“What, me fucking you?”
“Really, even when I say something, you always…”
Jang Juwon grumbled quietly. Baek Iseon gently smoothed his lover’s disheveled hair while laughing teasingly. Jang Juwon stuck out his lips and muttered sullenly in a small voice.
“I like you, sunbae… I like sunbae…”
At those words, Baek Iseon felt something inside him snap.
“You’ll have to take responsibility for those words.”
Baek Iseon grabbed Jang Juwon’s round shoulders. And just like that, they fell onto the bed together. Jang Juwon’s eyes widened in surprise, then he soon curved the corners of his eyes and wrapped his arms around his neck.
* * *
“Stay over tonight. I’ll take you to school tomorrow.”
“Okay…”
Drowsiness oozed from Jang Juwon’s voice. He blinked those large eyes slowly as if unable to overcome the pouring sleepiness, then quickly fell asleep.
Baek Iseon sat quietly beside him, looking down at his sleeping face, then impulsively kissed him. He recalled his eyes that had been shaking anxiously beneath his closed lids.
‘You do like me, right?’
He thought he’d shown him enough, but apparently not. Just whispering that he wanted him and liked him didn’t seem to be enough. He didn’t know what more to do here to erase his anxiety. Does he still not trust me?
‘I can’t trust you, sunbae.’
When he first heard those words, he didn’t care. To put it another way, it was the same as Jang Juwon saying he liked him. All he needed was time. Time to reveal his feelings by his side. Jang Juwon allowed Baek Iseon by his side, and Baek Iseon showed him his heart. And the moment he thought Juwon had certainty, they became lovers. He thought everything would go smoothly after that…
Instead, now that they were lovers, his heart leapt at even his smallest reactions. His slightly trembling eyes and voice filled with hesitation, his fluttering eyelashes—all those actions touched his nerves.
Dating was truly a difficult thing. Baek Iseon picked up his phone. He needed advice, and there was only one person who could give him advice. He didn’t want to, but he had no choice but to press the call button on his phone.
– Baek Iseon? You’re calling me first? What’s the occasion?
A chirpy voice came from the other end of the phone. He seemed quite pleased that he’d called first. That’s why he didn’t want to say these things to him even more, but right now he had to grasp at straws. He said to his straw,
“Hyung. I’m dating someone.”
– What? Who? Name, age, occupation—no, how did you meet? Tell me everything without leaving anything out!
“Haa… Forget it. I’m just going to hang up.”
– Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. So hasty.
“…”
– If you don’t want to say, don’t. I’m not curious at all. Really!
Baek Myeongseon’s urgent voice came from the other end of the phone. Baek Iseon turned his gaze outside the window to cool his irritation.
“So…”
– Yeah, yeah.
“I thought things were going well…”
– Yeah, yeah!
“Lately, he seems… a bit anxious. He’s asking me if I really like him.”
– How long have you been dating, hm?
“Hyung.”
– No, no! This is an important question.
“Not quite a month yet.”
– Then that’s natural! It’s not strange.
“It’s not strange…?”
– Yeah! Everyone is anxious in the early stages of dating.
“…Really?”
– Yeah, of course. You haven’t been dating long, so it can be like that.
“Then… what should I do?”
– Well, contact them regularly, tell them you like them often…
“I’m already doing that.”
– So, what kind of person is it that you’re…
Click. Baek Iseon hung up the phone. He’d heard what he wanted to hear. So it was right to end the conversation before Baek Myeongseon’s interrogation began. It didn’t seem to help much, but the fact that he said it was normal did reassure him a little.
He’d been contacting him regularly. Rather, lately it was Jang Juwon who’d been less responsive. Sometimes he didn’t answer calls, took hours to reply to texts, or unilaterally canceled lunch appointments. Of course, he knew well that such things could happen since he was in school. And saying he liked him… hadn’t he said it often? At this point, it seemed like he should be the anxious one.
Baek Iseon gently stroked the sleeping Jang Juwon’s hair.
“I like you. Jang Juwon, I like you.”
My lover, who had fallen into a deep sleep, gave no response. But it didn’t matter. There was no need for confirmation. I knew his heart better than anyone else.
