I remembered the first kiss.
Too rushed from the start.
As soon as my words ended, Kang Sehyun grabbed my nape and kissed me right away. The lips that approached without warning rubbed against mine as if to swallow them whole this time.
Hot breath filled with deep heat rushed in through the gap that opened.
“Mmph…!”
His tongue tip, standing stiff, pushed between my lips and coiled around my tongue, sucking it strongly. As I chased his movements as if responding to match him, the flesh that had swept over the tender inner flesh stirred inside. When the thick flesh constricting my tongue pressed down on the roof of my mouth, my head naturally tilted back.
While kissing in a dizzying rush, my body pushed by force hit the wall, and my back quickly became cold.
My shoulder caught in a grip stronger than I imagined hurt. The more excited he got, the more strength went into the thigh pressing between my legs.
Since I started it, I didn’t run away this time. I had no intention of stopping either. Instead of biting his tongue pleadingly, I moved my tongue to match Kang Sehyun’s pace. It was my own effort to convey to him my feelings that I couldn’t easily express in words.
A long kiss continued. Whenever our lips tried to separate even a little, we clung to each other persistently, neither of us first. Every time I lifted my eyelids sporadically, his lowered eyes were looking at me.
His hand passed over my pelvis and grasped my waist. I wrapped my free arms around Kang Sehyun’s neck. The warmth touching my skin was hot rather than warm. As the burning heat rose along the curves of my body, goosebumps rose along my spine.
“Ngh…”
Before long, my breathing became rough from the hot breath that filled the inside without gaps. My uncontrolled breathing flowed out like a moan.
The impatient movements became more urgent. The hastily parted lips pressed down on my ear and nape in turn, then briefly crashed against my lips again. At the same time, Kang Sehyun, who had taken his hands off my body, stared straight at me.
“I won’t let you off even if you beg today.”
I laughed.
“Unnecessary worry.”
I thought about it so many times all day. That I wanted to see Kang Sehyun.
After wondering why, how I kept thinking about a face I saw every day without rest, there was only one answer. I liked Kang Sehyun to the point where my head couldn’t keep up with my heart. When it came to anything related to Kang Sehyun, my emotions swelled to the point where I could no longer find an answer to the question “why,” making it impossible to think rationally.
With such feelings, I couldn’t just run away like a coward. I didn’t want to do the selfish thing of leaving everything to him anymore.
My chest swelled greatly and deflated with each breath. I was nervous enough to suffocate, but an even greater anticipation followed. Like on the way here to meet Kang Sehyun, with each step I took.
I climbed onto the bed that had always seemed dauntingly wide without hesitation. As I leaned my back against the soft bedding and looked at Kang Sehyun, my lips were swallowed again. While sweet stimulation went back and forth inside my mouth ceaselessly, the pretenses that had been precariously hanging fell away one by one.
“Haah…”
His explicit gaze touched my entire body. Just that alone made somewhere in my body tingle. Thump thump, my ears felt stuffy from the sound of my heart beating without rest.
A firm palm pulled my waist. For me, who had never properly touched anyone, the sensation of another person’s flesh touching me was an overwhelming emotion that couldn’t be expressed in any words. A crazily pleasant sensation spread throughout my body along my back. The strength drained from my stiffly tense body in an instant.
“Don’t close your eyes.”
His brown eyes swayed greatly. The unfamiliar gaze that seemed both anxious and angry tightened something inside my body. Kang Sehyun’s face, with not even a bit of composure left, aroused greater excitement.
“…I can’t close them anyway because it’s too precious.”
Looking at him constantly crashing into me, my reason couldn’t keep up with instinct. In my head, I tried hard to think of what to do next, but my broken judgment gave my entire body to him like a drunk person.
After overcoming the inexplicable shame, I was grateful that the person before my eyes was Kang Sehyun. It was only because of that fact that I could endure the tingling pain beating against my body and the roughly crashing stimulation.
The consecutive pounding of my heart painfully beat my chest.
The moment I let go of the reason I’d been holding onto until the end, happiness came. I was fortunate that there were no other memories that could cover this moment, that the only person I could remember was Kang Sehyun.
It was my “first.”
***
My eyes opened out of habit.
When I lifted my heavy eyelids, the quiet dawn had passed and morning was coming. Rays of light were seeping in through the open blinds.
