He likes me.
I, he likes me.
Kang Sehyun likes me.
If I’d anticipated it even a little, I would have forced myself to act calm, but he said such important words too casually, and at such an absurd timing, that I failed at managing my expression.
“…Crazy.”
Kang Sehyun, who had thrown out such an incredible statement, laughed in the middle of all this.
“Didn’t you expect it?”
“…Of course not.”
“Why didn’t you expect it? I thought you would have guessed from when I said I had something to tell you.”
I would have if only you hadn’t cut off contact.
I hadn’t seen him for two weeks, and we hadn’t contacted each other for a week. So I thought he was trying to sort out his feelings about me during that time. But what actually came back were the exact opposite words.
I had forgotten. Come to think of it, Kang Sehyun always exceeded my expectations. It had been that way from when we first met.
After coming to my senses, I worried about what I should say. Normally after receiving a confession, first you say thank you, then sorry—that’s what it would usually be, but in this situation, such an ordinary answer couldn’t come out.
“Kang Sehyun.”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry for asking the same thing, but let me ask one more time. What do you want me to do now?”
“I told you. Like me.”
I was dumbfounded. I never thought the words he’d casually dropped last time were serious. I thought something similar would come out like, think about it seriously, or take your time thinking about it.
“Do you know what that means?”
“What?”
“You liking me and me liking you too.”
“Do you think I’ve become an idiot in the meantime?”
“Then would someone who knows say something like that?”
I like you, you like me too, la-la-la holding hands, day 1 from today. If everything could be that easy, I wouldn’t have worried in the first place.
“What’s there that we can’t do? There’s no problem with liking each other.”
“It is a problem. I don’t know about other people, but for you and me, it’s a problem.”
“Why?”
“Why? Obviously—”
“Because we’re both men?”
“…You know that. Even knowing that, you think there’s no problem?”
Kang Sehyun didn’t answer and just stared at me blankly. For a few seconds, he met my eyes silently, then spoke bluntly.
“Even a man would fall for me.”
“What?”
“Me. You said I’m handsome enough for even men to fall for. You also have a face that works everywhere. Regardless of nationality, regardless of age, and regardless of gender.”
“…Why are you suddenly bringing that up?”
“That’s why it’s not a problem. You and me, we’re both attractive enough for even men to fall for. We naturally have reasons to be that way with each other, so what’s the problem?”
…Wow, what kind of logic is this?
What Kang Sehyun was saying was crazy talk. But what was even more maddening was that I couldn’t think of words to refute this absurd logic.
“Can’t we just date like everyone else? Normally.”
“How can we date normally when it’s absolutely not normal?”
“Then let’s try it even if it’s not normal.”
“Why would I date you?”
“Because I’m rich.”
“…”
“I have a lot of money. That’s your ideal type. So date me.”
The moment I heard the word “date” from Kang Sehyun, I remembered thinking the words “Kang Sehyun” and “gay” together in my head recently. Could it be more mismatched? Kang Sehyun and dating.
Even though I’d seen Kang Sehyun date someone for over two years, I’d almost never felt like he was in love. So it was difficult to imagine him passionately loving someone in the future either.
I remembered what the hyungs had said about Kang Sehyun a long time ago. That he was good to his girlfriend, but they didn’t know if it was because he really liked her.
‘He must love her a lot. …Why?’
‘No, I’m just really amazed that conclusion came out.’
‘Why is that amazing?’
‘Once you know Kang Sehyun, those words would never come out.’
Right, that’s how it was.
At the time, I didn’t understand what the hyungs meant. At first, I only saw the outward appearance of Kang Sehyun being sweet to his lover. But as time passed, I realized. Kang Sehyun did what the other person wanted and never cheated, but that sweet and sincere appearance was more due to a sense of responsibility toward the person he was dating rather than loving them. So rather than dating, it should be seen as him trying his best to date.
Even when he had a girlfriend he’d dated for such a long time, it was like that, and now with me… he wants to do that? Whether normal or not, thinking about it, that wasn’t the problem.
“Sungha.”
I lifted my head at the warm voice calling me. Seeing my serious expression, Kang Sehyun pressed my crumpled forehead firmly.
“You know what? Right now, you’re only judging whether this makes sense or not.”
“Of course I have to judge. You’re the strange one. Does this make sense? How—”
“It’s not that, beyond whether it works or not, originally the words ‘I don’t want to’ should come out first.”
“…”
“If you’re not immediately saying you don’t want to, then there’s hope for me too.”
He was right.
The reason all of this was a problem was because I was worried about what would happen after accepting. That meant I had a considerably large desire to accept Kang Sehyun’s confession.
Until Kang Sehyun went to Korea, I was normal. I wanted Kang Sehyun not to like me, and even if he did, I hoped he wouldn’t confess, and even if he confessed, I had no intention of accepting. So while we were apart, I prayed that Kang Sehyun would think of me as a friend again.
