The dark night road scattered like mist over water. Rubens, who had parked the car in the mansion’s garage, said nothing except the notice to get out. As Bernard stared blankly at the closed garage door, the smell of cigarettes came from somewhere.
Whether there was a sensor attached, the lights inside the garage kept turning off and on repeatedly. When the lights went out, Rubens’s cigarette ember was the only light inside. Bernard, who had been examining for a long time the smooth jawline fully revealed under the light or the deeply shadowed eye sockets, swallowed a bitter smile. Because he felt utterly worthless.
“The ring… I wore it because I wanted to try it on……”
The opening fell without warning. Bernard’s fingertips twitched. Grayish smoke scattered into the air. A dry cough tickled his lungs, but Bernard pressed his tongue flat down and inhaled, trying not to break the silence. Somehow, a strong impression was imprinted in his mind that he shouldn’t disturb him right now.
“Wear it.”
After a brief gap, Rubens’s dropped tone was quite clear. His blue eyes in the darkness somehow felt like they were searching.
“Why?”
At the reflexive question back, Rubens’s eyes, which had been persistently staring at the dark green pupils, curved slightly.
“…Because I want to see you like that.”
He muttered in an ambiguous tone, whether it was an order or talking to himself, and stubbed out his cigarette against the wall. Faint cigarette ash marks remained on the wall.
What Bernard knew about Rubens Hurt was only extremely objective facts. But now he felt like he’d stolen a glimpse of his fragmentary inner thoughts. Bernard’s lungs kept feeling itchy somehow. He thought if he let go of his tension, he might burst out into a messy sneeze. His chest churned. Continuously.
“Let’s go up.”
Rubens led the way up the stairs. Bernard felt like he was slowly emerging from water as he climbed the old but well-maintained wooden stairs. Each step felt heavy.
A faint smell of cigarettes came from Rubens’s back. Before getting in the car, he’d seemed somewhat irritable, but after smoking a cigarette in the garage, he seemed like someone who’d blown away all those thoughts. Even after climbing all the stairs, he quietly waited for Bernard. Even though Bernard slowly stepped up the stairs one step at a time, he didn’t rush him and stared intently at his face. An uneasy tension crept up Bernard’s back.
“Unless you straighten your shoulders and fix your hunched back, you’ll always be so unseemly.”
It was a harsh evaluation. However, Bernard didn’t particularly deny those words. He was someone who had always wished to be excluded from many moments, living his best to erase his own presence. So it wasn’t strange that his posture had hardened that way.
“If it were Elliot, he would have walked up almost skipping and smiled……”
Rubens looked at Bernard for a long time, and Bernard also stood still at the top of the stairs, unable to move as if skewered by his gaze.
“……Shall I smile?”
Whether it was a stupid question, Rubens’s face distorted slightly. The subtle atmosphere went askew, but it was necessary for Bernard. He didn’t want to fall into strange sentiments at a place he’d come to pay compensation. Bernard’s heart beat slightly faster, out of rhythm. He didn’t want to prolong such moments any more than possible.
“Come into the bedroom. Prepare to undress too.”
“E-Elliot will be waiting.”
Bernard, gripping the stair railing with his good hand, opened his mouth with difficulty. It was a pathetic excuse. The man must have thought so too. There was no big change in Rubens’s expression. As if he’d heard something very old-fashioned, they just made eye contact like that, then he turned around. The lack of additional words brought Bernard even more shame.
Here, Bernard might be able to kick everything away and run out. He might be able to firmly refuse and say he’d report it. But even so…… what would change?
Bernard hesitantly followed behind the man. Lights began to turn on one by one in the dark interior, and the place felt like a bright swamp. It seemed like a place to enter in order to sink. One door toward the still dim room was half open.
The fluorescent light was divided in a precise line with the door as the boundary. He watched from in front of the door as Rubens entered inside. The man stood inside waiting for Bernard.
“I……”
His eyes blinked rapidly. It was an action he consciously performed when tears were about to come out.
“Am I that repulsive?”
This question wasn’t so new. Still, he wanted to ask. Whether he was so irritating and nauseating that he wanted to torment him into such a mess. So…… the question of whether he wanted to drive him this far rose bubbling to his throat.
But Rubens was silent again. He just stood quietly waiting for Bernard to enter the room. Bernard smiled a little. It was a smile close to resignation. He was weak to violence, and he recalled what he should love. It was nothing much. What he should prioritize had always been only one thing.
Elliot Weil. My beloved twin brother.
The person he had a one-sided love for loved his brother. He hadn’t expected from the beginning that their hearts could connect. Hadn’t he been taught from childhood that he should do anything for Elliot’s complete happiness? This was what should be done, what must be done…… Bernard Weil’s one and only value.
The jacket dropped to the floor with a thud. He had to twist his body slightly to pull out the left sleeve, but thanks to the generous fit, it wasn’t difficult. Before doing the next thing, he had to take several deep breaths. The buttons came undone with clicks. Having managed to undo the buttons with one hand, he looked at Rubens with his disheveled front open, like someone who knew no shame.
