Yeah, trust me. I’m a member vouched for by Kang Ikwon. I stared at the staff with the most trustworthy gaze possible, curving my eyes like stamping a seal. I don’t know the principle, but usually when I make this expression, my favorability rating shoots up like a doping record. At least for today, I hope it does.
It’s not that I chose Moon Jaeyoung because I liked him. First of all, J, who even got the floor wrong, is a pass. He looks more like a first-timer than me. If you’re going to gamble, you should bet on the safe option. So Park Seoyun, who looked sincere but was aggressive toward Kang Ikwon, is also a pass. Givenchy, whose name I can’t even remember if it’s Taehon or Taeun, is also a pass. But if it’s Moon Jaeyoung, he’ll definitely deliver my message to J. Because that would be… fun.
I walked out rubbing the back of my neck with a not-very-pleasant feeling. I probably won’t come to this place again.
“It’s been a really long time since you came out?”
As soon as I entered the bar, Pujo hyung welcomed me. Even though I’d barged into his place and stuck around for three days together, he spoke like seeing someone after months. I sat down and casually deflected his fuss.
“You said I’d get moldy if I never went out.”
“That’s because you were rolling around without even washing.”
“Once I let go of living like a human, it was really comfortable.”
It’s true. Once I gave up, that first night was the crisis, but from the next day on, a smooth mental peace came like the oil on my face. Pujo hyung gave me carbonated water I didn’t even ask for and, unlike usual, read my mood.
“Looks like you can live now. Still not going to tell me what happened?”
I stared intently at a man sitting in the corner of the bar armed with a hat and mask and answered half-heartedly.
“…Well.”
“If you’re not going to break up, just make up quickly. I think this is the first time I’ve seen you like this over a lover.”
“You’re right, it’s the first time.”
“Seriously, you’re setting the mood. Do you think you’re some drama protagonist?”
Pujo hyung scolded me. Sharp. In a way, that’s correct. But hyung probably doesn’t know the genre I’m passionately performing is a morning drama.
Come to think of it, J and I are basically connected through Pujo hyung in a broad sense. Just as a secret grudge was about to seep into my gaze toward hyung, the man who’d been sitting like No-Face crossed several stools and settled next to me. Lowering his mask, J grinned.
“Can I talk to you now?”
“I called you to talk, did you think I called because I wanted to see you?”
I answered curtly without even looking at him.
“Right? I already came here, and it’s O’Bar.”
J looked around and fidgeted with his hands. Only then did the childish declaration like an elementary school breakup—don’t talk to me again, if you come to O’Bar you’re dead—come to mind. Ugh. Did I know I’d flip those words so quickly, and with my own mouth? I can’t take back words already spilled, and to hide my embarrassment, I waved my hand even more curtly on purpose. Then, before he could start spouting nonsense, I demanded point-blank.
“Tell me about Kang Ikwon. Everything you know, without mixing in your feelings.”
“Hmm?”
J tilted his head with an uninterested expression.
“What would I know about someone like Eden?”
“Call him Kang Ikwon.”
Every time J called Kang Ikwon Eden, I felt disgusted. Like getting confirmation that I knew nothing. J examined my face carefully as if finding it curious.
“How did you fall head over heels for him? That’s not even easy to do.”
“Why does the conversation jump there? He’s someone else. What I want to hear is separate.”
“What? Did Kang Ikwon deliberately approach you? Of course.”
Even though I’d expected those words, my chest ached sharply for a moment. J took off his hat, hung it on his fingertip, and spun it around.
“He’s a shooter.”
“Soccer?”
“NO, marksman.”
Pujo hyung, who had been listening with bated breath from the side, whispered busily, “Gun! Shooter, sniper, gunman!” J made a shooting gesture at a dartboard as if responding to him.
“He’s almost never missed a target.”
“I know his hobby is shooting too.”
You’re not the only one who knows Kang Ikwon well. Even in this situation, unpleasant feelings surge up.
“So what? That’s about guns.”
“So you’re also…”
The American citizen who fearlessly took an improper sniper stance in front of a Korean military veteran trailed off.
“So you… you’re an exception. Eden just puts a bullet in the head, he doesn’t set traps.”
