Cheon Jaerim ignored the questions asked of him and took my disposable cup.
“I told you not to drink cold things. Your stomach and below…”
“I need to go!”
I stood up, hitting the desk loudly like someone participating in a speech contest. The desk shook and writing utensils fell down. Everyone bent down to pick up the fallen pens. Cheon Jaerim, sitting upright alone, smiled gently and quietly continued what he was saying.
“Keep them warm.”
The juniors who came back up seemed not to have heard what Cheon Jaerim said. If I delayed, I didn’t know what other strange thing he might say. I couldn’t let him invade my private life even inside school.
“Then I should go too.”
Cheon Jaerim slowly moved his hand and put my scattered writing utensils into the green pencil case. Then he picked up my major textbook and stood up. As soon as Cheon Jaerim stood up, regretful sounds came from nearby. Cheon Jaerim harmonized with those sounds, saying “See you again,” and turned his back.
“See you tomorrow.”
My vision spun every time Cheon Jaerim promised a next time in front of me. I’d decided not to promise you a next time, but Cheon Jaerim always created a next time. Leaving behind greetings of “Take care,” I hastily escaped. As soon as I opened the door and came out, breath came from my mouth. Breath also came from Cheon Jaerim’s mouth. He was standing on one leg with the major textbook positioned against his shoulder.
“Did you think if you just sent one text, I’d go ‘Ah, hyung is busy’ and let it pass?”
“I did it yesterday.”
“Today also becomes yesterday when tomorrow comes.”
Making you speechless with absurd logic was Cheon Jaerim’s specialty. The number of times we barely agreed on relations considering me became variable according to Cheon Jaerim’s ups and downs.
“Yesterday was a lot, you made it hurt so much…”
“I’m about to get diarrhea right now.”
“……”
“What are you doing saying things like that outside?”
“……”
“So how is it now? Is it really churning?”
Cheon Jaerim asked, fidgeting with his body. I turned my wandering head and pointlessly looked at passersby 1, 2, 3. Cheon Jaerim, looking at my flustered self, went “Ah… really” and squished my cheek. Two men doing this in the middle of the street would be a disgusting scene to anyone watching. I shuffled and moved to the wall. The cheek Cheon Jaerim touched left heat.
“Let’s go to hyung’s place.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“……”
“You have nothing to say, right? Going?”
“……”
“Let’s buy condoms on the way.”
I felt the person walking beside flinch. That person’s steps became noticeably faster. The person who’d gone far ahead looked back. Our eyes met directly, then the gaze moved to Cheon Jaerim. It was a very quick scan. Of course, even I would look back out of curiosity if I heard such a conversation on the street. I hid my face in my scarf, embarrassed.
Amusingly, Cheon Jaerim was the first guest to my studio apartment.
“Can you sleep in a place like this?”
I roughly pushed aside the pajamas I’d shed like a husk. Cheon Jaerim toured the house. But that too didn’t last long. Just turning his head two or three times was enough to finish the tour.
“At least there’s a bed.”
“The landlord gave it to me.”
“Are you a beggar? Using someone else’s used stuff.”
“……”
The mattress with a sunken middle was still useful furniture for me. It was just old when I got it, so when I woke up after sleeping in the middle, my back hurt. I silently stood the low table on its side. Ramen soup that had dripped after boiling ramen was stuck in spots. There was no sofa here. So Cheon Jaerim stood blankly like someone who didn’t know where to sit. I took off my coat. Taking off clothes one by one, I sat on the bed and waited for Cheon Jaerim.
“Are you secretly running an office? You’re fucking natural at this.”
Cheon Jaerim approached from the side. The mattress tilted. Sitting comfortably, he plucked off the fuzz caught on his fingertips. Then he tilted his neck back and looked up at the ceiling. I took my hand off the button I was unbuttoning while looking at Cheon Jaerim’s profile quietly looking up at the ceiling. Thinking he must be looking at the mold stains attached like baduk stones, my head bowed like ripe grain.
“Have you heard of pillow talk litigation?”
“Pillow, what?”
Pillow talk litigation. Cheon Jaerim, who said it again, grabbed my arm and pulled me back. We both flopped backward at the same time. The springs in the old mattress made thud, thud sounds, not fulfilling their role. The face of the guy in a place where sunlight didn’t shine well looked as dry as a cactus standing in the middle of a desert. We both lay with our backs on the bed and looked up at the ceiling side by side. Then Cheon Jaerim looked at me, propped his head, and lay on his side. He started unbuttoning the shirt I’d stopped unbuttoning one by one.
“You’re horny.”
“……”
“Do you think I’m a guy crazy about sex?”
Cheon Jaerim said that while unbuttoning all the buttons down. The inner flesh showed through the split shirt. The more naked I became, the chillier it got. When I tried to get up to turn on the boiler, Cheon Jaerim pressed down on my chest. My body fell back again. Cheon Jaerim started rubbing in circles on top of the white shirt. I could feel my nipple being pressed. Rather than a caress, it was a playful touch.
“Tell me what you want.”