Wet eyes again. However, Rubens didn’t stop him. Rather, he seemed to be urging him on. Thanks to that, Bernard’s shirt was soon completely unfastened, and his white skin was revealed under the complete light. A body mottled with scars couldn’t be said to look good even as an empty compliment. Rubens exhaled a long breath. He slightly regretted that a cigarette wasn’t held between his teeth. Strangely, his throat burned.
Bernard standing with his shirt front completely unfastened also felt like something that would break soon if touched. When Rubens grabbed his right wrist, whether grip strength was applied unconsciously, Bernard’s face naturally frowned. Before Bernard could take any action, he pulled him into the dark room.
Even as Bernard was pushed onto the bed and tumbled over, there wasn’t even a scream. Rubens pressed down strongly on his shoulders, mounted on top of him, and let out breathing sounds like scratching his throat like an animal. Bernard felt his chest was too stiff. Whether it was because of his weight or psychological pressure was difficult to distinguish.
“……Damn glasses.”
The temple scratched his cheek. Worried about the glasses rolling on the floor, Bernard reflexively tried to raise his upper body but was blocked by his grip strength.
“You asked if you’re repulsive.”
His blue eyes were bright even in the darkness. Bernard was completely buried in the soft bed but couldn’t feel an inch of comfort. So it was rather fortunate.
“……I should be repulsive.”
It was a self-deprecating voice. Under the pouring weight, Bernard rather closed his eyes. The hand touching his skin felt cold.
He was afraid those eyes might overlap with that night of the graduation ceremony. Though it couldn’t be, feeling the remnants of truly worthless emotions breathing below his chest, Bernard released the strength from his body. He was repulsed by himself for harboring faint expectations even in such a moment. He kept becoming weak before those eyes.
He wished he could be crumpled up. Himself, and even all these emotions.
***
Perhaps he should consider it fortunate that the room lights were off. Bernard turned his head as if avoiding the gaze of the man mounted on top of him persistently looking down at him. Even with his left hand broken into a mess, he wanted to deny his own churning emotions.
“Are you crying again?”
Light faintly came over from beyond the unclosed door. Rubens had gouged out his heart but didn’t actually take any action. So ambiguous expectations kept raising their heads in Bernard’s chest. The expectation that he might send him back like this.
Knowing that if things went wrong he’d pour out all kinds of mean words and shove him into the mud, Bernard…… kept recalling that night at the hotel. Those eyes that looked at him like a lovable object, and that voice that sweetly whispered that if he liked that night, he’d seek him out, kept……
When there was no answer, Rubens didn’t speak anymore. He felt around the tear-stained eyes, then lowered his head and kissed Bernard’s lips. It was a very affectionate kiss for someone who had said he should be repulsive. The moment when skin brushed and cheeks touched was always one of the moments when Bernard’s wretchedness was maximized.
A thick tongue filled his mouth completely and strength was added to Rubens’s hands that had been holding his shoulders. A sharp pain came, but Bernard just gripped the bedding. His breath rose rapidly. The tongue that traced his teeth soothingly stroked and intertwined with his stiffened tongue. When the tongue was pressed between his teeth, his face flushed red as a moaning sound escaped without him knowing.
He’d never once gotten used to breathing while kissing. Enduring the weight pouring down breathlessly, Bernard tried to suppress the impulse to embrace his neck. Every time the wet sound reached his ears, it felt like his heart was shrinking.
“You’re still crying.”
At those words, Bernard gasped for breath and carefully looked up at him, but Rubens’s expression looked even more ambiguous in the dark place. He didn’t seem angry. But just a moment ago…… hadn’t he acted like an angry person?
Unable to grasp it, his wet lips twitched then closed tightly. Unable to follow that fickleness, Bernard was only confused. He didn’t know if he thought Bernard’s behavior was some kind of expression of intention, but Rubens only looked down at Bernard for a long time.
“Smile.”
It was nonsense. However, Bernard obediently tried to smile as he was told. The corners of his mouth trembled. Tears gathered at his eyes rolled down his temples. Even though tears hadn’t pooled in his ears, Rubens’s breathing sounded muffled.
Rubens looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t open his mouth. He pushed his hand between Bernard’s unbuttoned shirt and stroked the coldly cooled skin. Every time the firm hand swept over the delicate skin, Bernard’s shoulders flinched.
When he first slept with Rubens, he had kissed him affectionately. He stroked his hair, held both cheeks and said his eyes were pretty. He caressed his shoulders, removed his clothes, and rubbed his lower back. Then he buried his face in his chest, sucked on his nipples, and let out breathing sounds heated with excitement.
But nothing resembled now. He saved his words while feeling Bernard’s skin with his palm like someone wanting to confirm something. Bernard felt fear surge up suddenly—could this man be…… recalling that night? He mustn’t remind him of anything. Then what should he do? To act completely different from that night……
“Hurry… please put it in quickly.”
As he’d learned from him, wasn’t this the only method, acting like a cheap whore?
