I wanted to ask Jiwoo once more if he really liked me. But I knew the answer ‘Yeah, I like you’ would come carelessly from that mouth.
If he doesn’t even like me, why did he approach me saying he likes me? Looking at all this talk about skinship, did he just want to sleep with me once? Then won’t he lose interest in me after sleeping together once?
What choice would be best for this situation? My head was throbbing and my stomach started to feel bad too.
“Can’t you just decide?”
Please don’t make me do that… I said with difficulty as if troubled, feeling like crying. Then Jiwoo tilted his head.
“Why?”
“It’s hard to decide.”
“What’s hard about it?”
It was an expression of not understanding. Which made sense. Actually, it wasn’t difficult at all. The definition of a relationship is heavily influenced by the presence or absence of skinship anyway.
Thinking ordinarily, for us to have skinship beyond pecks, we’d need to be lovers. Or sex partners. But being lovers means you have to feel love for each other. But we don’t have love.
Of course I approached him with a special purpose, but the problem is Jiwoo is probably the same. How could that be the appearance of a man in love?
All that’s left is sex partners, but that’s not a close relationship. It’s just a relationship where you mix bodies like beasts.
Then I could just brazenly ask him to date me… The problem was I kept having the illusion of warning lights going off. Should I say it felt like this wasn’t the right answer? I couldn’t explain it, but my intuition wasn’t good.
I was more cautious because the moment I made even one mistake with that peculiar, strange eccentric with no concept of chastity whatsoever, the probability of me being out increased.
“Grandfather said earlier that you don’t seem to like me much.”
While I was forcibly turning my complicated head that was emitting heat, Jiwoo muttered. I was already anxious, and sure enough, it seemed Grandfather felt something.
“It’s not that I don’t like you.”
“Then why do you spend time with me? Because I’m like an amusement park?”
Jiwoo, who had been attacking only the spicy pork for a while, said while taking a bite of kimbap with a whole egg roll inside. It seemed like a serious situation, but I lost steam because he kept stuffing things in his mouth.
“Does the kimbap suit your taste?”
“Yeah, it’s the most delicious thing I’ve eaten this year.”
Seogong has a small appetite and doesn’t feel hunger well in the first place, so it had been a long time since someone ate the food I made this well. It was nice to see him eat well, so I decided to use this.
“Do you want to keep eating that?”
Jiwoo nodded.
“Acquaintance, friend, lover. Pick one of the three. Then I’ll keep making it for you from now on.”
“……”
Jiwoo seemed at a loss for words and moved his lips. I’d always been like that, so seeing Jiwoo do it made me feel secretly satisfied. I sighed inwardly for a moment, thinking I was really childish too, then opened my mouth.
“If it’s hard to decide, should we start as acquaintances?”
“Does that mean the relationship could change later?”
“It could.”
“But if we’re acquaintances, we can’t have sex, right?”
For once, he said something sensible. So he does know that.
“Yes, I don’t do that with acquaintances. For reference, I don’t do it with friends either.”
“I know that much too.”
At the somewhat offended tone, I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. The sound was louder than expected, so I quickly cleared my throat.
“I just answered because you asked.”
“I didn’t ask—it was talking to myself.”
“Yes, fine. Anyway, it doesn’t seem like you want to be in a romantic relationship with me, so I think it’s best to start as acquaintances.”
Jiwoo, who was already offended, frowned this time.
“How do you know that? Did you read my mind?”
Not just me—Jiwoo was just as childish.
“Even if I can’t read your thoughts, I can read your actions. Thoughts aren’t visible, but actions are.”
“What’s wrong with my actions?”
“Usually when someone you like is carrying something heavy, you help carry it. Because you know it would be heavy to carry alone. Heavy things hurt your hands and are tiring. Then it’s painful. No one wants the person they love to be in pain.”
I don’t think he was asking because he didn’t know, but I still explained in detail step by step. He won’t talk nonsense like he doesn’t understand even after this, will he?
