As soon as Seojun pulled his body away from Soohyun, Soohyun curled up his body like a shrimp and clutched his chest with both hands. His chest felt tight. It was hard to breathe. His own voice couldn’t even be heard, covered by the tinnitus ringing in his ears.
“Soohyun-ssi! Soohyun-ssi!!”
Only then did Seojun seem to come to his senses and called Soohyun’s name several times. But Soohyun couldn’t hear anything. Seojun hurriedly got up and rummaged through Soohyun’s bag, pulled out a familiar medicine bottle from inside, and shoved the medicine into his mouth.
“Soohyun-ssi!”
“Kuk— Kkeuk—”
Soohyun’s vision blurred. He hadn’t had this kind of seizure in a while. Of all times, he had to show such an ugly sight in front of Seojun again…. Soohyun tried to hold onto his fading consciousness, but eventually lost consciousness.
* * *
‘What… what have I done? No matter what, I shouldn’t have done that to Soohyun-ssi….’
Seojun laid the unconscious Soohyun, who seemed to be sleeping, on the bed and sat beside him. He wanted to take him to the hospital, but with paparazzi and reporters spread all around the house, it was nearly impossible to go outside with him. And he couldn’t ask for Jinwoo’s help since Jinwoo didn’t know that Soohyun and he were living together.
Seojun was covering his face with both hands when he discovered Soohyun’s disheveled bag and got up.
‘Why is there… nothing in here….’
Because Soohyun had packed so little, and because nothing he’d bought for him was in there, Seojun felt hurt. Did he think there was no need to take what he’d given him….
Ever since hearing that story from Seokhyeon, his rationality had been on edge. That’s why he’d poured out questions that cornered Soohyun. Soohyun said it wasn’t true, but that alone wasn’t enough for Seojun. He needed something definite…. But Soohyun just said it wasn’t true and gave him no excuses or explanations.
‘Still, I went too far. Soohyun-ssi is… sick….’
Because he’d looked so well recently, Seojun had momentarily forgotten that he was a sick person. He’d had a seizure before due to his forceful attitude. Looking at him breathing shallowly with a pale face, Seojun hung his head.
“Soohyun-ssi, open your eyes.”
“Mm… mmm….”
Soohyun’s eyelids moved slowly. At the end of his hazy vision, he saw a familiar and welcome face. It seemed like he’d had a very bad dream…. Soohyun slowly sat up.
“Soohyun-ssi, I… I’m sorry….”
“That’s enough. Choi Seojun-ssi.”
Soohyun’s voice sank low. Turning his head, Soohyun didn’t even try to look at Seojun’s face.
“Soohyun-ssi….”
“…I’m tired. I want to rest, so could you please leave?”
Seojun tried to grab Soohyun’s hand, but Soohyun avoided him. His fingertips were still trembling. The terrible sensation of when he tried to forcibly violate him remained all over his body.
“Soohyun-ssi. I’m sorry. Earlier, I….”
Soohyun reorganized the bag on the floor, leaving Seojun with his head hung behind him. He flinched briefly when his hand caught on a document envelope, but it seemed Seojun hadn’t seen it yet. What he had tried to do to him was something Soohyun absolutely couldn’t accept. Seeing him regretting it, unlike Seokhyeon, Soohyun’s heart wavered for a moment, but he thought it worked out well instead.
Because a pretty decent excuse to leave his side had been created.
“Earlier I wasn’t in my right mind! Director Jang Seokhyeon said such strange things… things that don’t make sense…. I came home to ask you directly, Soohyun-ssi….”
“…Choi Seojun-ssi.”
“Yes?”
Soohyun’s gaze, which had been directed at the floor, turned to Seojun’s face. Soohyun wavered very briefly at his frightened face, but steeled his heart. There was something he had to say. For himself and for him.
“I told you it wasn’t like that.”
“Soohyun-ssi, but….”
“I said it wasn’t, but you didn’t believe me, Seojun-ssi. It doesn’t seem like you would have believed me no matter what I said. It seems you already came home with your mind made up.”
“No, no! I!!”
Seojun’s voice became urgent. But Soohyun steeled his heart even more firmly. He continued speaking with his eyes and voice cooled.
“I want to leave today, but it’s not easy after a seizure. I’ll leave tomorrow.”
