“Or did you come to show off? To me, who didn’t give you the successor position even though I knew all about your greed.”
Either way. Grandfather smiled faintly.
“I never want to see your face again. This is the last time I’m letting you leave quietly. So go. You wouldn’t want to be labeled a murderer.”
I feel like I’ll die of rage if I see you. At those words, Uncle, who had been silently looking at Grandfather with an expression that was hard to understand, strode out of the hospital room just as he had entered. Uncle’s voice looking for a doctor could be heard from outside the hospital room door. As soon as Uncle’s back disappeared, Father pressed the nurse call button.
I had heard it in passing before. They said younger grandfather had passed away when Uncle was seven years old. So Grandfather would have been like a father to Uncle. I couldn’t understand the gap in Uncle, who had deliberately destroyed our family yet rushed to the hospital room upon hearing news that Grandfather had collapsed, who left silently at Grandfather’s order to leave, who looked for a doctor as soon as he left the hospital room.
And I also couldn’t understand Uncle’s inner thoughts as he stood outside the hospital room door watching the doctor rush over. However, one thing I could tell was that Kim Jaeui resembled Uncle closely. The gap, the look in his eyes, everything.
A few days later, Father made an announcement that he would take responsibility and step down from the front lines. Mother no longer cried, but simply hugged Father tightly when he returned after finishing the announcement.
The ones who filled the empty positions of Father and Grandfather were Uncle and Uncle’s close associates. Because several of the people who had worked alongside Grandfather and Father for a long time also stepped back, Haebam underwent a massive reorganization. Father and Grandfather seemed to tell them not to, but the uncles whose faces were familiar to me also laughed, saying they had eaten enough and it was fine now. They said they couldn’t bear to watch from right beside as the Haebam they had built and established with their own hands changed.
After that, my family members occasionally watched me carefully. Without even knowing why, I just hoped time would pass quickly and things would quiet down, that the reporters in front of our house would stop coming. If I still showed my face outside or was seen coming out of this house, reporters would follow. So I stayed holed up inside the house the whole time, and I still couldn’t turn on my cell phone. Mother sent severance pay to the people who had continued to help with housework saying she was sorry to keep them waiting, but had been resting since the incident broke out.
Thinking about it, I should have realized then. That Mother sending away those people was the beginning of settling things, when she had laughed saying she was so meticulous that she had changed them four times before finally finding people she liked.
A few days later, Grandfather was discharged and returned home. The secretary who followed behind Grandfather carrying an armful of medicine he had to take stamped his attendance at our house for several days, and only went to the company after Grandfather scolded him. I heard he was going to one of Grandfather’s close associates who had decided to remain at the company.
After he stopped going to the company, Grandfather had difficulty enduring boredom. He was a grandfather who had been devoted to work from the time he came of age, spending his days that way. Sitting at the study desk where documents didn’t pile up, Grandfather passed time flipping through books.
And one night, it was when I stood in front of the study thinking I might keep Grandfather company. Voices could be heard through the door that wasn’t fully closed.
“Then are you going to the main house?”
Main house? I held my breath. The main house was in Seoul. The decision to establish Haebam High here was made when I was in elementary school, and because Grandfather wanted me to attend Haebam High, our family bought a house here and moved completely as soon as I graduated elementary school. Originally it was supposed to be just Mother and I moving while Father and Grandfather remained at the main house close to the company, but because Father and Grandfather changed their minds at the last minute saying they couldn’t bear being lonely, the main house had ultimately been empty for several years.
“No, if Father doesn’t mind, I’m thinking of settling the main house too.”
“Then?”
“Since we’re resting anyway, I’m thinking of going somewhere far where we don’t know anyone. To Belgium……”
At those words, I couldn’t hold back and threw open the study door.
“Belgium?”
“……Eorin-ah.”
“Belgium, why, how……”
“……I was going to talk about it once it was confirmed, but it’s better to say it now. Yes, I’m thinking of going to Belgium. A friend of mine lives there. I talked about it with your mother too, and if we stay in Korea, we won’t be able to avoid people’s gazes wherever we go. It’ll be hard on you too-.”
“I, I can’t go.”
“Eorin-ah.”
“I can’t go.”
How can I go leaving Chiwon behind? Grandfather seemed to have guessed the words I couldn’t bring myself to say. Grandfather let out a sigh.
“But Eorin-ah. It’ll be difficult to attend Haebam High now, and your face has become quite well-known. It would be better to leave after all……”
At Father’s persuasion, I pressed my lips tightly together. Of course I knew. That whispers would follow me wherever I went. But still, I thought it would be okay. I had been hearing talk behind my back all along and had always felt those gazes.
“I can’t go, Father.”
“Eorin-ah.”
“I have to be here. I want to keep attending Haebam High. If you’re going to Belgium…… leave me here.”
