“Fuck, a bastard who has no friends at school other than me—how do you not contact me even once during leave? Do you even know how many care packages I sent you?”
“Exactly two. Anyone listening would think you sent a ton.”
I tried desperately not to think of him. I followed along to all the freshman orientations and MTs I had no interest in, and participated in every school event I had no interest in without missing a single one. But all those efforts were futile. No matter how hard I tried, there wasn’t a day I didn’t think of him, and I couldn’t erase the memories with him either.
I thought it would be okay once I turned twenty, but nothing had changed.
My first and second years of college ended with me stealing glances at the flower shop on my way home after lectures. No matter how much I vowed not to go tomorrow, my feet always headed toward the flower shop. I went there tediously often, to the point where it seemed impressive that I had endured 6 months in America.
Some days he was there, and some days he wasn’t. Whether he did well on the college entrance exam, which university he got accepted to, what department he went to, whether he received a scholarship, whether his allowance increased now that he was a college student—I could have easily found out if I wanted to know these things I was curious about, but I didn’t. You don’t know how hard I tried to be satisfied with just secretly stealing glances.
Why do I like you?
Why do I only like you?
I questioned myself endlessly, thinking that if I knew the reason, I could find an answer. I thought ceaselessly to find an answer. But even now, I haven’t found that answer. Like clothes getting wet in a drizzle, by the time I came to my senses I was already in love—how could I find the reason for that?
I just like you because you’re you.
It seems like it has to be you and no one else.
My head couldn’t possibly know what my heart was doing.
After spending 2 years like that, I felt I couldn’t live like this anymore. The impulse to stand before him pretending to be casual and asking if he’d been well tormented me. When I turned twenty, an adult age where I could legally buy cigarettes and drink alcohol, I had to comfort myself with difficulty because I could pluck the flower more easily than when I was nineteen.
At nineteen, at twenty, at twenty-one… your happiness came before my happiness.
I don’t know what I was so afraid of, but I ran away once more. Foolish me mistakenly thought that staying far away from him while desiring him was protecting his happiness. Like America, where the distance allowed me to control myself, I needed somewhere to forcibly hold me back.
After returning to Korea, I chased only his shadow for 2 years. Even though I couldn’t step forward, even though I pretended to be fine on the outside, inside I was becoming devastated. For that reason, the military was the best escape. Father was furious because I applied for voluntary enlistment without consulting him, but Mom praised me saying I was admirable. Persuading Father was Mom’s job, and the king of our house was Mom.
“You should feel honored that I even sent you letters. Do you think I write handwritten letters to just anyone? Fuck, a bastard who didn’t write back even once, yet his mouth is so alive.”
“Even elementary school kids these days don’t write care packages like that. ‘Hyeondoya, hello? It’s me, Junwoo.’ I almost threw up from the first line.”
“Even when I write for you, you’re bitching. Whatever. Anyway, it’s the first day of the semester, so let’s go drink soju. Returning students don’t go to their first class. You’ll just make the atmosphere gloomy by being depressing.”
“Ah, what is this crazy bastard saying. Don’t tell me you forgot my alcohol tolerance.”
“I know you pass out after half a bottle of soju, but if you know I’m in my 9th semester because I’m short on credits, cooperate. Fuck, don’t you feel sorry for this brilliant youth rotting at school without being able to take even one leave of absence?”
“…You didn’t take a leave of absence even while I was in the military?”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to, I couldn’t! When my eldest hyung said he’d cut off all my cards if I took a leave and played around, how could I take a leave! I’d rather get buried under a pile of pistols and get disciplined than dream of taking a leave of absence.”
“Pathetic bastard.”
Even as I clicked my tongue, regardless of my will, I was being dragged by Kang Junwoo with the lecture hall for my major class right before my eyes. I had gone underground for 3 months from the time I was discharged until coming to hear lectures today, so I thought I should at least pretend I couldn’t refuse this much. Still, on the day I enlisted, he was the one who saw me off and cried tears and snot by himself even though my own mom didn’t cry.
‘Why are you crying? Am I going to die?’
‘You crazy bastard, it’s because I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for a crazy bastard who voluntarily enlisted in the military when I got exempted. You acted so fucking smart all by yourself, but volunteering for enlistment so ignorantly is fucking pitiful, you crazy bastard, I… Ack! …Ack!’
The guy sobbing got his back smacked several times by my mom’s fierce hand. For the crime of constantly calling someone else’s precious son a crazy bastard. He said crazy bastard wasn’t what ajumma thought, but rather beautiful (美) mi and親 親親 親親 close (親) chin, so it meant ‘beautifully close guy,’ and got smacked on the back more. Saying that ‘guy/bastard’ is also a curse word, why are you calling someone else’s precious son a ‘guy.’
At that time, I was more surprised that Kang Junwoo, who couldn’t even write his own name in Chinese characters, knew beautiful (美) mi and close (親) chin. Though I also simply thought he probably still couldn’t write them in Chinese characters. Anyway, thanks to Mom and Kang Junwoo, I enlisted cheerfully with a smile.