‘It’s still okay. There’s nothing to be anxious about.’
Baek Iseon muttered words in his heart, not knowing who they were directed toward.
* * *
In the afternoon after class ended, Jang Juwon was waiting for Baek Iseon in front of the Engineering Building. In any case, Ahn Jaeon had probably roughly figured out the relationship between me and Baek Iseon from that day’s encounter. Since it had come to this, it was better to act naturally. If I thought about it somewhat optimistically, he might think of the relationship between Baek Iseon and me as just close sunbae-hoobae. Still, I wanted to avoid a three-way confrontation like last time if possible.
That’s why Jang Juwon kept anxiously checking his unresponsive phone again and again. It was nearly the time Baek Iseon said he’d come, but there was still no contact. It seemed his class was running a bit late.
Unable to bear it, just as Jang Juwon was checking his phone once more, there was someone approaching him. After confirming Jang Juwon’s slightly furrowed eyebrows as he gazed endlessly at his phone, he struggled to suppress his twitching lips. Then he slowly approached him. He happened to have business today anyway. So at the very least, he shouldn’t have to hear the words “fuck off.”
“Juwon-ah.”
Jang Juwon’s head snapped up. His lively eyes quickly lost their light, and the corners of his mouth that had risen sharply drooped downward. His face clearly showed disappointment upon confirming it wasn’t the person he was waiting for. There was a time when that sparkling expression had been natural for me. Ahn Jaeon forced a smile. Let’s be satisfied with being able to dream of the past, even if just for a moment.
“You left your bag.”
“…Ah.”
Ahn Jaeon held out the bag he had left at the restaurant a few days ago. Jang Juwon accepted the bag he offered with an awkward gesture and nodded his head once. And then he turned his gaze away again. His tightly closed lips and slightly turned shoulders made his meaning clear. It meant “leave now.”
However, Ahn Jaeon lifted the corners of his mouth even higher than before and lingered around without leaving, wandering about the area. He too was conveying meaning with his gestures.
Jang Juwon raised his eyebrows slightly. Ahn Jaeon staying around and not leaving bothered him. If he hadn’t heard those words that day, he would have just grabbed his bag and moved to avoid him.
‘I love you, Juwon-ah.’
Once upon a time, those words made me happy. But now those words weighed heavily on my chest. Because of the thought that I wasn’t the only one who had wandered for the past year. Probably, Ahn Jaeon had also fought countless battles. As a result, he said he chose to return to me instead of his family, and said he still loved me. And Jang Juwon chose to deny him and run away.
He felt uncomfortable. His face smiling as if nothing was wrong made me feel sour, and his affectionate voice calling my name made me ache. So I couldn’t push him away coldly. In the end, Jang Juwon lost.
“…Let’s go somewhere private to talk.”
“Yeah…”
He smiled, narrowing his eyes. That somewhat painful smile was confusing—whether it was because the autumn sunlight was dazzling, or because of his bitter feelings.
Jang Juwon headed to the back of the Engineering Building. Usually smokers would sometimes gather here to smoke cigarettes, but fortunately no one was there, perhaps because it was lunchtime. A faint, stuffy cigarette smell drifted about. Jang Juwon considered having a smoke but gave up. Because he remembered that Ahn Jaeon hated cigarette smoke. Instead, he just stood in place and tapped the ground with his toes for no reason. His gaze remained fixed at that spot too.
“I have nothing to say.”
Jang Juwon spoke first.
“I just want to treat it like it never happened. I’ll accept the apology.”
He gave no answer. He had made such a show of having something to say, yet at this moment he was keeping his mouth shut.
Jang Juwon raised his head. His eyes widened for a moment. He was shedding tears.
“Hyung…”
“Juwon-ah, am I really not an option? Are we really over like this? Can’t we start again? We were good together, weren’t we…”
He took another step forward. Jang Juwon didn’t step back and let him close the distance. It was a kind of consideration, if you could call it that.
“…Is it because of Baek Iseon?”
He didn’t answer the question that came rushing in. So he did notice after all.
“Ha, I was right.”
“It’s not like that. It’s just, we’re over now. So that’s why hyung won’t work anymore.”
