“I went straight to the jjimjilbang, and he smiled and said so nonchalantly, ‘Huh? Junwoo-ya. It’s really been a long time. Did you come to bathe?’ I almost cried, fuck. He’d been living at the jjimjilbang for a whole week, and that little kid was sleeping with his leg as a pillow, but how could he be so strong and solid even in that situation…”
He probably couldn’t cry because of Deonggeori. He was that kind of person. Maybe it wasn’t that he was strong and solid, but that he had to become strong and solid because there was someone he had to take responsibility for. In that moment, I wanted to curse my past self who couldn’t be by his side. I so resented my past self who couldn’t help shoulder the burden he had to carry all alone. What exactly was I so afraid of that I ran away?
What’s truly scary is that you’re not happy.
“I was so ashamed of myself living however I pleased even with everything I could want, that I ended up sitting in front of him and bawling. I cried saying I missed him, asking how he didn’t even contact me, that I’d break off our friendship, worried he’d misunderstand it as pity, so when I cried, he told me to cry quietly so I wouldn’t wake his brother who just fell asleep. Wasn’t I so dumbfounded my tears stopped immediately?”
Aah. Right, I was afraid that he wasn’t happy. I was afraid of the rejection that would come from him. I was scared that the things I had might hurt him. Nothing had even happened, yet I worried and agonized alone.
“That day I took them to your hotel and let them sleep there. At first he refused saying it was fine, then when I made a fuss saying you can’t let young kids sleep in places like this, using his brother as an excuse and throwing a tantrum, he said then he’d be indebted and came out with his luggage. I was so dumbfounded when I saw the luggage I was at a loss for words. It was all the kid’s clothes, and his own were just three t-shirts, two pairs of jeans, and one cardigan.”
He was the kind of guy who, even if he slept in a mud pit himself, would lay Deonggeori on top of his body lying in that mud pit. I know how sincerely Kkotmoa cherished and loved Deonggeori. If it weren’t for Deonggeori, he probably would have refused Kang Junwoo’s kindness to the end.
“And the next day he said he got in contact with someone called his aunt, and went into that house. It seems his dad asked her before leaving, but she seemed to have thought about it. Taking in an adult and a young kid isn’t easy.”
“……”
“Right then he quit college and worked at whatever jobs came his way, got a studio in a month and a half, and immediately took the kid out. The studio Kkotmoa lives in is in my building. You went there, so you know, right?”
“Kkotmoa seemed like he didn’t know.”
“Yeah. Worried he’d refuse, I deliberately recruited a part-timer at the store where he works and persuaded Kkotmoa, so it’s originally 800,000 won a month but I got him to move in for 400,000 a month. My secretary handled it so I don’t know exactly, but it seems they made an excuse that they put it out cheap without a deposit because they were in a hurry.”
“……”
“Once housing was settled, the kid started studying again while taking care of his elementary school brother. When I asked why he didn’t just take a leave of absence instead of withdrawing, you know what he said with a bright smile?”
I felt dizzy. My solar plexus hurt. Even though I had no right to cry, the welling up kept trying to overflow. If I had continued to follow even his shadow, no, if I hadn’t gone to the military, then could I have embraced his struggles? Would he have accepted my kindness?
“He said he had a goal and wanted to come to our school. Even so, I never thought he’d actually come to our school, our department. And almost getting a perfect score on the college entrance exam at that.”
‘What if I end up getting a perfect score on the college entrance exam?’
Suddenly his voice rang in my ears. I could see before my eyes the cute worry he had on the day I first intertwined our fingers in a clasp, using the god of language as an excuse.
‘Then we’ll go to the same university together.’
The purity of wishing to go to the same university as him was something I’d now lost. It was solely Kkotmoa’s power alone that kept it.
‘I want to go to the same university as you.’
It all seemed like my fault. If only I hadn’t confessed then, if only I hadn’t kissed him, if only I’d endured a little more and remained by his side even as a friend with a hollow name, then wouldn’t he have reached out his hand to me first and asked for help? Even if not help, at least wouldn’t he have talked to me so he could let out his frustration and feel relieved?
‘Haah, I feel relieved after talking about it. It’s the first time I’ve told anyone with my own mouth about things like my dad’s accident and stuff.’
‘…Tell me from now on too. I won’t tell anyone. If you carry it, it becomes a disease.’
‘I know. That you won’t tell anyone. You’re my partner, my Do Teacher.’
No, you didn’t know. How cowardly and selfish a coward nineteen-year-old me was.
I didn’t tell anyone, but I also didn’t listen to your stories after that. Under the pretense of it being for you, I was busy hiding and even took away your only opportunity to feel relieved. You weren’t the type to talk about yourself, yet these were stories you only told me, and knowing that, I couldn’t even be an ear for you.
Nevertheless, the brilliant flower, though it swayed precariously in the fierce storm, endured standing tall.
“Kkotmoa didn’t ask first, so I didn’t talk about you either.”