While struggling to hide my heart that missed you, that wanted to see you.
Hoping that my heart that desired you, that liked you, could please stop.
My escape, having stolen a glance at him even the day before enlistment, was neither a complete success nor a complete failure. Every time I got leave, I spent time with my family at home without telling anyone, and it was the same after discharge. Sometimes I regretted—if I was going to end up not even being able to be friends with him like this, I should have rather confessed until he accepted me and followed him around until he got sick of it, so why did I always only run away and try to cut things off?
But I know too. Even if I turned back time, I would make the same choice without an inch of error. The gap between my family circumstances and my heart made me face reality, and to nineteen-year-old me who could only make the excuse of being young, who feared the words of rejection that would come from him, that was the best I could do.
The well-maintained campus had colorful flowers of unknown names in bloom. At one time, just seeing the flowers in our house’s garden, or no, even just one flower blooming on the roadside would remind me of him and I would pant with longing and my heart would collapse. But whether the saying that time is medicine is true, before I knew it, looking at flowers no longer hurt.
Only, the longing just grew infinitely deeper.
However, my one-sided love had completely ended. My first love had completely disappeared without a trace.
This morning, thinking I’d see it one last time, I took a taxi past the flower shop to come to school. But the flower shop wasn’t there. Even before I went to the military, the flower shop had been there, but in its place sat a famous bakery chain store. Since the word of mouth had been buzzing from D Group even before I went to America, it seemed business had gone well and they had moved to a place with better geographical location.
Was it fortunate or unfortunate that I could no longer even steal glances at you?
Using the excuse that I couldn’t pluck the flower, that I couldn’t ruin him, I ran away, and having run away twice at that—to America and to the military—my heart that still couldn’t let go of him was shameless. Since he was a capable kid, I consoled myself vaguely that he must be living well. Since he was a kid with strong principles, I comforted myself that he must still be smiling prettily and being happy. So I resolved not to look for him. Since I was going to see him for the last time today anyway, that seemed better.
Even without you by my side, spring comes every year as always and flowers bloom fragrantly. My flower that must be blooming somewhere would be shining with more beautiful and lovely vivid colors than the campus flowers, but thinking that I could no longer see it made my heart feel heavy.
Passing the incomparably beautiful spring I spent with you, I was now brushing past my fifth spring without you.
* * *
The first Friday of the semester, the Business Administration Department freshman welcome party held by renting out an entire pub in front of the school was noisy and boisterous as always. I had memories of wasting time following along to all school events in my first and second years trying to forget him, so my plan to live as a voluntary outsider until graduation was completely ruined because of Kang Junwoo. The fact that I was sitting here alone proved it.
True to his nickname of ‘Freshman Killer,’ Kang Junwoo got a campus couple every time freshmen entered. It was ironic that the guy who desperately only dated older college students when he was in high school now only looked for younger ones once he actually became an adult. Even now, the sight of him looking around with gleaming eyes like a starving hyena was pathetic.
“Hyeondo sunbae-nim, do you remember my name?”
The girl sitting across from me asked with a bright smile. Since I was forcibly dragged here by Kang Junwoo anyway, I didn’t properly listen to whatever the kids were chattering about. So naturally, even if she had said her name during self-introductions, there was no way I would remember it.
Even though I desperately participated in many department events before going to the military, I still didn’t memorize the kids’ names. I had no interest itself. When I was in high school, I didn’t feel the need to fit in since we’d be playing in different waters once we entered society anyway, and now, no matter how impressive the kids were, they were at a different starting line from me, so I didn’t feel the need to get particularly close. After returning to school, not even half of the kids I hung out with in my first and second years with Kang Junwoo remained. Honestly, I was hazy about those kids’ names now too.
“Jung Sua. Junwoo sunbae-nim said that you’re not good at memorizing kids’ names, sunbae-nim.”
As if. It’s not that I can’t memorize them, I just don’t feel the need to.
No matter how good my memory was, I would just let things I didn’t particularly care about flow by. Then, while other information I needed filled in, the things I let flow by were forgotten as if I’d never even heard them. This kid’s name was the same. But that bastard Kang Junwoo made me out to be an idiot who can’t memorize names. It didn’t matter anyway, since I had no intention of wasting my memory on unnecessary things going forward either.
“Um, could you give me your number, sunbae-nim?”
“…Why.”
“Because I want to get close to sunbae-nim. Actually, the day before yesterday I saw sunbae-nim at the main building and fell for you…”
“Ya.”
“…Yes?”
She looked a bit surprised, perhaps flustered that I suddenly cut her off. I didn’t care whether she was or wasn’t. I had been receiving this kind of approach endlessly since entering university. What did they know about me—it had been a long time since words like falling for me or liking me, based on just seeing my appearance or background, stopped evoking any feelings in me.
