Rubens’ blue eyes deepened. He only watched Bernard making choking sounds. Even if he watched him die like this, there would be no real problem for him. Even if Bernard were to die, Rubens had the power to bury all of this as an accident.
“Ha.”
However, a subtle self-mockery crossed Rubens’ face. He hadn’t wanted to admit before that he was attracted to this shabby figure who had nothing appealing about him. Should he just leave him like this? Such a thought crossed his mind momentarily. But…
The hand that had gripped his shoulder loosened. There was no hesitation. Rubens bowed his head and found the dry lips. The cracked and split lips couldn’t be called smooth even as an empty compliment. While kissing those lips, he examined Bernard’s face thoroughly. Like someone expecting something. Without even recognizing it himself.
The thick glasses were pressed against his cheek, one arm awkwardly caught on his ear. Bernard weakly grabbed Rubens’ sleeve with his flailing hand. The glasses fell onto his thigh and breath was swallowed. Rubens’ complexion, stealing away hot breath, was somehow dark. However, Bernard, not noticing anything, was busy receiving the surging force.
The hand firmly pressing down on his thigh, another hand holding the back of his head to prevent him from escaping. And the tongue that swallowed even leaking saliva and felt around the tender flesh inside his mouth… Because of the thick tongue filling his mouth, his breath was completely blocked. His labored breathing was controlled beneath the man’s breath. An intense suffering that made his limbs tremble violently… and a faint pleasure spread tingling to his fingertips.
“Ha… ugh…”
“Endure it.”
However, it was Rubens who said that with a tone of enduring something.
Bernard’s ragged, idle breathing began to find its place around the time his hand climbed up to Rubens’ shoulder. Perhaps because force was strongly applied to the hand holding his shoulder, even his nails were pale and trembling. Only then did Rubens finally withdraw his head. Bernard’s lips were still swollen, but unlike before, they were wet.
It felt like heat had filled him to the point where even his head tingled. Focus returned faintly to Bernard’s eyes. With a dazed face and panting breath, he didn’t seem in his right mind yet, but it was still more stable breathing than before. His thin chest rose and fell busily.
“Th-thank you…”
He didn’t seem to have properly grasped the situation, but seeing him awkwardly express thanks, his mind seemed to have returned. However, Rubens only stared at him intently without any reaction. He seemed to be searching for something, and Bernard’s tense shoulders only curled inward unnecessarily. In the cold silence, the faint pleasure completely hid below his stomach.
“Seeing it in the dark, it’s just green.”
Though it was a murmur to himself, Bernard seemed to know what it meant. Tension slowly climbed up his back. He regained a sense of reality as if cold water had been poured over his head. It felt like even his fine hairs stood on end. Bernard, who had even forgotten he’d dropped his glasses, gripped the seatbelt and lowered his gaze. He didn’t know what Rubens thought of his appearance trying to look natural, but he remained silent. Bernard gradually became anxious. The thought that he had to do something surged up.
“N-no. Right now, because of the streetlight… it must lo-look like that.”
“Is that so?”
What Rubens remembered about that night was fewer things than expected. The fact that he’d had sex that didn’t match his taste but was very satisfying, the place where he’d rented out an entire hotel for the college graduation party, and the fact that the eyes looking down at him while mounted on top were green. And his own desire to see that face once more, and a few words the partner had said.
When searching for that night’s partner, everyone agreed it must be Elliot Weil. Because of the impression and features he’d glimpsed in the dark night and the clearly visible green eyes, he was confident it must be the older of the twins.
However, Rubens sometimes had to recall a subtle discomfort when he remembered that time. He felt the green eyes he had seen were a somewhat darker color… such thoughts that the hand holding him seemed to tremble faintly in the darkness. He always received a foggy impression but never became certain. He investigated more definite traces, but everything clearly pointed to Elliot.
Bernard felt like all the organs in his body were being crushed with tension. This won’t do. It would be no good for Rubens to ruminate over the night of graduation. For Elliot’s happiness, he couldn’t allow even a shred of suspicion that the night’s partner might have been him. Bernard urgently opened his mouth.
