If I had said something different, would you have answered my call? If I had said I liked you too, that I loved you, would it have changed anything? Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to say those words. If I confessed here too, it felt like it would truly be the end. So after a long time passed, I felt like I would laugh faintly, thinking, ‘That confession back then was the end…… But at least I did confess.’ I didn’t want that.
It was a sweet and happy feeling, enough to make me want to leave even a thread of resentment to tie us together. I just couldn’t let go.
“Eorin-ah.”
“Grandfather……”
Grandfather, who had been shocked seeing me in such a mess, soon approached me with a pained expression and hugged me. Clutching Grandfather’s embrace, which had become so thin and weak that it swayed lightly even at my crying, I wailed.
“What do I do? Chiwon, Chiwon is leaving……”
“……I was too late.”
“He won’t answer my calls, and he said thank you…… and just left.”
What do I do, Grandfather? I have nothing to hold Chiwon back with.
“I’m sorry, Eorin-ah.”
“What do I do…… I don’t know. What should I……”
“I’m sorry……”
I was frustrated and heartbroken. And pitiful, and sorry. The storm that swept through me didn’t stop there but went to Chiwon and hurt him too. Having to just watch that with my hands tied was so heartbreaking, and I was sorry……
I didn’t have the power to keep Chiwon here. Without the Haebam name, I was someone who couldn’t do anything. So like this, even when Chiwon was suddenly taken away, there was nothing I could do. My insides ached with a tingling pain, so I clutched my chest and cried.
“You never cried in front of us.”
Grandfather’s murmured words echoed in my ears.
“Chiwon was the pillar you leaned on.”
And now you’ve lost it. Grandfather’s hand stroked my back.
With Grandfather’s help, I found out where Chiwon had gone, but they said Chiwon hadn’t followed his siblings to the orphanage they went to. The orphanage didn’t have the capacity to take in Chiwon, who was older, so while they were worrying about it, the director took Chiwon and left, but there was no way to know where they went. They said the director was greatly disappointed in the Haebam Foundation that had abandoned Chiwon and left, even refusing the support funds the foundation offered, so there was no one they could contact. Whether she changed her phone or not, later on, a completely different person answered the phone.
Chiwon’s phone never turned on again. Just in case, I called every day, but the voice that always came through was the same. One night, exhausted from chewing over my regrets, I sent Chiwon a text.
[Chiwon-ah]
[I’ll definitely come find you]
[Wait for me]
However, two days later, Chiwon’s phone became a non-existent number. Was it an indirect rejection? But I couldn’t accept it until I met Chiwon and Chiwon shook his head at me directly. Even though the last path connected to Chiwon was cut off, I couldn’t give up and kept searching for Chiwon.
Junsu and Woojin said that Chiwon had suddenly said only ‘I’m moving so take care’ and then contact was cut off. He hadn’t come to school since right before the break, so they guessed there must have been something related to the orphanage, but they didn’t know he would leave so suddenly like that. And it was only a few weeks after that when Chiwon sent me that text saying thank you.
I gradually sank down. I didn’t noticeably grieve or get angry. However, I didn’t smile either, and only the insomnia that had started with the Haebam incident deepened. Grandfather knew the reason but said nothing, and Mother and Father seemed to have guessed something from seeing me frantically searching for someone. One day, drunk Father hugged me and kept repeating words without a subject, saying ‘It’ll all be forgotten, everything will be forgotten.’
January passed like that.
With only a few weeks left until the new semester, Father must have thought he needed to make a decision, so he called me to sit down and was silent for a long time. I seemed to know Father’s heart, so I spoke first.
“Father.”
“……”
“Let’s go to Belgium.”
When I, who had firmly refused, said that, Father’s eyes widened.
“You’re right, Father. I can’t stay here.”
A few days ago, feeling frustrated and anxious, I had gone outside without a plan. Since the driver had been on continuous leave after the incident broke out, I had to take the bus to get to the orphanage where Chiwon had lived. But the moment I stepped into the bus stop, all the people standing there looked at me, and the bus stop became filled only with people whispering and people busily moving their fingers.
Maybe they weren’t looking at me. Maybe it wasn’t talk about me, maybe no one was interested in me. Blaming myself for being overly conscious, I bowed my head and clenched my sweaty palms when I heard a click sound from somewhere.
A chilling silence fell over the bus stop. The sound of my heartbeat rang in my ears. When I looked toward where the sound came from, a quite flustered-looking man stubbornly stared only at his phone, avoiding my gaze. Everyone at the bus stop looked back and forth between me and the man.
I immediately fled from the bus stop and returned home. By the time I realized my heart was beating loudly enough for me to feel it myself, my whole body was already drenched in cold sweat.
The people of the world hadn’t forgotten yet. Even within that small bus stop, I was unbearably scared. However, I couldn’t just keep hiding. I had to find Chiwon. On the night when I held onto my pounding heart and soothed my anxiety, I decided to go to Belgium.