“……”
“Things you want to have or need.”
“……”
“Living in a place like this, you’d get asthma even if you didn’t have it. Should I buy you a house?”
“I don’t need it.”
When I spoke indifferently, Cheon Jaerim licked my lips where dead skin had formed as if coloring them with his tongue.
“Look at this. Being in such a dry place makes the skin peel.”
The lips moistened by Cheon Jaerim’s saliva dried quickly. I stuck out my tongue over it and licked again. Cheon Jaerim sucked stickily over the shirt. The nipple below came up along with the stiff shirt. When I moved, the opening of the white shirt kept spreading. I avoided the hand fumbling at my nape and pulled the collar of the shirt without him noticing. However, Cheon Jaerim stripped off to the side the collar I’d worked to gather. The nipple hiding inside the clothes stuck its head out. I had goosebumps.
“Hyung, should I peel your skin today?”
Cheon Jaerim pulled down the pants zipper. I belatedly realized what that ‘skin’ meant and pushed Cheon Jaerim away. Cheon Jaerim clicked his tongue as if it was regrettable and obediently backed away.
“I don’t want to do it in a place like this either. If we’re naked here, we’ll probably get a skin disease.”
Cheon Jaerim spent the remaining time lying next to me, tormenting me by flicking my nipples like bouncy balls or sucking them like a straw. I stiffened my shoulders as much as they were sucked, and when his hand played tricks as if it would go down or not, my upper body became rigid.
***
The words “see you again” to my juniors weren’t empty words. The place Cheon Jaerim brought his acceptance letter was to the narrow studio apartment where I lived. At that time, I was eating spicy stir-fried cup noodles that were rumored to be hot. I was eating it going “shush shush” because it was so spicy, when Cheon Jaerim appeared and brazenly waved the acceptance letter. Seeing the familiar school logo stamped at the bottom, tears burst out without me knowing. Cheon Jaerim, watching me cry, said “Are you that happy we’re at the same school?” and embraced me plainly. I buried my eyes in his shoulder. My shoulders heaved with bursting sobs. Bright red seasoning stained the shoulder area of the white knit Cheon Jaerim wore.
That place I barely passed with nausea. It was too easy for Cheon Jaerim. While I barely climbed over the wall by climbing a long, winding ladder, he smashed the wall with an enormously sized hammer. I should rather not have been born. I resented the nameless ones who gave birth to me and abandoned me on the dirt ground. That emotion stretched very far. If only the nun hadn’t found me, if only all the people hadn’t given me hope that things would work out.
I poured out tears for a long time in Cheon Jaerim’s arms. Cheon Jaerim was flustered by the sudden tear bomb. The tears didn’t easily stop. So we had to stand in the same place for a very long time. I still felt like I was on a descending escalator, and I also hadn’t recovered the hidden camera I so longed for. Actually, I could say I was pretending to long for it. The things I tried to grasp were flowing away completely. I sat on the mattress with my nose red from crying so much. I didn’t even want to look at that spicy cup noodle.
With this, my safe zone was also completely taken away.
Cheon Jaerim persistently visited where I lived while pouring out curses saying he’d get sick. There was no time or occasion. When sleeping an afternoon nap like hibernating. When eating a late lunch. At bluish dawn. Usually when he came at dawn, he smelled of alcohol. The guy with both cheeks dyed red tried to devour my lips as soon as he arrived.
“Why did you cry so much then?”
Cheon Jaerim asks, burying his nose in my back. I can feel even breathing. I curled my body while hugging the blanket. Cheon Jaerim tightened the arm wrapped around my waist and asked once more.
“I’m asking why you cried.”
“No reason.”
“Then I’ll think whatever I want?”
“……”
“You were happy to be going to the same school as me.”
Euhng. Cheon Jaerim made a pleased nasal sound and kissed my nape. I didn’t say anything. I’d been suffering from tremendous exhaustion since the day Cheon Jaerim showed me the admission notice with our school’s logo stamped on it. Moreover, I remembered what happened during the day today. I went to the website to pay tuition. However, on the bill, the words ‘payment complete’ were already written in red letters. A few days ago, words I’d carelessly let slip to Cheon Jaerim who was excessively demanding ‘pillow talk litigation’ became reality. Suddenly, an unwanted large sum remained intact.
Is this what they call money hardening?
It was an unfamiliar expression to me since I’d never had money harden.
Time flowed quickly. I attended a place where attendance didn’t greatly affect things. The back of the head raising a hand and taking an oath before the president was familiar. I looked at that back like watching a passing airplane. Isn’t Cheon Jaerim substandard for climbing up there?
I heard rumors belatedly. Cheon Jaerim hadn’t bought the school. Rather, it was the complete opposite.
Flaws could never be found in perfection.