My memory was hazy so I couldn’t know the exact situation, but even in my dazed state, I could tell that I was now leaning my head on Kang Sehyun’s chest in his embrace. Surprisingly, the sound of a heartbeat heard from where we touched and the warmth felt in his broad embrace brought a comfort I’d never felt before.
I realized once again that what I imagined in my head and reality were very different.
I hadn’t even moved much, but just fidgeting a bit woke him up.
Instead of telling me to go back to sleep like last time, a large hand patted my back. Pat pat, my heart pounded along with the touch that came at regular intervals.
And then, I dozed off to sleep again.
“It was really cold today. It’s snowing outside.”
I was already used to snow in mid-February. That wasn’t important right now. More problematic was the existence of the square box visible before my eyes.
While I was sleeping, Kang Sehyun said he had something to get and went out. In Kang Sehyun’s hands when he returned was a luxurious-looking box.
A fairly solid-looking black box with a white ribbon attached to the square corner. A large logo finished with silver embossing. On the exterior that didn’t look like it at all, the word “Chocolate” was engraved small.
No way.
“Is it that surprising?”
I looked up with a surprised expression. Kang Sehyun, who had gone out early in the morning and returned, was smiling as he took off the white padding that had brought in the cold wind.
“It’s today, Valentine’s Day.”
“Who doesn’t know that?”
“Then what’s the problem?”
That’s the problem. This situation where only you prepare and only I get to be satisfied.
“It’s not even that great, just chocolate. I deliberately bought the least sweet one—is it no good?”
“No, rather than no good…”
I didn’t know you’d prepare something. I was about to say, but closed my mouth. Thinking about it, the Kang Sehyun I knew was the most affectionate person to his lover. Why didn’t I anticipate that Kang Sehyun would naturally have prepared something?
I resented myself from yesterday for carelessly just letting it pass.
“Then take it. It was later than I thought, so I barely got it in time.”
“Where did you buy it?”
“Texas.”
For just buying chocolate…
I thought it would be a famous department store on nearby Michigan Avenue, but I didn’t expect the name of another state to pop out. My heart became heavier, much heavier.
Out of guilt, I slowly moved my hands to unwrap it. When I opened the box, there was chocolate that was more ordinary than I expected. The roughly broken pieces of chocolate were close to black like the box.
“I’ll enjoy it.”
“You don’t have to eat it now, so eat it later. Take it home and eat it with other people.”
“Still, there’s the sincerity of the person who bought it.”
“Then at least eat after you’ve had a meal.”
An indifferent hand took the box that was in my hands. I felt like it was given then taken away, but honestly, I was also relieved since I didn’t want to put anything in my mouth right now.
“Can you go to work?”
My body ached here and there from unfamiliar muscle pain, but it wasn’t to the point where I couldn’t walk at all. However, I went to sleep late at dawn so I was still a bit sleep-deprived, but there was still plenty of time before going to work.
“Mm… probably.”
I meant I’d be fine, but Kang Sehyun’s brow furrowed.
“That’s why I tried to hold back until today.”
“With that strong mental fortitude to hold back, couldn’t you have gone a bit easier?”
At my blunt words, his thin lips curved up crookedly.
“Well, who told you to attack me?”
Kang Sehyun, who had taken off all his outerwear, sat on the bed in his thin t-shirt. He came to my side and swept back my not-quite-dry hair.
“You should’ve told me in advance it was today. Then I would’ve held back a bit too.”
“Well, still, it passed 12 o’clock, so I achieved my goal.”
If he’d deliberately targeted Saturday when I didn’t have work or school the next day, it should be considered a failure, but for some reason, Kang Sehyun said the conclusion was success. Not understanding, I asked again. Then he said there was a more important reason than that.
“Because I just had to do it on February 14th.”
“Because it’s Valentine’s Day?”
“Yeah.”
I knew he was affectionate, but I never dreamed he’d be romantic enough to match the first time to a special day. Just as I was thinking it really didn’t suit him, I heard a more serious voice than ever.
“That way, I’ll remember it every year.”
Every year.
That single word he brought out as if it were natural made my heart flutter.
Will I be able to spend every year with you from now on?
I was both curious about and looked forward to the uncertain future that was still far away. I shouldn’t place hope in the future that no one knows, but it seemed like that future with him would be very happy.
So for the first time, I became greedy.
Even if someday we can’t be together, at least let us make enough memories to last a lifetime.
