wasn’t careful. In this state of uncertainty about himself, he couldn’t show such a vulnerable side to Jaei.
Desperate not to let the father discover the memories that Ryu Doha and Lee Jaei had shared as lovers, he crawled out of apartment 1002. He barely managed to get up and board the elevator. For a brief time, his brain was overloaded, and his consciousness flickered precariously, nearly cutting off. Feeling drowsy, he collapsed right there in the elevator.
Just before falling into a deep sleep, Doha mumbled as if talking in his sleep.
“Jaei… the reason I… was a child…”
He closed his eyes with a thud, losing consciousness.
My most regretful moment?
I regret every moment I hurt Jaei and caused him pain. In the end, I couldn’t survive, which gave Jaei a sense of guilt. I must return to him to erase that guilt from Jaei’s heart. If I don’t return, Jaei will come here.
My fourteenth summer was like a horror movie. I hope that moment never returns to my life. Even if I could go back to the moment I met that adult, I would make the same choice and regret it again anyway.
I was more terrified of being told I was ruining Jaei than I was of dying. Jaei had wanted to be an actor since he was very young. But they said I was messing up Jaei’s acting. At that time, it felt like our entire past together was being denied, and it was really hard.
I had never hidden my feelings for Jaei in my life, but then I had to withdraw all those feelings. That was the only thing I could do for Jaei. I regret it, but there was nothing I could do about it.
So the winter when I turned eight remains my most regretful time. The day I first met Jaei, I got angry at him on the playground of Haesung Elementary School and told him he was a mean and bad kid. Jaei cried a lot that day. Because of me, he developed a fever and was bedridden for a long time.
I shouldn’t have said those words to Jaei. I shouldn’t have thrown snowballs at him either. I regretted that day every single day while loving Jaei. Because the angelic Jaei went through things he shouldn’t have had to experience because of me.
If I could go back to the day I first met Jaei, I would never have a snowball fight. I would just hold Jaei’s hand tightly and walk home together, stepping on the snow piled on the road. I want to go home, lie down on the bed, take a nap together, wake up, eat delicious tteokbokki, and become friends. And I wouldn’t become Jaei’s lover.
You can love someone all by yourself, right? While watching Jaei become a wonderful actor and succeed from the sidelines.
* * *
After his parents returned home, Jaei, left alone in the hospital room, couldn’t sleep all night. But as time passed, he found stability and was able to think rationally. He calmly organized his thoughts, recalling one by one the angry words Doha had confronted him with earlier. He fully understood why Doha was angry with him.
He was aware that Doha had met Seungha at the office. He didn’t know what they had discussed. He couldn’t know what conclusion Doha had reached. Unable to contact him rashly, he had left only one message asking Doha to get in touch when his thoughts were organized.
He dozed off briefly and then woke up. Even though it was morning, Doha hadn’t read his message. He ended up calling Doha, but his phone was turned off. He thought Doha might be sleeping in since it was the weekend. If they couldn’t get in touch by noon, he planned to go look for him personally as his guardian.
While imagining and worrying about his well-being in countless ways, he received a call from his father.
“Lee Jaei. I’m at the airport now, and Doha is with me. Have a good discharge from the hospital today.”
“Ah, I see. I was surprised because I couldn’t get in touch with Doha. He’s being filial on my behalf.”
Jaei smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. His father’s voice continued.
“Dad and Mom are going to take Doha with us.”
“What? Did Doha say he wants to? That’s not like him.”
His voice rose at the absurd story.
“He said there are still a few months until the crank-in, right? We’ll stay with him for a bit and then send him back to Korea. We’re basically kidnapping him because he’s too cute. We’ll contact the school on Monday. That’s all.”
“What? Give Doha back!”