I definitely did that… While praying for Kang Sehyun to become normal, I became the strange one.
“…Sometimes I wish you were a little less smart.”
Hearing my words, Kang Sehyun burst into laughter with a snicker.
“Don’t laugh. That doesn’t mean I’m accepting right away.”
“But it’s positive, right?”
“Probably.”
It was what Kang Sehyun had said not long ago.
Probably.
My current state was the same “probably” as Kang Sehyun’s back then.
“I’ll wait.”
Kang Sehyun’s face saying that showed composure. As if he knew I would say this, and as if he knew this ambiguous feeling would soon completely tilt toward his side.
***
“Buy this one.”
“It’s expensive.”
“It’s only a 3-dollar difference, just buy it.”
“There’s not much difference, and there’s no reason to pay 3 dollars more.”
With our definitely different sense of economy, we’d been bickering for several minutes over 3 dollars about whether that amount was “only 3 dollars” or “a whole 3 dollars.”
“There’s nothing different from this, it’s just expensive because of the brand. Since it’s a consumable anyway, the brand doesn’t matter.”
“Then what about the wine opener earlier? You picked the most expensive one. I have no idea what your standard is.”
“That’s not a consumable. For things like that, it’s better to buy a good one and use it for a long time.”
“Hmm.”
Kang Sehyun still had an expression of not understanding.
“Anyway, just buy roughly.”
“No.”
Even though I clearly said no, the large hand picked up the item on the far left. A reproach followed asking how many minutes I was going to agonize over buying just one laundry detergent.
“I didn’t know the one I usually used was discontinued.”
“Even so, who agonizes that long?”
“I’m examining and choosing carefully. Otherwise, I’ll regret it. Detergent comes in large quantities, so I have to use it for a long time.”
“If you don’t like it, just throw it away and buy new. Isn’t that what people usually do?”
Only you do that, you bastard.
The habit of examining carefully wasn’t just because of money. It was because I hated having to throw away what’s left more than having to pay money to buy something new when I bought the wrong thing. So especially when buying large quantities, I chose more carefully.
“What about fabric softener?”
“This one.”
“This one is 2 dollars more expensive than that one?”
“Still, this one. …For fabric softener, I can’t help it because of the scent.”
An incredulous look followed. I hurriedly tried to make excuses, but the expression showed no sign of being persuaded.
“If there’s nothing more to buy, over there.”
Kang Sehyun, who had looked like he had more to say, moved his steps to the beer section without saying anything particular. Looking at the straight back pushing the cart ahead, I recalled what happened a few days ago.
Today was the fourth day since I received Kang Sehyun’s confession.
After the confession, Kang Sehyun, who had returned to America a whole week early, stayed at my place from Monday with the excuse that he had nothing to do. After a day passed and from the second day, I said I’d go to Kang Sehyun’s officetel after work ended, but leaving his own place that was several times larger than my apartment, he insisted on sleeping on the narrow living room sofa.
‘It’s uncomfortable. I’ll just go to your place.’
‘No. You have to come back the next day because of work anyway.’
I wanted to ask how many days he was planning to stay, but I didn’t ask, thinking, surely he won’t stay three nights in a row. And finally today when he said he was going home, I thought okay, but exactly three hours after leaving, he came back.
‘Let’s go grocery shopping.’
As soon as he returned, Kang Sehyun, who had rummaged through the refrigerator on his own, said with a frown.
How long is he planning to stay this time that he wants to go grocery shopping?
Kang Sehyun, who had swept in a bunch of the beer I like, gestured toward me standing far away.
“What do you want for snacks? Come and choose.”
“I don’t care about anything.”
“Still, look carefully. You need to examine this and that again.”
“…Are you teasing me?”
“It’s a compliment.”
Kang Sehyun, who raised the corners of his mouth playfully, reached out and patted my back a couple of times. My heart stirred for a moment at the casual touch. It was a strange situation where the one who confessed was fine, but I, the one who received the confession, was the one getting nervous.
Kang Sehyun hadn’t changed even after confessing. Coming over often was the same as before, and being sweet was the same too.
So our relationship was also the same, but surprisingly, the other person’s habits and actions I already knew felt new after the confession. Even though tapping my back or putting an arm around my shoulder were physical contacts we’d always done, I got unnecessarily nervous, and my heart fluttered at trivial words.
“What do you like?”
Nachos were too boring, and just buying chips felt like we’d need some other snacks, so after agonizing between the two, I left the decision to him. Kang Sehyun, who had been staring down at me from right next to me, tossed out a half-hearted answer.
“Whatever you like.”
This is it. These kinds of trivial words. My heart thumped and stirred.
Only 4 days since receiving Kang Sehyun’s confession.
Today, just the fourth day since answering “probably.”
Kang Sehyun hadn’t changed, and our relationship was the same as before.
But.
Only my feelings changed.
More and more strangely.
