I met Secretary Park at a coffee shop. Strength went into my hand holding the report I received from Secretary Park. This was too much, even if it was what it was. I couldn’t forgive myself for being pathetic enough to have done nothing while this happened and even went to the military.
A week and a day after I enlisted, Kkotmoa was legally released from adoption by mutual agreement with the father who had adopted him. Unlike my misunderstanding that they were a gay couple, the one who adopted Kkotmoa was a single man. It was the father who had been in the hospital, not the flower shop father. It was probably due to the criteria for passing the economic requirements, and I could see evidence that he’d adopted him through quite a complicated process. There was content saying that around the same time, he also sold the old apartment and flower shop.
The Kkotmoa family in my memory was more affectionate and harmonious than any other family. Even though the apartment was old and cramped, it was their warm home, and the flower shop was their comfortable refuge. Kkotmoa’s father wanted to do everything he could for the flower despite difficult family circumstances. As an example, I still remember when their father said he’d kick Kkotmoa out if he didn’t go to college. Even the father who had been in the hospital, as soon as he woke up, told him not to help with the flower shop until after taking the college entrance exam and to only come to the hospital once a week, letting him focus only on studying. I slipped through that gap and went to Kkotmoa’s house every day.
But a mutual release from adoption—that meant Kkotmoa also agreed to the release from adoption.
My eyes quickly went to the next page. Kkotmoa’s father who had been in the hospital was a successful securities firm stock dealer before the accident. And after being discharged, he tried to work diligently, but the gap of time spent in the hospital was large. In the end, he touched dangerous money.
I could guess what the reason was. Since he’d been lying in the hospital for a long time, thinking about how his family suffered with hospital bills and everything, he probably wanted to somehow hit it big in one shot and not make his family suffer anymore. But that went wrong and he took the fall alone.
My head spun. Just before going to the military, according to what I had Secretary Park look into, the amount of money that the endlessly prosperous D Group poured into flower purchases in one year was enormous. As excessive greed always calls for disaster, if he’d been satisfied with diligently running the flower shop business, this wouldn’t have happened.
Then how on earth had Kkotmoa lived for nearly two years? After being released from adoption, taking responsibility for Deonggeori alone—I couldn’t even imagine what kind of life he’d lived. My anxiously pounding heart was painful. He must have gone through more painful times than me, yet encountering the facts belatedly, I was afraid. Just thinking about the difficult time he spent alone hurt too much.
“If they hadn’t done the mutual release from adoption, Shin Moa-ssi would have been unable to live a normal life too. Perhaps because they thought of and cherished Shin Moa-ssi as their real son, they seem to have released him from adoption for Shin Moa-ssi’s future.”
Secretary Park, whose gaze was on the page I was looking at, added. I was in the middle of reading the part where it said that at the same time as the release from adoption, Kkotmoa’s fathers went into hiding and their whereabouts were unclear.
“As a result of looking into Shin Moa-ssi’s phone call records, it seems they’ve been in continuous contact. There were records of calls once every two weeks or once a month with a number presumed to be from a pay phone.”
Should I say that’s fortunate, at least?
The feeling of helplessness deepened. I’d actually been living thinking only what was good for me without confirming the facts. Not knowing he’d spent such difficult times, rationalizing that he’d be happy if I disappeared, consoling myself that my running away was for him. The more I checked the report, the more I couldn’t forgive myself. I couldn’t look at the content in the back anymore. It was dismal.
“You may go.”
“…Pardon?”
“Keep quiet about this matter until there are other instructions. Ah, do I need to write a pledge this time too?”
“No, sir. I won’t reveal it anywhere.”
“I hope Secretary Park-nim will be my person until the end, not Father’s person.”
“Please don’t worry.”
No matter how firmly he spoke, I didn’t completely trust Secretary Park. Since we weren’t close, I didn’t know his nature either. Because I’d already stepped into Father’s world and knew about power structures and repercussions, I chose the side of holding Secretary Park’s weakness. Though I didn’t trust Secretary Park, the fact that he was currently the person I could most comfortably ask for help remained unchanged.
Secretary Park left the cafe first, and I, who had been sitting in a daze, gathered the report. As I left the cafe, I called Kang Junwoo. Kang Junwoo would know more than what Secretary Park could find out. If he said he wouldn’t tell me, I had no choice but to bring up Kang Junwoo’s weakness again this time.
-Wow, who is this? Isn’t this the D Group heir Do Hyeondo-nim who acts fucking expensive?
“Come out.”
-Fuck off. No contact even once during leave, no contact even once after discharge, and then calling only when you need something and telling me to come out—I don’t have a friend bastard like that.
“…I was wrong, so come out.”
-Goosebumps! Hey, I’m Kkotmoa, no, I’m not your flower, you know? Where the hell are you managing your image and pretending to be affectionate?
“Right. If you won’t come out, I’ll just go find your eldest hyung. By the way, your eldest hyung sent a message saying to come play sometime and he’d buy me a meal.”