I was scared, but it wasn’t to run away. If I wasn’t forgotten, I knew that when I went to find him, the one who would be most hurt by the world’s gaze would be Chiwon. I had to create a new place to protect Chiwon. A flimsy wall of being classmates in the same class wouldn’t do. I wanted to become solid.
“If I go away, will people stop paying attention to me?”
“Of course.”
Father closed his eyes tightly and muttered with his clasped hands against his chin.
“Naturally. They’ll forget quickly. You won’t get hurt.”
What Father was worried about was a different part from me. But I didn’t say anything.
“Then let’s go, Father.”
“Alright.”
Even though Father was the one who suggested going to Belgium, Father didn’t seem very happy. Instead, with a devastated expression, he repeated the words ‘I’m sorry.’ I quietly shook my head.
Going to Belgium was mid-March. Before spring came, I visited an orphanage for the last time. Not the place where Chiwon had lived, but where Chiwon’s siblings were.
“You came looking for hyung.”
Just in case someone might recognize me, I went there with my hat pulled down low and wearing a mask, but I couldn’t bring myself to go inside and was just looking down at my toes. That’s when worn sneakers came to stand in front of me.
“I don’t know where hyung is either.”
A tired face. A middle school-aged boy who called Chiwon hyung. I instantly knew that kid was Chanhyeong.
“Nobody knows. He barely told us at the very end, when we were parting.”
“……”
“I hate hyung.”
Tears leaked out sneakily from his reddened eyes. Chanhyeong roughly rubbed his face.
“I hate him…… I hate him…… but thank you. You’re the one who saved our hyung, right? You smell like vanilla. This is your pheromone, isn’t it?”
‘Chanhyeong is still like a kid. He cries a lot and cries with all his might with his whole face. But when did he get so big?’
These were the words Chiwon had said to me the day after he reconciled with Chanhyeong. Chanhyeong’s face crying while looking at me gradually turned bright red.
“After our hyung started smelling like vanilla…… hyung was really happy. I didn’t know until then, but our hyung had never once smiled while talking about friends after coming home…… But after going to high school, he told me he was okay now thanks to his friends. He even showed off by lining up the bear dolls in his room, saying he got birthday presents. Our hyung was really happy.”
“……”
“Thank you for helping our hyung.”
There was something I’d been agonizing over. What if searching for Chiwon was only my own greed, and so my feelings would be a burden to Chiwon? If Chiwon had given me his last goodbye and left, should I end it here? I keep holding on because I can’t let go of my feelings of liking him, but what if Chiwon didn’t feel that way?
But Chanhyeong said that Chiwon, who was together with me, had been happy. It was the first affirmation. I had thought Chiwon only received wounds from me and left, but Chanhyeong spoke of Chiwon from that time and thanked me.
In front of Chanhyeong, who was similar in height to Chiwon, I cried without making a sound. My mask got soaked.
“Stay here for a moment.”
Chanhyeong, who had been sniffling for a while, went inside the orphanage and then appeared with a young girl behind him. The child who had been following along holding Chanhyeong’s hand came out from behind Chanhyeong when she got in front of me and held out a bear doll to me.
It was the one I had given Chiwon as a birthday present.
“Did oppa give this to our oppa?”
“……Yeah.”
“Our oppa said he was sorry and gave this to me…… but I don’t need this. I have a lot. I got a lot of family too, and I have Chaeyoung, and pretty clothes and dolls too. I sleep hugging them with Chaeyoung.”
“……”
“So please return this to oppa……”
I could barely understand the child’s words, but I could tell that Chiwon had given the child the bear doll when he left. Three bear dolls were divided between Chanhyeong and the child’s arms. Chanhyeong also held out the rest to me. They were Junsu and Woojin’s gifts. Knowing Chiwon’s heart for giving the bear dolls to his siblings while leaving everything behind, I couldn’t bring myself to accept them.
“Chiwon gave them to you guys. You keep them.”
“I don’t want to. Please return it to oppa.”
When the child started crying with sniffles, Chanhyeong glared at me.
“No. You keep it.”
“Why…… why……”
“If you want to return it to Chiwon, you return it.”
At my words, the child stopped crying and looked at me.
“I’ll find Chiwon.”
At my words, Chanhyeong’s face completely changed as he strode up to me. Chanhyeong’s hand gripped my arm tightly.
“Really? You’ll really find our hyung?”
“Yeah. I can’t right now. I’m leaving for Belgium soon…… But when I have strength, I’ll definitely find him.”
There was one thing Father and Grandfather weren’t telling me until the end. It was about Haebam. They just kept repeating conversations that circled around, unable to carelessly touch upon it in case I might be hurt by being pushed out of Haebam’s successor position.
