Epilogue
It’s a weekend afternoon. The day was warm and I was lying on Cheon Jaerim’s lap watching a movie. The fingers touching my hair were as delicate as a fine-toothed comb. The languid feeling made me fall into spring drowsiness. Not long after waking up, what woke me as I was about to fall asleep again was the suddenly ringing doorbell. Cheon Jaerim, as if he’d been waiting, laid my head on the sofa and got up from his seat.
“Who’s coming?”
“I told you last week.”
“……”
Did he say a guest was coming last week? I feel like I remember but not quite. I became anxious watching Cheon Jaerim head to the yard to greet an acquaintance. The person visible on the turned-on intercom screen was a woman. Just the fact that Cheon Jaerim invited someone here makes my head feel like it’s going to explode. This was my fortress. I, of course, and Cheon Jaerim too, hadn’t let anyone else into this house, nor invited anyone.
I spread my wings of imagination alone, guessing the relationship between that woman and Cheon Jaerim. Even though I’ve gotten much better, I sometimes get agitated when I see signs that Cheon Jaerim will leave me.
“Hello.”
“……”
The woman bends her upper body to take off her shoes. Her thick permed hair falls smoothly below her shoulders. It’s beautiful hair like you’d only see in comic books. I touched my hair that Cheon Jaerim had been touching. Compared to that hair, it was as rough as a scouring pad.
“Nice house.”
“Sit down.”
Cheon Jaerim, leaving me and the woman behind, goes into the kitchen. I looked helplessly at Cheon Jaerim moving with his own hands for the woman. The woman loitered around me, then headed to the terrace. She’s touching the flowerpots I’m caring for with affection. If even one leaf falls, I plan to throw a tantrum. However, the woman’s touch was very careful, and she had no power to cause harm, not even a speck.
“Should I help with something?”
“It’s fine.”
The woman went into the kitchen where Cheon Jaerim was. The small but oval table divided me and them like a barrier. I occasionally hear cackling laughter too. The sight of those two from behind looks like a newlywed couple. Coincidentally, the movie also showed a scene of a man and woman who spent the night together cooking. I feel like my existence is interfering with their time. My eyes are reading the subtitles in the movie, but my ears are open toward the kitchen. As the meat smell ripened, unknown anger ripened inside me.
“Should I put it here like this?”
“Yeah.”
The woman had mature beauty embedded in her. She overflowed with leisure like someone who succeeded in their life, and confidence could be glimpsed in each of her actions. I followed Cheon Jaerim frantically setting the table. It seemed like he’d forgotten my existence since the woman came. Gloom rises from the feeling of alienation.
“Hyung, what are you doing over there? Come quickly.”
Candles were even lit on the table. For lunch today, Cheon Jaerim made me fried rice. I ate it mixed with ketchup. Ah, a persecution complex rises. I’m displeased with Cheon Jaerim who made a feast when the woman came. I deliberately lowered my head and sat down, worried my emotions might show on my face. The woman kept trying to make eye contact like someone trying to read my mood.
“I’m Jaerim’s close older sister.”
“……”
“It’s been almost 2 years since we last met.”
“Yes.”
The woman wasn’t embarrassed even though I didn’t answer. Next to each plate was a glass filled with wine. The woman elegantly held the glass and moistened the inside of her mouth. I followed the woman. I opened my lips wide to drink a lot, then saw the woman and only moistened my lips. The dining table wafted a rose scent from the melting scented candle.
I was duplicitous. The woman bothered me, but I made an effort to be kind. I concentrated to not miss the conversation between the two. Focusing on the conversation, the delicious-looking meat was an afterthought. Cheon Jaerim turned his gaze to me, who was only lifting my fork.
“Doesn’t it suit your taste?”
These words sounded like the opposite meaning to me.
“I like this kind of thing too.”
“……”
“……”
The two people sitting in front seem flustered by the cold answer. I cut the meat into large pieces and shoved it into my mouth. How pathetic must I look? I feel like Nolbu with petty meanness stuck all over. Moreover, I’m not even the owner of this house. So I wished that woman would realize she was an uninvited guest and exit quickly.
“The neighborhood here is quiet and nice, can you show me around?”
The tough meat made me frustrated. After finishing the meal, I couldn’t refuse the woman’s request. I silently nodded my head and took the woman out. Instead of the black high heels she came in, the woman wore Cheon Jaerim’s slippers. I had to suppress the urge to stomp on her feet.
When I returned from a walk with the woman, Cheon Jaerim got up. Perhaps he’d already cleaned up, as the table was clean. Cheon Jaerim takes me into the room. I opened it very slightly and quickly closed it, worried the woman might covet my bedroom.
“You’re tired, right? Want to sleep first?”
“What about you?”
“I’ll talk with noona for a bit and come.”
She wasn’t leaving? Cheon Jaerim dealt with me first. Interrogating thoroughly is just my imagination. Cheon Jaerim covered me lying on the bed with a blanket and left. The sound of climbing the stairs gradually fades. When the shuffling sounds all became inaudible, my breathing became rough.