“I saw the ring you gave Elliot.”
“Ah. Doesn’t it suit him well?”
Though the roundabout way of speaking was obvious, Rubens obligingly responded to the conversation. Bernard stared blankly at the lights beyond the car window. The light spread. The streetlights blurred on the dark road, and he wondered why, but it was just because moisture had pooled in his eyes.
Elliot’s happiness had to be eternal. It was a product of family education close to brainwashing, and a swamp Bernard had yet to escape from. Bernard had to make constant efforts not to shed tears.
The car stayed parked on the roadside a bit longer. Rubens, not knowing what emotions Bernard was immersed in, started the engine. The car began to move silently.
“Crying won’t change anything.”
“…I know.”
Tears finally flowed down his pale cheeks. Sometimes streetlight reflected on the tear tracks, making them look like star trails. Rubens discarded the sentiment that momentarily arose as ridiculous and kept his gaze ahead.
“I know that well… even without you saying it.”
Bernard admired Rubens. A life different from his own, and a person who seemed perfect. And the kindness that man had shown was deeply embedded in his heart.
“It suits you.”
Moments came to mind when he would act as if despising Bernard, then inexplicably soften affectionately. Like the hand that interlaced fingers even while driving Bernard to cry and cling, or the appearance of kissing the finger with the ring, saying the ring suited him well. And going further back in time, the figure who had helped at an unfamiliar party. And the graduation party, the words that if he liked that night, he would come looking for him.
He repeatedly tempered Bernard. He was mean, then kind at some point, drove him on, then cooled again. When by his side, unable to match his mood, Bernard repeatedly idled. Yet strangely, he also felt stability in such things. Because Bernard was always more familiar with situations that didn’t go as intended and relationships that were willful.
So his plan was to like him just a little more alone in this relationship, then return with his heart in shambles. While doing what he had to do for Elliot, he intended to completely sort out his remaining feelings. He had never even harbored the expectation that he could fit between Elliot and Rubens anyway.
“Think about loving me. Not about withdrawing.”
But what if this man never let go? Then what should he do… As the car’s speed gradually increased, the scenery outside the window was also passing by faster.
“Your hand…”
“…I’m sorry. I’ll always wear the ring from now on.”
It was a topic where Rubens’ emotions had overtaken reason. Bernard cut him off and interjected urgently. Though his voice was still damp, the hyperventilation symptoms from just before seemed unlikely to return. Rubens, not seeming displeased that his words were cut off, focused only on driving.
“I’ll keep it in mind.”
Even at Bernard’s careful addition, Rubens didn’t answer. Rubens briefly mulled over what he had wanted to say. Then realizing what he had been about to say, he let out a hollow laugh. He had wanted to ask Bernard if he was okay now. Whether Bernard, who flinched at even small sounds, was reading his complexion or not, Rubens cared more about his own rock-bottom mood.
“Are you going to show you’re in a bad mood like that? Smile.”
Without even looking, Rubens spoke as if he had eyes on the side too. Bernard’s eyes blinked a couple of times. However, he obediently drew an awkward smile. The way his eyes curved slightly and the corners of his mouth lifted made him seem like someone who had never properly smiled in their life.
“Unlike Elliot, what a pathetic sight.”
At the cold evaluation, Bernard’s mouth stiffened. Rubens still seemed lost in thought. The car’s headlights illuminated and cut through the dark street. Now roads fairly familiar to Bernard began to appear.
“Elliot is different from you.”
Tendons stood out on the back of Rubens’ hand gripping the steering wheel. Bernard tried hard to act like someone who hadn’t noticed anything. When he tried to smile as he’d been told, his tense cheek twitched faintly. Rubens seemed to have reached some conclusion. Bernard hoped it would be in a positive direction for Elliot.
“Of course. Elliot… can’t even be compared to someone like me.”
The damp voice sank very low. Like the deep sea. Bernard’s tears soaked his already drenched clothes. Because of the cast on his left hand, he wanted to hide the ring worn instead on his right hand. It was too excessive a ring for compensation.