-Fuck, you cowardly bastard. Sneaky bastard. Bastard who’ll get academic probation. Bastard who won’t graduate even if you attend 12 semesters.
Among other things, Kang Junwoo searched for all kinds of bastards in the world before unilaterally notifying me of a place. It was a Korean beef specialty restaurant we’d often gone to before I went to the military. Since it was far from here, it seemed better to take a taxi.
The fluffy spring breeze tickled me. The flowers blooming everywhere I looked were brilliant. Unlike my dismal heart, it was a disgustingly nice day.
“Auntie! Three bottles of soju and 6 servings of kkotdeungshim!”
When I entered the Korean beef specialty restaurant, I could hear Kang Junwoo shouting loudly. It seemed he’d just arrived too. By the way, three bottles of soju? Even if I was in the mood to get wasted on alcohol right now, that was too much.
“What soju in broad daylight?”
“It’s soju because it’s broad daylight. You’re gonna have a fucking lot of questions, right? That’s why you brought up our eldest hyung in such a petty way, fuck. When you’re mentally prepared, talk. Three bottles of soju might not even be enough.”
When I was silent, Kang Junwoo started drinking soju alone and devouring the kkotdeungshim. I hadn’t picked up my chopsticks once, but in that time, 3 servings of kkotdeungshim and a bottle and a half of soju were gone. Anyway, Kang Junwoo’s tolerance was four or five bottles of soju, so this much wouldn’t even reach his liver. Considering Kang Junwoo’s usual patience, waiting this much was record-breaking level.
“Are you mentally prepared?”
“Not yet.”
I drank the soju Kang Junwoo had first poured into my glass. I grimaced as I forcibly swallowed the bitter liquid. Kang Junwoo giggled looking at my expression.
“Are you mentally prepared now?”
“…No.”
“Fuck, how long do you want me to wait? Do you even plan to listen? Whatever, I’ll just talk. You roughly looked into it, right?”
“I’m not mentally prepared yet.”
“You’re fucking around. A harsh bastard like you doesn’t need to mentally prepare or anything, you know?”
Right. Since I couldn’t refute, I brought another glass of soju I couldn’t even drink well to my mouth. It was a taste I couldn’t get used to no matter how much I drank. The color was the same as water, but I didn’t know how it could be this bitter.
“That kid’s a tough one too. After you went off to America and contact was cut, he studied like crazy, and he did end up going to college with a scholarship but…”
“But.”
I cut off his words and tried to pour soju into an empty glass, so I, unable to watch, snatched the bottle and quickly filled his glass. Kang Junwoo shook his head and clicked his tongue, then downed it in one shot. I knew how anxious and frantic I was right now too. So it wasn’t that I didn’t understand Kang Junwoo’s reaction, but I wanted to throw a punch at the bastard dragging out time to make him open his mouth right away. Even though it was actually me who’d been dragging out time with the excuse of not being mentally prepared until now.
“But what!”
“Did you just yell at me? That’s why you shouldn’t have abandoned the kid and cut off contact too, fuck. Why the hell did you get rid of your phone number? After the semester started until graduation, every single day without fail, he asked me if I was in contact with you. So when I said no, he’d return to his seat with spirit and just studied like crazy, that tender kid. Fuck, I almost chased you to America and threw a bomb at you, really.”
I couldn’t deny that I was a coward. I kissed him on my own and then ran away pretending not to know. He must have had many things he was curious about and wanted to ask, but nineteen-year-old me, who was unripe, clumsy, and immature, ultimately chose my own way to survive with the excuse of being for him. It felt like blood was flowing from my barely recovered heart.
I hadn’t even done anything right, but just knowing he asked about me every day made me want to cry.
“Why are you… only telling me this now?”
“After graduation we went to different colleges so contact became sparse, and he was busy going to college, helping with the flower shop, looking after the kid—it was hard to meet even once. So I just hoped you and Kkotmoa would each live well. It’s not like I don’t know why you went to America in the second semester, or why you cut off contact. Ah, fuck.”
“Haah…”
Not knowing what to say, my lips that couldn’t form words let out a sigh. I didn’t know what the hell I’d done. I trembled at my own selfishness. Kang Junwoo tilted his glass and calmly dredged up old memories.
“And after you went to the military, a lot of time passed, so I thought it might be okay and contacted Kkotmoa. Honestly, I did like Kkotmoa a bit when I was in school. All around me are bastards who are either servile or living for their own arrogant satisfaction—there’s no kid with such a firm will and no rough edges like that. I really cherished Kkotmoa as a friend. When I was with him, I felt like I became pure and bright too. But… it was a disconnected number.”
“So.”
“I had my secretary find him. His fathers went into hiding, and Kkotmoa was going from jjimjilbang to jjimjilbang with his younger sibling, and my eyes flipped…”
I couldn’t say anything. My lips that couldn’t form words couldn’t even let out a sigh this time.
Jjimjilbang (찜질방) – Korean bathhouse/sauna