“Soohyun-ssi! You just have to tell me! How did we come this far!”
“Choi Seojun-ssi. What kind of relationship do we have?”
“…What?”
Though it was undoubtedly words that would scratch at his heart, Soohyun had already made up his mind. Why hadn’t he realized sooner that there was no place in this world where he could stay comfortably anyway?
“We have no relationship. If we must say, we’re in an employee and employer relationship.”
“How can you say such things! Soohyun-ssi!”
Seojun shouted with a pitiful face, but Soohyun only let out a long breath.
“Can Choi Seojun-ssi proudly introduce me to the world as your lover?”
“So, Soohyun-ssi.”
“It’s better to end a fleeting amusement at this point. Choi Seojun-ssi.”
Though it was clearly indoors and the window hadn’t been opened, a cold wind blew through the room. Soohyun left the room, leaving Seojun behind. He pressed his face firmly with his palms, feeling like the face he’d tried so hard to harden would crumble.
It felt like he’d been dreaming a very long, sweet dream and returned to reality again.
* * *
‘Where should I go?’
For the first time since entering Seojun’s house, Soohyun lay alone in the small room and couldn’t sleep a wink all night. What should he do from now on, where should he go…. Though it was natural that he had to leave Seojun’s side, Soohyun, who had nothing, far too nothing, couldn’t even decide on a place to stay immediately.
Still, he’d come outside trying to hold onto a little hope, but life, as if to mock him, pushed Soohyun back into a corner again. As if to say you have nowhere left to go now….
“……”
Soohyun fiddled with the cell phone in his hand with a tired face. There was only one person who could help him now. But he had to hesitate and hesitate again because he couldn’t call first.
—Soohyun hyung, are you doing well?
Looking at one person’s name on the cell phone, Soohyun blinked. At the message sent by Chaeho, with whom he occasionally exchanged contact, Soohyun cried silently.
It was always himself who hesitated and always him who reached out first.
Wondering whether to reply to the message, Soohyun pressed the call button for the first time in a very long while.
[Soohyun hyung.]
“…Have you been well?”
[…I’m always the same. It’s so early I just sent a message. How about you, hyung?]
“I’m….”
To avoid worrying him any more, he should say he was fine, doing well, that there was nothing to worry about, but what flowed from Soohyun’s mouth was only a long groan.
[Hyung, I’ll come. Right now.]
“Chaeho-ya. Suddenly what… you don’t need to.”
[Hah… don’t I know you, hyung? It’ll take about an hour.]
“Chaeho-ya. I’m really fine.”
[Hyung always says you’re fine when you’re least fine.]
After finishing the call with Chaeho, Soohyun hunched his shoulders. He didn’t want to leave Seojun this way. But right now, being by his side wouldn’t help at all, and as long as he was by his side, Jang Seokhyeon would definitely endlessly torment himself and Seojun.
Click—
He put on his bag and opened the door. The morning sunlight that had just started coming in was filling every corner of the house. Seojun’s house, with its good lighting and warmth, resembled his smile. That’s why the time alone wasn’t lonely or difficult. Even the time waiting for him to return was happy. To think I could have this kind of time again…. At one point he’d been grateful and tried to erase his painful memories.
The house was very quiet. Soohyun walked slowly toward his room. Since it’s a face he’ll never see again, wouldn’t it be okay to secretly look before leaving? He grabbed the handle and turned it gently to open the door. The sight of him lying on the bed came into view. Even when he tried to forcibly violate him yesterday, he had a wounded face. That the kind-hearted him did such a thing was ultimately also his fault. Even getting entangled with Jang Seokhyeon, everything… was his fault.
“I’m… sorry. Seojun-ssi.”
He couldn’t even confess his love to the sleeping him. He was just sorry. If he hadn’t met someone like him, he wouldn’t have had to suffer this pain…. Soohyun bowed at the waist toward the sleeping him and left the room. The cell phone in his pocket was vibrating.
* * *
Clunk—
Seojun, who had barely fallen asleep at dawn, jumped up from his spot, startled by the sound of the front door closing. The clock pointed to 7 AM. Seojun rushed outside with an anxious face. He noticed the door to the small room Soohyun had used was slightly open.
‘No way… no way….’
