“Jang Juwon.”
He felt the strength drain from Ahn Jaeon’s hands holding him. Jang Juwon quickly turned his head. As soon as their eyes met, he saw him turn his body.
“Wait…… Sunbae!”
He had to catch him. He had to say it was a misunderstanding. He hurriedly sprang up from his seat. He tried to run out just like that, but was caught again by the firm hand obstructing him. Anger surged to the top of his head.
“Let go, you son of a bitch!”
“Juwon-ah.”
“You, you did that on purpose, didn’t you? You knew everything and deliberately……!”
He wanted to slap the cheek right in front of him and curse him out, but he held back. The more time he wasted here, the farther away from him he would get. He didn’t have time to waste on Ahn Jaeon.
“Yeah. I did it on purpose.”
A smile appeared on Ahn Jaeon’s face. A smile filled with bitterness, far from joy. Even though he was the one who committed such a shitty act, the way he acted as if he was the wounded one was detestable.
“……Fuck!”
Jang Juwon shook off Ahn Jaeon and ran out of the lecture hall. He could see Baek Iseon’s back as he passed through the corridor in the distance. I can still catch up. I can resolve this with conversation. Jang Juwon called out to him loudly.
“Sunbae!”
But he didn’t turn around.
“Hyung!”
“……”
“—Baek Iseon!!”
Only then did Baek Iseon stop walking. Jang Juwon ran again. In the empty corridor of late afternoon, heavy footsteps echoed.
“Haa, let’s talk, please…… Just listen to me……”
Jang Juwon spat out words without even catching his breath. Baek Iseon slowly turned around. Cold eyes he’d never seen before were staring at him.
“Jang Juwon.”
“That was, I……”
He needed to pour out the words filling his head quickly, but his mouth kept freezing because of that gaze.
“So……”
“Just a hyung you were close with, right?”
“Just now that was……”
“Do you usually kiss when you’re close with someone?”
“That was a misunderstanding!”
“Right, of course it must be. You clearly said he was just a hyung you were close with.”
He ran his hand through his hair and quietly stared into the air. Even though his gaze had fallen away, the chill settled in his body showed no signs of disappearing. Baek Iseon already knew it was a misunderstanding. But still, he was angry. And Jang Juwon could soon understand the reason.
“Jang Juwon. Was he really just someone you were close with?”
“Actually…… we dated for about a year.”
“Ha.”
At the finally revealed truth, Baek Iseon let out a deflating sound and laughed. His head dropped powerlessly toward the floor. His eyes filled with fatigue were vaguely narrowing their scope.
“Only when things have come to this do you tell me.”
“Right now we’re completely over……!”
“It didn’t seem that way.”
The deeply laid voice had thorns. They flew straight at him and stabbed Jang Juwon. He’d clearly said it was a misunderstanding. He hadn’t expected his anger to be resolved immediately, but he wasn’t listening to him at all. He was right in front of him, yet seemed so far away.
“I told you just now it was a misunderstanding, Ahn Jaeon did it on his own……!”
“No, it’s fine.”
Baek Iseon’s gaze was still directed at the air. Jang Juwon quietly looked into his lover’s eyes that absolutely refused to meet his. The eyes that had always held him were empty. It was unfamiliarly chilling.
“Sunbae……”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear any more. I don’t want to hear anything.”
“Why? I’ll explain everything……!”
“No! I’m afraid of the words that will come out of your mouth. I feel like you’ll break me down. When I look at you, I feel like my head will go crazy. You make me not myself.”
Jang Juwon couldn’t say anything. He’d thought he was becoming more and more certain about this relationship, but that seemed to have been only his own delusion. He, his lover, had been growing anxious without him knowing. Was that all it was? Was he unable to give even that much trust?
“Jang Juwon, I’m…… afraid of this relationship. I don’t know what to do. I thought it would be enough to just like each other, but I guess not even that.”
“I like you, I like……”
“Later. Let’s talk later. Right now, I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”
He wanted to say he liked him, that was enough, but he refused to even hear those words. No, he was afraid.
“I need time to think.”
“Sunbae……!”
“Let’s stay apart for a while.”
Baek Iseon turned his body and started walking again. He was gradually getting farther away. Jang Juwon felt anger surging up. What was so scary that he wouldn’t let him say even one word? What on earth……
“Baek Iseon!!”
“—You son of a bitch!!”
He called out desperately, but he didn’t turn around.
* * *
He heard unwelcome footsteps from behind. Jang Juwon whipped his body around.
“Juwon-ah.”
“Shut up.”
Deep black eyes filled with moisture were swaying faintly. Jang Juwon was weak to those deep eyes whose depth he couldn’t gauge. If this situation hadn’t happened, he might have sympathized with Ahn Jaeon again and accepted his affectionate goodwill, let him call his name, confess his love, and embrace him. But Ahn Jaeon had crossed the line.
Jang Juwon approached Ahn Jaeon with large strides. In those large eyes seen from close up, only he was completely contained. Jang Juwon struck his cheek without hesitation. A harsh popping sound filled the empty corridor and disappeared. Ahn Jaeon didn’t respond at all. So Jang Juwon opened his mouth instead.
“I thought you were pitiful.”
“……”
“That’s why I couldn’t do this earlier, I guess.”
“……Juwon-ah.”
“You’re trash who doesn’t even respect my feelings.”
Ahn Jaeon’s face, which had found its place, was all distorted. His narrowed eyes were so cold they hurt to look at. Jang Juwon thought that was nasty. Ahn Jaeon wasn’t the person who should be making those eyes. It was absurd. Wasn’t this the result he wanted? Why was he making a wounded face?
“Don’t make that expression.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? What are you sorry for, you son of a bitch. Isn’t this the result you wanted? Smile! It turned out the way you wanted!!”
He screamed at him like crazy. Even so, his anger wasn’t resolved.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong…… Don’t hate me……”
Finally, tears began to flow down Ahn Jaeon’s cheeks. In the past, he would have wanted to wipe away those tears. Jang Juwon felt all the strength drain from his body. So he withdrew the hand he was about to strike again. You shitty bastard. Just do one thing, just one……
“If you can’t even do shitty things properly, why did you do it?”
“I’m worried about you.”
Ahn Jaeon’s eyes held sincerity, and Jang Juwon read it.
“You’ll definitely get hurt. Baek Iseon is……”
“It’s okay.”
A fairly resolute answer came out. Just as Ahn Jaeon’s worry was sincere, Jang Juwon’s resolve was also sincere. This wasn’t some trick. Yeah, he was truly okay and would continue to be.
“Having been through it once, I get it now. I…… will be okay. Yeah, it’s okay to get hurt. I can recover again.”
“Juwon-ah……”
“Thanks to you, Ahn Jaeon.”
“Please don’t say that……!”
Ahn Jaeon knew what Jang Juwon was going to say. And that those words would tear him apart.
“Thank you for abandoning me.”
“Jang Juwon!”
Jang Juwon felt his head clearing. It seemed like the wounds from the past he’d received from Ahn Jaeon had finally all healed. He’d tried so hard not to like someone just because he was afraid of getting hurt, but it was useless. In the end, he came to like Baek Iseon and made a new start. Thanks to the two of them, he learned that it was stupid to be scared of an unclear future and not even start. So it would be okay. Even if someday Baek Iseon left him.
But not now.
“You said you were worried.”
“Yeah.”
“Worry all you want. At least we won’t break up because of someone like you.”
