“…I’m not sure.”
I’d answered as honestly as I could, but after saying it, I worried it might have sounded like a half-hearted response. After clearing my throat softly, I added.
“It’s something I like. Of course, each and every one of these opportunities is precious to me too. I enjoy working hard, and I want to do better.”
At Min Seungwoo’s seemingly puzzled gaze, I smiled faintly.
“But the word ‘dream’ seems a bit too much for me.”
“Too much.”
“I just, as I lived, I came to realize. You need qualifications even to dream.”
Two years after debut. During that time when I slowly drowned, unable to bear the weight of life, I couldn’t help but realize how much you needed to have for a dream.
In my life where nothing was allowed, where I only lost instead of gaining, how unrealistically luxurious a thing was a dream?
“So… even though I can do my best, I don’t think I can dream comfortably.”
The answer that came back was unexpected.
“Then what about dreams other than being an idol?”
“…”
“Like you said, Starium activities might not be comfortable anymore. So you might only exercise the minimum sense of responsibility.”
Min Seungwoo’s calm voice continued.
“If so, then you could dream other dreams too, right? Even if not Starium. Even if you leave the entertainment industry entirely.”
It sounded like he was saying being an idol couldn’t be my whole life, and at the same time, it sounded like a reminder that being an idol shouldn’t be my whole life.
“Like you said, Ijae, maybe you do need qualifications to dream. But even if that’s true, it’s not like you don’t have qualifications.”
At my gaze looking somewhat surprised, Min Seungwoo showed a faint smile.
“Because you’re a good person.”
“…”
“I’ve wanted to tell you this all along. That you’re a better kid than you appear, and better than you judge yourself to be.”
“…Seungwoo hyung.”
“And working hard is good, but resting is just as important.”
He began to walk again.
“Go to bed early today. So your condition doesn’t get worse.”
I followed him, bowing my head deeply then tilting it back slightly, and secretly swallowed a sigh.
It was really fortunate that the surroundings were dark. Thanks to that, my reddened eyes wouldn’t be caught.
The rough comfort was clearly warm, yet it stung somewhere, so I had to toss and turn all night while holding that conversation to my chest.
* * *
There was one fortunate thing and one unfortunate thing.
The fortunate thing was that yesterday’s recording results were good enough to convince not only the AR team but also the other members. Even Park Yul, who had been complaining at every turn, no longer talked about changing parts, which meant I’d passed not only in sincerity but also in skill.
And the unfortunate thing was that as the price for overdoing it, I ended up catching a seasonal cold.
‘At least I’m fortunate to be able to skip practice today…’
As if mocking my complacency in thinking I’d be fine after sleeping, my fever didn’t drop all day. Because of that, I had to ask Min Seungwoo’s understanding and obediently stay in bed.
Only in the late afternoon did enough strength return for me to manage my body. Touching my throbbing throat, I quickly picked up my phone vibrating by my bedside.
Was it because I’d been alone in my room all day, or was my heart getting soft from the lingering low fever? Seo Nakil’s contact that flew in around sunset felt particularly welcome.
“Bae-u-nim.”
What came back was Seo Nakil’s voice mixed with worry, and even sounding quite serious.
—Were you crying?
“…What?”
—Did that bastard make you cry again?
I sat there blankly, not immediately understanding his words, and only after coughing softly did I realize the exact context of the conversation.
“No, it’s not that. My voice is like this because of a cold…”
—A cold.
“I guess it’s because of the changing season. There’s also the fact that I strained it doing vocal recordings late last night.”
I quickly added that I’d rested from practice today, but he didn’t seem very reassured.
—Don’t overdo it.
“This much isn’t overdoing it.”
—Your bar for overdoing it seems too high.
“…”
—Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?
“Well…”
I needed a little time to choose the most acceptable answer among various reasons.
“I thought you’d be busy.”
—No matter how much work I have, wouldn’t I have time to worry about you?
It sounded like he was saying to give him room to worry. My ears, where his words soaked in, tickled pleasantly.
Seo Nakil’s existence is like magic. Appearing at the most hopeless moments, he casually reaches out and pulls me in, taking me to places I’d never even imagined. He cherishes me as if it’s natural and sometimes thinks about my future more seriously than I do.
Lying in a small room having trivial conversations with him, I even felt loved in a very ordinary and common way.
So, such words suddenly slipped through my lips.
“I think Bae-u-nim must be very popular.”
—Wouldn’t it be troublesome if I wasn’t? I’m a celebrity.
“No, I don’t mean it that way. I meant you must be popular in a romantic sense.”
—In a romantic sense… ah.
He laughed softly, belatedly understanding my meaning.
—Not really.
“Really? But even though you’re this kind.”
—Because I’m not this kind to other people.
It sounded like he was saying this kindness was allowed only to me.
No words came out of my grinning lips. Because I’d struggled to swallow what had been dangling on the tip of my tongue.
I wanted to ask why. But at the same time, I didn’t want to ask why. I felt like if I heard why this kindness was unique, it would become irreversible.
I was still acting cowardly toward Seo Nakil. Using the reason that not running away from all this was the best option. Hiding behind the excuse that his feelings were probably greater and deeper than I could gauge or imagine.
If there was one fortunate thing, it was that my only safe zone was kind enough not to blame me for being like this.
As the silence grew long, Seo Nakil naturally changed the topic for my awkward sake.
—How’s concert preparation going? Is it worth the hardship?
“More than enough.”
I answered in a voice tinged with laughter.
“It’s hard, but I’m enjoying it even more than that. It’s true that I tried to quit because it seemed too daunting… but now I also think I’m fortunate to somehow be able to do the concert.”
—That’s a generous evaluation. Even though you strained your voice like this from overdoing it during the seasonal change.
“Ahaha. Anyway, I’m trying hard in various ways because I want to do well. I’m more nervous because it’s been so long since I’ve been on stage. I need to make sure I don’t make mistakes.”
—You’re diligent. Even looking favorably at it, I wonder if you’ve even rested two weeks.
At Seo Nakil’s point, I flinched. To my perception, it felt like a year had passed since I’d been on stage, but that was because I felt that way from having gone back in time.
“…Two weeks felt like two years.”
What kind of random thing is that to say, I said with slight tension, but unexpectedly he laughed softly as if sympathizing with my words.
—That’s right. It felt like two years.
“…”
—Are you tired by any chance?
“No. Maybe because I slept all day, I’m better than I thought. Why?”
—Some work came to mind, but rest for a bit.
It seemed to mean he’d contact me again after finishing work. I said I understood and spent time flipping through a book by my bedside. My body still felt heavy and uncomfortable, but thanks to resting all day, my condition didn’t seem that bad.
A little over an hour later, Seo Nakil called.
—Come down for a moment.
“What?”
—It’ll take about 20 minutes to arrive. I thought you’d be less surprised if I gave you time to prepare.
“…What?”
It was truly a bolt from the blue. I literally sat up as if bouncing from the bed.
“You, Bae-u-nim? At our dorm? Now? …Why?”
—Don’t you want to meet? Or is it difficult perhaps?
“No, no. It’s not that. That’s not it…”
—Then let’s meet for a bit.
I washed my body that had become damp with cold sweat and changed into fresh clothes. I rushed out of the dorm without even remembering to bring a coat.
Even the time waiting for the elevator was anxious. Even though not even half of the promised 20 minutes had passed yet. In the end, unable to endure the lazily dawdling numbers on the screen, I ran down the stairs.
Basement level 1, where I arrived gasping for breath. The underground parking lot where people’s footsteps rarely reached.
Seo Nakil was waiting for me there.