“You wouldn’t leave without looking back even once when parting. When preparing food, you’d at least ask if you could help, even as lip service. You wouldn’t blabber about the environment of the person you love to others without permission either.”
“……”
“Of course, not everyone is like that, but at least I am.”
I didn’t say it angrily, but worried Jiwoo’s mood might worsen again, I quickly added,
“I’m not criticizing you though. To say I’m disappointed—we’re nothing to each other in the first place.”
“Were you disappointed? That I made only you carry the bags?”
At the pointed question, I was suddenly at a loss for words. Of course I could carry the bags alone. Even if my lover made only me carry bags, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. It was just an example to explain why I felt he didn’t seem to love me.
But when he said it like that, I suddenly felt like I’d become someone who sulked because he didn’t help carry bags.
“I told you. Since we’re nothing to each other, there was nothing to be disappointed about.”
“Then if we’d been lovers, would you have been disappointed then?”
Of course not. I wasn’t, but I’d said something earlier, so I had no choice but to agree. I nodded reluctantly.
“Y-yes…”
“I see. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t Grandfather tell me that?”
At the suddenly mentioned word ‘Grandfather,’ I tilted my head. Jiwoo scraped the bottom of the almost empty soup bowl with his spoon, making clinking sounds.
“He only said you didn’t seem to like me, not that I didn’t seem to like you.”
What is this… I was so dumbfounded my mouth fell open without realizing it.
“Do you need someone to tell you that?”
Oops, but I’d already said everything. Jiwoo, who had been making noisy sounds continuously clanking dishes, raised his head and looked at me.
“Then why did you keep meeting me?”
It was an irrelevant answer. Maybe it was fortunate. It seemed like I shouldn’t try to understand the depth of that incomprehensible small head.
“Because I’m interested.”
“……”
“Even if it’s not love to death.”
“……”
“Everyone starts like that. From acquaintance to friend, from friend to lover.”
Ugh, fuck. Why is it so hard to just say let’s flirt? I endured it because I received 100 million won, otherwise I would’ve run away long ago.
“Then what about sex?”
That sound came out of Jiwoo’s mouth again as he sat still. I took a deep breath and let it out.
“That’s later, after we become lovers.”
“Then why did you say you’d do it earlier?”
“Are you a sex addict by any chance?”
Oops, the words poured out again without going through my brain. A deep sense of embarrassment showed clearly on my face, but I quickly wrapped it up. But I couldn’t take back words already said, so I continued speaking.
“Why do you only talk about sex?”
At my question, Jiwoo closed his mouth and stared at me. His sharply edged gaze was just like a wild beast before hunting.
“Usually when you start a conversation with a provocative or uncomfortable topic, most people…”
He muttered very leisurely like talking to himself, not taking his eyes off me for a moment.
“Become honest.”
“What?”
“The more it’s a first meeting, the more effective it is. You don’t seem to be though.”
“…?”
What is he saying? It was incomprehensible words again. Only then did Jiwoo put down the spoon that had been scraping the bowl and said,
“Let’s start as acquaintances like you said. But there’s a condition.”
“…A condition? Don’t tell me you’re going to say let’s have sex?”
At my words, Jiwoo laughed as if absurd. Seeing that, I couldn’t help but widen my eyes. Because his smiling face looked so much like my age group. No, we’re the same age, so of course we’re the same age group…
“Well, it’s a similar story.”
“What? It’s about sex again?”
When I came to my senses and frowned sharply, Jiwoo put his elbow on the table, propped his chin, and looked at me.
“If we become lovers, we could have sex.”
“That’s right.”
“Right now we’re starting as acquaintances.”
“Yes.”
It was correct. Looking at me nodding, Jiwoo smiled again.
“So for the future, let’s not have sex with other people starting today.”
“…We already agreed to that earlier.”
“Actually, I had no intention of keeping that. This is a real promise.”
What the fuck is this bastard doing, really…
