“…What a really strange dream.”
A strange dream. Really, there was no other way to explain it.
Even though I’d clearly woken up from the dream, a dazed feeling remained. I sat blankly, touching my lips, quietly chewing over what Seo Nakil had done just moments ago.
‘He’d rather I get angry at him?’
It was an absurd thing to say. How could I get angry when it was just a dream? No, even if that kiss hadn’t been something accomplished solely in my one-sided imagination, I didn’t think I could have gotten angry at Seo Nakil.
Because that one-sided, momentary kiss somehow felt a little desperate. Because your expression, seen through narrowly opened eyes, somehow looked sad…
“…Hyung.”
“…”
“Ijae hyung!”
At the call that came right up to my nose, I startled awake from my thoughts. Kang Subin was sitting by the bedside, having come in at some point.
“What are you thinking about so hard? Sitting there in a daze. I knocked several times and kept calling your name.”
“Sorry. I just, um, I guess I’m not fully awake yet.”
“You need to eat breakfast and move. Today’s the day we’re recording the special video, so we decided to all move together.”
That’s right. It was the day all of Starium would gather to do vocal recordings in preparation for the concert. I nodded my head and quickly got up. Somehow I felt heavier than usual, like my feet were dragging.
When I went out to the living room, Min Seungwoo looked at me and frowned slightly.
“What’s wrong with your face?”
“…My face?”
“Is it because it’s morning? Do you want to eat something before we leave?”
It seemed to mean I looked lacking in energy. Even though he was already dressed to go out, he headed to the kitchen regardless, and I hurriedly waved my hands in panic.
“No, no. I’m fine. I’ll get ready and come out quickly.”
But Min Seungwoo’s expression didn’t improve much.
“I’ll at least put some tea in a tumbler for you, so drink it first. Your voice sounds a bit hoarse.”
“I’m fi…”
“Because you might not be fine, listen to me. Got it?”
At the roughly-formed worry, I could only nod awkwardly with a smile.
In the end, I went down with the tumbler Min Seungwoo handed me. The whole time we moved in the van, the sharp ginger scent tickled my nose.
It wasn’t a scent I liked, but still, I eventually emptied the cup cleanly.
Despite the ginger tea Min Seungwoo had brewed, my throat condition grew progressively worse. At first it just felt a bit scratchy, but by the time the morning was nearly over, I even felt throbbing pain in my tonsils.
As the pain continued, my vocals wavering was an inevitable progression. Eventually, Min Seungwoo, who had been sitting outside the recording booth, turned on the microphone.
“Ijae-ya. Can’t you raise the key?”
“…”
“This is a part that needs to be done live at the concert. If you’re struggling here when you’ll have to sing while running, that’s a problem.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Being sorry is one thing, but if you don’t think you can do it, say so quickly. If changing parts is faster, we need to review it.”
I was about to say it was just particularly hard because of my condition, and it would get better with practice. A sarcastic voice came through the headphones.
“Let’s just change it now? It was a barely-there part even during practice, so rather than getting criticized later for looking shabby, it’s better to change it now, right?”
“…”
“That’s why I kept saying I’d do this part. My vocal range fits too.”
I glanced at the owner of the displeased gaze.
Park Yul. From ‘For Stadium’ ranked 7th, he was the lead vocal in Starium.
‘He often got angry about not being treated as the main vocal.’
I recalled that he was even more dissatisfied because I, who had ranked lower than him, not only became the main vocal but also monopolized the chorus and bridge that he’d been quite greedy for.
“Ey. But still, Ijae hyung doing the bridge here is the best, right? It suits him well too, and honestly it’s almost a cappella, so it needs to be sung clearly and accurately.”
“Our maknae is talking really weird, isn’t he? Is only Han Ijae a singer? Who here can’t sing accurately? And right now he’s off-pitch too.”
“Why does Yul hyung always have to twist words like that?”
“Twisted? Not really. That’s how I hear it too.”