I couldn’t just watch Cheon Jaerim and the woman being alone together. Even if the woman didn’t intend it, Cheon Jaerim’s heart might change. Even if I can’t cause a scene, I need to monitor what’s happening. The woman was very beautiful, and she has the sand-like soft skin that Cheon Jaerim likes. It’s human nature to want to touch hair as soft as silk rather than my pig-bristle-like hair.
I even put on socks, worried my bare feet would stick to the floor and make noise. On the table, the small scented candle that had been burning since earlier floated on top of the wax. I climbed the stairs very calmly. I hurried my steps once every 5 seconds. After climbing all ten stairs, my heart pounds. The closer I get to the final destination, the higher my heartbeat rises. I prayed and prayed again that the worst scene I was imagining wouldn’t exist inside that door. I didn’t want to become a useless sack of barley.
White incandescent light leaks from under the second-to-last door. The door was slightly caught on the threshold and closed. It’s optimal conditions for eavesdropping. I crouched right where I stood. In acting, I had to be as weightless as dust. I pressed my body against the wall and brought my ear toward the door. The first voice I heard wasn’t Cheon Jaerim’s.
“Do you know how agonizing it is for a person to live with anxiety in their heart?”
“When he’s next to me, he doesn’t feel anxious.”
“That’s what you think.”
“Was he jealous of you today? What do you think?”
“You think that’s jealousy? I told you. You planted anxiety in that kid and made it so he can only stay by your side.”
“Is that bad?”
“Don’t you remember when you were young?”
“What memory?”
“The hamster you raised. Don’t you remember why it died?”
“It was sick.”
The woman brought up the story of Cheon Jaerim’s hamster that supposedly crossed the rainbow bridge. The hamster was a painful memory for Cheon Jaerim. Did he say he had special affection for it? Maybe that’s why, Cheon Jaerim couldn’t watch programs with animals when rodents appeared. It was when we were watching a rerun of an animal program. After passing a dog’s story about eating non-stop, the next protagonist was a golden hamster. As soon as the cheeks full of almonds appeared, Cheon Jaerim changed the channel.
‘Why did you change it?’
I couldn’t understand Cheon Jaerim who changed to a different channel every time a hamster appeared. Sadness commemorating the dead hamster dwelled in the eyes deeply set below the brow bone.
‘A hamster I raised before died too early. It was sick.’
‘……’
‘So when I see hamsters, my heart hurts.’
The face of a young boy who poured much affection into the hamster that was once his friend flashed by. When the hamster story came up, Cheon Jaerim leaned his face on my chest as if acting cute.
‘Want to raise one again?’
‘……’
I can see eyelashes blinking silently around the chest. He seems to think of hamsters as very weak beings, but I wanted to let him know they’re not that weak. Just as the anomaly of a sickly chick traded for 500 won living long can occur, I thought Cheon Jaerim’s hamster dying early in a good environment was also an anomaly. I imagined a simple scene of watching together as a plump hamster runs on a wheel.
‘They’re so small and squishy that they seem like they’d burst if you grab them even a little hard.’
‘……’
‘Never mind. I don’t need one anymore.’
The reminiscence ended here.
The woman’s voice came again.
“Right. It died from stress because you confined it and tormented it.”
“I didn’t torment it. It just wandered around everywhere and didn’t listen to me, so I made it a room.”
“Seeing you bring wooden planks from the workshop at that age and hammering away, I thought you weren’t in your right mind.”
“Then why didn’t you stop me?”
“Your mother said not to stop you because it was cute seeing you bustling around in your school uniform and knee socks.”
“……”
“People aren’t speechless beasts. They really run away.”
“Hyung is my home now.”
“You’ll regret it.”
“Would that be the only regret? If I was going to, I would have already.”
Putting together the information I eavesdropped on, it seems it died young from stress due to Cheon Jaerim’s behavior of making it play only with him. That Cheon Jaerim contributed to that death. Young Cheon Jaerim probably didn’t realize the hamster’s death was brought about by his actions.
“This is pointless……”
The woman sighed and changed the topic of conversation.
“Looking at the materials when Sunjo-ssi was in the hospital, he had depression……”
“Explain it so it’s easy to understand. I want to get rid of that.”
“When people get angry, they express it. They sleep all day, or take their anger out on someone close. They also inform their psychological state of being angry through silent methods like ignoring the other person. You might have noticed… Sunjo-ssi will give up even before getting angry. When you give up, it sinks like salt. When that accumulates, it becomes depression. Think of it as living with a bomb. It doesn’t explode easily either.”
I didn’t feel the need to listen anymore. Because all the curiosities I found dubious and questionable were resolved. I stood up from my crouched body. My body felt much lighter. I came down the stairs and headed to the room. The reason Cheon Jaerim invited that woman is 90% related to me. The food he carefully fed her is a kind of bribe. Those processes were small but for me.
