He couldn’t breathe. To explain why he had no choice but to meet that man, he would have to tell everything that happened with him. The memories entangled with Jang Seokhyeon were the most painful thing for Soohyun, things he wanted to forget, so he didn’t want to show his shameful past to Seojun, whom he loved.
“Soohyun-ssi, if you leave my house… were you planning to go to Director Jang Seokhyeon? Did you need money that badly?”
“What, what are you saying?”
Tears filling his pupils became drops crossing his cheeks. His eyelashes, soaked with tears, drooped down, blurring his vision.
“Since I’m going to become worthless now. You were going to go to Director Jang Seokhyeon, weren’t you? Did you… did you need money that badly? What I gave wasn’t enough?”
Soohyun could do nothing but cover his mouth. What had Jang Seokhyeon said to Seojun-ssi? Why was he saying such things? Soohyun couldn’t understand. He should make some excuse. He should explain to him that it’s not like that….
“So that’s why you said you’d leave the house yesterday. I had no idea…. Soohyun-ssi had it all planned out. Isn’t Soohyun-ssi too good at acting? I’m an actor too, but I can’t act that well.”
“Seojun-ssi, it’s not… it’s not like that. I was really worried about you, Seojun-ssi….”
“Then why did you meet Director Jang Seokhyeon?”
Seojun asked Soohyun again, thinking this was the last time. If he would just confess why he met him and what they talked about, he planned to ignore Seokhyeon’s story. He wanted to believe everything Soohyun said. So he desperately hoped he would say something, anything.
“Why can’t you speak? Why can’t you explain why you met Director Jang Seokhyeon?!”
Soohyun finally hung his head. Even telling him about Jeongwon’s death had required great resolve…. How could he reveal that he had been subjected to unspeakable acts by Jang Seokhyeon and was even blackmailed with threats to Seojun’s safety?
“Lee Soohyun-ssi, really… so it’s really true.”
“Seojun-ssi, with that person really….”
“You were going to leave me and switch over, but I was too clueless. Right?”
“Seojun-ssi!”
Soohyun shook his head. It was just that he was too shabby, had nothing, and was sick so he couldn’t fully accept Seojun’s heart. He met Jang Seokhyeon because he was afraid something might block his path forward, afraid that the existence called ‘Lee Soohyun’ might become a stumbling block in Seojun’s life. Thinking if there was anything he could do for Seojun, he would try….
In the end, there was nothing he could do.
“Thinking about it, Soohyun-ssi never once answered my confession.”
“Seojun-ssi. No. It’s not like that….”
“Even when I said I loved you, you never even said you felt the same. Living together also happened because I begged…. I was acting too foolish. Lee Soohyun-ssi.”
“Seojun-ssi, I….”
Seojun’s face hurt. Though it wasn’t intentional, the fact that he was hurt, and that he could only remain silent even while seeing him hurt—he hated himself for it.
Wasn’t this an inevitable ending after all? There’s no way love would come to him again…. Should he think that an ending that was destined anyway just came a little sooner? Soohyun lowered his head and closed his eyes.
* * *
Soohyun entered the room he was originally supposed to use and crouched in the corner. It was already too late to clear up Seojun’s misunderstanding. To clear up the misunderstanding, he would have to talk about what happened with Jang Seokhyeon, but… Soohyun absolutely didn’t want to do that.
‘Anyway… we would have separated eventually….’
There’s no way someone like Choi Seojun would stay with him until the end. If he thought that Seojun spoke of love because he was attracted to his still young and beautiful appearance, it might make leaving his side a little easier.
Click—
Soohyun took out the bag he had stored in the closet. It was the very bag he had brought when he first entered Seojun’s house. While packing his few belongings, he discovered the clothes, watch, and other things Seojun had given him and hesitated for a moment.
“……”
When he removed what Seojun had given him, it didn’t even fill half the bag. Deep inside the bag was the envelope Jang Seokhyeon had handed him. It contained photos of his tryst with Seojun. Soohyun took out one photo where Seojun’s face came out best and put it in the bag, then stuffed the rest of the photos deep into the bag.
To prevent the rest of the photos from being revealed…. Soohyun’s conclusion was that he had to leave somewhere, anywhere, away from Jang Seokhyeon’s sight.