Kwon Seonho, who had been looking at me unfavorably all along, perhaps because of yesterday’s conversation, nastily chimed in.
“Isn’t it true that Han Ijae got loose after collapsing or whatever? Losing his initial determination and getting all soft right after the first album activities ended is annoying, honestly.”
“Everyone, that’s enough.”
Min Seungwoo intervened again.
“Let’s rest a bit. Take a 10-minute break, and Ijae, you’re staying to record more vocals for this part.”
On his way out, Kang Subin patted my shoulder and whispered comfortingly.
“Your condition must not be good. You’re still adjusting, right? Once your throat loosens up, Yul hyung won’t be irritated either, so cheer up.”
“…Yeah, thanks.”
I replied with an awkward smile.
Even if I did it perfectly, Park Yul wouldn’t come to like me. In my past life too, I’d tried hard to look good to Park Yul, but what came back was unchanging cold treatment.
‘He’s someone who has no intention of being persuaded.’
He was someone full of thoughts of hating me no matter what I did. I now know it’s better to avoid him appropriately and stay out of sight rather than struggle alone and get hurt.
In the end, I stayed behind even after the group recording ended. Because it was a schedule that had to be handed over to the AR team by today, I couldn’t postpone it any further. Not satisfied with just that, I even checked by singing through the songs on the concert setlist once more each.
Even though Kwon Seonho’s words were annoying, they weren’t completely wrong. Overwork was common for idols, and losing memory or collapsing wouldn’t serve as an indulgence forever.
Whatever it was, I’d chosen to go up on the concert stage. Then I had to do my best. Unless I was withdrawing and disappearing right away—but I’d ended up filming <The Marsh Where the Moon Sets> afterward.
‘If I don’t finish properly, there’ll be talk that I abandoned the group to switch to being an actor.’
Beyond my personal dishonor, it was something that would cause noise for the work too. I wanted to show a good image, if only to show minimum courtesy to the people who recommended me.
As if my intentions got through, Min Seungwoo also helped with directing by my side until late. We re-recorded to a satisfactory level, checked the overall vocals together, then took the revised version and resubmitted it to the AR team.
“It’s fascinating when you watch.”
Late at night on our way back to the dorm, my head turned at Min Seungwoo’s words.
“I thought you’d just withdraw while you were at it after collapsing. Since album activities had just ended too.”
“Because I lost my memory?”
“That too, but.”
He shrugged his shoulders, thinking about something carefully.
“You looked precarious. Should I say you looked taut, like it wouldn’t be strange if you snapped at any moment? So when I heard you’d collapsed and been taken to the hospital, I thought what was coming had finally come.”
“…”
“Losing just the memories of recent years specifically—I thought maybe it was because activities continuing from For Stadium were too difficult. Actually, when you opened your eyes, you…”
Min Seungwoo hesitated, then said.
“…You looked like you wanted to quit.”
I couldn’t deny it. Though collapsing from malnutrition wasn’t the only cause, anyway I was exhausted and wanted to quit anything right away. I’d actually run away like that, but ended up dropped in front of hell’s gate again, so I was even disheartened.
I thought for a moment, then answered honestly. Because I was confident that whatever I said, Min Seungwoo wouldn’t arbitrarily tell others.
“I wanted to quit. I also thought it coincidentally became a pretty decent opportunity.”
“…”
“But… things didn’t all work out as I wanted. The situation got a bit tangled too. So I decided to at least prepare hard until the concert.”
The biggest reason was to part with Cosmos Entertainment with as little noise as possible, but that wasn’t the only reason.
“Not just the members, but the fans are also looking forward to the concert a lot, right? The disappointment must have been big both inside and outside the group. After struggling for a year, you’re only just seeing the light. It’s everyone’s dream, so I wanted to show at least a minimum sense of responsibility.”
“Sense of responsibility…”
Min Seungwoo quietly chewed over my words.
“Ijae-ya.”
At his call, my steps stopped short.
“Is being an idol no longer your dream?”