“I can’t go leaving you behind, Eorin-ah.”
As if he hadn’t expected me to refuse so firmly, a troubled look appeared on Father’s face. Even as heavy silence settled over the study, I stood motionless, bearing the weight. Seeing me standing firm, Father sighed and nodded.
“Alright, let me think about it more.”
“……I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t the only one who had to endure the gazes. Probably Father and Mother would have it worse. But still, I couldn’t bend my stubbornness.
About two months had passed since the incident broke out. But it was long and stormy time that didn’t feel like only about two months. Even though my parents collapsed, condemnation and gazes from the world poured down, Grandfather collapsed, and all these events clawed at my world leaving it in ruins, I stood.
It was thanks to Chiwon. Because of Chiwon, I couldn’t be swept away. It wasn’t some half-baked ‘goodwill’ like Chiwon needing me or anything. I loved Chiwon. It was a feeling that some would call the recklessness of seventeen, or perhaps an intense tremor strong enough to cause abnormal heat.
Having barely managed to cry only after calling Chiwon’s name, I pulled myself together thinking of Chiwon. Because I could be by Chiwon’s side if I endured. In the midst of all that, I also had this thought. Chiwon must have come to this point while being shaken countless times from birth until now, so wouldn’t I need to be shaken that much too to be by Chiwon’s side?
Yes, that’s what it was. Chiwon had been shaken all along from birth until now. I had such thoughts even though Chiwon wouldn’t be there just because I held on.
That day was January 16th. It was exactly two months after my birthday, and if it were like before, it would be the day Grandfather’s snack box was delivered to the orphanage. And the me from a few years ago would have been standing outside the orphanage waiting for Grandfather to return, and Chiwon would have been standing in front of the snack box, receiving and holding gummy bears while smiling.
“Please!”
However, on January 16th as I was going from seventeen to eighteen, I cried clutching my cell phone.
The secretary, who hadn’t come for a while, suddenly visited our house. At the ominous expression, I immediately told him Grandfather was in the study, and since reporters weren’t visible in front of the house for the first time in a while, my parents had gone outside, so I was alone in the living room. I was sitting there blankly scratching the chin of Chari who was lying on my lap purring, when a crashing sound came from the direction of the study and Grandfather came running.
“Grandfather, if you run……!”
“Eorin-ah!”
Since the day he collapsed, Grandfather got out of breath even running briefly. Behind Grandfather, I could see the secretary chasing after him, his face deathly pale. Between gasping breaths, Grandfather pieced together fragments of words.
“The orphan- age is- disappearing!”
“……What?”
“Because a lot of foundation funds were drained due to the embezzlement, it seems Gyeyoung decided to downsize the foundation. So first of all, they’re closing the orphanages…… they said the First Orphanage is being closed today!”
My head was blank, so it took time to absorb Grandfather’s words.
“He must have kept the downsizing a secret knowing it was something I cherished. Of all times, I only found out today…… There’s no time, Eorin-ah!”
At Grandfather’s cry, I jumped up from my seat and ran to my room. It was a cell phone I hadn’t been able to turn on even once for over two months already. Making a mockery of the days I had endured knowing I couldn’t even hear his voice once, I turned on my cell phone without hesitation.
Perhaps because I was turning it on after so long, it felt like it took terribly long. When the screen finally came back on, alarms poured in from all sorts of places. Putting all contact notifications aside, I went straight into the call list. Then among the numerous missed call lists from unknown numbers, there was Chiwon’s name.
I had to call. And I had to say something. I had no idea what I should say, but I had to say anything. But at that moment, like a lie, a text came from Chiwon.
[Thank you.]
It seemed like words announcing an end. It had the tone of saying goodbye as if we’d never see each other again. I clenched my jaw and called Chiwon.
But, but…… Chiwon didn’t answer. Before the connection tone could ring even a few times, a message saying the other party couldn’t answer the phone was heard. Knowing that Chiwon had rejected my call, I felt my heart drop.
My hands started trembling. No matter how many more times I called, Chiwon continued to reject them. I cried out while crying.
“Please!”
This couldn’t be the end. It was a love like spring. It had just budded, and should bloom beautifully…… And it should also become lush summer, beautiful autumn with colored leaves, and cozy winter with falling snow—it was a love with so much still remaining.
“Please, Chiwon-ah……”
[I really liked you. Eorin-ah.]
At that text, my breath caught. Tears fell pitter-patter.
[Please answer the phone Chiwon-ah]
[Please]
Even while sending texts, I sobbed. What do I do if you leave? If you really confess like it’s truly the end, like you can do it because it’s the last time, and then leave, I……
[Please. Chiwon-ah]
With that text as the last, there was no response from Chiwon. When I called, only words saying it was turned off completely came back. I knelt down beside the bed clutching my cell phone and burst into tears.