‘Is there even a place that man doesn’t know about….’
Jang Seokhyeon knew everything, even about the five years he spent in the rooftop room. He was someone who needed to know whom he met, what he did, how he lived—everything. As long as Soohyun was breathing on this earth, that man would definitely chase after him to achieve his goal.
“Where are you going? What… what are you doing right now?”
“Se, Seojun-ssi….”
Behind Soohyun, who was kneeling and packing his bag, Seojun’s voice was heard. Not expecting him to come to this room, Soohyun clutched the bag and stuck to the floor.
“Really… you’re going to leave me? So you’re going to Jang Seokhyeon?”
“Seojun-ssi….”
Seojun roughly ran his hand through his hair with an incredulous expression. Then he grabbed Soohyun’s arm, pulled him up, and threw Soohyun onto the bed.
Thud—
“Se. Seojun-ssi….”
“What was all of this until now? Really, was all of that a lie?”
“It wasn’t.”
Soohyun shook his head vigorously. It was difficult to face his hurt expression. Was it Soohyun’s greed to hope he would believe him even if he couldn’t explain the reason? Yes. That’s greed. This world was never kind to Soohyun from the beginning.
“Then what is it?”
“Seojun-ssi. With that person… with that person….”
His lips wouldn’t open, as if glue had been applied. How many people in the world could reveal their past without any hesitation? And not to just one person, but to many, to say that such things happened with someone who was once a lover—how could he tell that to the one he loves?
“He does seem to have better abilities and more money than me. Hah…. But Soohyun-ssi, you haven’t forgotten the contract we made, have you?”
“…What?”
The focus disappeared from Soohyun’s pupils. Seojun’s hand was coming into Soohyun’s waist, rolling up his top. The cool air touching his skin gave him goosebumps. Seojun twisted the corner of his mouth as he lightly touched Soohyun’s nipples, which had stiffened with tension.
“Don’t tell me you slept with him too while meeting Jang Seokhyeon behind my back?”
“Wha, what are you saying?”
“You said you needed money. Then with Jang Seokhyeon too….”
Smack—
Seojun’s face turned. Seojun laughed as if incredulous at the burning sensation on his left cheek. Soohyun clutched his own wrist, eyes brimming with tears.
“Don’t, don’t do this.”
“Why? You don’t like it?”
Seojun grabbed both of Soohyun’s wrists, pinned them above his head, and leaned down. When Seojun’s hand undid the pants buckle and went inside his underwear, Soohyun curled up his body tight. Though they had mingled bodies several times already, he didn’t like it this way.
“I don’t like it. Don’t….”
“Stay still.”
Soohyun struggled to escape from the forceful touch. He didn’t want to do it with him this way, no different from being forcibly violated. But Seojun released pheromones and inserted his fingers between Soohyun’s buttocks.
“You’re already wet.”
“No, don’t do this!”
Despite Soohyun’s fierce struggles, Seojun stripped off his pants and underwear in one go. Then he opened his own pants zipper and pulled out his genitals. Even as he watched Soohyun’s eyes fill with fear, Seojun’s gaze remained cold.
“If you don’t relax, you’ll get hurt.”
“I don’t want to! Don’t do this!”
Though he was screaming with all his might that he didn’t want it, under the influence of pheromones his body wouldn’t move easily. It was just like that nightmarish day. Legs forced open and a body that got wet on its own, the man’s attitude as if Soohyun’s opinion didn’t matter at all.
“I don’t want to! I don’t want to! Don’t do it!”
Soohyun finally burst into tears. Seojun, who had pinned down the screaming and flailing Soohyun with his body, was already rubbing the tip of his glans against the entrance.
“I said relax!”
“No! No!!”
Beep—
A warning sound he’d lived forgetting for a while rang in his head. The tinnitus grew louder and the focus completely disappeared from Soohyun’s eyes. Soohyun, whose body had been heaving greatly, twisted his body without even making a small sound.
Seojun, who had been trying to satisfy his own greed, belatedly realized Soohyun’s reaction was a bit strange and raised his head.
“Kuk— Keuuk—”
“So, Soohyun-ssi?”
“Kuk, kkeuk, kkeuuk—”