Cheon Jaerim, who appeared like a comet, was a big issue. Cheon Jaerim and I were in different departments, but we used the same building. Moreover, our department rooms were on the same floor. I didn’t know it before, but the points of contact with people from the department next door were considerable. So I naturally heard sounds about Cheon Jaerim. The freshmen seemed to follow Cheon Jaerim well, calling him ‘hyung, hyung.’ Cheon Jaerim used his closeness with me as a weapon. He frequently entered the department room where I mainly spent time. People saw Cheon Jaerim coming and going like it was his own house and vacated their seats. It was like a rolling stone pushing out an embedded stone. Most of the kids thought of him as something like a senior’s close younger brother and made a comfortable seat for him.
“Hyung.”
When Cheon Jaerim entered, I could see Soyeon’s face, who had been talking about liberal arts courses in front, stiffen slightly. Since she was a shy kid who lacked courage, I quickly grabbed my bag to take Cheon Jaerim outside.
“Oppa, I have to leave anyway… Talk with him.”
When Soyeon left the department room holding her outerwear, Cheon Jaerim sat on the sofa armrest with an indifferent expression. He gradually leaned his body toward me. I moved seats because it was heavy. Then he wedged in and sat in that gap as if he’d been waiting.
“I guess everyone here calls you oppa. Not knowing you fuck with your bottom hole.”
“Hey!”
I stood up abruptly at the intolerable language.
“…Fix coming in here opening and closing the door. People are uncomfortable.”
“It’s not that you’re uncomfortable?”
Cheon Jaerim suddenly changed his expression. The gentle breeze blowing lightly reversed direction.
“What were you doing last night not answering the phone, fucker?”
I looked around the department room tightly packed with bookshelves on all sides. I worried there might be someone I hadn’t discovered in the corner.
“I’m asking what you were doing where, not answering the phone.”
Cheon Jaerim asked again as if emphasizing one by one. It was a pressing voice.
“Do I have to get permission from you for things like that?”
“I have a cleanliness obsession, so I can’t share holes with others.”
“What?”
“I barely made a beggar-like thing look somewhat like a person.”
Cheon Jaerim stands up straight from the sofa. The sound of old leather sofa skin being pushed came out. In front of Cheon Jaerim, no matter how expensive clothes I wore or how human-like I was, the fact that I was a beggar wouldn’t change.
The dying fluorescent light blinked intermittently above his head. I felt a fleeting mood like lightning striking urgently before thunder. I should have looked carefully from the beginning. I shouldn’t have overlooked Cheon Jaerim who’d been silent all day.
“The professor said he’d buy me a meal. So…”
“Why didn’t you answer the phone while eating?”
“The battery was dead. I just ate at the school entrance.”
“Don’t I need to check?”
“…What check?”
“Whether some fucking bastard stuck it in your hole or not, do I not need to put my finger in to check?”
“Y-you don’t need to.”
“Well… what use would it be to check anyway? If it’s already been pulled out, that’s the end.”
Cheon Jaerim spoke in a reproaching tone, drawing his voice low.
“I’m sorry. I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen next time.”
I lowered my erected tail to the floor. If the situation went in a bad direction, I’d show an unseemly sight to the person opening the door next. I wanted to avoid such a scene by all means.
“Are you sincere?”
“I didn’t even know the phone was dead. I pulled an all-nighter the day before, so I was so sleepy.”
“You slept with me the night before last. You slept really well. Snore snore.”
“…I woke up intermittently.”
When I started babbling incoherently, the guy who’d been looking at me with his head tilted agreed saying “Okay.”
“Thanks.”
But if I put it in later and it’s even slightly loose, you know, right? Cheon Jaerim, who’d uttered embarrassing words to hear, plugged the earphones connected to his phone into his ears with an expression 2% dissatisfied. And he tapped the phone screen while making small humming sounds.
***
If fate is a living being, it must be god’s mischievous son. The MT date was posted on the hallway bulletin board. ‘Mandatory attendance by all members’ was written in font several times larger than other letters. The reason I felt like I’d fallen into a tunnel was because the gathering was held at the same place as Cheon Jaerim’s department. After class ended, Cheon Jaerim approached me in front of the bulletin board. As if he wasn’t even cold, he wore only a thin jacket. Cheon Jaerim muttered quietly.
“If we go there, we’ll play games and stuff?”
“Probably…”
I had no excuse to skip the MT. Cheon Jaerim’s new hobby was interfering in my daily life like an overbearing parent. Going down to the first floor, Cheon Jaerim took out his wallet from his pocket. My gaze naturally went that way. I could see a shiny condom wrapper inside the transparent vinyl. I frowned as if my vision had become blurry. Cheon Jaerim pulled out a check between his fingers.
“I’ll pay if they tell me to.”
“Yeah.”
“And say it’s okay even if they give change.”
“Yeah.”
What a natural action. If others saw, they’d think it was returning money borrowed from me. I was no longer embarrassed by charity given this way. Even my pride that should be hurt seemed to have all worn away. I put the squarely folded check into my outer pocket. It was unimaginable before. If I worked part-time at a convenience store, this was almost three days’ worth of hourly wages, but folding this in half. Opening the glass door, a cutting wind was waiting. When I put my hand in my pocket, I felt cold paper. I headed toward the main gate, touching the folded crease of the check.