“…Yeah.”
“But…, I just thought. The reason he desperately studied like that and came to our school, wasn’t it because he wanted to see you…?”
I raised my gaze that had been looking down at the table like a sinner the whole time and met Kang Junwoo’s eyes. I was only now learning all the facts and floundering in various emotions that were hard to even list individually—guilt, tenderness, suffering, longing—yet Kang Junwoo, who had experienced this before me, just tilted his drink glass with a calm face. What dominated my heart now was only one thought.
“…I miss him.”
“Ah really, what do I do with this crazy bastard? Damn, why am I going through this shit between you two?”
I realized it only after you endured difficult times alone. Nineteen-year-old me was just a wandering high school student, but twenty-four-year-old me now seemed to know how to protect you.
“Thank you.”
“Ugh, that tone, fuck. Ruins the taste of alcohol. You crazy bastard, I told you I’m not your flower!”
Kang Junwoo grimaced and poured alcohol into my glass. The transparent liquid that had remained slightly in the green bottle was all poured into my glass. While listening to his story, all three bottles we’d ordered at first had been emptied.
“One more bottle of soju, please.”
After swallowing the bitter liquid down my throat, I placed an additional order. Kang Junwoo said,
“I told you three bottles of soju wouldn’t be enough after hearing my story, right?”
I just smiled bitterly.
I missed him. I couldn’t stand missing him. I wanted to embrace his slender shoulders and apologize. That I was sorry for running away, that I was sorry for not being by his side.
‘I can’t contact you first because I know it was because of me, and it’s strange to say thank you even though I’m grateful, but I’m worried, and I don’t want to hear about you through teachers or Junwoo… Actually, all that aside, I just… missed you.’
We were both young, but looking back, he was more mature than me. He bravely said what I couldn’t say at the time. The current me had similar thoughts to him back then.
Having run away and avoided him, I can’t contact him first, and even though I’m sorry it’s strange to suddenly say I’m sorry, but I’m worried, and I don’t want to get his contact information through Kang Junwoo, and actually all this and that aside, I just missed him.
“Sorry, but I’m leaving first.”
This wasn’t the time to be drinking. I heard Kang Junwoo cursing harshly, but I immediately paid at the counter and got in a taxi. Anyway, he was a guy who frequently abandoned me in my freshman and sophomore years, taking me along even though I didn’t drink and then leaving me behind to play around with girls after drinking extravagantly. The bastard in heat at the time was frantic to mate. He’d even sold my number to set up meetings with girls from the women’s university dance department more than once or twice. So Kang Junwoo would understand this much. Well, actually, it didn’t matter if he didn’t understand.
After getting off near Kkotmoa’s villa, I wandered looking for a flower shop. Perhaps because I’d drunk about three glasses close to my limit, I was tipsy. If I’d known this would happen, I should have stopped by the flower shop first, but my desire to see him came first and my route got tangled. After wandering for 40 minutes, I was finally able to find a flower shop.
“Please wrap a hundred roses.”
I planned to clear up the easiest misunderstanding first. At nineteen, I was so busy getting a grip on my own emotions that I didn’t know how my words would come across to him. No matter how much I pretended to be mature and relaxed, I was immature like an unripe fruit and didn’t have the capacity to consider that. So I would cover the lingering memories one by one with new memories again.
Because I’d gotten lost, I had to take a taxi again. When I arrived and pressed the doorbell at Kkotmoa’s place, there was no sign of anyone. It seemed he wasn’t home. Since I didn’t get his contact information from Kang Junwoo, there was no way to call. No, even if I had gotten his contact information, what kind of shamelessness would I have to call first?
Holding a hundred roses, I leaned against the wall at the villa entrance and waited for Kkotmoa. They had quite a bit of weight. People passing by glanced at me. Seeing everyone continuously staring, it seemed to be their first time seeing a hundred roses in real life.
“So Seoyun said she has a boyfriend so she can’t, and her boyfriend is Shin Jaea? I was interested in Jiyu lately but Seoyun exposed it and ruined everything.”
“How long did she say she’s been dating Seoyun?”
It was his voice. Reflexively raising my head, at a distance where I could hear his voice, I saw Kkotmoa walking while holding the hand of a handsome boy who came up to his waist. The boy was swinging their clasped hands back and forth, expressing his happiness.
“Including today…, it’s been twenty-two days!”
“Wow, but this time it’s lasting long, right? Last time you broke up with Seul in just two weeks.”
“What can I do when the kid I like keeps changing? But it’s not just me, all the kids are like that. Anyway, so I’m thinking about breaking up with Seoyun next week and dating Jiyu.”
“Deonggeori, you’re going to become a playboy when you grow up.”
The siblings’ gaze reached me. I pulled my back away from the wall I’d been leaning against. Deonggeori seemed like he didn’t know who I was. He looked back and forth between me and Kkotmoa, his eyes filled with curiosity. On the other hand, Kkotmoa’s eyes widened, as if surprised.