“Are we catching rabbits now?”
“Of course you’d be shocked.”
J said soothingly.
“You believed you knew him well, but suddenly he became a stranger.”
“……”
“That all the sweet words he said to you were lies…”
“……”
“The feeling of believing Kang Ikwon liked you and then being betrayed, I also kno—”
“Hey.”
I cut off J’s words.
“Why are you spouting nonsense from earlier instead of answering what I’m asking?”
I glanced sideways at my phone with a stopwatch set. I haven’t resolved a single curiosity and wasted 5 minutes and 20 seconds on that crap.
“Of course Kang Ikwon likes me. Are you kidding?”
It was the first time I’d seen J at a loss for words. After a moment, he asked slowly.
“…Don’t you suspect Eden approached you with ulterior motives and played with you before dumping you?”
“Seriously. You only think thoughts like yourself.”
When I snorted, J’s expression became even stranger.
“You don’t even think you were fooled? It could all be an act.”
“How could I not know he fell for me?”
Don’t you have eyes? After playing around enough, what a pathetic bastard. I stated irritably.
“He’s completely crazy about me. You’re making me say obvious things.”
“Hah…?”
“Even a blind person would know.”
How could you not know that?
Without a doubt, Kang Ikwon fell in love, and the object is me. It’s not surprising. I’m amazing. What I’m curious about is Kang Ikwon before he loved me, until he came to love me.
J turned his head, propped his chin with one hand, and fell into thought. The hand that had been fiddling with his lips gradually started moving, then keke—he lowered his head and started laughing with shaking shoulders.
“Pfft. Pffhaha.”
That laughter continued intermittently and long like sobbing.
“Heh, heheh— hahaha.”
“Crazy… just get to the point.”
“Ah. You two really are a match made in heaven.”
“You got that wrong on purpose just now, right?”
“Jin.”
J’s eyes, when he raised his head, were still full of laughter.
“Then what are you curious about?”
I didn’t hold back and asked what I was most curious about.
“When did he start knowing about me?”
“Hmm. At least a year ago?”
“A year?”
I’d guessed that meeting at O’Bar wasn’t the first time, but I was momentarily taken aback by an answer that exceeded my thoughts.
“Maybe even earlier? When? It’s certain after you started dating, right?”
“No? We, well, that happened last year.”
“You said you dated for 3 years?”
“We’ve been meeting for 20 years. Since we were kids going to summer camp…”
J and I stared blankly at each other for a moment. A feeling that our words are completely off and not connecting. Strange. Kang Ikwon clearly said they’d been in “this kind of relationship” for 3 years.
Only I was confused; J propped his chin peacefully and smiled.
“Doesn’t it not matter? If Eden is head over heels for you now and you believe that, then things like that are now—”
“Does that make sense? That’s that and I’m curious about the truth.”
“Then why don’t you ask Eden instead of me?”
Taking advantage of my momentary loss for words, J kissed the back of my clasped hands.
“Jin. Are you angry, or scared?”
“…What do you know to say that?”
“I know.”
J rubbed my cheek teasingly with his thumb.
“I told you, I really liked you.”
Though his tone is suspiciously light for having even a grain of sincerity, that’s J.
“Can I kiss you just once?”
J asked seriously, unlike before. I frowned and pulled back.
“You know I’ll say no.”
“It’s not a weird meaning. A farewell greeting. You’re never going to see me again, right?”
That was true. When I didn’t deny it and kept my mouth shut, J tilted his head slightly.
“It’s the last time. Good to see you and Bye kiss.”
It was good to see you after so long, Jin. Be happy.
I knew I should avoid it, but I was momentarily dazed by the unfamiliar, serious weight in J’s whisper. It wasn’t hesitation, but belated sentimentality. Actually, now feels more like a real farewell than a year ago. This is what it means to part with someone forever. What did Kang Ikwon feel when he ended things with J? Did J perhaps exchange a farewell kiss with Kang Ikwon too…? Immersed in the sad speculation that had wormed its way in before I could stop it, I didn’t notice J’s face that had gotten close, or the shadow like a mountain shade covering us. It was when I belatedly came to my senses and twisted my head to avoid him.
